Monday, September 14, 2009

No shots allowed: The Ultimate Football Game Makeover

Ahhh. Football season has officially begun. Or, what I like to call:

My husband's 5 month org_sm.

For those of you who follow US college football, you are already quite familiar with the SEC. With a majority of strong football programs, the schools in the South Eastern Conference are powerhouses on the field, and have historically great legacies in the world of college sports. In addition, University of Florida (Gators) have won several National Championships in the past decade.

Therefore, SEC fans consider themselves true fanatics of the game. What some might call "spirited" others might call rabid. In addition, these fans (and teams) live for rivalry games.

The SEC has some of the biggest rivalries in college game day history and one of the biggest is the annual Georgia v. Florida game. Also known simply as "Georgia Florida" or to hundreds of thousands of people: The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Held every year in Jacksonville the last weekend of October, this is a football game unlike most college football games.

Two years ago, the University of Florida leadership under President J. Bernard Machen lobbied to eliminate people from referring to the game as The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. He thinks it undermines the overall goals of the school and reflects poorly on the institution as a whole.

Hmmmm. Let's review: He is the top administrator for the University of 50,000 students. He is advocating change in a positive direction. He is saying that a cocktail party and a football aren't necessarily soul mates. He would like to erase the correlation between alcohol and good times. Alright. I appreciate your earnest interest in drying up Jacksonville, if only for one day.

I don't need to be the one who discloses the fact that just because you call a stripper an "exotic entertainer" doesn't actually change anyone's real perception. But if you think you are going to change what hundreds of thousands of people have been referring to the Georgia Florida game weekend as for decade after decade, bravo for you. You must be a powerful man.

Now, President Machan has bigger plans. He wrote a letter to the Mayor of Jacksonville with the following demands requests:

1. Reduce the number of locations selling alcohol by 50 percent.

2. More investment of the city's time and wealth into curbing binge drinking at the game.

3. Completely prohibiting the sale of shots at the waterfront shopping area, Jacksonville Landing — a popular location for game revelers.
Well, let's pull out our clipboards and analyze.

First, go ahead and reduce the number of locations. I am sure that will stop everyone. By the way, I have been to this game. It IS the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. The average age is more like 30 and not 20 like you might assume. People fly from across the county for this event.

Our tents at our tailgate had air conditioning and mounted flat screen tvs. Why? Because these are not college kids throwing these tailgates. They are CEOs and CFOs of companies all over the South. These are grown people with access to many grown up acoutrements. They plot and plan for this weekend for months. Do you know what else they do? Bring alcohol with them. You know the hundreds of grocery stores in Jacksonville? Yes, well, they all sell alcohol and unless you are going to search trunks pulling in the parking lot, mere reduction of locations will stop a very small percentage of people.

Secondly, I appreciate you want to curb binge drinking at the game. In fact, I encourage it. Nothing is more unpleasant than seeing grown men being firemen-carried out of the stadium before the second half. Binge drinking also leads grown men to remove their shirts whether or not their abs think it is a good idea. Binge drinking also leads to groping, farting, and various other levels of raucous behavior. You want to curb that? Well, curb on President Machan.

But finally, the shot ban? I am not degreed in Modern Behavior and Psychology but for fun, let's do some Social Algebra shall we? If you remove X (Shots) from Y (the Game and the Landing) in order to obtain Z (moderate and classy behavior) I assure you, this does not compute.

While I may only be the boss of one little student right now, even I know this approach has epic flaws. The primary reason these requests concern me is do we all not know by now what happens when you tell fanatics; spirited, rabid, or otherwise, that they can not do something? They do it in spades.

Do you know what flasks are? Tiny devices for storing alcohol in hidden places on one's person. Do you know that in the absence of flasks, grown people will fill sandwich bags with alcohol and place them in their underwear? Do you know that if you deny people shots they will plot like Army Rangers to not only bring alcohol in but bring it in like the proverbial locusts? Are you going to do body cavity searches at the gates? Please, think this through.

