Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Be not my future daughter-in-law

A few days ago I popped into a spa I love for a facial. The spa is in Buckhead, a lovely community in Atlanta.

My regular girl was out so I had someone new. Fine. It's good to mix it up a bit a times. This lovely girl seats me in the spa chair for pre-treatment foot scrub and we begin to chat. I feel the need to apologize in advance because JohnnyMac and I went out the night before to Northside Tavern, a filthy, dirty blues bar (with fabulous music). One of the last places that people can smoke indoors in this city apparently and the other barcrawlers were certainly taking full advantage of the Smoke It Up Zone and were puff, puff, puffing away like this would be there last pack of cigs. Ever.

As a result, my long locks absorbed every exhaled breath of carbon monoxide. I didn't want her to think me a wretched girl with dirty smoky hair so I relayed the tale.

She asked where Northside Tavern is and I said Midtown at 10th and Howell Mill.

I asked if she knew where that was and she said, "No, I live in the city."

"Which city?" I ask.

"Buckhead," she replies.

Buckhead is not a city. It's a sector within the city of Atlanta. Just like Midtown. They are 5 miles apart. She is about 25. How does she not know this? Oh, it occurs to me she is not from Atlanta or Georgia and may simply be confused.

(Author's note: This would be equivalent to saying you are from the city of Little Italy and don't know where Tribeca is located.)

In the nicest voice possible, I tell her Midtown and Buckhead are both in the city of Atlanta. She says "Oh. I am not good with directions."

"Where are you from?" I ask, assuming she is from a distant state.

"I am from Tinytown, Georgia. Do you know where that is?"

No.

She says, "Do you know where Macon is?"
Yes, I do. Macon is about an hour south of Atlanta.

She says, "Ok. Well, its an hour north of Macon."

Which would be Atlanta.

I try not to make let my facial expression demonstrate my dismay although I have clearly shared I struggle if required to maintain a Poker Face. But I merely tilt my head and wait for more. Nothing comes. I say, "I think an hour north of Macon would be Atlanta."

"Oh.... giggle I meant the other North."

What other NORTH is there? Tell me more Stephen Hawking.

This isn't my co-worker or someone I am hiring to be our nanny, so I just keep the conversation moving. She tells me about her family and all of her siblings. Two live in Vegas. I ask what they do in Vegas. She said, "They work for the United States."

The United States Treasury? Post Office? I have never heard someone categorize their employment this way and perhaps I will learn something new.

"The United States.....????" I ask

"Air Force." Ahh. Ok. No more talking necessary.

While I think about our conversation I get a frightening vignette of a dinner 20 years from now and what I will do if my son brings home a girl like this. Cute as a button and the same IQ.
My future and hopefully never fulfilled vision was this:

All at dinner table. JohnnyMac says, "CNN had a story on today about..."
Girl my son brought home: Who is Siennenn? "

Me: GULP, GULP, GULP. Oh look who finished all their wine! Excuse me. I just need to step outside and take a cyanide tablet.

Sidebar: Once, in dealing with a complicated situation made complicated only by someone's sheer idiocy, I tell my Boss that perhaps I don't have enough patience. His response is that I am quite patient (at work I am. And with my son. All others? Beware.) but I don't suffer fools well. (e.g. I don't like stupidity).

I sit in silence to determine if context of his statement is positive or negative.

He followed up with "And there are just so damn many fools."

Perfect. And true.

And since our son is only two, I can't yet predict who he will date. I already told you he likes Scarlett Johannson but I can not attest to her IQ. Perhaps he will someday bring home someone a bit soft in the brain. I hope I have plenty of vino or vodka on hand. It's not out of the question right? I know hoardes of highly intelligent men who have done this. And some have even married them. Reasons why? I can't say. I can only hope that a girl like the one I met today has a different soulmate in store. And pray this "type" is not even a remote semblance of my future daughter-in-law.

100 comments:

the walking man said...

Your son will not bring this young woman of charm and wit home with him...her daughter on the other hand...

jinksy said...

I've met some of the same family in UK, I think...Makes you feel like you're talking to an alien, eh? Maybe you were...

My name is PJ. said...

Think of it as training. You will undoubtedly suffer your share of dinners/gatherings with your son's bff's and gf's that share a single 2-digit IQ...that would be one number, divided by 'fill in a number' of people. Training is important for you! They don't make enough vino for what the future holds in this department.

