Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bird brain

After a little run late Monday afternoon, I walked to my car in the parking lot of this golf course. A man, thoroughly pissed, looks to be yelling at his car. As I approach my own vehicle, I am close enough in proximity to him to discover the source of his outrage. At first, I believe his face to be so red due to the heat and the fact he looks to have just played some golf.

Steps away from him, I realize his fury is over the fact he had bird caca all over his windshield.

He says to me, as I am the only one nearby, CANYOUBELIEVETHISSH*T?

Literally or figuratively? Well..yes on both accounts. We are both parked under a tree in effort to block some of the sun from igniting our interiors. And you had your top down, clown, so be glad there isn't a treat waiting on the seat for you. I don't answer him.

He clearly had a bad golf game, and probably a few el hozzels, because I have never seen someone get SO. PISSED. OFF. over this. He behaved as if he simply would not accept this travesty. I wanted to high tail it out of there before he either turned green and shredded his clothes a la a very unincredible Hulk, or the paramedics came to run the defibrillator.

As I take something out of my trunk, he asks me, like we are old pals, "What are you going to do when a bird sh*ts on your car?" First of all Bobby Knight, why don't you reduce the volume. You are yelling like a robbery victim. I didn't say that because he appeared to be ready to cut someone.

I looked at him as I got in my car. I think he is playing a trick question on me. So I say, "Ummmmmmmm. Wash it off?"

The funniest part is the look on his face as if he had NO IDEA what I was referring to....wash it off? What is this nonsense to which you refer?

I happened to notice his wedding ring when I went past him. Anyone who about hemorrhages over something so insignificant is probably a really neat spouse. If you like the male version of NO MORE WIRE HANGERS.

And yes, anyone can have a bad day. But even on my worst day, I didn't go apocalyptic over bird poop.

I hope his wife likes cocktails. In fact, I am sure she does.

123 comments:

the walking man said...

I have been told that in Thailand it is a good omen to be a recipient of a message from above. The nearer the poop is to the crown of the head the luckier you are about to become. I think that maybe the term shit head originated in Thailand.

Chic Mama said...

Yes, you wouldn't want to be married to him would you......
Although my husband was pretty laid back about the house if so dare as scratched the wheels on his precious car he would go ballistic. It's not as though I did it on purpose!! Control freaks!
Shouldn't park under a tree should he!!

SUGAR said...

ahah crazy middle aged drunk guys are pretty unnerving, and so very very angry!!

seems like the perfect cliched marriage - he goes out golfs, drinks too much and cares waaaay too much about the state of his car and she stays at home nursing her alcoholism and probably sleeps with her tennis instructor ;)

sugar
xoxo

Jules said...

Hey Jackwad, how's about not parking under a tree? My dad taught me that when I turned 16. THAT would have been the WISE thing to PREVENT the entire birdsh*t incident to begin with......

I like your response though...."Ummmmmm. Wash it off?"

Stupid people should have to live on an island.

My name is PJ. said...

Depending on how long said wife has been weathering this type of lovely display in the home, I'm guessing she's graduated from alcohol to pharmaceuticals to turning off her hearing aids.....

I need to learn not to read your posts while sipping coffee. It's a messy combo......

A Cuban In London said...

Next time he should install a portable loo on his windshield. Ahhhh... and better not forget loo paper :-).

Greetings from London.

Shop Girl* said...

Pfffft... some people make such a big deal over nothing? Bird poop on the car? Big whoop. Grab a cloth and wipe it off.

Now in your hair on the other hand (which happened to my aunt as we walked toward a theatre where we were going to see a major musical) is a little more unfortunate. haha

Mommy Mac said...

It's those little things, Jenny Mac.

Little things like bird poop who make up our TYPE A category for life.

With no TYPE A, there would be no TYPE B. And whilst I sit on the A/B fence most of my life, I sure like that cozy couch that B has to offer.

It's just cozy enough to smack TYPE A up out my being.

...wait.

I think B is not a couch but a cocktail.

