Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This must be your first worst date

JohnnyMac and I took the little man to dinner the other night at one of our fave Atlanta locations, Taqueria del Sol. I went to get our table while JohnnyMac waited for our refreshing libations. I take a table outdoors next to a cute couple who appear in their mid 20s. After a moment or two of eavesdropping casual listening to inordinate amounts of giggling and awkward conversation, I quickly determine they are on a first date.

And the worst first date conversation ensues. But I loved it because it is going worldwide now, isn't it? At one point, when JohnnyMac and Mr. MiniMac came to join me, JohnnyMac said, "that must be some highly interesting dialogue going on since you are not listening to a word I am saying."

Me, not listening to a word JohnnyMac is saying? WOW...I feel like a husband.

Just kidding. JohnnyMac listens to everything one of out four
six ten things I say.

Boys and girls who are preparing to go on dates, here are several things you might want to avoid discussing:

Boy: blah blah blah my boss is a betch. Woman don't make good bosses.
Girl: tee hee heee...what?
Boy: Oh, was the offensive what I just said?
Girl: Well, not entirely offensive.

My thoughts: Ummm...straighten up Boy. This is no way to entice this woman or show your modernity. Your boss may be a betch. But the fact she is a poor boss simply because she is female is inaccurate. Go ahead and stick around, Girl. Hope you like having turkey pot pie on the table promptly at five.

Then Girl begins talking about her lunch time "drinking fest" she takes with other girls from the firm she is interning with. They call them "Margarita Lunches". Boy laughs. Girl talks about going to a Happy Hour with many people from her firm. She said someone ordered shots and says, "How stupid is that to order shots at 5 pm?"
Boy asks, "What did you do"

Girl responds, "Well, they were Redheaded Sluts. I mean, who is going to turn that down. I LOVE Redheaded Sluts."

Boy makes a sound like Slingblade and says, "Mmmmmmme too."

Girl: tee heee heeee tee heee, that is one night I did some things I regret.

Boy: (awkward hahaha) Regret like bad pictures taken of you or you woke up with needle marks in your arm? haha....followed by more awkward laughter.

Girl: Worse.

Silence ensues. While he may find this coquettish, he might also go home and google your name into YouPorn.com. Or you may become his favorite girl friend of all time.

Later, JohnnyMac takes MiniMac to potty. I catch this:

Boy : Tell me something interesting about you.
Girl: My college boyfriend had a 13" penis.
Boy: silence
Boy can say nothing immediately. Did Girl HONESTLY think about WHAT SHE JUST SAID?
Boy: huh huh uh uh....did you measure it?
Girl: tee heee heee hee hee. No.

LONG PAUSE

Boy: You measured it, didn't you?
Girl: Yes.

Thankfully I just put down my Pacifico or JohnnyMac AND little man would have worn it via pleasant snorting laughter spray-fest.

Here is just a potential tip: NEVER, and I do mean NEVER discuss your ex-boyfriend's 13 inch Johnson on a date. But that is why it was the first date and not the rehearsal dinner.

126 comments:

The Savage said...

I concur....

La Belle Mere UK said...

Awwww.... young love.....

Did it end well?

I once went on a first date with a man who cried about his wife leaving him all night.... hmmmmm......

LBM xxxx

Vodka Logic said...

OMG, I would have so been eavesdropping too. I wonder how that date ended. He had a lot to live up too.
lol lol lol....

Inge' said...

Wonder who set them up?! Don't think she will be getting a call for a 2nd date.

To think my worst date was with a guy that literally ate like a pig. I don't think I even stayed for all for the meal I was so disgusted. I was afraid to talk much because of all the grunts and snorts.

Simone said...

Oh.My.God.!!!!!!

She measured it....AND told her new date....AND said it loud enough to be overheard......I think I have heard it all now.

Absolutely hilarious! I LOVE your writing JennyMac, you are a genius! :)

Dustjacket Attic said...

Isn't it amazing that it is going worldwide, hi from OZ!!

That was hilarious, my gosh what nitwits. I know what you mean by spray-fest, it's so hard to hold it in!
xoxo

Amanda said...

Now I'm having a snorting laughter spray-fest! Do you think this first date might also have been the last date????

