Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Don't go in the water....

True Story. Names have been blurred to protect the not-quite-so innocent.

Man and Woman, about 30 years old at the time, have been dating for many months. They opt to go on a weekend getaway to Hilton Head, SC. Man and Woman spend one day at the beach during which a walk into the water turns amorous. Man and woman proceed to shoulder deep water in order to carry out their frolic.

Man and Woman's antics can not be noted from the beach or the lifeguards. Man and Woman appear only to be in a loving embrace while only eyes below the water level see their cavorting.
All is fine and good, if you think murky water is a great place to have an escapade.

Until, Woman says in a shrilly, and atypical voice, OHWAITAMINUTE. OHFORTHELOVEOFALLTHATISHOLY.

Man's response: Awwwww yeahhhhh

Woman: HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON

Man: Awwwwwwwww yeah baby
(Man is apparently Marky Mark circa 1991. However, it is no longer nor has it been for a long time, 1991).

Woman: NO WAIT HOLD ON WAIT. Woman is bucking like Tuff Hedeman.

Man: Awwww yeahhhhhhhhh baby.

Man's ego is inflated exponentially

Man: Is this the best you have ever had??????????

Woman: YOU HAVE TO STOP. SOMETHING IS ZAPPING ME.

Man: Awww yeah baby...THAT IS MY LOVE ZAPPING YOU.

Woman makes a horror stricken face. This horror stricken face is in part due to something unknown and partially due to the fact that a grown man just said that is my love zapping you. Continues horror stricken face and begins dislodging herself from around Man's hips.

Woman attempts to run to shore. Woman remembers running in water is not only impossible, it is very ugly to watch. Woman does not care. Woman is in severe pain.

Man is dumbstricken. Man stands alone in water as Woman attempts to flee but merely looks as if she is in slow motion. Woman gets on shore and runs to Life Guard stand. She points to the water and exclaims, "I WAS ATTACKED BY SOMETHING!!"

Red welts cover her legs. She wants 911. She wants EMT. She wants ambulance. She wants George Clooney from ER.

Life Guard asks her what attacked her. Woman, who has no idea, whispers shark?

LifeGuard laughs. LifeGuard hands woman a liquid remedy. A bottle likely filled with a combination of urine and topical ointment to spray on the affected areas. Woman is not one bit happy.

Man finally arrives on the beach. Man is deflated, literally and figuratively, because what he presumed was his sexual prowess was in fact the reaction to Woman being attacked by several jellyfish.

Man checks on Woman to ensure she is not having allergic reaction. And then asks, "But that was the best you ever had right?"

Woman sprays man with spray bottle filled with urine/ointment cocktail. And then stomps away.

Lesson 1: Yet another reason why water can work against you during a tryst.

Lesson 2: Jellyfish...not an aphrodisiac.

120 comments:

Simone said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliantly funny story.....I just had to go shut my kitchen windows so that my shrieks of laughter wouldn't scare passers-by!!!!

Am going to be giggling about this all day!!!!

Thank you JennyMac :)

Judearoo said...

Jellyfish lovin - OUCH! :)

the walking man said...

Oh the times and places we try to perfect our romance is oft just another opportunity for fate to play another joke on us.

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Eek, sounds painful. Nice blogging.

Jules said...

I always found that SAND was an issue with the whole beach love thing....but WOW....Yikes!!!

Vodka Logic said...

Sorry to hear about what happened to you and the MrMac... or am I assuming to much...either way it was funny.

leigh said...

That is a great story. Are you okay? :)

XO
Leigh

My name is PJ. said...

Woman will never cavort in ocean again, because OH MAN!!!

Six o'clock news? David Letterman?
Either way, it was funny as heck! And they wonder why they call men like that d**ks!

Buckeroomama said...

TOO funny! I was picturing how the entire episode unfolded as I read... thanks for the laugh. :)

judi said...

OMG! i have goose bumps just thinking about it. It would have been sweet justice if the man got stung too.

Little Ms Blogger said...

That's why water escapades should always be in pools....

Open water is the beach or on a boat.

No one needs an extra visitor when getting it on.

Tammy Howard said...

Non-traditional locations always sound like more fun than they actually are...

Lunhatikk said...

LOL! Great read, had me glued and giggling.

JennyMac said...

LOL friends...the names have been blurred to protect the barely innocent right? ..haha...I will never tell who the real main characters of this story are....

Matthew said...

