Friday, August 14, 2009

Potty Mouth

I have already given strong indication that bathroom humor is not my gig.

I am a behind-closed-doors type of gal. Johnny Mac is too. Some people want an open door ticker tape parade in their lav. Not me. Don't enter and certainly, don't stand outside the door and want to chitty chat.

You know when you start talking openly and frequently about all kinds of biological processes? When you become a parent. I could deduct that it would be a topic of conversation but how naive I was. The biological processes of your offspring will be a primary source of focus from day of birth until, oh, I will let you know.

We have had the opportunity to discuss diaper content on a daily basis for two plus years. Did he poop? When did he poop? What did it look like? Was it rabbit poop? Poop pancake? He hasn't pooped. What do we do to get him to poop?

At a family event last Christmas, little man was wearing a Santa outfit (and yes, that was ALL my idea.) Questioning whether a diaper change was needed, I did what every parent does. I picked him up and smelled his tush zone. The coast was clear but when I put him down, I noticed JohnnyMac's 16 year old sister AND her 18 year old boyfriend staring at me with a mixture of fright, horror and disgust.

I said to them, "Let that serve as birth control for both of you."

Poop talk is not quite as fun as it could be, but it is a parental requisite. And since we are just about done with the potty training process, now three of us get to talk about going potty, whats it like, what do we do with tissue, and where do the poops go?

Oh, and the first time our 2 year old went poop in the potty. OHBOY! Never before have you seen such a demonstration of joyful delight and jubilee. Who knew I would pull out some of my high school cheerleader moves over such an occurrence. But I did. More than once.

And that is all fine. But you know what hasn't changed? I still don't want to talk about poop. I will talk about poop when it comes to the little man, but Mommy still likes the door closed. If its not completely relevant to someone wearing diapers, its not a topic of conversation.

So to our neighbor, The Trapper, who told me about your diarrhea. Are you insane? Excuse me, I was just talking a stroll around the neighborhood and somehow ended up in the men's locker room. STOP THAT.

And special note: According to my BFF, MarciaGarcia, for someone who doesn't like to talk about poop, I am doing it. She did mention a warning would be nice. Hopefully you are not eating while you read this.

91 comments:

Christina Lee said...

hahaha yep it is a requirement-good one!

Gin said...

I get that. Potty talk around these parts only revolves around the kids. That's it. :-)

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wait till your parents get older...if you think you've escaped the 'poop' talk, you haven't.

Entire conversations evolve around when the the last bowel movement aka BM was - did I get enough fiber - what can I do to improve it -

Wait. It's worse because you have to LISTEN to this conversation.

I told my sister to shoot me if I became my mother.

Yankee Girl said...

Kids are the only reason poop should be talked about.

Well, animals too. I work with animals and I have had many conversations about poop with coworkers and patients. Describing the color is always the worst part. I could definitely do with fewer poop talks.

La Belle Mere UK said...

For some reason, whenever the girls and I get together, the conversation inevitably comes round to poo or toilet stuff. Don't ask me why??!! It just always does. Every. Time.

Nice.

Matthew said...

I'll see your child-smelling and raise you a talkative mother-in-law with a penchant for discussing movements of a loose nature whilst serving spaghetti.

It may not happen every time we sit down to eat, but it sure as hell feels like it.

Taylor said...

Children and TMI Thursdays are the only times poop should be discussed...

confused homemaker said...

Yes, more conversations now start & end in a day with talk of poop with the 4 kids in the house than either I or Hubby EVER talked about in the entire time before we had kids.

Dustjacket Attic said...

It's funny how it's so different with kids, anything is fair game.
xxx

Judearoo said...

Excellent 'this is your brain on drugs' highly visual safe sex lecture. They wont be forgetting in a hurry. :)

The Peach Tart said...

I agree with Little Miss Blogger. Just wait until your parents get a little older and start giving you the play by play of their bowel movements or lack thereof.

Kris said...

So funny... that birth control line was fab! I feel like that could be a scene in a film!

S Club Mama said...

You are too cute! I am not a closed-door kind of mommy when it comes to the bathroom; my 2-year-old will come in and sit with a book and "read" to me. LOL Sometimes I almost forget to close the door when we have visitors & inevitably when I do (because I do have decorum), Moose will come and knock on the door and "talk" to me through it. :)
I'm ready for some potty training; wish he was. :)

ModernMom said...