My name is PJ. said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! It began with one of my favorite sentences of all time: "Just kidding. JohnnyMac listens to everything one of out four six ten things I say." -But then it kept getting better from there! I'm still choking with laughter!

Jules said...

Oh my God!! But it kind of sounds like they are BOTH stupid so they may actually END UP married.... Wow.

Buckeroomama said...

*Snort, snort*

Is it that what passes for first date conversations now?!

mbkatc230 said...

Oh Good Lord, you don't think they'll breed do you??? Thanks for today's coffee out of my nose moment! Kathy

the walking man said...

Jaysus...Aging turns out to be a very grand thing after all.

ladytruth said...

And I thought I had it bad ;) At least Mom sets me up on dates who can say something other than 'betch' and 'redheaded sluts' or I'd be off somewhere rocking back and forth in a corner all week.

Theta Mom said...

Seriously, did she think that would impress the guy or something? You must have been cracking up the whole time!!!

Hit 40 said...

Jules comment is excellent. Hopefully, they will not breed.

Christina Lee said...

hahahaha -I love the Slingblade reference. I do this ALL the TIME at restaurants.

Dan. said...

They actually both sound made for each other, and will probably infect the world with their spawn.

Makes very funny reading though.

Matthew said...

And the free ads at the bottom of your posting tell me to Date A Cougar.

I think your posting has proved that.

Mind you, it's also suggesting I fix my windows. Bah.

A Year on the Grill said...

I can't believe my ex-girlfriend is still talking about me in public

susan said...

People like this don't actually have rehearsal dinners in the accepted use of the term--that implies a sense of decorum. I'd love to see their Facebook page!

mo.stoneskin said...

You've done me proud girl. I have sometimes caught some fine conversations but that one was a gem. Sometimes I deliberately sit next to ideal candidates.

Tammy Howard said...

I love eavesdropping in public places. And eavesdropping on first dates is the BEST! We were in line in front of a 'first date' at a concert this summer. It was wonderful, we didn't have to say a word...

stepfabulous said...

Totally surprised he didn't start order red-headed sluts............ Obviously interesting things happen when you do!

Shorty said...

Please pardon me while I vomit, between extended bursts of laughter, of course. Ahhh, to be so young and stupid. I'm sitting here thinking... did I have such stupid conversations? And, I must think to myself in response... yes, you certainly did. Why are there so many girls with such little self-respect in that age bracket???? I consistently hope that if I did ever have to go back and repeat my younger years that I would be much, much wiser and dignified.

Funny story, JennyMac. And, I love eavesdropping!!!

confused homemaker said...

Pot pie reference is classic, that is a great movie. And 13 inches??? I am not sure I believe that.

Cee said...

That is hilarious...especially the 13 inches part!

Michele Renee said...

Will Taquiera de Sol ever be the same? She should have followed that up with a "And I'm tellin ya anything over 7 inches is a waste".
Anyway I am so embarrassed for her.
Found you from A Lawyer Mom's Musings blog.
Love your writing!

Lisa said...

Holy crap that's hilarious!!! Fly on the wall!

mammydiaries said...

13 inches?!?!?!? That would kill you! Award for you on my page!

♥The imPerfect Housewife♥ said...

I'm so glad I don't have my coffee in my hand or I would've spilled it all over myself. Sooooo funny! Didn't you think you were getting Punk'd?? If that were me, I would've been so annoyed if my husband tried to actually talk to me while I was listening to that!!! You are just WAYYYY too hilarious ~ ♥

Coffee with Cathy said...

I love eavesdropping in restaurants! Thanks for being our ears in Atlanta.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Did you get her ex's phone number??

Samsmama said...

13 inches? If that's not on You Porn it sure as hell should be... I wish the lovebirds all the best!

MommaKiss said...

Chortle. And thank GOD I'm not dating anymore.

Eric said...

Well, I have to completely agree with the 'date guy' on the red-headed thing, and blondes and strawberry blondes, and sometimes brunettes and also occasionally girls with black hair.

The Boob Nazi said...

Must think of conversation topics before my date tomorrow night!

erin said...

On our real first date Jeremiah took me to long john silvers...nine years later on our second date we went to a pub where I got sloshed and we went back to his place and had sex three times.
Big difference between first dates at 17 and 27, eh?

McVal said...