Yea, that's more like it, huh?

.mac :)

Lauren said...

JennyMac,
Your mama is funny! Sitting on the Type B couch myself, I don't understand such antics over something so insignificant, but having married over the fence I have an appreciation those with a touch of OCD!

Lisa and Laura said...

Am I the only one who is having Sleeping with the Enemy flashbacks!?! Creepy.

But for the record, a bird pooped on me when we were on vacation in the Bahamas and I was horrified. And then 3 days later we had an offer of representation from a lit agent. Just sayin'.

Christina Lee said...

hehe- yelling like a robbery victim :)yeah pretty sad and scary-hard not to consider his wife..

Dustjacket Attic said...

That is just plain crazy, which I think explains him to a T! Scary.
xoxo

mammydiaries said...

I bet he likes his dinner ON THE TABLE the MINUTE he gets home every evening...

Bunny, THE PARIS HOUSE said...

Wow a real looney tune indeed!! I can't imagine being upset over that and I love my car!!! I would simply go to a car wash and head home or where ever and have a fabulous glass of wine. Life is Awesome!!

Matthew said...

Heart attack within 10 years or your money back, by the sounds of it.

You should have gone in with a 'don't sweat the small stuff' and watched him go all shades of brick...

Badass Geek said...

My parking space where I am currently staying at my parents house is directly under a large tree. A large tree that is home to a large flock of birds, all with seemingly severe gastrointestinal problems.

My car looks like an effing dalmation.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

What I think is that karma is a B*tch. Tomorrow the bird will crap on him.

Lisa said...

Good gravy! I somehow imagine that he doesn't wash his own car.

What can I say, when you go golfing, be prepared for a birdie or 2 ... HAHAHA!

Lucia said...

best just to ignore him.....

Judearoo said...

Point towards someone in the distance and say: "I saw that guy holding the bird over your car" and then drive away.

I dare you!!!!

Rob said...

That was a good one Jenny. I hate it when strangers try to rope me into their inane situations.

leigh said...

I can just envision all the birds giving each other high fives with their little wings. I bet that they actually live in a tree on his lawn and they followed him there.

What a tool box that dude is!

XO
Leigh

Stephanie said...

He sounds like a real gem. What a treat it must be to be his wife.

f8hasit said...

Isn't it odd when a total stranger, and obviously one on the edge, speaks to you as if YOU have the answer? Unnerving.

He might be standing there still. Waiting for his wife to come wash it off for him.
:-)

Poor woman.

Eva Gallant said...

hmmmm...wash it? Priceless!!!

Summer said...

Ok...that's flippin hilarious!

otherworldlyone said...

Hahahaha! Wash it off! That's crazy! Who washes bird shit off their car??

Probably a wife beater, that one.

susan said...

I am sure he thought this was a personal affront..most people like this do think the world revolves around them. I don't know how you kept from laughing...oohhh, that might have been very bad :)

FunnyGal KAT said...

I'm wondering what he wanted your response to be... "Oh my God, noooooooo! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do to make this better?" What a jerk!

McVal said...

LOL! He sounds like he needs to blog! I once had someone dump a whole can of pineapple juice all over my old pinto windshield, then throw a bunch of grass and dirt all over it. They thought it was someone elses car, I found out later.
I was shocked... but you know me. I just drove away with the windshield wipers smearing it around and drove home quietly. Looking back now, I could've blogged about it.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

In college, I had just washed my car because my girlfriend was coming to visit. It wasn't a "hot" car, or anything. But, I wanted it to look nice while I was driving her around and whatnot.

Anyway, on the way back from the carwash, some bird flew by and decided to defecate everything it ever ate only my windshield. Without exaggerating too much, the plop and splatter covered the entirety of the passenger side of the windshield.

I had to turn around and go rewash because it got on the hood and the roof, too. I had never seen so much poo come raining down from the heavens. It was like poo Armageddon.

Anyway, the point was that I wanted to kill every bird in the world for about 30 minutes until I finally simmered down.