Hee hee. So true. You have to know poop is of the utmost importance when you pick your babe up from Daycare and they have written down how many Poops your baby's has taken in the course of a day!

ladytruth said...

The warning at the end? Don't worry about it! I should actually thank you for making me look at my piece of cake twice and then putting it down. I'm on a diet anyway!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I don't mind talking about poop ... but only the poop of those I love. :)

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst said...

My brother in law is obsessed with poop. He talks about it constantly, in great detail. They are expecting their first, and I can only imagine what percentage of their conversations will now revolve around poop now that there's a kid added to the mix! My poor sister in law! :-)

otherworldlyone said...

Oh I remember the "Thank gawd you're potty trained dance". It was a combination of the sprinkler and the humpty dance. Good times, good times.

Stephanie Faris said...

I will talk about poop but everyone laughs at me because I refuse to go number two at work...or anywhere in public. I must be in the safety of my home with no threat that anyone will be within so many feet of me!

Vodka Logic said...

you're no fun, what's a little poop talk amongst family and friends .... and the www.

xxx

Vodka Logic said...

ps your google ads are now about potty training. lol.

xx

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I am like you! Having had 4 kids, I've talked plenty of poop, but am still horrified to no end when an adult brings up their own. Ewwwww!

Badass Geek said...

Poop stories should be limited to those about people under the age of 10. Other than that, no. Just... no.

Mandy said...

If you can ride a mechanical bull, shirley you can leave the door open and talk about the size, color, consistency and all that stuff. What!? You don't turn around and look before you flush? You know you do, you just don't admit it!

Ahh, I guess you're just a classier lady than me, JennyMac. I wrote a whole post on poop stories awhile back but I guess you won't want to read it, would you? - http://mandy-lifeafter30.blogspot.com/2009/04/poop-stories-warning-these-may-gross.html

I talk about poop all the time. My family is an open book of shit. It's just what I grew up with. How everyone has been "going" or "not going" is the first topic of conversation at holidays and gatherings. And yes, I'm totally serious!

We all do it. Don't you just feel so much better (and lighter) when you're done? :-)

Have a great day!

cherie said...

i'd been wondering which parent was gonna bring that topic on, hahahaha....good job, dear..

Samsmama said...

Poop is a daily topic around here. Between my son, my husband, and my mother being bound up for 12 days and landing in the er...good times.

C'mon JennyMac! "Everyone Poops"! Read the book! ;)

leggy said...

ewwww..i was really eating..no joke...you should have put the warning on top.

A French Cloud said...

if you've lived on the west coast or been to a naturopath (and maybe the two of those go hand in hand) chances are you'll be talking about YOU and what you do (in regards to what goes on behind closed bathroom doors)

Cee said...

I think talking about kids poop or pets poop is totally acceptable within your own home but when adults talk about poop it freaks me out! Even close friends. My best friend got laid off and was really depressed and she told me it was making her poop almost every hour and I almost barfed/didn't know how to react.

I guess maybe now I am as bad as her for bringing it up here...

Intense Guy said...

You can learn a lot from poop.

Like if you have a bad memory and can't remember that you ate corn last night... or medically, if its a funny color like red or coal black. I'll not get into the consistancy or timing factors.

Back in the day, hunters looked for it to see if there were animals around. I've gotten quite expert on deer, horse, dog, and goose (EWW!) poop.

Boy, this topic just makes me "flush" with excitement.

Coco said...

Isn't that the truth.

I have my son sniff his sister's rear now to check for a dirty diaper.

And with a 4 year old, he talks about the goings on in the bathroom all the time. Nice.

Laila Of Course! said...

Ughh, I know what you mean about poop. SOmetimes I just don't NEED to know about THAT much. TMI!

But with kids, that's a-ok. hehe.
Be sure and pop by and leave a note!

-Laila
www.randomweavings.blogspot.com

EmFabulousFunshine said...

i can picture you pulling out your old cheerleading moves. this kind of talk is a fact of life, HOWEVER, the neighbor and his diarrhea need to get some immodium and keep it all on the hush hush

Mira is triplet crown said...

I'm afraid while I was pregnant poop talk escalated for me but I hopefully will return to normal when I stop procreating.