The Peach Tart said...

I love the Northside Tavern. We'll have to meet there some Saturday night to hear some blues.

Maybe that girl was stoned.

Orange Juice said...

Well you WERE at the spa and it IS all about relaxing right? You didn't relax your brain enough to be on her level. Should you have done that you could have had many a wonderful stories to tell to each other. You missed out.

I AM an esthetician after all. I should know. ;)

Inge' said...

Maybe your son will teach her or them to do as my son taught all of his stupid pets. Just say "hi" and "it was nice to meet you".

That saved him from having to always explain why his mother was so insulting to the dumb blonde, brunette, redhead, etc.

Mandy said...

Stupid people have feelings too. ;-) While at a spa, I'd rather have someone talk to me about the "United States" instead of how they're studying quantum physics. My brain couldn't take that during a facial - I'd get a permanent wrinkle!

Cathy Voyage said...

Hehe...this is a funny story! (and a little bit sad, too...)

pixelhazard said...

Lol the other north? And what exactly is the IQ of a button? Thanks for sharing this converstion, hilarious!

Badass Geek said...

I thinks that lady has spent too much time around inhalants.

Cheesy said...

You know what? It IS sad we have some that don't quite "get it" but...
Any woman your wee boy may bring home should #1 make him happy. A lot can be over looked if that rule is filled! [and LMAO @ IQ of a button~ LUV'D that!]

Anna said...

You have more patience than me, that's for sure ;)

Thanks for stopping by. I love your blog - now following!

Jules said...

After about the 2nd sentence, I would have feigned napping. What an airhead!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Hmmmm...I wonder if you go to the same spa as my sister-in-law who lives in that same part of the Atlanta-metro-region.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Jinksy's right..you may have had a close encounter...

I'm surprised you didn't see smoke coming out from behind her faceplate...

Siennenn? Priceless.

Peace - Rene

Cabin-boy Dave said...

LOL @ the 'Other North'

Well, she wasn't kidding - she was bad with directions :P

I'm certainly glad I stumbled upon this blog :)

Eve said...

Part reply to your comment on my blog, So funny you stopped by because when I first started blogging (a year ago) I followed you altough lurking in the shadows and unfortunately lost your link when I started blogging again a month ago. So nice to see a familiar face!

This post made me laugh and made me totally terrified. Husband and I have discussed our son's future girls but they have always been beautiful, smart, funny women that I would take under my wing and have a laugh with at the expense of our men.

I did not even consider this may not happen. I don't know if I would be able to contain my cynicism. I know my husband wouldn't. I suppose son would know this by the time he starts dating though and would probably never bring said girls home...

Dustjacket attic said...

Oh Lordy, well hey ... you have a while yet to work on that poker face! Start practicing!!

Or if all else fails, you'll just have to numb yourself with vast amounts of alcohol ... like you said!

Hey, I'm just trying to help :)

confused homemaker said...

It's even bettr when you teach them.

AmyK said...

I think I have seen her on Jay Leno's "Jay Walking" segments. The sad thing is, they are usually women and I hate that for us. It has been my experience too, that these women are often "taken care of" by men that think that is adorable. I would not want my son (I have 3 daughters) bringing one home either.

Thanks for visiting my bog.. do come back. I'm happy to meet yours too.

ellen abbott said...

I've heard of the 'other left'. On the river this is how it goes... Left. Left!. No! The other left!!

Makes you wonder how she has managed to survive this long.

Buckeroomama said...

Oh my. Well, at least she was nice and sweet. Imagine if she had been sour-faced and cranky to boot...

[LA] said...

hahah LEFT!









lainarollercoaster.blogspot.com

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my lordy..this girl is a nitwit. The world is full of them, but I prefer if they all stay an hour north of Macon!

JenJen said...

hahahahah. This was great. What a dweeb.
Far as I can tell, I don't get to use "dweeb" often enough.

Intense Guy said...

I'm just thinking "and she let this person perform a pre-treatment foot scrub?"

Did she leave you with a foot?

It is really sad how our school and parents are failing in the basics. We don't need them teaching calculus and german, at least not until the students have learned concepts like proper English, 'where they are' and how to do simple math without using their fingers.

Jessica said...

Hilarious and frightening at the same time!

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

haha, that is hilarious!

Lee said...