I discussed an ex on a date once... once! Apparently I was still a bit bitter... The date was a guy I used to work with and hadn't seen in a long time. Big mistake... Never heard from him again.
I definitely didn't wasn't going to discuss his Johnson... as my last name was Johnson then. AND actually the reason he dumped me... on my birthday...
LOL!

jules said...

I adore eavesdropping on first dates! Sounds like you were sitting next to the holy grail though!

Badass Geek said...

Wow. I bet you could hear whatever fragment of confidence he had shatter.

Andi said...

Oh God, I almost sprayed coffee out of my nose reading the last part! That is crazy!

Michael Rivers said...

Wow. That is hilarious. Not much you can do to top that one. Short of him saying, "Well, I'm 14 inches."

Scrappy Girl said...

Sounds like a match made in heaven...LOL!

Mommy Lisa said...

HO-LY CRAAAAA-P! People are so stupid.

I guess that is what you get for taking "The Philosphy of South Park" in college.

Daaaamn I hope those two never procreate - with ANY-one.

Nonflammable said...

Hilarious that the most interesting thing about her involves another persons anatomy. I guess that was her way of sharing how accomodating and ahem....pliant she is.

You, funny lady!

Barbaloot said...

Okay-I see where I'm going wrong. I spend most first dates discussing the stupid/sluty things I do and praising my ex-boyfriend. So that's bad?

la aventurista said...

First of all, 13 inches?!?!?! Secondly, I am just ashamed that these people were probably my age. I mean, seriously?!

Jan said...

Well, there were a couple of people who needed to take a course in "social skills."

I need to go find someone who's known me for 25 years so I can get a much needed affirmation that I was not that much of a twit in my twenties.

Amanda said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA wow....just wow.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Much agreed about discussing ex-body parts...LOL ;) Good thing you are in love!!!!

Baloney said...

I'm shocked he didn't start buying her shots right then. That was an open invitation from her if you ask me. AMAZING. I'm in shock!
You didn't happen to see last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother did you? It was all about stupid things you do on first dates!

New England Girl said...

Oh my goodness! This makes me more than a little embarrassed to be grouped into the same age bracket as these two idiots. I would have died laughing had I been sitting where you were. Who discusses things like that in general?! and especially on a first date? It sounds like they'll make the perfect pair... let's hope that they can't reproduce.

The Enlisted Spouse said...

What!!! LOL... I am glad I have not had to go on a first date in 11 years.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh no, are these people for real?! God I am glad I'm married and don't have to worry about first dates anymore!

Char said...

I used to have talks with my single friends about "mystery" and why it's a good thing to have an aura of mystery instead of this stuff. No wonder it's a first date - probably one of many first dates because they can't get to second dates.

Amy said...

OH WOW!! My Boss wants to know what's so funny over here!

Thanks for the tips on first date conversations and what is taboo! Its been a while since my first date and this will come in handy! LMAO

The Peach Tart said...

That is absolutely not proper first date conversation. I bet her Mama would spank her bottom if she knew she said that out in public.

kyslp said...

She was obviously lying. If he has a 13 inch Johnson he would not be an EX-boyfriend.

(Forgive if someone else said this. In a hurry and didn't read all the comments. Bad me.)

Kristina P. said...

So, I see you were eavesdropping on our conversation.

Being Pramoda... said...

Hhaha..Thanks for some tips and the write up abt the young love ..:)

Tarable said...

But it was a Redheaded Slut!!! Nobody in their right mind would turn down a Redheaded Slut at any time, day or night!!


(What's a Redheaded Slut? They didn't have those back when I still did shooter... off to google...)

FunnyGal KAT said...

Ha ha ha! That's awesome! Do you think she was trying to avoid a second date or really thought an interesting fact about herself was how well an ex-boyfriend was hung?!? I hope, for her sake, it was the former.

Cathi said...

Hilarious story....love it!

Mrs Montoya said...

Oh yeah - I SOOOOO needed that laugh this AM and am SOOOOO glad that I am not in the dating pool anymore. Just don't know if I would last. I am so not a turkey pot pie at 5 kinda girl, ya know?

Good stuff. Always good stuff.

i am the diva said...

HAH! i can't believe that! and are we shocked that they're both single? no, we are not.

Yankee Girl said...

That's so funny!