Old parents really will start telling you way more than you can believe they are telling you about that subject. And I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that i'm supposed to encourage the triplets to watch me go to the bathroom to aide potty training. i do not like people in the bathroom with me. Good lord.

Dutch donut girl said...

Bwhahaha... what was The Trapper thinking?!

I don't like to talk about poop either. But I live in a country where everybody loves to talk about their poop. And no, they are not wearing diapers. Yuck!

ellen abbott said...

Now you're just talking about. Once he starts school (and this will last way into middle school), it becomes the subject of humor. Hilarious humor to them.

jadedj said...

Wow...33 comments about poop. Amazing.

Happiest days of my married life. The day each of our daughters no longer required diapers.

Very funny post!

La La La Leah said...

I have already changed a poopie diaper today =( JOY Son is starting to become a little curious about the potty at our house, he turns 2 next month so this is a GOOD thing! I am not going to push it because he is STUBBORN! I set the potty out and I will probably buy the book Everybody poops........

As for dog poop I pay some kids to pick it up in our back yard... TRUE STORY.

Natalie said...

Was just about to tuck into a nice butternut squash soup. Ummm... not sure I'm going to anymore. Before reading this it looked like a culinary treat now it just looks like well, poop.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Nat

Lisa Anne said...

I am the same way. Door closed, don't talk to me, don't knock (I'm doing just fine). Leave me alone when I'm in the bathroom. The bathroom is my escape time.

My son's obsessed with his poop. I don't get it!

Grand Pooba said...

I never thought I'd be an open door, conversation pooper but me and my husband just don't care. We have no kids so our house is our privacy, who needs a door?

Erin said...

Ah yes, the joys of motherhood. Sometimes I wonder if the poop talk will ever end...

B.o.B. said...

Don't ever become a runner. It blow the parental poop talk out of the water. You have been warned.

Young Mom/Wife said...

oh so true! It is amazing how excited we parents can get over body functions...

Char said...

I feel the same way, I'm definitely a closed door girl. But my niece loves using the word poopy.

One Sassy Girl said...

As a vet, I received 4 years of training to talk about poop professionally. One professor actually put up a poster with pictures of poo in various stages with each labeled. This way we could all speak the same poop language. Is it cowpie, watery or formed? Needless to say, I skipped "studying" that poster.
All of that being said, I still cringe at the thought of smelling a butt for poo!!

Erin said...

You're right. I always knew I'd have to change poopey diapers, but I never knew until I had a kid how much time I'd have to spend monitoring their contents.

Cocaine Princess said...

"Let that serve as birth control for both of you."

That had me cracking up.

Anyone who talks to you about their diarrhea has to be insane.

Thank you for making me laugh with this hilarious post.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Poop is a very important part of our lives. It can tell you all about your health. What's missing in your diet, if you're getting enough roughage, fiber, iron, etc. etc. Since I can't blog about that 4 letter word that starts with a 'w', I'll just say that I hear about EVERYONE'S poop. And, most of the time I don't even flinch!
I pitty the people my older kids bring home to eat with us because it seems like everyone waits until we're eating to discuss their poop. The dog's poop, the bunny's poop, the turtle's poop......Ugh....
Maybe I should be a Poopologist!

Hugs!!

Kristina P. said...

I have read more blogs about kid's poop than I ever cared to.

Jen said...

Just comes with the job of being a mommy.

Dana-Lynn said...

I don't have kids, but I have a dog - that acts like a kid.

When I was growing up we always had indoor dogs and cats and there was no way I could empty the kitty litter/clean up an accident without gagging and/or vomiting.

Now that I have my own dog, cleaning up her messes doesn't bother me. I guess it has something to do with it being mine. I do it...but it's definitely not anything that I enjoy or would enjoy talking about!

P.S. My boyfriend has no problem leaving the door open when he pees or walking in on me when I am peeing. I think it is WEIRD. He'll be like brushing his teeth while I'm on the tinkling. Gross. If it ever gets to the point where he is doing that while he poops - there is going to be a MAJOR, MAJOR problem.

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

ah, the joys of poop and parenting! I always wonder if people think I'm crazy when I pick my kid up and smell his bum. So funny. I'm not private about this stuff, though.

Little Ms J said...

