Tuesday, August 18, 2009

If these tiles could talk

A friend and I were out last weekend and popped by her brother RockCity's place for a quick visit. Later I received a mysterious text containing a plea for assistance in penning this missive. I wholeheartedly agreed. Below is what we came up with...


Dear RockCity:

It is time to talk. I know this will be hard for you to understand. I feel like we have come to a fork in the road, but to be fair, it's not me, its you.

I realize you are completely comfortable in our relationship. I see you feel truly at home. But I wanted to share something with you.

I feel dirty.

With the constant leftover toothpaste in the sink, I see you going deeper and deeper into an abyss. Germs do not make you blink in the least. And I assure you, I harbor more germs than the CDC.



And when you leave your urine in the toilet. Well, that's unsightly. Indoor plumbing is a convenience you should enjoy multiple times per day. And while we are on that topic, maybe you should drink some more water. You don't appear to be too hydrated.

And when the brunette came over last week, she wouldn't sit on that toilet seat. I think she had a minor gag reflex kick in and then, she used profanity. A mere whisper and I hate to repeat things, but she looked around and said are you f*ing kidding me?

RockCity, friend, you must realize that when you want a woman visitor, and she needs the lav to "powder her nose" if she finds what the last one found, well, you won't be getting lucky, I promise you. And just forget about any reenacted scenes from 9 1/2 weeks. Why? Because those usually involve a shower during or after. That will not happen here.

You may as well have a dish on the counter with a note saying "Free
Staphylococcus."

I think you just need a quick cleanse on the sink, counter, and shower. The shower doors are not opaque by design. They make special products to help us both. And the tub? It looks like you attempted to rinse a dead body down it.

Oh, and the floor. Please don't forget the floor. There is currently enough of your hair on the floor to knit a gorilla.

If people had to choose between a port o john at the bus terminal and this bathroom, I know they won't be coming here. Save yourself future embarrassment. Give me a scrub.

And if you can't find the time, which clearly seems to be an issue, can you pay someone to come? Your sister will do it for $30.00. Well worth the investment.

Help me shine.

Regards,
Your Master Bathroom.

107 comments:

Passion Fruit said...

The poor little thing.. How recklessly it has been treated. Well, if RockCity's heart won't melt on a letter so sincere as this one then I don't think he deserves a bathroom at all. A jakes in the yard would do for him, 'tho he probably would just go behind it.

The Peach Tart said...

"enough hair on the floor to knit a gorilla" - great line and great post.

Matthew said...

$30? I'll do it for $25 providing the air fare's thrown in and I don't have to bring my own rubber gloves.

My name is PJ. said...

I was laughing so hard I literally choked on my first cup of coffee! AMEN TO THAT, Master B!

Jack Daniel said...

Ooh. this pic is sooo dirty.

I remember when I put a lot of toothpaste and water into that three-hole-water-float-prevent-hole.

My mom told me snakes were coming out of that hole everytime I did that......so I stopped.

Jules said...

That is HYSTERICAL! I think you have some great similes and metaphors in there, as well as threats, to help get the point across. Plus, you added a great way to solve the problem. Well done!!

Vodka Logic said...

May not be very witty but... ewwww.

xx

ladytruth said...

Eeeeeeeekkkkkkkk! And gross! If the BATHROOM is that dirty ... no sexy time for this chap any time soon ;)

the walking man said...

If his washroom is that disgusting...and I know I am making a leap here...but why is he named RockCity? Detroit is rock city according to KISS

"You gotta lose your mind in detroit rock city"

Oh wait I get it now. This why the locals refer to Detroit a Detroilette.

Tell him flat out to clean his shit up (or at least his piss and toothpaste)

Shop Girl* said...

I generally refuse to use the washroom of a single man's / group of men's apartment. *shudders*

Hairs on the floor are disgusting... and don't even get me started on the sink.

While I was in university I actually had an intervention at my best friend's apartment and taught his roommates how to clean.

It lasted a week. haha

Tammy Howard said...

Off to clean my bathroom...

The Savage said...

fiberglass cleaner for boats is about the best thing to get that mess cleaned up.... or dynamite.

Sami said...

Oh lordy, my ex-boyfriends whole FAMILY used to pee in the toilet and leave it - they'd flush like twice a day. I'm all for water conservation but there are better and more hygenic ways to do it! UGGHH!

The Cottage Cheese said...

Ew. Boys can be so gross. I do like his name though: "RockCity". The actual place is about 15 minutes from my house. It, however, is very clean.

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst said...

Ewww. I once went over to a single guy's house for a night of poker, and unwittingly asked to use the bathroom. It rivaled this bathroom you just described. The kicker is that this guy is still single (shocker!) and can't figure out why he can't get a girl. Oh, and he NEVER brushes his teeth. They have fur. Blech.