Too Many Hats said...

This is too funny! I would have had a hard time keeping a straight face with this guy.

Sally-Sal said...

All birdy doo and crazy shank eyes makes his wife a patron of the good shit...

Ashleigh said...

Oh that is too funny.

It must have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thanks for stopping by blog.

:)

Scrappy Girl said...

Wow! Someone's gonna get an ulcer...LOL

BTW...I could never hate you...even if you don't like Twilight.

Sam_I_am said...

I wonder what would happen if a bird pooped on him? If he would have asked me what I would do, I'd shrug and say "sh*t happens." Then he'd probably kill me and freak out cuz he had blood on him.

ellen abbott said...

Reminds me of the time we had to go to a funeral with no time to wash the car after parking it under the camphor tree and a flock of grackels had come to feast on the berries. You could barely see the color of the car as we drove through a crowd of mourners.

Shorty said...

I like the comment with the "sh*t happens" response. I'm sure that would've left him speechless! Who knows tho, looks like he really wanted to converse on the subject quite a bit. The dude shouldn't really sweat the small stuff. Or it sounds like a defibrillator will certainly be in his future.

La La La Leah said...

Um sounds like we need a price check on some Costco size Xanax.... And I hope he does not read your blog when he finds it from googling how to clean bird poo poo of your car while parked under a tree at golf course.....

jules said...

"Um, wash it off?"

HA HA HA HA HA. Love it! Good for you!

Glamour Girl said...

I can't stand this type of behavior from people. Seriously! If that is the worst thing that happens to you, then you have it pretty good! I wonder how he would have reacted if he had been me laying on the beach a couple weeks ago when a seagull dropped one right on my back!

SmilingSally said...

Tsk, tsk.

The reverse of that is who married me. The car can be a filthy mess, and he doesn't mind.

(sigh)

No one is perfect like me!

Mira is triplet crown said...

There are some dudes like that out there. just lose it over the small shit because they contain it over the big shit. So to speak. Can be pretty scary and you're right not to engage if you can avoid it because they'll take it out on anyone they're not afraid of.

Crazy people. Just get mad that the things you're really mad about. Ok?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think his wife should take a shit on his windshield. Then he might spontaneously combust.

Lisa Anne said...

Jus tbe glad yuour not his wife or child. LOL

Eve said...

JennyMac! I feel like I've got so much to catch up on with you! I must stop using the excuse of "so tired I might pass out" and just get on with my blog roll!

Firstly, I would have been tempted to hit and run on my way out of the carpark with this guy.

Secondly, RE: you're reunion post. SO much fun just reading it! Also, You are beautiful and JohnnyMac is mighty fine! :)

foxy said...

Yeah, if by "really neat" you mean "gawd awful"... no doubt!!

What a psycho.

Michelle said...

That cracked me up!!!!!!

Char said...

i'm sure she does too - honestly. some bullies deserve bird caca

Kristina P. said...

My grandmother once literally cried over spilled milk.

Little Ms Blogger said...

2 things....

#1 - I've had a bird shit ON ME 3 times over the years. I go with the theory it is a sign of good luck.

#2 - If this is his biggest problem, maybe people could mail them some of their troubles so he would get over himself.

You're right - I do feel very sorry for his family.

Jen said...

Wow, someone should tell him that bird crap on your car really in not important in the grand scheme of things. But I think that they should tell him for a LONG ways away.

M-Cat said...

I would be so happy if the worse thing that happened to me on a given day was some bird poop.

And I fear for his wife and children. Really.

Tam said...

Hey! That guy at the golf course is my Dad! We call it "Pulling an Ed" when someone goes off like that...the cocktails help me, later in life, but mostly I just have to laugh at him. Seriously? Get over it! BTW, I'm with PJ - must stop reading with coffee... :)

Ela said...

I've missed your posts! Blogger and my internet have been wonky.

Sounds like a stellar guy. Seriously? I mean, I wouldn't jump for joy if it happened to me but I think I'd keep my veins in check. He's probably sold his car by now. What a freak.

