Thursday, October 22, 2009

Don't get out of bed

A couple of my girlfriends were over and whilst enjoying sips of vino and catching up, some stories were shared. One friend told a story how that morning, she crawled into bed and woke up her sleeping husband. She used the utmost ninja like care in an attempt not to wake him but failed. And he was Grumplesaurus Rex over it too. He lamented her for waking him up to which she responded with the most feasible apology she could muster considering it was after 4 am and she literally just worked over 18 hours in one day. We know her Hub and he is a true gem of a man alas, we did get a laugh out of her mocking him. She works hard. And late. Fairly often. She said the whole creeping into bed thing is a big deal in her house. Oh how we laughed.

Another friend told us that a few weeks before upon waking up with their little one to start the day, her Hub asked her if she knew how many times she had gotten up during the night. She, being a smashingly good wise ass at times, said, "Well, let me consult the clipboard that I keep next to my side of the bed." His point: if you didn't get up so much, you wouldn't wake me up.

Awwwwww...poor thing!

JohnnyMac happened to enter the room while story time was going on. He looked moderately apprehensive. Because he knows what is coming next.

I told him what Mt.St.Helen had said about her Hub. As we all laughed about the silliness of her Hub's statement. JohnnyMac said, "Uh oh" because either is it such huge coincidence that the three of us have Husbands who apparently highly dislike being woke up in the middle of the night, or this phenomenon goes on more than we know.

I drink a lot of water. A gallon or more a day. Sometimes this causes me to wake up before its even bright and early. JohnnyMac likes to ask me what time I got up. I laugh knowing he already knows exactly what time I got up. Why? Because I wake him up. Every time. He looks at the clock. Make a sour face. And goes back to sleep.

Mind you: I don't saunter to the bathroom with a 12 piece band in tow. Merely getting out of bed and padding across the carpet wakes him.

So going forward, on the occasions he would ask, I would make up a time like "noon" to which he would say, "It was 5:20 am" to which I would reply, "Oh...was it?"

And then I would laugh and his grumpy face would be forced to laugh too. (This only worked the first few times, I promise you.)

He one day said, "You know, if you stopped drinking water past say 7 pm, you wouldn't have to get up so early to go to the bathroom.

I said, "Where do I report for duty, Mussolini?"

I didn't realize that certain men were such dainty little sleepers but I surely laughed. Because do you know what lulls me to sleep every night? Not silence. Not darkness. A room lit up by a large television and SportsCenter highlights that my Hub simply must have as his own version of Valerian Root or he can't sleep. And I won't even go into further detail about what happens when you take the remote from a SLEEPING man's hand. Because you already know he bolts upright like Frankenstein with the I was watching that!!!

Somehow the noise from Chris Berman bellowing about the Patriots and the noise generated by my tiny toes on carpet don't equate.

Marriage: sometimes perfect for comic provisions.

79 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

Sports Center is incredibly important.

Sunshinemeg said...

Haha, I love that your man walked in in the middle of the girl chat. He had to know he was in trouble right then = )

Jules said...

You SHOULD dance to the bathroom with music sometime.... Yeah, I'm mean.

Hubby never says a word. But when I wake him up (if he's fallen asleep on the couch) to see if he wants to come upstairs, he is ONE EVIL BEING.... truly unlike his normal self.

My name is PJ. said...

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I can hardly wait until JohnnyMac becomes HeOfEnlargedProstate...and he has to toddle (blindly in the dark) to the Pottery every few hours all night long, 365 days a year.

Marriage: The hazing of formerly single women. :)

Tammy Howard said...

I used to get up every two hours like clockwork. The hubs never budged...

Platon said...

No witty and spry comment. Just a poor one. I just wanted to say that you have to be a writer! i like your style!

the walking man said...

There is never quiet around me that I can sleep through nor noise either. Sleep is sleep and if you need to go, you got to go, and I say go...because you will not be waking me when you do.

Couture Cookie said...

Exactly! Thank you, thank you. Me tiptoeing to the bathroom to pee at 3am is apparently "disturbing"... sports commentators screaming at a loud volume from the TV, the radio AND a podcast at the same time, are not...

What did I miss?

AmyK said...

I have posted on this type of thing too. When I get up in the middle of the night or if I come to bed later than my Sleeping Beauty, I am as stealth as a ninja getting into bed. He, on the other hand, flounces. The whole bed rocks rolls and bounces as he shakes the covers to get comfortable. He denies "Flouncing", but he does.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I think it is a world wide phenomena. I go to sleep every night with the lights on so hubby can read. If I turn on the lamp by my side to read he freaks out.

leigh said...

That's why my parents sleep in separate rooms. Oh...add a loud snoring man to the mix and it's a wonder any of us sleep at all.

Leigh

Lauren said...