What you don't want is rioting on your hands and don't think grown people will not rebel and resist your suggestions. It will only backfire. Have fun the next day during clean up. I will watch the game safely from home.

58 comments:

My name is PJ. said...

An excellent counter-rant!!! And my most bestest, favoritestest, part of your counter-rant was the new-to-me-term, "social algebra".

Lest I've not made it clear before, JM, you have many flashes of brilliance!

today's word verification: itink

Vodka Logic said...

Written by a true lawyer. And it makes sense. The more you try and stop someone the more they try to get away with it. Regardless of age.

PS..we only watch pro football in our house..dunno why ask the husband.
Go Patriots.
xx

Laoch of Chicago said...

First I have to say that I like sports more than the next person. That said, they have become much too important in the scheme of things as related to Universities and I think it would be better if there were no Intercollegiate athletics at all.

Although I like big cocktail parties.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Gee you have really thought this one through! Very interesting read!
xxx

Jules said...

Yeah. Good luck with that! My brother just went to a HUGE game up here in the midwest on Saturday....same thing. College football and drinking go hand in hand. Remember when they used to sell it IN the stadiums???

Simone said...

In the unlikely event that I am ever arrested, please may I hire you.....what a mind you have!

I know nothing about college football....it's a whole new world to me......fascinating!!

:)

Amanda said...

This is where I wish I knew more about your football, which my husband really got into while living in Atlanta for a while. However, your argument stacks up, regardless.

The Savage said...

I don't watch much football. I really don't watch sports anyways but your take on the big drinky-fest is agreed on by me.

The Peach Tart said...

Having been to the world's largest cocktail party myself many times being from the University of Georgia, your arguments make perfect sense. There is no way to stop the party nor should they.

mo.stoneskin said...

"Reduce the number of locations selling alcohol by 50 percent."

Reminds me of my search for beer the other night. Note, I'm not a binge drinker, but after a long day's work I wanted a couple cans to enjoy as I took a 3 hour train journey up north. I had half an hour before my train, and in that time I did not find anywhere selling alcohol. It made me very sad.

Shop Girl* said...

I've never really understood this... I don't drink which could be why I don't, but why do drinking and sports seem to go hand in hand? Is football more fun to watch when you can't focus on the ball? haha

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am not a fan of college football, but hubby is. In fact, he asks me every year to go with him to the OU/UT game, which I decline. I agree with you. Something about it brings out the under age drinking in every grown man. Ridiculous!

Sunshinemeg said...

Fantastic points! Banning shots? Interesting idea. I hate seeing the crazy drunk dudes going insane, but in moderation - I say go for it. Agree with you completely!

Diana said...

Bravo Jenny, What next no hot dogs as they can raise your cholesterol levels! Love Di

P.S. my word verification is coors! No shit!

Cee said...

I'm not a football fan but I agree with you completly. Any time a college makes an effort to reduce binge drinking in always backfires. Why wouldn't they instead try to focus on keeping things from getting out of control...maybe provide a shuttle or something to stop drunk driving?

My college was always trying to pull stuff like that and it never worked!

The Redhead Riter said...

Funny how I hear and see how alcohol totally wrecks some people's lives and makes them so sick---yet they still drink. :o(

As a side note: I love how your blog takes up the WHOLE screen! Great template!

Scrappy Girl said...

I am so glad my hubby doesn't watch sports...

Intense Guy said...

Sports were fine when they were games - but now they are big business. Bleah.

Bring back the original Olympics idealism.

Badass Geek said...

I've seen people fill ziplock bags with alcohol and tape them to their legs, stomach, anywhere that wouldn't get patted down thoroughly upon going through stadium security. Rules? Eff that. People will find a way.

AmyK said...

It's a wonder that the tailgate demographic has not been more publicized. My husband bleeds maize and blue for the University of Michigan - Big 10 Football. I would say that tailgating involves so much more than just drinking for most of the fans.

I'm would also be surprised if this does not die pretty quickly. Football brings in sooooooooo much $$ to universities. I wouldn't think they would do anything to jepardize that. These fans could take their business to the sports bars instead.

