Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

It is safe to say I like to get my groove on. And I am open to a variety of musical beats. A little blues, a little classic rock, a little dance. And I am not afraid to get my country on now and then.

Back in the day, I may have spent some nights here and there at the biggest country bar in the SE so I could
shake my honkytonkbadonkadonk
wear skin tight jeans, halter top, and cowboy hat
dance on top of speakers
behave like a lady.

I had a friend that was a bouncer there...and well, that just makes it all the better.

And since I love to dance, some of those two-steppers can literally, sweep you off your feet.
Oh, those dancers, bring it here to JennyMac.

And on occasion what goes hand in hand with country bars is a whole lotta' drinking going on. Typically, I don't do anything to impede my moves, but here is what happens sometimes when you do shots at a country bar.

After kicking up my heels with glee, someone says we should ride the bull. Of course there is a mechanical bull in this harem of harlots.
Hmmmm. Doesn't that sound like a great idea? Of course it does, and bring us one more round.

Not savvy with the electronic rodeo stylings, I carefully observe those who dare go before me. The Bullmaster who is driving the speed of this thing is a mean old S.O.B. And the parade of clowns being dropped on their honky tonk badonkadonks left, right, and center made me both giggle and fearful.

Bullmaster was a bit nicer to the girls but I saw some gals do a faceplant, and its not pretty. And, oh, wouldn't you know it, a gratuitous breast popping out during certain face plants as well. I think the Bullmaster sought his targets carefully. Don't let the surprise show on your face.

So when my turn comes along, my most serious vow is not to get thrown off. So I grip in, and the Bullmaster is now saying gentlemanly things onto his microphone like "HOW FAST AND HARD DO YOU WANT IT". Altar boys need not apply for the Bullmaster job. As he speeds up, I shout SLOWER. He complies. SLOWER. He complies. And then he asks me to spank the Bull.

So, I comply if only to win his good graces and placate him enough that he refrains from kicking it up a notch thereby flinging my body to the filthy mats below. And after a short bit, my turn was over. And I managed to stay on that bucking bronco. I thought, WOW. I ROCKED THAT BULL. Step aside, whilst I fetch my BAD ASS belt buckle to wear the remainder of the night.

And then I saw a girl ride that bull with her feet up on the horns. I said, "Oh, I want to do that." Yes, alcohol + alcohol = great aspirations.

Now boarding first class! Oh, JennyMac, please feel free to stay seated in the terminal.

And then the strippers came. And quite a number of them. They also got on the bull. I think they did quite a bit more than spanking. They were wearing bikinis. And they were climbing on that thing like it was Dirk Diggler. WHEW, glad I was in the front of that line.

Later, I see Bullmaster at the bar. He asks if I am going to get back on the bull. Ummm, if you dip it in hydrochloric acid first.

He laughed. And said, "You'll be back."

And I thought I might. Until I saw the pictures my friends took. Here I thought I was quite a sultry little bullriding novice. I thought the pics would have captured my sassy flair and gleaming eye.

This is actually quite comparable to the actual look on my face in the photos.


There was no sultry flair. No gleaming eye. Just a date with the doctor since the photos captured a girl seriously about to lose her shat.

That's what I get for being sassy.

I went into semi-retirement of bull riding after that night.

80 comments:

Judearoo said...

HAHA! Excellent, funny as!

cherie said...

oh you are hilarious! i have often wondered if bull-riding was all that fun! i guess i want another opinion, lol! thanks for this post!

the walking man said...

sounds to me that for once I wouldn't mind being a mechanical old bull.

Sally-Sal said...

I love bull riding. And I have a few pictures of my friends trying it out. Good times.

Btw, you're bad ass for riding the bull. I'd expect nothing less from you. ;)

Dustjacket Attic said...

Too funny ... you said SEMI-retirement!!!
xxx

Nora Johnson said...

Thanks for the experience (second hand, as it were!) Guess I'll keep my feet firmly on the ground though...!

Wonderful post as always

xxxLOL LOLA:)

sas said...

you are my hero

darsden said...

woohoo giddy up cowgirl...fantastic

The Peach Tart said...