Yankee Girl said...

Sh*t happens. Isn't that the saying?

Kathy B! said...

Nah, the wife's probably chained to the oven cooking. I'm sure he doesn't let her drink.

Intense Guy said...

Now me, I would have been interested in the color and textures... did said bird (or birds) just eat some some really juicy cherries or blackberries? ...And just how big was the bird(s)?

I have been told (and beleive me I've never even been remotely tempted to try this) that leaving a small opened package of potato chips on a car parked down at the shore can ... 'provide amusement' and/or 'revenge'.

Mommy Lisa said...

All I can think to say is "Holy SH*T."

This is why I do not really like people that much.... ;)

Emily said...

So, I'm thinking the beer cart gal over served him (or maybe didn't get him enough?) Seriously, a hissy fit over bird poop.

Pricilla said...

Hopefully his wife doesn't end up liking the ER doctor too much....

mo.stoneskin said...

This is what I would have said.

"You must not tolerate this. I certainly wouldn't. When a bird poops on anything of mine I hunt it down and slowly beat it to death with a teaspoon (thanks Sean Locke)..."

He would probably believe you, his rage overpowering his common sense and reason. Then you whip out a couple of teaspoons.

"Here, I've got a spare one, shall we find the bugger?"

Youngblood4ever said...

Holy Bird Sh!T Batman! Is that really the worst thing to happen to this guy? I figure if you have a convertible, and spent the afternoon at the golf course, no matter how sucky your game was, keep the temper under control. Life is pretty damn good for you!

B.o.B. said...

LOL! Best line: "probably a really neat spouse."

What a freak. So glad you got to see his crazy and share it with us.

Cathi said...

That's funny...hey bird poop is supposed to be good luck - maybe it should've happened before his golf game...haha..:)

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

Hee Hee. I'm glad you told him to "wash it". What an idiot! I hate it when strangers try to talk to me, because I hate appearing rude, but all I want to do is run the other direction!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Clearly some issues with the fellow. I'm guessing he lost his golf game and had a few too many cocktails of his own. He deserved to get crap inside of his car. Too bad he didn't.

Rebecca Knight said...

I'm with Cathi--he's one lucky S.O.B.!

Also, "I hope his wife likes cocktails. In fact, I am sure she does" killed me.

Maybe she'll have a "dirty bird" cocktail tonight to honor the occasion? ;)

Chief said...

God! I am glad you are in Georgia or I would worry that this was Duke!

yorksnbeans said...

One time I was lying on the beach (face down) and a sea gull pooped on my back. I was just thankful it hadn't pooped in my hair or in my face.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, this is terrific!!! And I love your blog!!!! So elegant!!!! Glad you found me so I could follow you here!!! Looking forward to getting to know you!!! ~Janine XO

Woah, Mama♥ said...

How funny. Now I have to say that I raise my glass to his wife, because if I was his wife I would be raising more than one Cocktail a day. Geez.

Geez Louise

Jingle said...

That is too funny! If you see him again you will have to just thank him for the great material! HA! I'm sure he'd love that! LOL!

Creepy said...

pretty sure i would have laughed in his face.... and told him to whip it out and take a wizz on it to wash it off.

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Hmmm, perhaps his balls were caught in a sand trap (literally, that is ;-) and he never recovered.

Either way, it sounds like when the shit hits the fan, er I mean the car, he can't handle it.

Next time, offer him some change to buy a scoop of ice cream to get over the caca. (Or coins towards his wife's drinking habit :-)

(army)Wife said...

Haha! Oh wow! He certainly wouldn't like my driveway which is under telephone wires because every morning my car is just covered. So once a week I have to wash it off...which I didn't realize was such a profound and unheard of solution :)

The Things We Carried said...

Please, someone give the woman a drink! How she can stand this man as a husband is beyond my understanding. Can you imagine what he is like in a true crisis?!

Elle Squared said...