Jenny
Words On Wendhurst

Emily said...

Hm, I might have to forward this one on to my brothers!

Mommy Mac said...

And this is where I politely ask you to never visit my master bathroom.

It's so last on my list!!!

I know. Head hung in shame.

I'll do better. No lashings, please!

.mac :)

♥ Braja said...

Damn: bathrooms are writing now??

Lisa and Laura said...

This is freaking hilarious. I have brothers-in-law that shall be receiving links post haste. It brings me back to my husband's pre-marriage apartments. *shudder*

Jenn @ youknow... that blog? said...

Um. I threw up a little in my mouth.

Hysterical post, but wow... how can people live like that?

Sorry it's been so long since I visited... I've missed your wit!

Regina said...

Funny. Nice one :).
I will be back.
Thanks for dropping by.

Lauren said...

Oh that is just vile!!

Sabrina said...

My bathroon is dirty right now and this post was very convicting.
But at least I flush my toilet!

Stephanie Faris said...

I hate cleaning bathrooms. $30 would be worth it but then it would just get messed up again.

McVal said...

How hilarious!
A single friend of my husband is like this. The bathroom especially was scary, so when my hubby visited once, he put a candy bar wrapper inside of one of the empty toilet rolls sitting on the bathtub edge. Months later, he went back to visit and it was still there. So he added another one.

Denise said...

Oh my!

i always always clean our bathroom every other day. It's a good thing that it's just me and my husband in the whole house, so it's very manageable.

btw thank you for the nice comment.

have a great day!

Samsmama said...

My master bath is seriously neglected as I'm the only one that uses it. But that picture? Sick! It's not nearly that bad.

Great letter! And $30 is a steal!

Yaya said...

Oh ew. I woulda flipped. Me and my OCD can't handle that!

Geez Louise. said...

Oh how gross, but quite funny to say the least.Cause we all know men, some men don't know the difference between clean and dirty... Someone needs to buy some bleach and scrub n bubbles!!!! Good luck with that RockCity Friend of yours!

ellen abbott said...

What is it with the Y chromosome and bathrooms?

Kathy B! said...

YUCK!!!

But when you knit a gorilla out of all that hair?

I demand pictures.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

My first apartment was shared with my older brother and my 20-year-old boyfriend (who would eventually become my husband). And OMG. I was appalled. It's amazing how oblivious to their own grossness young single(ish) guys are.

I still have nightmares.

Heavenly Housewife said...

very funny, but yucky at the same time :)

Ela said...

Oh gosh, gagging just looking/thinking about it. I was just telling the hubs last night, who wholeheartedly agreed, that there's nothing worse than a dirty kitchen or a dirty bathroom - 2 places you NEED to feel sanitary.

Wow $30...I would've charged $100...at least. That's sisterly love at it's best and a FABULOUS deal - I hope he took it.

Judearoo said...

A beautiful ode to filth and call for redemption; very gigglesome!

JenJen said...

I don't have anything witty or spry. I only have:
EW.

Mandy said...

I had to shun my daughter's eyes from looking at this filth! What a dirty, dirty post this is!

Naughty little RockCity and his master bathroom! You two need to clean up after yourselves before this kind of thing leaks onto the internet and becomes bigger than Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. I can envision the Late Show top ten jokes and Dr. Phil commentary on this one.

Please, please - it only takes one wipe a day. If you can wipe your butt, surely you could wipe the mouth of your beloved sink. Think about it or you may find your own anus looking the same in the nursing home one day....

rebecca said...

I think you forgot to say to please bring your own hazmat suit. Holy Moses!

Baloney said...

I am feeling really good about myself right now. I have never had a bathroom look that bad!
This does remind me of my husband's college apartment though.

New England Girl said...

OhMyGoodness! I couldn't live like this! I am so OCD about such matters and I would definitely bolt from any house that I discovered this sort of mess in. I think the $30 is a wise investment [she should make sure to wear a haz mat suit] if he ever wants to have another female visitor or avoid grabbing up some of that lovely staph. Gross.

Lee said...

That's Hilarious! And Gross!! You couldn't pay me $30 to clean that...well, for $30 I wouldn't clean my own toilets either!!

Mira is triplet crown said...

Gross, but i would hazard a guess that $30 doesn't adequately cover the high risk insurance policy she should take out to cover possible ebola contamination.

I'm just sayin'

Chief said...

Are you writing this letter to my husband?

Chief said...

P.S. I got a huge kick out of the google ads that randomly showed up for this post. "Sanitize your toothbrush" and Find drain cleaning services". Seriously hysterical

Grand Pooba said...

Ewwwww! I hate cleaning bathrooms, no way would I do that for 30 bucks! Hell, I already pay someone to clean mine!

La La La Leah said...