Wow! I have never been so thankful that my husband sleeps like the dead!

The Peach Tart said...

Sounds like a fun girls night. I get up a couple of times a night to pee and Mr. Peach Tart never budges. However, he has to go to sleep in the bedroom with not ESPN but either the History or Military channels.

Shop Girl* said...

Ohhh I'm glad my Hubs doesn't wake up like this! I could launch myself into bed at 3am and he still wouldn't wake up.

The only thing that DOES wake him is when I, um, "gently pull" on the covers after he has rolled over and stolen them all in his sleep.

But I kinda do that on purpose. Steal my blankets? I'll steal your sleep. haha

JenJen said...

I love the "...I was watching that!!!"
Sounds like my house!

ladytruth said...

I pick up the dogs's water bowls every night at 8 cause during winter it's not pleasant waking up every five seconds to let them go out. Well, maybe not every FIVE seconds

LadyFi said...

Oh, those poor delicate men! ;-)

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Dad is a HUGE snorer and my mom banished him to the basement;)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

After nine years, I'm just used to my wife waking me up. It sucks and I don't like it one bit, but I've learned to accept it.

AnnQ said...

Oh, man....I go to sleep so much later than my boyfriend and get in and out of bed A LOT during that time, plus watch TV and work on the computer.

Thank goodness he's a much deeper sleeper than I am - I'd most certainly be the angry one getting woken up if it was the other way around. :-)

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I'm the light sleeper in our family. And I drink a TON of water just like you do throughout the day and hardly drink anything after 6p.m. and I still get up to pee two times per night. Yes, I know you wanted to know that about me. ;-) So tell your hubs that really he's just blessed to have the opportunity to wake up next to you several times a day! :-) Let me know what JohnnyMac thinks of that!

Slamdunk said...

Interesting topic--I am the loud one in the marriage who wakes others up. I was worried about it until I was told several years ago "your breathing too loud." I knew then that there is really nothing I can do except sleep in another room sometimes.

Yankee Girl said...

I drink an insane amount of water and usually get up at least twice in the night to pee, but I never wake my husband because he is such a deep sleeper. I actually wish it would wake him up because he is constantly waking me up with his arm wacking me across the face, or his leg jabbing me in the side. He doesn't even wake up when I purposely beat him back!

Heather said...

My husband is the one that is up 2 or 3 times a night! Wakes me up every time, except the advantage for me is when the little one wakes it's always his turn. "You're up anyway...," I say as I'm rolling over falling back asleep.

Not such a bad trade. ;)

Charisse and Holly said...

I bet these husbands never heard the baby cry in the middle of the night...Hmmmm. Have a great day. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Kimi said...

My hubs is a terrible sleeper. I would not wake up during a Hurricane, unless the baby whimpers and then bam I'm wide awake.

McVal said...

My husband snores when he has a cold. And he HATES being woken up to ask if he'll turn on his side. Seriously - it stops the snoring! But then he's grumpy.
So I squirm around and toss and turn until in his sleep he finally gets fed up with it and turns over.
If it doesn't work, then I've gotten used to sleeping with a pillow over my head...

Emily said...

I'm so laughing at this b/c we have the reverse in our house. My hubs cannot make it through the night w/o getting up to pee. It drives me crazy...he needs meds or something! :P

erin said...

Jeremiah huffs and puffs when I get up in the middle of the night...even when I'm going to check on a child who's calling for me.

He'll either say, "What the heck Erin." or "What did they want NOW Erin." But it's like the only time he ever uses my name.

Last night he fell asleep on the couch and came to bed around 2a.m. I started moving my pillow all around and huffing and puffing. "What the heck Jeremiah."

He didn't find it amusing.

Young Mom/Wife said...

Man, my husband is the one who passes out like a dead person when he sleeps. He wakes me up with his constant peeing at night. I have told him that maybe he should go talk to his doctor about his over active bladder....he doesn't find that humorous.

Mommy Lisa said...

I am the one with the tv need - but I use a sleep timer. The hubs THROWS every cover on top of me and then accuses me of stealing all the covers. - Ummm, honey they are FOLDED OVER TOP OF ME? I do not think I reached over the edge and pulled them over in my sleep.

Badass Geek said...

I guess I'm an oddity. I don't wake up when my wife gets up.

No complaints here.

Too Many Hats said...

I try really hard not to get out of bed in the middle of the night not because it wakes my dh, but because of what comes next. He figures we're both awake so why not...if you know what I mean. Not that I mind ..., but when all I wanted to do was go pee at 3:20am, I'm really just not in the mood.

Angie S said...

HA! That comment about not drinking water after 7pm cracks me up.

We do that with our 4 year old so she doesn't tee in bed.

Mrs Montoya said...

