Wednesday, October 15, 2014

When I am old, I hope I am cool as hell....

When I'm old, I hope I am cool as hell. 5 ways to be sure.

Waiting to board a flight last week, I stood next to an older couple. The gentleman complimented my handbag. It is Hermes and candidly, I am rather fond of it too. I smiled and said, "I like your taste." His wife laughed and said, "Oh, he knows what's what."

I looked at  both of them and laughed. They were beautiful and it seemed to stem from their perceived happiness. They were also elegant, stylish. She told me they were in their 80s. Our dialogue extended another 20 minutes or so which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Later, I recalled her comment and again it made me laugh. Oh, he knows what's what. Also known as "he is cool as hell." I hope when I am in my 80's, I also know what's what which I really want to mean I hope I am old and cool as hell. What will I have to do?

1. I will think carefully about what I discuss. I will remember there are certain topics I shall not rattle on about on the daily. Top of the list: Ailments. When I want to talk about ailments such as an achy back, plantar fasciitis, or my ankle surgeries, I will pause and refrain. Unless I have some serious situation trying to take me down, I am not talking about corneas and cataracts.  The pills, the ointments all to be kept on the low down. Strike me with lightening, if I mention "irritable" or "bowel" or "syndrome' in the same sentence.

Instead, I am going to talk about wine tastings in Napa, good books and how to make croquembouche. I will talk about awesome things I have done. This will not include walking barefoot in the snow. I never did that. My parents drove me to school or I rode a giant tank like yellow bus. If others try to talk to me about ouchy parts and icky stuff, well, I am going to politely listen for a minute. After that I might say, "For the LOVE of BABY JESUS Diane, there is a reason the Doctor closes the door during appointments! No one outside of that room is deeply curious about your GI issues."

1a. I will remember not to prattle on about kids and grand kids. I will give highlights. I will not talk about how many cheerios my grandchild ate that day. I will not talk about what my grandchildren do from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. I will love my family. I will be excited about their lives and successes. I will not trap people at the Starbucks with a long highly detailed story of my son's first homerun in the Majors (his dream) or my 6 year old grand baby's first trip to Disney. God forbid I talk about potty training. Ever. I will remember NO lengthy discourses on that topic happened when I was living it. Double jeopardy for me if I update my Facebook status with any such topics. Extra cool points if I am old and still on Social Media. Help me if I am still linked to people who use Facebook as a diary instead of its intent: public bulletin board.

2. When I drive, I am going to maintain all my skills. If I shrink and can't see over the wheel, I will buy a booster seat just like little kids use. I will go for a compact car versus a boat. I will pledge not to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane. If someone cuts me off, I shall not respond with inappropriate hand gestures.  If someone else is driving me, I will not 'give them suggestions' the entire time. I will not reach over and honk the horn for them. If I am unable to drive, I will say "Hallelujah Uber!"
3. If I need to move into a retirement community, it is going to be one like the bad ass Melrose Place of Retirement communities in Florida called The Villages. When I live there, I am going to seek out fun things to do and fun people to do them with as well. I'm going to avoid Betty who talks about her bunions. I am going to avoid Lydia who talks about her daughter my exclaiming "Now, my Leslie....." because Lydia didn't read 1a above. If I am doubling-down at the Blackjack table and Lydia saunters over to tell me a "My Leslie" story I will suggest she saunter off and call "My Leslie" instead of saying "Your Leslie sounds like someone with a lot of cats." If I am unable find fun things to do, if I have not developed interest in activities that involving making things with yarn,  I will create fun things to do. First order of business: Dance Party. I won't play Jazz or even Sinatra. Lets' turn that Mother out and bring back the old school. Never too old to appreciate some Salt & Pepa. And I will be asking that nice handy man to bring in some fans for that show too.

4. Since dance party is one of my favorite things of all time, I will not miss opportunities to enjoy one. If I am at a wedding and all the old timers are having a respectful seat while the young whipper snappers take on the dance floor, I will hop to it. If its loud, I will adjust my hearing aide. If I have to listen to Nicki Minaj, so be it. If they are bucking their hips like dogs in heat, I will snicker inside and remember I grew up with "Dirty Dancing" and the "Lambada"!  Perhaps I will make friends with the DJ and request Vanilla Ice for old times sake. If he laughs and scoffs, I will politely ask him to step the _____ back and I will bring out the Running Man. Have you ever seen an old dame do the Running Man? You will.

5. I heard a teenage girl being monstrously rude to her Mom at Nordstrom last week. I was a touch surprised the Mom took it like she did because it was eye-popping awful. I was a smarty arse hair-flipping oh maaa gaawwwwd hissing teenage girl at one point too and even I was not bold enough to pull off the snark on this child. When I am old and hopefully cool as hell, if I hear young people being sassy and disrespectful, I will shake my head and silently think to myself, "Young people today!" But because I am old, I can do whatever I like and I will be able to say, "Listen Missy, why don't you spend the summer in prison camp and then come back and tell me all your woes. Seriously. I will sit right here with my smoothie and my iPhone waiting for your full report on how prison camp changed your shitty attitude."