Thursday, July 16, 2009

Front Court Smash

Let's go to the wide world of Sports. Some of you may know the name Serena Williams. She likes to play tennis. She has been ranked the #1 player on four separate occasions. She is currently ranked #2. In the world.

You may not know the name Jason Whitlock. He is a sportswriter for FoxSports and the KC Star. He is what you might call a touch abrasive. Perhaps even hardcore. Hardcore being a euphimism for wee bit of a jerk. Let me enlighten.

Last week, Jason Whitlock wrote an article about Serena Williams and her efforts at Wimbledon.
Below are actual excerpts (verbatim) statements from the article. I highlighted my favorite parts.

At age 27 , Serena Williams owns just half as many major titles (11) as Steffi Graf, the greatest women's player of all time. That's a terrible shame. With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks. Unfortunately for us, she lacks the courage to fulfill her destiny. She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands. She complains about being ranked No. 2 in the world when she's not bitching on Twitter or her blog about new rules that forbid Wimbledon players from eating in the locker room.

Seriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?

God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks. She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round. Think about it. At 5-foot-10, 145 pounds, Serena would be unstoppable on the court...Instead, Serena is arguably pushing 175 pounds, content playing hard only in the major tournaments, happy to be photographed on dates with pro athletes and proud to serve as a role model for women with oversized back packs.

BBWs — Big Booty Women — do not write me angry e-mails. I'm only knocking Serena's back pack because it's preventing her from reaching her full potential as an athletic icon. I am not fundamentally opposed to junk in the trunk, although my preference is a stuffed onion over an oozing pumpkin. (A stuffed onion is a booty so round and tight that it brings tears to your eyes). I'm sorry. I digress. She could break the glass ceiling for female athletes and become the transcendent superstar who connects globally. She could join Oprah and Madonna. Serena could be an impossible-to-ignore advocate for any position she supported. Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton.

Oh Jason Whitlock...brrrrrrrr. You are cold, cold, cold. But you also might be a touch full of shat. Let's review in steps:

Fat? Blubbery? I just can't discern from these recent photos unless every photo of her is run through Photoshop. Lazy? Could one be a world ranked tennis player and be lazy? Do you need to be a sports commentator to know this is highly unlikely? No.

She likes to eat? I can't comment. But you know who does like to eat? Mr. Whitlock. I have no problem with his size, girth, or that he enjoys a little midday nap. Here is an actual photo of him demonstrating one of his many talents. If he only had his meatball sub in his hand, he would be in heaven.


I don't care if Jason Whitlock's biscuit preference is big or small. I don't care if he likes tennis or likes Serena. Here is the issue: If you are generally rotund, you should not lament (in multi-paragraph form) about someone's muscled blubber, proclivity towards snack-time, or booty; be it onion or pumpkin. Let's not point our chubby finger at someone's size 16 shorts, shall we? I mean, it does seem a bit unusual Jason Whitlock would have ANY issue with someone weighing 175 pounds, right?

And if you really must discuss her lack of talent and weight, did you have to liken her to Paris Hilton? Paris Hilton? Really? I would rather wear a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "THE MORE, THE MERRIER" to a maximum security prison yard than to have someone say I am on par with Paris Hilton. No one wants to be in that dumpster.

I know less about Serena than I know about other athletes. But guess what I do know? She is a bad ass. Has won dozens of athletic awards including Female Athlete of the Year. And has a WORLD RANKING. I play tennis but certainly not with World Ranking status. Therefore, I am in no position to make derogatory remarks about her skills, lack of ambition, or laziness. Because I would look like a fool if I did. You too Jason Whitlock. UH OH! I should have chatted with you before last week.She plays the game. You write about it.

I think he should try a few drills on the court with her. Better yet, play her. She serves the ball at 128 mph. And with his dimensions, he would make a nice pin-cushion for her powerful serve.

64 comments:

the walking man said...

I could have stopped reading at FoxSports...any thing with Rupert Murdoch's stench and all but I am glad i didn't Whitlock's picture made the whole read like a MasterCard commercial tag line: Priceless.

The Peach Tart said...

What a bloated lard ass.