Perfect for comic provisions indeed. I am lulled to sleep by SportsCenter, too but there is NO threat of him waking up for any reason at 5:20 AM. Just ask the hungry kids we're raising!!

Kelly said...

I, too, used to creep into bed at 2 or 3 am thanks to the work and the not being able to finish work during the day. And my husband likes to throw his head up like a turtle popping out of water, make a sour face, and then flop around trying to get comfortable again. He never remembers it in the morning, though, so I now am careless and inconsiderate and just hop in without a care. Why not? He won't remember that he aggravated me too. :)

Erin M. said...

I get up to pee several times a night as well...and my husband gets sooo irritated w/ me. Nevermind the fact that he snores like a lawnmower on crack and I constantly have to seek refuge in the guest room. It's an eye for an eye, I say.

jeannie said...

haha, my guy obsesses over sportscenter too. DUH-NA-NAH DUH-NA-NAH!

Cee said...

Why are men such babies about sleep? If my boyfriend wants to keep reading at night I just close my eyes and go to sleep. If I try and leave the lamp on for like a minute after he decides he wants to go to sleep he starts whining and tells me to go in the living room if I want to read! So annoying!

Kristina P. said...

It's WWE wrestling at our place.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

So glad my hubs is a sound sleeper - I get up twice a night usually from all the water I drink.

i am playing outside said...

I'm the best person anyone could ever share a bed with. I sleep through everything that isn't my own personal alarm clock.

Text messages beeping on the phone beside my head? Sleep. Cat rubbing up against my face? Sleep. I once even napped through a loud fire alarm... and the alarm was positioned right outside the bedroom door.

Kr√ęg said...

I only really minded if my ex-wife woke me up when I was having a really cool dream.

I was also once punched awake by my ex-wife, who was angry at me because I pissed her off in one of her dreams.

Quest said...

this has got to be the most vivid futuristic (because je suis singleton) visual image about marriage life i got in a long time. Yep.

hotpants™ said...

I'm the light sleeper in the family. My husband falls asleep in seconds and could sleep through a tornado.

carma said...

Oh, he's just beggin' for the 12 piece band :D

Nonflammable said...

Is your husband a twin separated at birth?

The sports center highlights to lull sleep and getting irritated if you try to remove the remote control from his hand are innate characteristics of someone else I know. He was adopted.

Nezzy said...

If ya did a backflip out of bed cheering on the Patriots as you bounced and shook your pom-poms....hummm...maybe that wouldn't disturb him, nope not one bit!

Have a terrific day!!!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

My dad likes to do crossword puzzles at night, so of course has to leave the light on, much to my mom's irritation. She says that he'll be sound asleep, mouth open, pen fallen to the floor, and she'll turn the light off and he sits up and asks her why she turned the light off because he's trying to do his crossword!

linlah said...

Snoring is the wake up issue in our house and I'm not talking about his snoring.

Lola Lakely said...

"And I won't even go into further detail about what happens when you take the remote from a SLEEPING man's hand. Because you already know he bolts upright like Frankenstein with the I was watching that!!!"- Awesome because it's so friggen true!

Postman said...

There are some men out there who are breaching etiquette, I see. Man Rule #51 - you drop off to sleep, and the remote's up for grabs. Tell your husband that the next time he does the Frankenstein thing.

That One Mom said...

Who doesn't want to listen to Chros Berman go on and on about the greatness of the Patriots is the real question here... LOL!

Seriously, what's with the light sleepers? I used to try to wake my ex (Iowa) up when I'd get home from work for a little play time and the man slept like a ROCK!!!

Pricilla said...

Just wait until JohnnyMac is in his 50ies like the male person. Then you can count how many times HE is getting up at night to go to the bathroom. heh heh

Payback's a bitch

M-Cat said...

How sad is it that when I am traveling for work, I sometimes turn on sportcenter in order to stave off the homesickness?

Sad, sad thing....

Vodka Logic said...

Oh to live their lives. I never get to sleep ever..

play a band and my husband wont wake up. Stranded by the side of the road with a flat tire and call over and over.. nope sleeps thru it..he says that is why you have AAA I say that is why I have a husband.. grrr

Grand Pooba said...

Okay, you need to have the remote on your nightstand so you can turn on sports center every time you go to the bathroom!

blueviolet said...

My husband wouldn't notice if I brought the toilet into the room, sat it on his head and then pooped.

VE said...

You know what...you could put that 12 piece band under the covers next to me with Rosanne screaching the Star Spangled Banner while playing Rock Band and I probably wouldn't hear it. I sleep like a baby...

DeNae said...

How bizarre is it that for 10 years the sound of a crying baby in the bassinet at the foot of our bed could not rouse my husband, but my midnight trips to the loo wake him up so completely that, according to him, he simply never got back to sleep again. Nope. Was awake for five solid hours after that. Way to go, you rotten, piddling wife.