Ah that post took me back to the days of dating... I don't miss it. I guess that's why I married my husband his bathroom was pretty clean for a guy. I need a shower now.... ;)

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Gross! This gave me flashbacks to my college boyfriend's frat house bathroom. *shiver*

confused homemaker said...

This post makes me want to start cleaning immediately, not even my own bathroom but the own shown here. Ugh, gross.

AmyK said...

Why can't men see this? It doesn't even register with them. I'm sure the homes their Mamas raised them in did not look like this. My husband's bachelor pad was the same way. He's lucky I found him and took him away from all of that.

This should be in Playboy-which "they buy for the articles" so can get a clue.

Taylor said...

Lol! Disgusting indeed.

Lisa Anne said...

That's just wrong. I think it's a guy thing. He really should hire a maid. Is he single? If so, it's no wonder he is single.

Did he actually read this? I want to know what happens next!!

Eric said...

Whoa, $30 is a bargain.

Is it wrong to make piles of clothes and jam them all into the washer at the same time? You know, in order to save time?

AquarianJwl said...

Egads! Not getting "lucky" for sure.

Thanks for stopping by my little corner of the web.

Have a fantastic Tuesday. :)

Yankee Girl said...

Why do men have to have messy bathrooms? It's seems like it's a rule or something. And why don't they ever have soap in their bathrooms? Don't they wash their hands?

Inna said...

only $30?? I'd do it for $100, but I'd wear Bio-safety-level 3 gear and have the place be completely sterile. No, really, I know how to make it COMPLETE sterile :)

and ps - unfortunately I have some old college friends who would probably not even notice the dirtyness. Just saying, maybe he is getting some after all

Intense Guy said...

I sit here, silently, and like, a lightbulb goes on over my head, and the slowly dawning of just why I haven't been "getting any" fills my mind.

So...if I got this right, I pay someone $30 to clean my bathroom, and someone else "gives me some".

Gosh I've always been really bad in economics - and worse when it comes to dusting and moping.

Mrs. D Lightful said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! haha that post makes me want to go clean my bathroom! Have a great day! :)

foxy said...

"enough of your hair on the floor to knit a gorilla" - totally spewed water on that one! ha...

BTW - you won yourself one of those floozy koozies from my little giveaway last week. YAY! i'll email you for your address.

Kristina P. said...

We had our carpets cleaned on Saturday, and I could have made a coat of the hair that was found on the bathroom floor.

Laoch of Chicago said...

This is why all civilized men should hire a maid.

Badass Geek said...

Awesome post. It sounds like the bathroom of many a single man.

Idea #527 said...

Ironically I was at my guy friend's new house for his birthday and she was giving me a tour since I hadn't seen it yet and made the comment about how dirty the shower was when I looked at.

I told her, the next time she is in, just to clean it. I did that once to a guy I was dating and all he said was "Did you clean my shower??" when he got in after me. And when I said that I had he said "Oh, thanks. . .you're right, it looks a lot better."

But that sink is disgusting.

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

Hilarious! I loved this post and not becuase I have known men who would live like this (okay, maybe a few). Here's hoping they all get a letter like this one day!

i am playing outside said...

this is fantastically disgusting LOL

Twisted Cinderella said...

Eeeewwwww!!! Very well written.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Hahahaha! That was priceless!

annechovie said...

What a riot....sadly, this letter could be sent out to a large portion of the population and not be off target in the least. Yuck! Thanks for your kind comment!!

Lily G. said...

haha, love this "gross" post!

Lisa said...

hahah, eww! Lovely letter, but is that photo actually from his place? Gross!

blueviolet said...

That is just too funny! I wonder if it will have an impact beyond the inevitable laugh!

lunardancer said...

That is a real side splitter. I bet my bathroom would do the same if I had left it unwashed and unscrubbed for months. Fortunately, with my peculiarity(I'm very oc), my tub or lav would never dare say so much as a word.

Days of Whine & Noses said...

LOL! That is disgusting!

Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

Girl, this was hilarious and disgusting, all in one. You're such a crack up.

Hit 40 said...

Classic!!! This is it!!! I am adding you to my actual bookmark bar of not to miss blogs. I am tired of being last to comment.

My husband also does not see the dirt. My older friend at work said that trick was just to out wait him. Then, he would clean....

NO!!! The toilets get black rings in them. He does not care. There is no out waiting him. He is not going to clean a damn thing.

la aventurista said...

That's hysterical! Dirty bathrooms are the worst...eww!

Dreamgirl said...

Friggin' hilarious!
I have seen a couple of these bathrooms and they are not a pretty sight! Usually they come with a bachelor...
Love the line about the gorilla.

You are such a good writer!

See you around!

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'm tellin' you honey, you have a gift. I was laughing so loudly, I'm sure the neighbours think something's up.