The Caped Tirader said...

hahah...I love it when a sport writer talks crap about athletes when they don't have an athletic bone in their body. BTW- forgive my ignorance, but what in God's name is an "oozing pumpkin"?

jinksy said...

A pot calling a kettle chartreuse, as my Bro was wont to say...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hilarious! I wonder how fat old Serena lumbers around a tennis court for 3 hours at a time actually managing to hit balls (sadly not Mr. Whitlock's). I mean you'd think being such a giant lardy elephant her matches would be over in about ten minutes, presumably when she keels over from an asthma attack from chugging that giant ass around the court.

I think maybe Mr. W. needs a new prescription for his eyesight because FAT? Really? The woman's a giant MUSCLE. Who wins tournaments.

Back away from the buffet Whitlock, you crazy devil.

Dustjacket attic said...

Gee there's not much more to add to that, fantastic post.

Jules said...

That's hysterical! And it seems that it is pretty typical!!!

Intense Guy said...

This is exactly why I've tuned out ALL of the so-called sports commentators and writers. Only one half-baked "think about it" will tell you that they contribute nothing at all (except trash) to our society.

Ihope Serena bashes Jason on the head with a forehand smash and shuts him up indefinately.

ellen abbott said...

That's 175 lbs?! Honey if that's what 175 lbs looks like then give it to me.

that guy is an ass and I mean that literally. Them's that can't, jive.

Dee said...

Fabulous. Serena is a powerhouse who could blast this blowhard into eternity.

B.o.B. said...

The article is so contrived. He could have gone with the fact that he thinks she has a bad attitude or isn't a good enough role model. All he has is that she likes to eat and has a big butt? Ridiculous. How can you hate on someone ranked #2 in THE WORLD? People in glass houses....

Simon said...

Just a minute – you’re saying you don’t admire Paris Hilton? You don’t wish to emulate her? I don’t understand.

Lee said...

jealousy is such an ugly shade of green, don't you think? I don't love Serena, but I LOVE to watch her play. If I could move my skinny butt the way she moves her oversized one, then maybe I would be #2, which goes to show that thin does not always win! The poor guy needs to get a life.

MommaYoung said...

Well written post Jenny. Wow, this guy doesn't seem to know what he is talking about. He is wrong on so many levels...

jadedj said...

Uh huh. Whatever. Jason, Jason, Jason...them that can, do. Them that can't, go to work for FoxSports.

One Sassy Girl said...

you're my hero. the t-shirt in the prison yard and any knowledge of sports warrants some hero worship. if i'm not already a follower, i'm about to become one, lady!

Constructive Attitude said...

WOW, seriously what a BIG jerk and i agree with all of your commentary afterwards! I'm glad you posted this. Thanks!!

Yankee Wife said...

I have a problem with sports announcers talking like they can always do so much better than the athletes they're talking about..... as I was reading Jason's comments, all I could think was "OUCH!", but then when I saw his picture (LOVE that you added that-made the whole story!!) I realized that his words mean NOTHING!!! loved your post!

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

Great post!

Slyde said...

i think that guy is an ass.

True, serena isnt the most athleticly toned woman in sports, but shes hardly fat and blubbery.

Melissa said...

What the? Seriously? Great reporting.

I can't believe that stuffed onion comment made it in print lol!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

wow, that was scathing and seemingly very unneccessary??? lol. I like your rebuttal though.

AmyMusing said...

He is rude. Someone smack him. Serena?? Give him your backhand? Serve balls into his b....

See how fast he can move.

Drahdrah said...

Well said !!! I can't believe ANYONE would say those things about Serena Williams, let alone someone as FAT as him !

Marcy said...

I'm from KC and Whitlock only made it into the national limelight because of his highly obnoxious and offensive columns he worte for the KC Star. I forget what the topic was, but I about choked when i saw him on Oprah one day. This man gets far too much publicity.

Savvy Mode SG said...

What a jackass. he should play a couple of sets with her before he starts to call names.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I love Serena. I really do. She's a fantastic athlete and a phenomenal tennis player.

Whitlock's thing is that he wants to push people's buttons. Normally, it's a race thing with him, but I guess now he's going after the "fatties".