I rode the bull one time. It could have been in the same bar. It did involve massive quantities of alcohol. Let's just say I'm glad no friends were around with cameras.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Man, I have ALWAYS wanted to ride a mechanical bull. I'm admitting this because I'm not quite awake yet but it's true. It looks like the most fun a person can have while being terrified. Although I do know a girl who broke her hoo ha doing that. Yes, she broke her mary riding the mechanical bull. Bruised up her pubic bone. Did your eyes just water? MY eyes just watered.

Also, when I was around 17 I went to the Grand Ole Opry and got hit on by a guy of about my grandpa's age in full country regalia. Oh did I mention this wasn't the Grand Ole Opry in NASHVILLE? Oh no, this was back in Scotland. This was a tiny rip-off opry filled with geriatric stetson wearers drunk of their collective ass on whisky.

They ought to invest in a mechanical bull... I'd pay to see old Scotsmen fly through the air with a look of "I just filled my pants" on their faces.

I apologize for rambling, it's 6:40 in the morning. It's inhuman.

Lauren said...

I am pretty sure I have been to that bar! You know there is just something about country music and alcohol that demands a ride on the mechanical bull! I love the South!

Mr. Charleston said...

That bull riding thing is something everyone has to try... once. Could it be you were at Gilley's, where they have real bull riding?

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst said...

I too love me some good country music, although I have to say I have never been on a bull. I've ridden a horse bareback, that's gotta count for something, right?

Jenny
Words On Wendhurst

otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha. Spank the bull! "Bad piece of lethal machinery! Bad!"

I've always wanted to try that, but chances are I probably won't. I'm horribly clumsy anyway. I'd probably end up impaled on a horn.

I'll stick with the safer rides that only have two legs and move of their own free will.

Heavenly Housewife said...

LOL, that was to funny. Great visual at the bottom!!

G-Man said...

Jenny....Thank you for visiting my humble blog.

You have 337 followers and you've only been blogging 6 months?

You got it goin on girl.....Galen

The Cottage Cheese said...

Hahaha. Sounds like sitting on that bull was germier than sitting on a public toilet seat! I've always wanted to ride one, but I've never been anyplace that even had one (except Billy Bob's of Texas: the biggest Honkey Tonk in the world, though we were there for cheeseburgers and pool at lunch time and sadly no people or bull activity was going on at the time)

Jules said...

It's amazing what good ideas come to us with a little alcohol usage.

vanilla said...

Hilarity! Yee-haw. Well told tale.

Christina said...

This sounds oddly familiar... hmmm...

Stephanie Faris said...

Very courageous of you to try it in the first place. I'd never have that much courage!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Haha. Here's cheers to you!

Deboshree said...

Hahaha..that was hilarious!
Although I'm quite sure I wouldn't go for that myself.
Alcohol really makes you do all sorts of things.

Cheers
Deboshree

sheila said...

I SO wouldof tried it back in the day when I was frequently drunk and stupid. (I mean, young and fun).

I woulda worked that thang for sure.

Heather Sunseri said...

What a funny story, and I love the picture of the little girl at the end.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, Jenny. I'm looking forward to checking yours out. I already spotted the wine list a few posts down.

McVal said...

Ow! I have a delicate hiney and other things... I don't think I could ever get on one of those things unless it was turned off and I just had to climb over it because there was no other way around it.
Amazing! I've never met anyone that has actually ridden one before... Small town Iowa, that's me!

Slamdunk said...

At least there were no cats or rice krispy treats involved in your experience.

leggy said...

lol..ive never actually been on one..but ur really making me want to.

Little Ms J said...

My husband is a two steppin' fool. I only went with him once and I looked like an idiot, but he loves it so much he promised to teach me i our living room so I can be Sissy to his Bud.

Heaven help us.

ellen abbott said...

Now I've done lots of fun (stupid) stuff when I was young and stoned...er, intoxicated...but that one never called to me.

Shorty said...

As sexy as I can see myself being in my mind's eye while bull riding, my realistic side kicks in and says, honey... you are only dreaming. So, no bull riding for me, real or mechanical. Urban Cowboy is one of my all-time faves, however I'm no "Sissy."

Eclipsed said...