Leah Rubin said...

Yeah, and the snoring (loud enough to rattle the windows) isn't a problem for us, right?

SO totally true, all of this!

Loved it! (Live it...)

Amanda said...

Incredibly astute and accurate, my dear! But, hey, if your hubby's continue to complain, you could tell them to look on the bright side: They are not married to Marines. It is not an unusual occurrence for me to have to get up for work at 03:30. And when you have my job, and sleep my hours, lets just say being quiet in the morning is not the highest thing on the priorities list. Lol. But I do fall asleep listening to Hubby's George Lopez fix every night.

Our humorous tension is often my insistence that the whole family go to bed in time for me to get at east 4 hours of sleep . . .

Kelly H-Y said...

The line 'saunter to the bathroom with a 12-piece band in tow' cracked me up! Hilarious! Thankfully, my hubby sleeps through all my nightly ups and downs!

Eva Gallant said...

The whole tv sports and remote is exactly what goes on in my house. He'll be snoring and I shut off the TV and he says, "I was watching that!" So now I just answer him in a voice that sounds like HE woke ME up and say "Watching what? I shut off the TV at least an hour ago." Then he feels really stupid, says "Oh" and goes back to sleep!

kys said...

My Hub sleeps on the couch most nights.

Which is fine untill those times when he wakes up at 4 am to come to bed and then I can't go back to sleep.

Or the nights he goes to bed before I do and I can't sleep because I'm so accustomed to being alone.

I'm a little bit of a fussy sleeper.

jules said...

We often fall asleep on the couch and when I wake mine to go to bed he ALWAYS says he's watching whatever was on, regardless of the fact he was snoring. Boys!

Tarable said...

It is the EXACT opposite in our house. He sleeps like the dead, and when he simply rolls over or sneezes, I get all huffy and pissy because he's now woken me up and I won't get back to sleep for a good half hour.

Janet said...

Well, I sleep alone (most nights) and this might be a good thing after reading these stories! I wake up a lot (and get up to pee) too.

MissBliss said...

oh, man, don't get out of bed unless you are the current event story that TOTALLY reminded me of your sense of humor and something you would appreciate...

the stepdad coming home and finding the boyfriend and girl in the act, and shooting him... he survived, but his whole body "went stiff"... after your oscar mayer truck post, figured you'd get a real kick out of that story!!! sure you could do a great post with that one... ;)

Baloney said...

My husband is a light sleeper and I can sleep through just about anything. Always hacks me off when a kiddo wakes up and he nudges me to go get him. I mean, really -- wasn't he already awake?!

Simone said...

This must be the best blog in the world....your comments are just hilarious!!!

"I said, "Where do I report for duty, Mussolini?"".......for some reason this really made me laugh!

Love it!

Hit 40 said...

My husband sleeps though everything. Plus, he can go right back to sleep. But....

he steals my covers!!!! And...

I sleep totally naked. I HATE waking up in the winter with no blanket buck naked!!!

.... You need a commenter of the day. I THINK THIS ONE WOULD HAVE WON!!!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

My husband thinks I should go to bed (or already be in bed) when he turns in.

After about 10 minutes of frenzied fidgeting on my side of the bed, he sighs - which is my clue get up and to spend several more hours in a vertical position.

Asking me to go to bed and lie there and be still when I am not sleepy is akin to Chinese water torture to me.

I must have been a helluva baby.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh boy men! now if that isn't an oxymoron all together! Boy oh boy my husb sometimes takes the cake for that award!

Nat said...

Hi Jenny, this is really funny ! In my case...my husband cannot be even jolted a wake. I once tried a small experiment, I let the baby cry it out a bit to see if he would respond... he sleapt sound a sleep right through it. I on the other hand, wake up to see why the baby did not wake up ! I came to terms with the fact that sleep and I are no longer friends... :)

Vivienne said...

And that is why I do not allow a TV in our bedroom.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

We had a "waking" problem too, so we got one of those tempurpedic (sp?) mattresses -- you know, the one where the woman jumps up and down on one side while a glass full of red wine remains undisturbed on the other side.

The mattress did NOT solve the problem. I could vaporize myself before I climbed out of bed and it would still wake him up. I could get out of bed in another room and it would still wake him up.

Heather said...

This is why seperate rooms are must for me and hubby. I did a post simular a few days back, Sleeping Habits of Hubby. Though not nearly as good ar as funny as yours.

Candice said...

I'm so the man in these stories! I fall asleep watching E! Entertainment, much to hubby's dismay. AND if he wakes me up accidentally while getting up for work, I don't get mad, but am surprised and ask, "It's dark out, waht are you doing up?" Hub- "Umm, getting ready for work." Me- "Wow, bummer." *roll over, back to sleep* I guess being a stay at home mom does have some perks!!