I will defend Whitlock in that sometimes, he makes good points and has no love for the World Wide Leader after they hustled him out the door. However, 75% of his crap is stuff like this.

Plus, he's a fellow Hoosier, and if I was able to afford Michael Jackson a modicum of respect for that, then I owe it to Whitlock, as well.

otherworldlyone said...

AMEN!

Michele said...

Found your blog via SITS and love your writing! I'm going to be back often!

confused homemaker said...

Great post & the only stuffed onion I can forsee Mr. Whitlock receiving after this astute intellectual exercise will be in a martini.

Vodka Logic said...

To paraphrase a quote...those that can't do, commentate? preach?

sheesh glad I can live in my world without that guy writing about it.

xx

EmFabulousFunshine said...

i sure wish Whitlock would read this!!!!!!! serena is force in the tennis world!

La Belle Mere UK said...

What a complete and utter nause!

The amount of training Serena does, she NEEDS food for fuel.

I don't know this guy but judging by his picture, the amount of sleeping HE does.... well I doubt he needs much food for anything much.

I'm in incensed by his nauseating-ness!!!

The Constant Complainer said...

Jenny, I'm a first time visitor to your site from Cleveland.

I saw your link on C. Princess' site and decided to click through.

Anyway, I just enjoyed some of your previous posts. Very entertaining.

Scrappy Girl said...

Very interesting...looks like he should invest in a good mirror.

Bobbi Jo said...

Oh my gosh what a jerk.
She is a great tennis player. Media is so judgmental about peoples weight that bugs me. Hugs, Bobbi Jo

headbitingprincess said...

thank you for the comment :)

HA !!! class act I see this Mr. Whitlock .. must be the small penis syndrome .. hate when that happens ( sorry graphic content)
but jeez really ... presumptuous much ?? he may not be a fan but he doesnt need to be a jerk .. have some respect for her .. as she has extreme talent and skill .. HELLLOOO who is the one in the worlds eye and who is the one that is in her shadows . muahahaah

Alicia said...

holy crap i loved this post!! i can't believe he of all people would say those things?! oh the irony! and geez, what a dbag this guy is...

Michelle said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by my place! You have an awesome blog here....and you're a fabulous writer! I will be back for sure. :)

JenJen said...

I posted an award to you over at my blog. Go get it!

ThatMommy! said...

lol niiiiice. he's a WINNER isn't he???

PictureGirl said...

I think maybe she has shot him down a time or two.

J.J. in L.A. said...

That asshat probably asked her out and she shot him down. She shoulda shot him with a tennis ball. ; )

If you want to bitch about someone's weight, look in the mirror first!

Unknown Mami said...

That guy is a jackass. I like junk in the trunk, but I don't like jack in the ass.

la aventurista said...

Hahahaha I love your response to this...it is rather hypocritical of him to say such things, aside from just plain rude. There is no reason to degrade her reputation and call her fat when she's obviously doing very well in the tennis world. Putting words like that into print will come back to haunt him I'm sure...

Laoch of Chicago said...

It is amazing how ambivalent and threatened some men are in reference to female athletes. But I guess the best and brightest are seldom sportswriters these days. Perhaps that is best though, because it is hard to cause significant harm as a sportswriter.

Kate said...

Thanks for stopping by my site. Please feel free to come back and visit anytime, I'll leave the light on for you! I am also looking forward to your experience cleansing!

Grand Pooba said...

Boooo! Ouch. I think Jason Whitlock needs to get laid.


(Happy Birthday!!)

The imPerfect Houswife said...

GREAT post - are you a hoot or what!? Those who can, DO, those who can't...well, they gripe about those who can! Ever see Animal House? "That boy is a P-I-G, pig!"

Matthew said...

Well said, written etc. I can think of plenty more worthy causes of such ire than Serena Williams. I don't overly enjoy watching her but you can't deny she does what she does well, junk in trunk or otherwise...

Dee said...

I'm not a tennis fan, but I was blowing hard on the treadmill while trying to beat that fat off my ass when I looked up and who do I see but, Serena blasting a ball at what seemed the speed of light.