You Crack me up! I love to read your blog. Be glad you aren't married to my hubby...Maybe that girl is his sister...she lives in the city of Buckhead.

Lisa and Laura said...

Daughter-in-laws are my #1 fear in life. I'm terrified that she'll be stupid, annoying, high maintenance, lame, uninteresting, or bitchy. But most of all I'm terrified of her parents. Everyone knows the mom's side of the family is the favorite side. They get more time with the grandkids, more holiday time, etc, etc.

That's why my son will be marrying an orphan.

Non-negotiable.

Genny said...

Cute as a button and the same IQ... oh my. At least your son is only two. You've got a lot of time before you have to worry about it...lol.

B.o.B. said...

At least that girl works at a spa and not for the United States. Then we'd all be in trouble. ;)

i am the diva said...

i would imagine you'll have to, eventually, put up with ditsy girlfriends... reading this made me shudder and contemplate my OWN future daughter in law....

oh, and my word verification today is 'forks' hm.

stepfabulous said...

LMAO - I hope for your liver, he will avoid that stage, where most guys will go through a stage of dumb girls. My 13 year old daugther - who is smart as a whip always contends she doesn't have a boyfriend because she's smarter than they are, more mature than they are and they are just quite frightened of her because of it! LOL - I have to say she's got it all figured out at 13! Cheers for all those hopefully not to happen drinks!

ModernMom said...

LOL The other North!
Not only do I fear who my girls will marry..but I fear the new in-laws! Just imagine the possibilities!

Erin said...

Holy Cow, I would have asked for a cocktail right then and there!

I hate stupidity as well, and I really hope both my boys will be smarter than to bring someone home like that! LOL

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think I need a drink after reading that. And, a facial. I think I'll do it myself!

What a cutie, huh? I work for the United States too!

Thanks for your comment! Nice to meet you! Glad you found me. I love your blog!

Hugs!!

Mom in High Heels said...

Sweet mercy! The other North? I'm afraid I would have accidentally kicked her. I do NOT suffer fools (or idiots) well. Stories like this are just one more reason why I home school Indy. Sheesh. The other North.

Lucy Marie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I loved this post. Too funny. These kinds of things drive me crazy. Here's hoping your little one doesn't bring home an airhead!

The other North ... I'm still laughing.

otherworldlyone said...

Wow. She's a bright, shining star.

I've never given my daughter's dating future much thought. According to her, she's already engaged...to the pizza shop mascot that stands on the corner. Just to clarify:

She calls the high school girl in the giant fake Mario head her "boyfriend" and future husband.

I think I'd be begging for your geographically challenged tart.

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

Funny how I need a glass of wine now.

The other north? OMG...too funny!

Constructive Attitude said...

HAHHAHAHAH. i cant believe she said that they work of the United States. LOLLL

Maria Confer said...

Wow. That is scary. I may not always be the sharpest tool in the shed, but her stupidity is frightening.

Jenny.Lee said...

I just spoke to someone on the phone who apparently has the same IQ as the spa girl. AMAZING.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I believe Scarlett is rather smart for a blonde actress, but given her competition in this area it may be comparative. Don't worry about your son though - if he brings home a cute little vacuous airhead someday, she's probably only for sex.

Wait...that didn't help at all did it?

Rhonda said...

Oh, I loved the "cute as a button and the same IQ"!! Hilarious!!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday!! I had a blast!

Grant said...

I hope you tipped her an atlas.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My brother married one of these. She's so damn stupid, I lose patience with her in about .001 seconds flat.

She's burned hot dogs (for her kids) by leaving them on the stove for so long that the water evaporated and the dogs came out char-broiled.

She turned on the stove and walked away...without checking to see if it ignited. If it wasn't for me smelling gas and opening the doors to let fresh air in, her kids could've been gassed or something worse.

She has an electric oven at home, thank God!

She's been in the family for 21 years and recently asked how old a relative was. When we told her "37", she said, "Really, I thought she was 21 or something." I asked, "Do you remember her as a baby?" She looked confused and said, "No, why would I?"

I stopped right then and there.

Unknown Mami said...

Not the brightest Crayola in the box.

Duchess of Tea said...

I have visited your site, during my many visits, read I think all your posts and truly want to be a follower. So I joined.

Stop by my cottage and join my followers if you like what you see also, I will sincerely appreciate it
Duchess xxx

Simply Mel said...