I never discuss size, viscosity or any of the details, but I did blog about a certain Poop Christmas. It is a must read, I am afraid. It may discuss a bodily function, but it truly is a love story.

http://msjwrites.blogspot.com/2009/02/poop-christmas-or-who-said-i-love-you.html

Kristen said...

haha this post was hilarious! I agree with the poop talk but somehow when it comes to kids it is alright. I love how you told them to let it serve as birth control, perfect!

Baloney said...

Sadly, there is a whole POOP tab on my blog. My youngest turns 6 soon and still has frequent accidents. We still have to think about and discussing his #2 habits on a daily (hourly?) basis.
At least you didn't include pictures!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh dear no. No one is invited into the pooper when I'm in there, that's nasty. If you need to go and I'm in there, you will WAIT YOUR TURN or poop in your pants, that's the rule. And you will flush. Oh my god yes, you will flush... :)

Miss M said...

I don't want to hear about ANYone's poo, yo! Wrong, wrong, wrong. No age too young... No poo stories here. Even baby poo. Poo is for the toilets and the windshields.

Jules said...

I love the, "Let that serve as birth control for both of you."

Awesome!

Cocotte said...

Too true.....I would have been mortified to talk about poop with my hubby before kids!

Lisa said...

hahah, kids are the exception, I suppose!

Hope you have a great weekend!

Mom in High Heels said...

Isn't it amazing how much you can talk about poop? And potty training! I swear to all that is holy, I wept, wept over this. I was positively devastated that I was a college educated woman and my whole life revolved around whether or not another human being went poop in the potty.
BTW, I refuse to go to the bathroom in front of another person. Dh and I have been married for 14 years and will NOT go to the bathroom in front of him. Gross!

Susan said...

I hear you, sister.

Jen said...

The same goes for dogs. The poop conversations happen continually.

Marcy said...

Was your old cheerleader move one of those famous high kicks???

And yes, please move your warnings up to the top next time. It does little good at the bottom, although i still appreciated it! And no, i wasn't eating this time, thank goodness.

~MarciaGarcia

Ela said...

Oh I'm definitely not into bathroom talk. I'd pretend I never went if possible. When it does come up, I like to substitute the word "poop" for "getting my nails done" or "getting a swedish massage" makes the conversation much more pleasant (at least in my head).

J.J. in L.A. said...

Haha! This was on my mind just the other day (not the poopy diaper thing, but the privacy issue). Someone told me that she and her hubby walk in on each other all the time while their "doing their bidness". She brushes her teeth while he's on the pot, etc.

I told her that I love being around my man but the LAST place I want to be is in the bathroom while he's squeezing one out. lol!

Inna said...

Talking about poop doesn't really bother me that much. I'd rather not know every detail but if I heard it I wouldn't want to gag or anything.
I do like to poop in privacy though. I guess things get more interesting with kids :)

The Blonde Duck said...

Everyone poops!

Judy said...

Cute Post!! I so remember those days. I like my privacy too and now that my kids are grown, no more poop talk or celebrations.

Jen said...

I used to think I could make a killing marketing a journal to new parents (maybe in the One Step Beyond catalogue - the one with the baby crash helmets?) anyway - it would be called 'Poop Moments' where you could write down all the poop stories you have about your kids. Because you have them (the stories) - lots of them. Especially if you have more than one child. Still think it's a great idea :)

Poop talk is ONLY acceptable about the younger set though, obviously, Mr. Neighbor.

Emily said...

Yep. I'm a no poop person too. It drives me crazy when my husband wants to tell me about the kids' poop. As if I'm not around it enough every freakin' day! Nothing made me happier than the other day when I asked my 5 year old where he was going and he said, "To use the restroom and I need privacy!" That's right, dude!

Nap Warden said...

It's scary how much I get where you are coming from. With two in the potty training mode, there are times when I think poop is the only conversation going:O

Hit 40 said...

Oh my gosh!!! I am on the back end again of the comments!! I will be #71. I with like bad company that will not go away!!

I don't think my hubby or I have ever done a #2 in front of each other. Kinda funny. It is the one private moment that we both take.

The Savage said...

ummm.... I got nothing....

Alexis AKA MOM said...

You crack me up! It's funny the things you will talk about after having kids!