Okay that is just too funny! Love it!

Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

i am the diva said...

that dude seriously needs a chill pill....

Grand Pooba said...

Good god man, I'm pretty sure bird poop comes off. And if you don't know how to do it yourself, I'm sure you could hire someone that could.

What's funny is that he asked you what you would do if it happened to you?! Who says that to a stranger, and in such an angry tone? I would have said that I'd probably throw the bird poop on his seat, I bet he would have been really confused with that!

(No, I wouldn't have said that, I'm too chicken)

Diana said...

This was funny Jenny. I'm sorry it probably wasn't at the time but your comment back to him was priceless!
Love Di

The Peach Tart said...

He needs a chill pill.

immersion said...

I'm in a public library reading this and literally laughed out loud! This made my day!

Anti-Supermom said...

Ouch, I totally feel for the woman.

Loud and an idiot... so I feel sorry for him too.

Jen said...

Wow - overreact much? I'll need to remember this when I'm freaking out about sandy feet coming into my house.

Sami said...

It never fails to amaze me at the stupid little things in life (that don't really matter in the big scheme) that just get people absolutely irate!! I predict his first heart attack will be in two years. :) (If he hasn't already had 3 already, that is!)

Mox said...

Hilarious post! That's one disturbed Dude. I think he might need something stronger than a cocktail. His wife for sure! So glad I visited. Love the line about being the male version of NO WIRE HANGERS.

See you around!

Mox

Life with Kaishon said...

Some men and their car obsession is just RIDICULOUS! Thank God you aren't married to him! You would have more than a love of cocktails....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

They say birds are spiritual messengers. If so, the message was pretty clear.

You know the road rage is escalating when he isn't even on the road yet.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Thanks for making me count my blessings. I'm not married to THAT guy. I'm thinkin' he needs a few REAL problems. Life will most likely accommodate him

Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. :)

PropellerHeadMom said...

I think a lot of golfers are like that. That is why I don't play golf anymore. God forbid you are in front of them on the golf course and they think you are taking too long. They purposely try to hit you with their golf balls. I don't put up with this type of behavior, so I tell them exactly where my golf club is going if they do it again :-)

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh my! Talk about needing a stiff one when he comes home and not in that naughty thought your mind just went to, I mean a drink straight up no ice nothing ... heck just bring on the bottle!

TechnoBabe said...

I personally don't drink, but if his wife is not an alcoholic, I hope she gets lots of drinks to prepare her for the time she has to spend with her husband.

Alicia said...

lol....some people are just so fickle! i love that he let BIRD POOP ruin his day!!! what a tool...

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I had a bird shit on my wedding dress as it was all laid out on the ground while we were taking photos, we laughed pretty hard. Must be a good omen cause we are still happily married after 16 years! Of course my husband knows the meaning of "wash it off". Thanks for the laugh!

Fireblossom said...

Cocktails nothing. That was in the first year of their marriage. Now, she needs nothing less than pure uncut Turkish heroin in order to deal.

The roots of this lie in his childhood. Mom would have cleaned off his bird poopy tricycle with her own spit and a large shred of her Bill Blass original, torn off on the spot in the service of her Golden Boy. Then she would have pulled some heavy ordnance out of the garage and blasted the offending birds right off the telephone wire. Surely wifey, when he eventually rented or bought one, would do the same little kindnesses for him, yes.

Wikipedia. "Male entitlement." His picture is there. Mhm.

JenJen said...

Boys and their toys. What a waste of adrenaline. Puh-lease. He parked in their toilet. What does he expect? Egotistical Arrogant Asshole.
Sorry. I know how you are about the swearing, so:
A$$hole.
xo

The Sharer said...

Thanks very much for a funny story...your humor is evident and caused me to take my issues down a notch too.....Sharer

blueviolet said...

I have never heard of anyone reacting that way to bird poop. That's bizarre. I just say a quick "gross", get in the car, and pray for rain.

Vodka Logic said...

