When I'm old, I hope I am cool as hell. 5 ways to be sure.
Waiting to board a flight last week, I stood next to an older
couple. The gentleman complimented my handbag. It is Hermes and
candidly, I am rather fond of it too. I smiled and said, "I like your
taste." His wife laughed and said, "Oh, he knows what's what."
I looked at both of them and laughed. They were beautiful and it
seemed to stem from their perceived happiness. They were also elegant,
stylish. She told me they were in their 80s. Our dialogue extended
another 20 minutes or so which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Later, I recalled her comment and again it made me laugh. Oh, he
knows what's what. Also known as "he is cool as hell." I hope when I am
in my 80's, I also know what's what which I really want to mean I hope
I am old and cool as hell. What will I have to do?
1. I will think carefully about what I discuss. I will remember
there are certain topics I shall not rattle on about on the daily. Top
of the list: Ailments. When I want to talk about ailments such as an
achy back, plantar fasciitis, or my ankle surgeries, I will pause and
refrain. Unless I have some serious situation trying to take me down, I
am not talking about corneas and cataracts. The pills, the ointments
all to be kept on the low down. Strike me with lightening, if I mention "irritable" or "bowel" or "syndrome' in the same sentence.
Instead, I am going to talk about wine
tastings in Napa, good books and how to make croquembouche. I will talk
about awesome things I have done. This will not include walking barefoot
in the snow. I never did that. My parents drove me to school or I rode a
giant tank like yellow bus. If others try to talk to me about ouchy
parts and icky stuff, well, I am going to politely listen for a minute.
After that I might say, "For the LOVE of BABY JESUS Diane, there is a
reason the Doctor closes the door during appointments! No one outside of
that room is deeply curious about your GI issues."
1a. I will remember not to prattle on about kids and grand kids. I
will give highlights. I will not talk about how many cheerios my
grandchild ate that day. I will not talk about what my grandchildren do
from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep. I will love my
family. I will be excited about their lives and successes. I will not
trap people at the Starbucks with a long highly detailed story of my
son's first homerun in the Majors (his dream) or my 6 year old grand
baby's first trip to Disney. God forbid I talk about potty training.
Ever. I will remember NO lengthy discourses on that topic happened when I
was living it. Double jeopardy for me if I update my Facebook status
with any such topics. Extra cool points if I am old and still on Social
Media. Help me if I am still linked to people who use Facebook as a
diary instead of its intent: public bulletin board.
2. When I drive, I am going to maintain all my skills. If I
shrink and can't see over the wheel, I will buy a booster seat just like
little kids use. I will go for a compact car versus a boat. I will
pledge not to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane. If someone
cuts me off, I shall not respond with inappropriate hand gestures. If
someone else is driving me, I will not 'give them suggestions' the
entire time. I will not reach over and honk the horn for them. If I am
unable to drive, I will say "Hallelujah Uber!"
3. If I need to move into a retirement community, it is going to be
one like the bad ass Melrose Place of Retirement communities in Florida
called The Villages. When I live there, I am going to seek out fun things to
do and fun people to do them with as well. I'm going to avoid Betty who
talks about her bunions. I am going to avoid Lydia who talks about her
daughter my exclaiming "Now, my Leslie....." because Lydia didn't read
1a above. If I am doubling-down at the Blackjack table and Lydia
saunters over to tell me a "My Leslie" story I will suggest she saunter
off and call "My Leslie" instead of saying "Your Leslie sounds like
someone with a lot of cats." If I am unable find fun things to do, if I
have not developed interest in activities that involving making things
with yarn, I will create fun things to do. First order of business:
Dance Party. I won't play Jazz or even Sinatra. Lets' turn that Mother
out and bring back the old school. Never too old to appreciate some Salt
& Pepa. And I will be asking that nice handy man to bring in some
fans for that show too.
4. Since dance party is one of my favorite things of all time, I
will not miss opportunities to enjoy one. If I am at a wedding and all
the old timers are having a respectful seat while the young whipper
snappers take on the dance floor, I will hop to it. If its loud, I will
adjust my hearing aide. If I have to listen to Nicki Minaj, so be it. If
they are bucking their hips like dogs in heat, I will snicker inside
and remember I grew up with "Dirty Dancing" and the "Lambada"! Perhaps I
will make friends with the DJ and request Vanilla Ice for old times
sake. If he laughs and scoffs, I will politely ask him to step the _____
back and I will bring out the Running Man. Have you ever seen an old
dame do the Running Man? You will.
5. I heard a teenage girl being monstrously rude to her Mom at
Nordstrom last week. I was a touch surprised the Mom took it like she
did because it was eye-popping awful. I was a smarty arse hair-flipping
oh maaa gaawwwwd hissing teenage girl at one point too and even I was
not bold enough to pull off the snark on this child. When I am old and
hopefully cool as hell, if I hear young people being sassy and
disrespectful, I will shake my head and silently think to myself, "Young
people today!" But because I am old, I can do whatever I like and I
will be able to say, "Listen Missy, why don't you spend the summer in
prison camp and then come back and tell me all your woes. Seriously. I
will sit right here with my smoothie and my iPhone waiting for your full
report on how prison camp changed your shitty attitude."