Great visual I got from this story. I've always wanted to ride a bull in a country bar. However, being from NYC there's not a whole lot of bull riding going on and the only cowboys I get to see is the naked one in Times Square. Le Sigh.

Badass Geek said...

You are a brave soul.

CatLadyLarew said...

I wonder... has anyone ever ridden the bull that HASN'T been doing shots?

New England Girl said...

HAH... too funny! I always somehow managed to avoid the mechanical bulls. Well, considering I've only been to one bar that had one, I've been in pretty safe waters. Which is good. Because I am exactly the person who would do something horrifically embarrassing and never live it down. :)

Live.Love.Eat said...

There's something I have never done. Ride a bull. The drinking leading to big aspirations I have down pat but bull riding, not so much.

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

I love this story! I love how country bars go the distance to make sure that when we have too many, we have an extra way to have fun (embarrass ourselves). I must admit I've wanted to try this, but I will (probably) never be that drunk (again).

Also, I completely agree that we always think we look so cute doing something and then when we see the pictures, the illusion is totally ruined (in my case: sitting in a duck blind in the freezing cold at 4:00am with my then-boyfriend - yeah, the pictures from that weren't pretty - and I would've died myself if a duck had).

foxy said...

Downright hilarious!

I have been there/done that/rode the crazy bull... at Gilley's sister bar, no less (Gilley's from Urban Cowboy, of course). I'm pretty sure I did NOT look like Debra Winger up there, however. That bull ain't pretty.

Hit 40 said...

I am glad that your friend had a photo to show you that you did not look like the strippers!! LOL I have never been to a bar with a bull to ride. Sounds Fun!

Mira is triplet crown said...

I loved dancing with country dancing men. They are so polite! And non country guys don't dance often. So what's not to love in a dancing man?

Never rode a bull tho. Got thrown off by a horse enough times. Don't need to replicate that experience. Thanks for reminding me though.

Bev said...

omigosh, you are hilarious! You have quite the way with words. Love the bull-riding story! You and I would get along juuuuuust fine, ladyfriend.

TheBeez said...

I've always been a bit intimidated by the mechanical bull, and your story helps support my theory. :) I'd rather take those coin operated dinosaurs outside the grocery store, please. I'm the "drink and a two step" girl you see most of the time, so when the bull shakes you off, stop by and see me sometime!

Laura [What I Like] said...

Oh that does sound familiar...I was just riding a rollercoaster the other day (horrendous experience I might add) and couldn't even pick out my face in the shots they took afterwards. I had mistaken myself for a man!

Above Average Joe said...

I give you credit. We have a club that has a mechanical bull. They pay the strippers to ride it to bring guys into the place. You can pay to ride it with the strippers too.

I'm not too sure if hydrochloric acid would be enough with the likes of these strippers though.

Deborah godin said...

What a laff-riot! And you answered my question: mechanical bull riding is exactly like the real thing in one important respect: observing is more fun than doing.

Lisa Anne said...

At least you rode the bull. I've always wanted to ride the bull but never had the chance. I'm jealous!! this reminds me of the time i sng kareokee on a cruise ship and I thought I was singing really great, little did I know an applause sign was being lit up in the background. The rest of the cruise I was that girl who sang crocodile rock on the first night!

Helen McGinn said...

*ROTFL*! I've always wanted to try one of those bull thangs but I'm too darn chicken. Maybe I'll rent one for my next birthday party....wanna come and show me how it's done? *LOL*

HalfAsstic.com said...

This is where your mother says, "But, honey, I'm so proud of you for trying!"... Yeah, maybe not. ;-)

Lisa and Laura said...

I fully subscribe to the theory that if you can't look good while doing something it should not be done. This philosophy should keep me out of things like kickboxing and cardio bootcamp, but I wouldn't look good doing anything if I didn't stick with those bad boys.

Kristina P. said...

The only country western place I have set foot into is Texas Roadhouse!

Simone said...

The funniest thing I have read for ages....well, that and the vegetable assassin's comments above!

Good on you for trying!

Intense Guy said...

I am glad you were "in the front of that line" too!

Looks like fun...one time only...

Now, before or after bungie cord jumping?

Jody Hedlund said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today! I appreciated your insightful comment!

JenJen said...

