True Story. Names have been blurred to protect the not-quite-so innocent.
Man and Woman, about 30 years old at the time, have been dating for many months. They opt to go on a weekend getaway to Hilton Head, SC. Man and Woman spend one day at the beach during which a walk into the water turns amorous. Man and woman proceed to shoulder deep water in order to carry out their frolic.
Man and Woman's antics can not be noted from the beach or the lifeguards. Man and Woman appear only to be in a loving embrace while only eyes below the water level see their cavorting.
All is fine and good, if you think murky water is a great place to have an escapade.
Until, Woman says in a shrilly, and atypical voice, OHWAITAMINUTE. OHFORTHELOVEOFALLTHATISHOLY.
Man's response: Awwwww yeahhhhh
Woman: HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON
Man: Awwwwwwwww yeah baby
(Man is apparently Marky Mark circa 1991. However, it is no longer nor has it been for a long time, 1991).
Woman: NO WAIT HOLD ON WAIT. Woman is bucking like Tuff Hedeman.
Man: Awwww yeahhhhhhhhh baby.
Man's ego is inflated exponentially
Man: Is this the best you have ever had??????????
Woman: YOU HAVE TO STOP. SOMETHING IS ZAPPING ME.
Man: Awww yeah baby...THAT IS MY LOVE ZAPPING YOU.
Woman makes a horror stricken face. This horror stricken face is in part due to something unknown and partially due to the fact that a grown man just said that is my love zapping you. Continues horror stricken face and begins dislodging herself from around Man's hips.
Woman attempts to run to shore. Woman remembers running in water is not only impossible, it is very ugly to watch. Woman does not care. Woman is in severe pain.
Man is dumbstricken. Man stands alone in water as Woman attempts to flee but merely looks as if she is in slow motion. Woman gets on shore and runs to Life Guard stand. She points to the water and exclaims, "I WAS ATTACKED BY SOMETHING!!"
Red welts cover her legs. She wants 911. She wants EMT. She wants ambulance. She wants George Clooney from ER.
Life Guard asks her what attacked her. Woman, who has no idea, whispers shark?
LifeGuard laughs. LifeGuard hands woman a liquid remedy. A bottle likely filled with a combination of urine and topical ointment to spray on the affected areas. Woman is not one bit happy.
Man finally arrives on the beach. Man is deflated, literally and figuratively, because what he presumed was his sexual prowess was in fact the reaction to Woman being attacked by several jellyfish.
Man checks on Woman to ensure she is not having allergic reaction. And then asks, "But that was the best you ever had right?"
Woman sprays man with spray bottle filled with urine/ointment cocktail. And then stomps away.
Lesson 1: Yet another reason why water can work against you during a tryst.
Lesson 2: Jellyfish...not an aphrodisiac.