Char said...

isn't telling college students not to drink like telling the sky not to be well, blue?

clearly he doesn't understand SEC football

La Belle Mere UK said...

Wise move Jenny Mac! Stay home away from the raucousness. You are also free from "the shot police" there and can drink until your hearts content. Although from memory, I suggest you should probably stay away from Jose.

LBM xxx

Being Pramoda... said...

Hey..good one it seems as i read the starting lines.. will come back here to read it to its length..:)

Kathy B! said...

This is sad. The intentions are good, but the product is stupidity. Let's hope this poor fool thinks about this a little harder before he does something completely moronic.

Mira said...

How long has that person been president? And where did he come from? Does he not understand that he has just granted free publicity and invitations to thousands more people to come join your party? Silly man.

Mira is triplet crown said...

Hokay, I don't know what happened to my comment, but I guess I'll post again in case it didn't go thru? Moderate this one out if there's two!

So I was saying...that pres is an idiot. He's just enlarged the invite list and advertised to every drunken idiot for miles around to come join. Get a clue!

Chief said...

This is what is crazy about College Football. The loyalty for the team gets lost in the mayhem! We have a similar rivalry here. CRAZINESS!

La La La Leah said...

ROLL TIDE ROLL !!!!! That is all....

sheila said...

What pisses ME off is they let you DRINK but not smoke. I helped BUILD our stinkin stadiums but I can't frickin smoke in them. And last I checked no one ever smoked a cig...got in the car and killed someone because of it.

Ughhhhh.

as for football. I love it but it makes me crazy listening to my stupid husband calling plays, coaching and screaming like a fucking moron from his chair.

Lisa Anne said...

Love Football, NFL not college so much so my sunday was a blast. Attempted to make lumpia, didn't come out as planned but still yummy. Come play my Monday night Football poll!!

http://smellthecoffeelisa.blogspot.com

Prosy said...

There's no way alcohol and football could ever be separated. They outlawed alcohol inside the GA stadium, and we all just slipped flasks into are boots. Or pants. Or wherever we could hide it.

sarah said...

I just don't get what the deal is with everyone trying to limit the drinking. All that is going to do is take away profits from businesses while allowing for more private parties. They tried this in my college town and it had ZERO effect on the total number of drinks consumed.

Yankee Girl said...

I'm so sorry, but reading about football, or any sport for that matter, just makes my eyes glaze over. I will catch up with you tomorrow!

McVal said...

I almost killed a drunk college student this weekend! As I drove around the ISU stadium trying to get to the other side of town, I ran into a million people tailgating and going to the stadium. Police directing traffic, it took 20 minutes to get thru that intersection. Once thru, I started speeding up as people were on the sidewalks. Then one guy was being chased by a girl and ran right out in front me laughing very stupidly. IDIOT! I didn't hit him... but am wondering how many points I would have gotten had I done it?...
I can see the presidents point... but you're right. Call it what you want, it won't change...

Pricilla said...

You would think that he would know that the more you say NO the more tradition will bite his butt. Ain't nothing gonna stop it unless the attendees stop it.
hic

MammaDucky said...

Why, just this past weekend my hubs snuck copious amounts of alcohol into Death Valley in Baton Rouge. Yeah, good luck banning alcohol, buddy. He just issued the biggest challenge to tailgaters everywhere.

Alicia said...

boooo to him!! what a bah-hum-bug!! and i don't even drink, but i would, just to spite him...

Rebecca Knight said...

I for one did NOT know about the ziplock bags o' booze :P. I've learned something new today!

And now I'm off to the movie theater in my breezy parka. *slosh, slosh, slosh*

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Oh so that's what it is...a 5 month org_sm! No wonder all he can do is lay around, he is surely exhausted!

You certainly have a way with words! No one does it quite like you and I enjoyed every word of your counter.

I really would love to see you in action, I'm sure you could chew someone up and spit them out in nothing flat! I adore your wit! I'm sure stupid people are such a delicious snack for you!!