We get Bluebottle jellyfish on our local beach at certain times of the year. I'm get to get attacked by one, but I'm pretty certain I won't be feelin' frisky when it eventually strikes.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LOL! At least the stings were only on her legs...

AF said...

Hahaha. Some guys just don't get it, do they? How are the stings now by the way - OK? hehehe...

Sami said...

Oh my god. This story. Is absolutely amazing. Thank you for brightening my morning! Those naughty, naughty folks. ;)

My boyfriend got stung by a jellyfish when he was 8 and he still has really faint scars on his chest. Nasty lil' buggers!!

susan said...

Ahh men and their egos :0)! The shame of being "outdone" by a jellyfish! Hint: for next murky tryst, carry meat tenderizer--use wherever needed :)

A Year on the Grill said...

Here's another true story...

Not gonna say where or how to find it, but there is a youtube video my "friend" posted of me cavorting in the ocean with a friend. Being shoulder deep does not hide what you are doing.

leigh said...

There is an award waiting for you over at my bliggidy blog. Come on over and get it!

XO
Leigh

Lisa said...

Holy heck that's hilarious! Only a man!

Cee said...

hahahaha! awesome!

otherworldlyone said...

That was effing hilarious! I've been stung by jellyfish and it sucks, but that's just a whole other level of pain right there. That line. UGH.

P.S. - How are your legs now, love?

Geez Louise♥ said...

Man, Im glad Woman splashed the urine concoction in his face, indeed you deserved it. haha.

Have a GREAT Day JennyMac

Suburban Princess said...

YIKES!!!!

Liz in Virginia said...

Oh, good grief -- this is the funniest thing. "But still -- that was the best you've ever had, right?" Classic!

Love your blog!
Liz @ twenty-firstcenturyhousewife.blogspot.com

Belle said...

Awwwwwwww yeah, this is hiiiiilarious.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Ewwww....Love Zapped???
:)

AmyK said...

"My love is zapping you". Really? Men! I've seen stung by jellyfish. That is very painful. Wonder why it didn't get him too? And not "Are you OK?" No, not the question he was wondering about.

Emily said...

you seems to know all the details of this... ;)

MommaKiss said...

We saw jelly fish on our girl's only weekend. This past weekend. That I'm clearly in denial about leaving...

ModernMom said...

LOL One more reason to rent a good hotel room!

Scrappy Girl said...

Yikes! Oh that male ego.

Badass Geek said...

Wait. So you're saying that telling one's bedmate that "That's my love zapping you" is not a good thing to say?

It all makes sense now.

Michael Rivers said...

That is such a fear of mine! To be stung by a jelly fish. (Not to use the phrase "That is my love zapping you.")

Baloney said...

I already have a shark paranoia. I think Doc's hopes of anything beachy just went away. :)

The Caped Tirader said...

Hahahahaha! At least he asked if she was ok before checking to see how he erformed...funny stuff! "that is my love zapping you" = brilliant

Lisa Anne said...

Maybe you should have watched Spongebob and learned about the jellyfish. LOL After watching that show, granted its a cartoon I'm staying far away from jellyfish. lol

LiLu said...

OMG. I already was scared of the ocean...

LadyFi said...

OMG - poor woman - on many accounts. Although perhaps being with a man with such corny lines hurts more than the jellyfish stings...

Jenno said...

Haha, cute story. :) I've never been anywhere near an actual ocean, never mind a body of salt water... but I sincerely hope to never find myself in this predicament!

Great blog, I'll be returning frequently!

Jenno
http://lajenno.blogspot.com

Too Many Hats said...

Eek! But, oh so funny when it happens to others.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Now let me just say that is just like a man to allow a woman to be in pain and continue on with his "LOVE ZAPPING" LOL.

Funny Funny story and I am sorry that this has happened to you!!! ;)

secret agent woman said...

I was in my office and laughed so hard it embarrassed me.

But probably not as embarrassed as you were trying to eplain those welts.

Kelly @ The Miller Mix said...

Only a man would hear a painful "HOLD ON!!!" and a glorious "OH TAKE ME LOVE ZAPPER!!!"

Kelly Deneen said...

OMG! That is awful but hilarious!!! Men. ha!

Deborah Godin said...

Hilarious! Of course, that could never happen in the waters around here (Canada). Because there are no jellies. And the water is too bluddy cold.

Char said...

yes, they hurt very bad

Kr√ęg said...