Then she raced like a freaking cheetah to the edge of the screen as implausibly she caught that impudent round body and flipped it so easily over the net leaving her svelte opponent Elena wondering WTF, I thought I was going to the finals.

I dunno sweetie maybe it was all that protein or glut and butt Mr.Jason was talking about. Whatever it is Serena was better, stronger and faster and she won the finals. Damn that big booty.

JennyMac said...

You are all superstars! Thanks for the great comments. My #1 fan (Mom, who else?) just emailed me and said "I like reading the comments as much as the blog!" I am SURE she meant she likes reading the blog just an eensy bit more, right? LOL.

heather said...

I might be mistaken, but the reason she doesn't have MORE titles (or whatever they are called in tennis) is because her sister is just as amazing as she is!

The Redhead Riter said...

Stopping by from SITS to give a little blog ♥

scrappysue said...

jealous much jason? i love how he says she's not fulfilling her full potential because she's too heavy. hasn't she been the BEST in the world? #1? top 5 at least for the past how many years running? - so how can she be NOT fulfiling her full potential?

JASON is DEFINITELY fulfilling HIS full potential - as a complete arse...

i lived in atlanta! thanks for stopping by!

Dustjacket attic said...

Oh Jenny that was so funny with your mum!

Thanks so much for your great comments at mine, btw I'll be comming along for the ride!xx

Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

Oh my goodness, what an awful article! It sounds kind of misogynistic...

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I'm in shock. As Bush and Cheney would say, he's a major a-hole.

That said, I tend to ignore people who can't spell. And it tends to pay off.

"She could break the glass ceiling for female athletes . . ."

leggy said...

lol...nice writing..ist time here,,u write really well nd i understand ur mum cs i just read the comments.

UPrinting said...

Wow. Mean words indeed.
I don't like Serena either, but I recognize her ability as a tennis player. Come on, she's an athlete. Isn't it the athleticism of an athlete that we should focus on, not her, err, buttocks?
Why did you think Ana Kournikova faded out of the picture? Isn't it because she cared more about her celebrity status than her tennis career? I don't want Serena to go down that road too.
And really, Paris Hilton? What did they both have in common?

June Freaking Cleaver said...

Mr. Whitlock has been outclassed - on the court, and here, in your blog! Great post! Wonder if he reads blogs?

Maybe he Googles himself?

Lady Di said...

You know, stuff like this brings out the femi-nazi in me. Why doesn't he write about any of those extremely obese football players?? Okay, I know they are supposed to be big, being linebackers and all. However, give me a break! Some of those guys look like they're going to have a heart attack right on the field.

Surely, one could argue their skills could improve if they would "tone it up" a bit. See there I go...I'm usually not all hardcore like this, but it really pushes my "I am woman hear me roar" button when people have to "weigh in" on women's weight.

It killed me when I read this article about Kate Winslet being so different than most actresses because she is "curvy and voluptuous". Now, I like Kate Winslet, but if she is considered "curvy and voluptuous" (which is Hollywood's nice way of saying fat), then I must be somewhere around Jabba the Hut status according to those terms. Oh my gosh...I need to shut up now..I'm okay really

{Kiki} said...

I wish my booty was like a "stuffed onion". I have no booty. I still have my 12 y.o. arse. Thanks for sharing the article. I can't stand sports announcers or sports writers/broadcasters. I watch and judge for myself. Take care.
-Kiki

Karen said...

(Apologies for the rant, but an avid tennis fan here!)

His article more offensive if there was, approximately, an ounce of truth in it. It's actually pretty funny b/c of his ridiculous grasp for publicity. Serena moves around the court well enough to win MANY titles, including both the singles AND the doubles at Wimbledon this year, natch.

And how is he so intimately familiar with her eating habits? Sure she complained on twitter about Wimby's new rules -- but she was pointing out that Wimby provides baskets of FOOD in a NO-FOOD area.

And he says that if she tried harder she could be like Madonna?!!! HUH? I love a good Madonna dance party like the next girl, but I wouldn't hold her up as someone Serena Williams could achieve to be.

But I guess we're still talking about him, which is clearly his only goal...so well played, Jason Whitlock. Hope Serena catches you on the flipside!