One Sassy Girl said...

This made me want to attend until I really thought about the fat sweaty men and the hangover I'd suffer. You can bet you bottom dollar that guy with the I <3 shots t-shirt you saw in the park will be in attendance!

Chic Mama said...

Wow, that sounds interesting.....and yes so much more comfortable watching at home. I have to admit the only football I watch is when my sons are playing. I think a lot of the footballers here are overpaid thugs and it makes me cross. I'm sure there are lots of nice ones too. ;0)

Tiffany said...

Just stumbled on your blog and I love it! Have a great week! (Oh, and college football is a religion in our house...Love me some Big 12 football!)

Tiffany said...

And I forgot one thing....you are exactly right. It.Will.Stop.Nothing. Because as an almost yearly attendee of the Texas ou game it is the exact same thing. One huge 48 hour happy hour. And not selling it in Dallas proper would do Not.One.Thing to prhibit alcohol consumption. Where there's a will there's a way!

Mama Kat said...

Boy I'm glad we're not football fans and can just get drunk at our own leisure over here...

Mark said...

Yes! Time for the prez to go to history class. Prohibition does not work, unless you are a member of organized crime.

Eva Gallant said...

Well, I must be the only non-fan of football on the face of the earth. I will whine during the short space between Baseball Season (Red Sox fan) and Basketball Season (Celtecs fan)!

And I prefer to watch them all from home on my hi-def 42-inch screen TV.

I know--I'm just no fun at all!

Grand Pooba said...

By chance is your Prez from UTAH?????? Because I think he used to be my neighbor, or any other mormon in this god forsaken pretty much dry state!

JenJen said...

Well. I dig the tailgating. I am sorta ok with watching college ball. I'm totally B-O-R-E-D watching pro ball. I'm COMATOSE if I have to watch either on television.

blueviolet said...

You're right. Human nature will fight against anything that's prohibited, especially when coupled with sports.

jaz said...

this post is FUNEEEEE!!!! your little one would love trick or treating at my house! i make very fancy individual treat bags all wrapped up and tied with ribbons. no one comes to my house though. i live right in the city so there are no kids around anywhere near me. i stand in front of my house and make people walking home from work take my treat bags. they all think i am crazy. oh well!!!!! i love it anyway!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

YIKES so don't want to be there for that one! We're not big drinkers but I know my hubs is big in to college ball. He goes on and on about the glory days when he played for SDU ... yup I tune out ... LOL

But all those parties are what makes the fun part of the game for me. I love the social part and just hanging out and having fun. Wowzers is all I can say.

Emily said...

Haha! I remember this whole issue...hubs and I pretty much laughed our A55s off at the thought off it and then remember to refill our own flasks for the Auburn game Saturday!

Veronica Lee said...

Thanks for stopping by at my blog.

Thank God, Hubby is not a football fan!

ladytruth said...

I just came from another blog with a similar issue concerning alcohol and the consumption of it. It seems like the government is out to get the liquor lovers around every corner!

Baloney said...

When Bob Stoops came to OU he put an end to all of us leaving the game at half time to drink beer across the street. We usually returned to the game for the last quarter. They made a rule that once you left you didn't get back in. Gotta love college football... and beer.

Kristin said...

Crazy talk. Leave the FLORIDA/GEORGIA game and it's boozing fans alone. I think you might have mixed up the order by putting Georgia first. Ah ha ha. I gotta agree though, I've been to that cocktail party many a time and thing do get nuts, but I don't think this plan is going to curtail things.

Big Hair Envy said...

I'm married to a Wolfpack man, who also happens to be a Dallas fan. 'nuff said.

Living on the Spit said...

I live in ACC country, but the same holds true at the UVa/Tech game. I could even say the event I recently participated in, equaled in alcohol consumption, as well as those exposed abs that should have never seen the light of day...but one thing is certain...the next time I need a good defense attorney, I am calling you. I heard the VA bar is the easiest anyway.