I'm not very tolerant with stupidity either!

But I bet she could tell you everything about Paris Hilton or Britney Spears! And she could probably text at lightening speed (with many grammatical errors, of course!). Sad...isn't it?!?!

Kerrie said...

I am so sorry I have very little knoweledge of american geography but I do know there is only one North. This is based on learning the ryme ,Never, Eat, Shredded, Wheat,.( North,East,South,West )
This is how many children of a certain era learnt directions in the U.K. Scary ay?
As for your prospective daughter-in-laws I think people tend to gravitate towards people who are like them.

Ronnica said...

"The other north"? Oh my... I also liked the "The United States" comment.

Margaret said...

Very funny and very well told. "Cute as a button and the same IQ": that's poetry. Nice.

g-man said...

Too funny (and a bit sad).

We had neighbors over for BBQ and drinks. One neighbor talked about her daughter going to West Va. U. Another neighbors 15 year old stated that WV is not a state, just the west part of VA.

The sad part was that she didn't even believe her own mother when she was corrected. {sigh}

I generally dont like people, stupid ones are on the top of the list.

I'm sure that as you mold your son, he will appreciate those things that you hold dear, or he will go for the dumb blond with the big hooters.

Legallyblondemel said...

The Stephen Hawking line made me laugh.

Can't do the poker face either - never could, although now I have that d-mn Lady Gaga song stuck in my head. Forgive me.

SandyCalico said...

Brilliant, so funny!
Noone, not even someone with Stephen Hawking's IQ, would be good enough for my sons :-)

Sunshinemeg said...

Thanks for stopping by today. I love your blog! "The United States" hahaha oh my!

Samsmama said...

Hey! Stop by my blog, got an award for ya!

Laila Of Course! said...

Ahahahahha love love the post. :) Will most definitely be following this blog-- and thanks so much for popping by mine!
Please be sure and follow & stop by again. It always makes me happy.

If you ever get the chance, please be sure and enter my photo caption contest. It ends a week from today!

-Laila
www.randomweavings.blogspot.com

Love&Marriage said...

What a ditzy girl! I can't even imagine having a conversation with her! What she blonde?? = )

Grand Pooba said...

Oh dear, I was just going to guess the same thing as love and marriage, she was blonde right?

Laoch of Chicago said...

I think the best strategy for dealing with your son's future girlfriends is to treat the ones you do not like like princesses and to tell him how wonderful they are and to do the inverse with the ones you do like.

PictureGirl said...

If it wasn't so funny it'd be sad, wait, it is sad.

What are these kid's learning in school? I was working with a couple of young girls at my last job that, to my surprise, they did not know the difference in a.m. and p.m. No kidding.

Savvy Mode SG said...

LOL... I think I would prob want to shoot myself at some point then.

count it all joy said...

Oh, to have been sitting in the chair next to you listening to that conversation! I would have been cracking up - even if you couldn't. She actually said "the other North"? Sweet girl. Love it. Meredith xo.

Cocaine Princess said...

"Tell me more Stephen Hawking."

I was cracking up when I read that line. Hilarious post!

One Sassy Girl said...

My fear is my son brings home someone as judgmental as me. If that happens, there will surely be a stare down, followed by reciprocal quizzing on celebrity gossip and, finally, a tearful embrace and declaration she's the daughter I've always wanted. Then he'll surely dump her and bring home the ditz your son dumped.

Dee said...

No, no, no you must have made this up.

Well they do say truth is stranger than fiction.

Me. I. will. give. her. the. evil. eye. Trust me I've tried it and she was dying to meet me. My son knew better.

rychelle said...

hahahahahaha!

"the other north". love it!

Barbaloot said...

Oh-but think of all the fun stories you'd have to tell if a person like that was in your life forever!

K said...

My son is also two. I fear for my future daughter in law already too. I'm not sure I'd want me as a MIL.

Welcome to SITS!

Hit 40 said...

I tell my boys all the time not to date or to marry stupid. Stupid will breed more stupid....

I worry about it too. I'll pop over to vote for all 3 awards for you. Very fun

Michelle said...

Ohmigosh, I'm sorry I was cracking up! I have had conversations with the "young ones" like that as well and all I can think of is...what were these kids taught in school? Still..she sounds very sweet..just a little naive? I'll be nice. :) Hehe!

xoxo

Michelle

Just Add Walter said...

hehe... oh lord... there are definitely all kinds of people out there...