Faceplant!
Excellent post! I love the picture of the hair... I am cracking up! We all want to look like Ms Sexy Bass Ass from time to time, but I'm sure that where there's a camera, no sultry sexpots lurk.

Karyn - (French Charming) said...

I hate when I get to felling a little sassy, get's me in trouble every time!

I never had the nerve to get on mechanical bull, but I appreciate the blow by blow of your experience and I'm glad you went after the bikini clad! My stomach feels oh so yucky just thinking about what they left behind! GROSS!!!

a H.I.T. said...

First, cowboy hats off to you for attempting to ride that crazy machine.

Second, that is the funniest story. I was laughing my patooty off.

MissRedLips said...

LMAO! kudos for even getting on it in the first place! that takes courage!

and i myself also love to dance!

Hyphen Mama said...

It gives me a headache just remembering those crazy times! I, however, never rode the bull, and now I'm glad I didn't!

VE said...

Those photos are going to leak out when you become really famous...

Laoch of Chicago said...

It is a truly a sad thing that this was not immortalized through a camcorder.

Shop Girl* said...

I have never ridden a bull but I have ALWAYS wanted to! I think I could do without the strippers though.

Mandy said...

Good for you. Maybe in my younger days I would've tried it if I had access to one. Now it's an act of congress to get me on The Scrambler at the local state fair. Have you seen those @ssclowns that operate those things? Makes Joe Dirt look like a hottie. No thanks. Not enough bleach for that in the world! But double snaps to you - You're my hero!

kim-d said...

SEMI-retirement, huh? I think it's probably you and I did not know each other back then. Not that we do now, but you know what I mean!

After reading this post, Julie & Julia might be a little on the tame side for you--HA! I hope you like it; as you know, I loved it. I'll check back to see what you thought.

So glad you stopped by!

Lana said...

cameras shouldn't be allowed in the vicinity of a mechanical bull. the only thing evidence does for you is make you have to drink that much more to get on the bull the next time.

Simon said...

N–no. I think I’d have been the type to sit back and watch other people enjoy themselves. And the gratuitous breasts of course. Mustn’t forget those.

Vodka Logic said...

Sounds like fun. Not sure if my back could handle it xx

Kimberly said...

So funny! I love reading your blog! I will sooo be back! :) And hey, behvaing like a lady is so overrated anyway. Especially if mechanical bulls are involved.

Baloney said...

Holy COW that is funny. A girl has to have her limits. Say no to the bikini top. :)

hiking in stilettos said...

Hilarious story. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to get on the bull in front of a crowd!

Pink Links said...

Funny post! Bull riding is not my thing but your great humor is:)

Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

LOLOLOL...are sure sure you don't want to post those pictures??

Jenni Jiggety said...

CLASSIC! I have done the drunken karaoke...but never the bull riding! I am impressed!

Bex said...

thus ends any and all desire i had to ride a mechanical bull in my lifetime.

BUT i once had a tumor in my knee that had me walking with a cane until it healed from surgery. i told EVERYONE - i mean, even people at church - it was mechanical bull accident that rendered me injured. because who wants to hear about a boring old tumor?

i vicariously live through you in this post.

Bee and Rose said...

Fabulous story! I have yet to take on a mechanical bull..alcohol would definitely need to be involved! lol!

(dirk diggler...giggle giggle!)

UPrinting said...

Haha! Oh my! I can't imagine how you looked after that. Alcohol really does wonders, huh? :D
But you know, I think a lot of women want to try riding the mechanical bull, even just once.

Brandi said...

That is funny! I used to be so savvy as to ride a m. bull every time I went out when i was in college. At first I would get the boys to buy it for me, then eventually I just knew the bullmaster by name and he let me on for free...probably good entertainment for him...and I would be wasted and think I was also soo soo sexy. Ummm yeah right. :)

MommaYoung said...

That is so funny. I am still giggling. My kids are wondering what I am laughing at.

It stinks when we think we are looking saucy and well NOT..

Thank you for sharing.

Lisa said...

Funny story! Honestly, I have never even been on a mechanical bull...and now I don't think I ever want to now!

the southern hostess said...

Such a great one!

Transparent Mama said...

Never tried bull riding, but oh how I love a good lead on a two step or a waltz.