Wow for being a late reader today I get to be the 100 comment on your blog..Wow. I am impressed and all over bird poop

with that reaction I wish the bird had crapped on his seat...
xx

Maridith said...

Girl you are hilarious!! I don't know how you found me but I am so glad you did. Love your writing and have enjoyed reading so many of your posts. Thanks for stopping by. BTW- you and your classmates look excellent 20 years later!! It must be something in the water!!

Alice in Wonderland said...

They do say that it is lucky for a bird to s..t on you! This guy is obviously heading for an early grave! I wonder what the penalty is for a bird sh...ing on your gravestone? I wish I had been there to see this! LOL!!! Thanks for stopping by!

Funny Girl said...

That's funny. Everytime I walk my property a bird poops on me...I look at the bright side and tell myself that a bird pooping on me is a sign of good luck to come in the near future.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Anyone that apoplectic over something that trivial is unable to control themselves and probably is abusive. Just my guess, but I wish I could pour his wife a cocktail right now. ;-)

minivan soapbox said...

I'm going to guess that his wife likes more than just a few cocktails...She's probably locked in the basement and thrown a copy of Good Housekeeping once a month.

Living on the Spit said...

Sorry for the pun, but that was some funny shit, dude.

You were the first person to make me laugh all day long.

I just love you, you know that?

Angie S said...

Really? That dude needs a stiff drink to take the edge off!

Muthering Heights said...

LOLOLOL...you kill me!

J.J. in L.A. said...

After the accident on our corner, there was a guy swearing at the car in front of him to "Move, GDI! Move!" He'd been kept waiting about 2 minutes. I thought 'Thank God I don't have to live with that'.

♥ Braja said...

In India, it's auspicious to have bird shit on you :)

What a dork....

MJW said...

This story is friggin hilarious. Don't you wish you could just speak your mind with no consequences? :) It'd be funny if you would have said those things and then him just smiled or something :)

Thanks for the laugh!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Wow. Someone needs to attend several anger management courses. Can you imagine if it landed on his head?

Pop and Ice said...

My spouse used to swear and go ballistic over simple things till I pointed out - is it really necessary to get worked up over dropping clean silverware on the floor when it can easily be cleaned again? Is it necessary to say sh** everytime something goes wrong? Why send your energy in that direction? He doesn't swear so much anymore over mundane incidents, but I can tell when he's saying it inside. And when I tell him he needs to reform his inside as well as his outside, well, let's just say it was a talking point for the therapist.

Yvette said...

BWAhahahahahahaha!!!!
Hilarious, just too funny!
Your little jabs were awesome and I just would've rolled on the ground in laughter if you had actually said some of them to that guy! LOL
Bird Brain indeed!

Shadow said...

oh no, one of those people who think the world is against him and this was a personal affront. shame.

LadyFi said...

Wow - I've heard of road rage.. this is similar, but of the bird poop rage variety! ;-)

Tiaras said...

I'm laughing on the inside on this one . . . this man would/could totally be my hubbie . . . he would park under a tree and leave the top down and have a freak out session over bird crap! The reason being - he has no clue how do do anything himself! (my fault for doing it all for him)

A said...

Wow, I think you met my ex.

AKA, the man who managed to break multiple golf clubs at the same time by throwing one club at the bag, shattering other clubs in the process.

It made for interesting conversations.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Good God almighty! Let's hope he lets his wife have a cocktail! He needs like . . . a drug cocktail. In a major way.

missbmckay said...

Ha ha ha ha! I love it! His undies were in a major bunch! If he has a wife and children, I hope he's a little more reserved when they make a mistake. Daddy Dearest is right!

Louise | Brochure Printing said...

LOL! Yeah, there are people who believe that getting pooped on by a bird is actually a sign of good luck.

But come on... really? Is it already such a good luck if you got pooped on by an animal? :D

vanilla said...

As some folk have no poker face gene, so some have no self-control gene. Too bad for the rest of us.

Constructive Attitude said...

It's not like it was on HIMMMM. what a freak!