Vodka Logic said...

A definite laugh out loud.. I am guessing these girls have talents in "other areas".

I have daughters and if they bring home himbos I am sure I could keep quiet.
x

When Pigs Fly said...

It never ceases to amaze me how many idiots there truly are out there. You have many years to worry about your son's fate. Not worth it. He'll be fine.

Inna said...

I wouldn't worry too much. From my limited experience men usually pick women that are just like their mothers. So I'm sure your son will have an awesome girl! :)

Jenn @ youknow... that blog? said...

"Who is Siennenn?" ...I almost peed my pants! Too funny! I have actually had a similar conversation with that half wit's Canadian twin.

You have plenty of time to program your offspring and tell him this story, over and over again.

So... My birthday is tomorrow, and for a present I want you to come and submit a haiku for Silly Haiku Wednesday! Please. :) It's easy, I swear!

Kristin said...

I wig out all the time about the girls that my little dude is going to bring home. He's one.

ThatMommy! said...

did u say your son is 2??? lol i think you have a little while before you have to worry about daughter in laws ;)

Erin said...

Wow. Just wow. Are you going to go back to her so you have more blog fodder for next time?

Sandy said...

Oh, yes, been there, met her. Here is the scary part. I am a professor of English Education. I teach junior and senior education majors who are planning to be English teachers. Many of them are that stupid. They will be teaching your children. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Karen said...

Remember when that Miss America (Miss USA?) contestant buggled the geography question? I guess it's not stressed in school too much today -- 'the other North' cracked me up!

I too am singing Lady Gaga in my head now, maybe she can teach us a few lessons about poker faces before you have to face down your son's love interests :)

Jen said...

And I thought I was the only one thinking "lord please dont let my son find a fool like this when he gets older" found you on Sits! Have a great one!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Laughing, laughing, laughing. An urban suburb right there in Atlanta!

Don't worry about meeting her likes in the future (at least for anything permanent). Your son will marry someone just like you.

Feel better now? ; )

http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com said...

ok that was the funniest thing I have read in days and wow your seriously kept your composure.
I would have messed with her brain.
Brittany
http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com

The Constant Complainer said...

I love talking to people like this. Ah, the future leaders of America. LOL. But they don't know where the hell they live or what's going on around them. I call it, "Living in a World Where the Air Doesn't Move" syndrome...

diamond dave said...

Oh, I so love people whose world ends beyond the tips of their noses - NOT.

Some people should have a license just to leave their homes so they don't pollute the rest of the world with their cataclysmic stupidity.

Penelope said...

You got to hand it to these people at least they keep us entertained. Well she certainly made me chuckle.

Yaya said...

Those are the moments I remind myself that she is giving pedicures for a living....

peewee said...

I'm not sure how you found my blog...but SO glad u did because I am in tears laughing. I feel like I am cheating on my other funny blog writers. Like I just wanna read all YOUR posts and laugh and laugh because they're new and refreshing I love your, ahem, layout.

I'm Bill and you're my Monica.

Alicia said...

ugh i just read my worst fears!! between my 3 kids i'm terrified of what's they're going to drag home... shoot...i need to stop thinking about it before i start having a panic attack!

i am playing outside said...

Wait... so you're from Atlanta?

Jamie said...

Oh man! She sounds like a keeper!
I'd be lying if I said that my husband and I haven't already discussed the bimbos Jackson will surely bring home in the future... and yes, he's not yet 3 months old :)

Bevy said...

Oh - the other north - I'm not good with directions ... LOL! Very funny! My daughter doesn't suffer fools either.
My son is 27 now and dated at least two teens who had really weird names - like Adriene BUT you said it diff than the usual way of pronouncing AND something like Camille - but the accent was ALSO on the other syllable ... oh PUUUULLEEASE! And he would always correct me on it and I even met them in person and STILL messed up saying their name and ME with a difficult to say name ...
Anyway, he married a CHRISTY and I'M SO HAPPY - and she's intelligent too!!! :) So keep praying! :) It will come to you too.

Summer said...

This totally cracked me up!!!

They work for the United States! Classic.

Emily said...

that is hilarious! My sons better not bring home any girls like that either!

hotpants™ said...

They work for the United States? Seriously?!

Anonymous said...

It is certainly interesting for me to read this article. Thank you for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.