Why do girls need to be stupid on first dates? Really, stop trying to impress and just be yourself! Girls who do things like this make me really mad. Doesn't she know the difference between being an idiot and being a flirt? Probably not.

i am playing outside said...

wow. i've witnessed some humorous first dates, but this one takes the cake.

Lisa Anne said...

LMAO!!

One Sassy Girl said...

hey hotstuff, a proper comment on this piece is coming but for now, check out the award i gave you. i love your stuff, plain and simple.
xx

B.o.B. said...

wow. no really wow. i don't even know where to go with these two.

it actually sounds like they may be a match made in heaven. (or hell. take your pick.)

Mrs.Zeus said...

Hilarious story!

FabBlab said...

How'd it end??

JenJen said...

Needles marks and incriminating photos is NOT THE WORSE IT CAN GET? Criminie!
These two dweebs deserve each other.

Hollyrocks said...

Mmmmm.. Sexism turns me ON!

Lisa and Laura said...

OMG. Did she seriously break out the 13 inch johnson!?! That is LEGENDARY.

Dan. said...

I have an award for you on my blog. Feel free to sashay over and collect it

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh my goodness... is that what this world has come to? Is that what our teens talk about?

YIKES!!! I have an 18 year old and a 19 year old. {{shiver}}

Too funny, but also SCARY!

Erica (From 5 Moms & A Blog)

foxy said...

GOOD GOD! What in the world was she thinking?! I'm mortified for her...

Pricilla said...

erm, just don't know WHAT to say.
Did she really think that would help or was she trying to lose him?

And the same could be asked of him.

I am sooooooooo very glad I don't have to date any longer. I don't think I could do it.

Whimsical Creations said...

OMG!!! What is wrong with people!?! LMBO!

nifer said...

LOL! Hysterical! I can't believe it. I think I would just die if I overheard that conversation, especially with my kids!

Some people just don't have a filter I guess. I'm clinging to a last-ditch effort at hope that they have been dating for years (maybe even married), got bored and decided to have some fun in public where curious people may be eavesdropping.

In fact, that might be a fun game to play sometime... too bad the boyfriend would never go for it.

~ Jen

Lola Lakely said...

Wow, this is the best first date eavesdropped convo I have ever read. I am standing up right now to give you a Standing Ovation.

Jeney said...

Good Lord...

You know, I've been dating my boyfriend for a month now and we still haven't technically had our "first date" yet.

This could make for an interesting post.

Brandy said...

oh geez. I would've been outta there 5 mins into conversation with that guy!

brainella said...

Why would you ever tell anyone you measured it? Especially a date. Ack.

Lauren said...

Oh how I miss Taqueria del Sol! My hubby and I had many dates there. It was one of our favorite places in Atlanta! Somehow, I don't think it will become that couple's "special place."

Charlene said...

What happened to casual conversation when on dates? Why does it always seem like it goes straight to your sexual experience these days...is that really so important?

Laoch of Chicago said...

I am relieved that my standard date patter sounds much more perspicacious.

Unknown Mami said...

I don't know, sounds like they deserve each other. I can't believe this conversation.

Simply Mel said...

Some of the best material comes from 'casual listening'!

Maybe these two nitwits took some of those extra-credit courses from yesterday? Or better yet, maybe she majored in all of them!

sheila said...

Oh good god, I would have had to turn around and say something.

And I had to laugh about husbands now listening....lol. I always tell my sister that if she wants her husband to listen to her, she has to say the most important words first and ONLY USE THREE...Because they only HEAR the first three words and then they just hear 'charlie browns teacher'. lol

Leah Rubin said...

Great, so your son was spared wearing your drink, but my Diet Coke just got splattered all over my monitor! You're hilarious, and the slut-girl on the date is a nimrod...

Chief said...

Wow, what a classy lady! and I really do want, ned, to know how she knew how long it was.

birdykins said...

Bahaha. Probably the most hilarious thing I've read this week. Still, it's only Tuesday but I have faith it will hold out til Saturday. Glad Sass turned me onto your blog.

Vicki said...

OMG! That is just way to funny. I actually felt like I was sitting right there with you craning my neck to hear them! I love it!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I hated 1st dates...until I met my man. He did everything right, but probably pissed off a few people. lol!