I'm gonna have to try that "love zapping you" line.

Barbaloot said...

LOVE the reference to Tuff Hedeman. Very obscure and very well done! :)

I was stung by a jelly fish once---not cool. I think I will not try having sex in the ocean.

sheila said...

Those jellyfish are nasty little buggers. I hope the place she got zapped wasn't the 'nether regions'. Ughh. lol

CatLadyLarew said...

Ooh, yeah... zap me with some of that lovin'!
(But hold the jellyfish!)

Lissaloo said...

lol, that is too funny :)

Chic Mama said...

Ouch! And hehe....poor you?? ;0)

Lucia said...

one must look before they leap in all things!

Couture Carrie said...

That is hysterical, darling!

xoxox,
CC

Martha said...

Ha, ha, funny story, well not for the couple, but thanks for sharing! Thank you also for stopping by my blog.

Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

OMG I was laughing so hard my husband came in from the other room! LOL

Mrs Montoya said...

Your anonymous friends had a hotel room in Hilton Head, right? I'm just saying. As always, thanks the for the laugh and the disturbing visual. That should get me through a meeting or two today!!!

JaelCustomDesigns said...

OMG! That's hysterical!

jules said...

Ha ha ha. Fantastic story! ....I wonder whos job it is to produce pee for the jelly spray...?

conquer The Monkey said...

I HATE jelly fish!!!! water trysts, especially where any wild thing could bite you in the ass or other places, are off my list (unless maybe a clean hot tub of which I know who has and hasn't been there!)

Great story!

Jen said...

This was an awesome story. And one I am going to tell my hubby if he ever gets frisky in the water.

Jillian Livingston said...

How many times has that happened to you?

It is not too far from an actual happening with me only the jellyfish was a taser gun and the ocean was a car....really!

Thanks for visiting my site. Glad to find that my reality is not my own.

linlah said...

Tuff Hedeman, funny and obscure.

Pricilla said...

and the guy's IQ equaled his erm, little self?

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

Hahaha! This story just totally turned my day around (and I was having a great one, let me tell you).

Hilarious (now) - though I've heard jellyfish stings are outrageously painful and hope never to experience one.

Suburban Hooker said...

UGH...stung by gelatinous blobs roughly referred to as fish while being love zapped by an over confident suitor while hiding in plain sight, shoulder deep in the ocean. Could it be any more horrible?? I guess if he was on your hair or something, maybe.

I was laughing so hard until I got to the corn ball love zapping line, then I kinda threw up a little.

Good thing you got that bottle of pee spray!

foxy said...

Yes, of course honey, that was the best I've ever had whilst being attacked by jellyfish. YES.

carma said...

So was the weather nice when you were in Hilton Head ;-)

Samsmama said...

I cracked up at the whisper of "shark". Too funny!

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Er, um, her!

McVal said...

LOL! Was this where Frank Zappa got his name?
Shark?!...

Tiffany and the Munchkins said...

OMG, too funny. My coworkers are all wondering why in the world I am laughing so hard.

FunnyGal KAT said...

"That's my love zapping you." Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Please tell me you didn't marry the man (or, um, "The Woman" didn't marry him!)

Intense Guy said...

Goodness. That guy's ego needed a deflating me thinks...

Urine does work on Jelly Fish stings... been there and umm.. well, not too proud to admit it, done that.

Simply Mel said...

Thanks for the Love Zapping Warning!

J.J. in L.A. said...

This just confirms what I've known all along...men are clueless.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

One thing is for sure....she'll never forget it! And now after reading about her story; we'll all be safe from zapping. Yikes!

Hugs!!

la aventurista said...

Ahhhhhh how awful!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

one, i loved that the word "zapped" was used

two, I am the east coast's best expert on jellyfish, box jellyfish and irukandji (ok i just watch a lot of discovery channel)

but jellyfish do NOT F around. Similar to zombies. If you see one, get the F out and don't think twice.

xoxo
good story.

rxBambi said...

Saw your icon over at little ms blogger so I had to come and see. Oh my GOd that was the funniest thing I've read in a while! I will definitely be back. Thanks for the great laugh!

Anti-Supermom said...

Typical man, but obviously the best you ever had...

you married him, right?
;)

Lady Di said...

So, jellyfish does not equal randiness huh, who knew? Well, I guess I'll scratch that off the list of potential libido lifters. Love zapped....yep, I totally would have sprayed urine cocktail on the person whose lips let those words escape.

kyslp said...