It really does sound absolutely foul, I don't know how you put a toe in the place.

xxxx

Her name was Lola said...

Help me shine! So classic. I love it.

Cheers.

Michelle said...

Oh the joys of living with a female roomie!

Our crapper is to die for!

cherie said...

eeeek! hahahaha!

Jill Pilgrim said...

Oh my God! Hilarious!

crunkyjens said...

Just wanted to say thank you for dropping by my blog! :) I hope you have a wonderful day!

Jen

Judy said...

That is a hysterical post. I'm still laughing.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Could your master bathroom talk to my husband's office and help it find its voice? All it ever does is whimper when John brings home more computer parts.

Dee said...

Gross is an understatement. I just hope they understand the can you pay someone to come? part.

Liam said...

Well you certainly know how to make your point.

Elizabeth Marie said...

hahahahaha kinda dying over here!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

"There is currently enough of your hair on the floor to knit a gorilla."

You crack me up! I hate public restrooms. Period!

Hugs!!
Word Verification is ROSES!!
They should put some in the bathroom

Impulsive Addict said...

You are quite entertaining my new friend! I'm excited to read more...
Thanks for stopping by my place today!

BTW...the sink made me gag!

Amanda said...

Fantastically written! Did you actually send it? And, what was the response? We need another installment!

Mama Kat said...

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...and I do it every time I enter our bathroom too.

Blech. Why do people have to poop?

Mama Kat said...

Where'd my comment go!?!

Awww man...now I forget what I said. I was here though!!

Mama Kat said...

Ohhhhh comment moderation....gotcha.

Midtown Girl said...

I am OCD about the bathroom!

This letter was hilarious - loved it!

XOXO

Anonymous said...

Clearly, either this young man's mom did not engrave on him the importance of the "clean appearing bathroom" concept or he was in a "rolling his eyes" phase during her effort. When my son went to college, and every time I have visited since, i have provided ample stock supporting the "quickie clean-up" system: disposable bathroom products that make it so easy to swoosh swoosh, wipe, wipe that only those legally blind and/or devoid of all self respect would be able to not keep their bathroom quasi-presentable. Or at least armed with the tools to be able to execute a tasmanian-devil-style 2 minute clean up, should unexpected guests arrive. I challenge that we may have at one time thought the guest bath passable and had a random knock at the door, dashed into this seldom visited but well-lit world and gasped in dismay at what we have found. I recommend his sis involves him in what is clearly needed here, a seriously professional cleaning effort, so he becomes aware that the results of neglect will take 10X more time and expensive products (can you say lime-away?) to get to a passable state. And then she should introduce him to the low-maintenance version of cleaning that even he may be gladly enlightened by. We forget that some guys have mom's that "protected" their son's from the bathroom cleaning experience and they actually fear it like young adults fear telling the waiter there is a curly black hair in their $15 martini, say nothing and don't drink it, if they weren't exposed to the easy process of addressing a challenge and taking care of it themselves. Not everyone may admit to it but I'll bet many have realized that the "do it yourself" method of keeping the lavatory disease-free is rewarding. Okay, maybe not as rewarding as executing the fine skill of telling the waiter about the pubic hair in such a gentle way that you convince him to not only bring you another but also a round for the table, but we have to start somewhere, right?

Alicia said...

lol...love it! i need to forward this to my husband's friends...those dirty bachelors!

Charlene said...

I happened across your blog from Mama Kat's and I have to say, this was a really great prompt. I love your line about the hair on the floor...I could just imagine it. Great stuff really!

Christina Lee said...

ick ick ick :(

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I'm not sure $30 is enough to tempt me to do that job. Maybe he could move to a place with two bathrooms - one for him to gorillafy, and one for guests.

With two males in this house we have a few issues with toilet cleanliness...someone should invent "penis training wheels" until they figure out how to aim that thing!

Unknown Mami said...

I have recurring nightmares about bathrooms like that and I'm always going into them barefoot. Yuck.

Congrats on being a muse.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I had no idea bathrooms could be so sensitive.

This has inspired my dishwasher to start a letter to my family. Because it sits there empty and alone while the rinsed and ready-to-load dishes just hang out on the counter right above it.

Life with Kaishon said...

This is so, so funny! I hope it responds. With action : )

Jill said...

hahahahahahahahahahah! funniest thing i've read all day!!

Sarah .aka. mamalotsoftots said...

hahah! Ohh my! :D SO funny.

HalfAsstic.com said...

I can only imagine how the rest of the place looks... No. No, I can't. And that's fine with me.

otherworldlyone said...

Men. 'nough said.

Cocaine Princess said...

There is currently enough of your hair on the floor to knit a gorilla.

Oh good grief that is image is burned in my head!

Love the 9 1/2 Weeks remark.