After our lunch (and before driving to the park to continue the date), I loaded my w/c into my car while he held the door open. That impressed me more than anything because I hate people asking, "Can I help you?" when it's something I've done a million times before.

WhisperingWriter said...

Oh my!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm so glad you were listening to their conversation! This made for one GREAT POST in the OMG dept.

I hope they didn't get drunk and hook up after the date.... The thought of them breeding makes me want to throw up! YIKES!

Hugs!!

secret agent woman said...

Ha ha ha ha! Maybe the 13-inch comment was payback for the crack about female bosses?

Young Mom/Wife said...

I love first date horror stories. What is so hard to understand about the fact that first dates are like a job interview. Point out your good qualities, NOT the bad or questionable ones right away.

I think I would have had a couple of spray fest during that lovely conversation.

Miss E said...

This post was hilarious. I often listen to other people's conversations and it drives my hubs nuts. But how could I miss out on a great morsel like this?! I'm so glad you were listening and taking notes. This was priceless.

Liz said...

OMG....perhaps this is a product of our "reality tv" world that we now live in...? We think this is GOOD first date conversation? HILARIOUS!

Tiffany @ Mine Are Spectacular! said...

I cannot stop laughing!! Great post... Priceless!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog & for the birthday wishes!!

Tiffany @ Mine Are Spectacular!

Amo said...

Wow. The penis part was hilarious! Once on a first date, the guy I was out with told me about how loud his ex-girlfriend used to be in bed because he is so good at sex. I made him take me home after that.

omchelsea said...

13 inches? Did they use a ruler he'd "prepared earlier"?

love in other words said...

that is hilarious - i almost shot wine out my nose laughing :)

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Ouch all that come to mind right now! LOL holy smokes that is some interesting convo, I doubt I could have ever topped that in my twenties .... hmmmm well ok just had a flash back. I'm going to back out before I say something stupid ... LOL :)

Jen said...

I love watching couples on their first date, I always thank my lucky stars that is not me. And then I realize I wish it was me. 13 inch johnson? why the hell didn't she stay with him?

velvetwoods said...

That's so funny ! why on earth would she discuss another man's penis....I wonder how that date ended up !

blueviolet said...

I can't believe how stupid people are!

Little Ms J said...

I'm a total eavesdropper too!

Pumpkin Delight said...

13 inches, really? Wow! Why is she with lady-boss hater? :)
Now that I'm in my 30s, 20-somethings are so annoying.

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

i am no commenting and not just reading from my phone. ;)

ok, that was the worst and most painful convo of all time. how did you manage to keep your shit together? i would have lost it.

M-Cat said...

Crap! I listen to EVERY single conversation around me at dinner and there is NOTHING ever as exciting as this. It's cause I'm in Utah. Right?

Mira said...

Hilarious! What an idiot girl. I hope he ditched her.

Intense Guy said...

Gee. All they needed to be doing while on this date is eating foot-long hotdogs with relish. Okay, that pun probably does cut the mustard - but maybe someone will catch up and suggest a better condom-mint.

Kate said...

Genuis no date I go on can ever be this bad! Love it

Kate x

TheBeez said...

That's got to be one of the most awkward conversations I've ever heard. I probably would have been tempted to run away in a giggle fit.

Halle@HouseCapated said...

Hilarious! I would have sat there all night and listened...hahaha.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I will follow you. I am loving your blog.

siovhan said...

hahahahahahahahahahahaha. i had one of these exact experiences last night. wow. you hit the nail right on the head, lady.

Tam said...

"...a noise like Slingblade" - CLASSIC! This story killed me. Better than a good sit com episode any day.

Vivienne said...

I weep for the future.

Dina's Days said...

I laughed out loud. I forever eavesdrop and my boyfriend can just tell from the look on my face that I have no idea what he just said because I was too busy listening to an entire conversation that does not involve me.

What a horrible date.

EmFabulousFunshine said...

i absolutely love LOVED this story...i'm posting alink to it on my blog next week if you don't mind. have a great weekend!

Michelle said...

oh my goodness that is horrible!

Brochure Printing said...

LMAO!
That is such an awkward conversation. But hey, at least those were some entertaining facts. You would be bored if you went to a date with a guy who talks about his stamp collection, wouldn't you? :D