But yup adult talk about poo is a little on the don't ask don't tell side ... LOL :)

Love the warning :)

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

"I said to them, 'Let that serve as birth control for both of you.'" -- now that is priceless.

Lee said...

Two comments...
a kid pooped in the pool on our vacation...DISGUSTING!
WORSE...my son pooped in his bathing suit because he couldn't make it to the potty on our vacation..had to put him in my sun dress that I wore to the pool...hope he isn't scarred for life!

My name is PJ. said...

When my kids were babies, I didn't go to the lav alone for almost 3 years!

the walking man said...

I suppose then this means you don't want to discuss poetry either because I always refer to it as shit, "My shit," "So and So's shit"


Which by the by sounds better to my ear than saying "I wrote some more poop today"

JenJen said...

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. You're spot on today.
Ladies don't talk about their own bathroom visits, or other adults' for that matter.
But
When it comes to children under the age of 10...poop talk is fodder for nearly every conversation. Food in my house is either "good for your poop" or "bad for your poop"
sigh.

Oz Girl said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, oh, over a month ago... yes, I am finally trying to get caught up and visit some new friends! :-0

So you went to law school at KU? Well, since I've just moved to KS in the last year, I am still getting to know this terrain and this very arid climate, at least in the summer. This Ohio gal is just not used to these 100+ temps! Ack!

In regards to the poo talk -- the old people love to talk poo. Every fricking time I call my 92 year old gramma in OH, she always, and I mean ALWAYS, manages to say something about her poo. It is a standing family joke that gramma loves talking about her poo.

So there. Parents may talk about their kid's poo, but it looks like we old age to look forward to, when poo becomes the standard conversation fare. Someone please put a bullet in me when I begin to derive pleasure from talking about my poo!!!!!

Unknown Mami said...

My mother feels the need to tell me about her poop all the time. I don't want to hear about it!!!

Yes I talk about my kids poop too, but that's different.

Eve said...

Oh JennyMac, I am sure all parents can agree to this. Too not only record your child's bowel movements with your husband but also the full staff at the nursery, is not something they tell you about when you sign up.

I too am a behind closed door kinda gal. I can not and will not ever let my husband see me sat on the loo (although I do believe when I was in labor I sat down for a pee without thinking and he was in there washing his hands... but I WAS in hour 10 of labor!! My mind was not straight)

I can't get it either when couples, go to the bathroom together. One brushes teeth, the other pees... Really? you couldn't wait?

I suppose I worry it will ruin the illusion I am a lady. Although I fear my husband has caught on already. :)

Youngblood4ever said...

After 4 kids, 3 already potty trained, I unfortunately start all conversations off with, "So, how is your poop today?"

Nah, but it does get discussed more than I would like, but such is the life of motherhood.

Oh, and smelling a diaper-zone is totally a mom thing. Great comeback! I'm gonna have to use that next time I get the "you are totally gross and disgusting" look from others.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh honey. I am the sole caretaker of an 87 year old lady. My MIL. She is an invalid and has to be put in and out of the wheelchair and bed and have help dressing and, wait for it, be deposited on a bedpan once a day for the ubiquitous poo. Let me just say that there is Miralax in her oatmeal every morning to accomplish this feat. You really don't want to know about the consistency of this byproduct.
There has been conversation going in an endless stream from the poop font in the front bedroom. Or living room or kitchen or dining room or where ever she rolls herself to. I cannot escape the poo. For some reason I feel that my readers should not be allowed to either. But, only on occasion, when it's choking out all other thought.
There is absolutely no need to apologize to me about anything you feel like saying. (Though it was a bit strange and refreshing.) I will be back.

Travis said...

Reason #17 why I don't have any of those kid thingies.

Thanks for cruising by my place!

LoveLladro said...

the husband and I were just commenting on how often we talk about poo... either from the kid or the dog! life changes with parenthood ; )

Just Playing Pretend said...

I frequently made fun of the parental need to discuss their child's bathroom behavior and patterns.

Then I got a puppy and found out that pets do the same thing.

Now I get made fun of.

June Freaking Cleaver said...

I'm with ya on the ban on potty talk. I think the following subjects should be added to the list:

Female monthly "visits"
Overly graphic labor/delivery info
The particulars of one's latest sexual conquest

I think I was born way too late.

Whimsical Creations said...

LMBO!