Did you get your suit back on before you ran to shore?

It might not be the best you ever had, but it was the most memorable, right?

JennyMac said...

hahaha...a lady never tells true identity of such subject matter however, I assure one and all that JohnnyMac would NEVER in 100 years say "awwwwww yeahhhhh" or inquire "is that the best you ever had"

:)

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

That's my love zapping you...hee hee.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my god I hope the "woman" never talked to that low life "man" again!

Charisse and Holly said...

Murky water sex...aaaargh! So gross...I just love it! Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Constructive Attitude said...

um wow. that guy is so stupid. and yeah, what the hell were they thinking.

Dan. said...

I might get I t-shirt made up saying MY LOVE IS ZAPPING YOU.

Luna said...

ouch! typical of a guy to continue when she says to stop.

Not The Rockefellers said...

it wasn't penis but a jellyfish...
c'mon say it fast...
did you get it?

spread that on a cracker :)

Peace - Rene

blueviolet said...

That is my love zapping you? Douse the douche in urine for that line.

Rebecca Knight said...

This may be one of the best things I've ever read :D. You really can't make this stuff up...

Kathryn said...

Oh, hysterical. I'd guessed the jellyfish part, but couldn't help but wonder....did she and the guy leave the water bottomless??

(I'm sure someone thought of this before me, but w/91 comments, I mean...really. You are one popular blog!!)

Great read!
Thanks for the comment at my place!

Hit 40 said...

I got some good mosquito bites in some odd places from having sex in the woods.

Jenny said...

LOL!

I'm LMAO at this comment above:

No one needs an extra visitor when getting it on.

Too funny!

Name: Holly Bowne said...

Ha, ha, ha! Great stuff! That story has all the makings of a sitcom episode!

Samantha said...

I have nothing to say but...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Pop and Ice said...

What a hoot! In fact I laughed so much, my hubby wanted to know what was so funny. But teenage daughter is here and *squeamish* about sex talk, so I'll just send along your link....

The Savage said...

Now could you imagine seafood phone sex?

Paige said...

Laughing out loud! Just stopping by from SITS. You have a great blog!

Controlling My Chaos said...

Hee hee. So, this happened to YOU, right?

Clueless_Mama said...

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious!! I bet that is the last time you, I mean the person will ever try that again. LOL

AnnQ said...

D'oh! I swear, water sex is SO overrated (just my opinion, and I've never even been stung by a jellyfish mid-coitus :-) )

Little Ms J said...

So, my 18 of my closest friends and relatives joined me in Jamaica for my wedding. I'm hanging out with dad and my best girlfriends are nowhere to be found. Someone whispers, "They're skinny dipping." I walk down to the beach to find my naked ass friends having just come back from the water with their men and jellyfish stings in bad bad places.

See what happens when you miss my rehearsal dinner?

The Crazy Baby Mama said...

hilarious story, and SO WELL TOLD :) thank you for sharing this.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Why oh why wasn't he stung, life is so unfair :)
xxx

Heather said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting, returning the gesture and so glad I did.
That was hilarious! Just proves men hearing what they want to hear!

AmyLK said...

how Funny is that! Thanks for sharing! I love your blog.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Phew. The ending was a relief. I thought she was going to die of a shark attack.

Two Normal Moms said...

Ahhhhh! Why do I try to drink fluids (ie: coffee, tea, water, wine) while reading blogs? I always end up laughing said fluids through my nose!
Very funny.
***Ally

Eva Gallant said...

Jenny, you always crack me up!!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy Woman said...

AHHHH!!!!!!! Love it.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

OMGosh you flipping always make me laugh so hard. That is one heck of a mental picture :)

questfortherightone.blogspot.com said...

Next time I'm at sea, I'll watch out for these kodak moments.

M-Cat said...

HA HA HA HA!!!

True story - cute newlywed mormon couple (never had sex) go for their honeymoon to Cancun during jellyfish hatching season.

No bueno.

And no, it wasn't me....

Brochure Printing said...

Haha! Best story I've read in years. Please tell me that is not an anecdote. :D

"THAT IS MY LOVE ZAPPING YOU." - should be listed as the lamest dirty talk ever and should be forbidden for usage forever.

ladytruth said...

I'm telling this to all my gigalo male friends; not only will they have a great laugh, but they'll learn a lesson from it too: only sea creatures should swim free in the water.