Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dazed and confused

Dear Mr. Ford Probe Driver:

Yesterday, I was behind you as we exited a parking lot onto a main thoroughfare. I appreciated the level of care and extreme caution you employed as you looked both ways. And then looked both ways again. And again. And again. But I also noticed there were NO cars coming in either direction. Are you watching tennis? Can you press the long pedal please? What are you doing?

You finally pull out moments before my resistance evaporated into a horn honking symphony.

I was none too delighted however to discover you seemed to be planning my same route, but there was no escaping it. As I followed you down the street, I noticed you were driving very attentively. Too attentively if there is such a thing. The speed limit on this road is 35 mph, but you wanted to drive 30. I designed a dozen reasons why you would do this. Maybe you don't feel well. Maybe you are having a bad day. Maybe your leg is in a cast making it difficult to press that gas pedal too long.

As we pulled up to a red light, I continued to rationalize your uber-cautious behavior. Until I noticed a peculiar scent. You were smoking a cigarette I noticed, but nothing RJ Reynolds manufactured. And then you casually dangled your arm out the window I observed two very interesting details. One, a cloud of smoke has just exited your car. And two, betwixt your fingers of your casually dangling arm is a little something that looks quite similar to marijuana contraband.

Let me review. You will drive for the past fifteen minutes like an 80 year old woman with an eye patch and a horrific driving record, yet, you will dangle your joint out of the window as clouds of exhaled cannabis waft into the open air.

You are dazed and confused. Here is a tip: You don't drive with such extreme caution in an effort to avoid drawing notice (which, by the way, draws notice) to then let billowing clouds of reefer out of your car at the stop light. The same stop light in which you are clearly inclined to put that doobie out the window. Not wise, Mr. Ford Probe Driver.

And then, two streets up, you pull into a driveway. A driveway, loaded with construction vehicles, equipment, and workers. As I was then stopped at a red light just adjacent to the driveway, I watch as you exit the vehicle in your construction vest, and don your hard hat.

Oh yes, please do protect your melon with that hard hat and don't think twice about the fact that not getting high before working at a construction site is a critical safety precaution. Nothing could prepare you more for that jackhammer than narcotics.

I wonder if you were the same construction worker who, in the building of my brand new home years ago, left a empty Cheetos bag on my unfinished bathroom floor and a surprise in the inoperable toilet. I would assert you could be. Only someone baked would know you can't flush a toiled when the plumbing is not hooked up yet. But, I bet those cheetos were just as good as Chester Cheetah claims. I am sure you enjoyed every cheesy crunch.

So smarten up, Chia Pot. Try not to drive a staple gun through your palm while you giggle uncontrobally and fantasize about Moon Pies. And please, don't let me get trapped driving behind you again.

113 comments:

My name is PJ. said...

I do believe I've just had a 70's flashback!

the walking man said...

Dude was driving a ford Probe...that alone is testament to his state of mind.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Mmm imagine all the possible mistakes made in building a house while high. Little bit of a worry for the owner when things start to fall apart.
xxx

susan said...

Heehee--Someone should tell the Chia pot that friving too slowly will get him noticed by authorities more quickly than speeding. I had a little rant of my own yesterday--you might like it :)

Jules said...

A friend of mine used to paint those new houses... They all used to go get drunk at lunch. Makes you feel great about owning one of them, huh?

mbkatc230 said...

Dazed and confused indeed. He must be related to the idiots that built our house. When we replaced the back door, we discovered that the old one's frame had 1 - exactly 1 - nail holding it to the frame of the house! And when we renovated the guest bath, we discovered candy wrappers behind the old built in linen closet! Kathy

Hit 40 said...

My sister found poop in her attic and crawl space of her new home. Plus, some poor quality of actual building. She sold that one as quick as possible and moved to an older established neighborhood where she did not have to worry about her house falling apart.

Liz said...

Hilarious.

Jen said...

WOW. I think that might be worse than the lady I was behind, driving 5 miles below the speed limit, whom I noticed (as I passed to turn) texting. Hello people - get a clue before you kill someone.

parentingBYdummies said...

Bad drivers are a menace to society. It really gets me going. Maybe that's why all of my dudes can road rage with the best of 'em. I know, it's bad, but they need to have a healthy respect for the rules of the road and yelling at people who deserve it (as long as you don't get outta your car and try to punch them) is a rule!

Buckeroomama said...

Ooh, that would have had me muttering under my breath a few choice words.

(Yeah, I meant 'wicked' as in 'great'!)

prerna said...

LOL, he really was Dazed and Confused!! Poor you!I can imagine how you must've felt!

The Peach Tart said...

So first we have to worry about drivers putting on makeup, texting, reading, drinking and now getting high. It's a wonder there are not more accidents.

Mala said...

hee hee! Fabulous post!!!

...and your poor sister. yuck.

Drahdrah said...

I'm glad you both got to where you were going safely. I think that over cautious drivers (for whatever reason) are just as dangerous as the reckless ones.

otherworldlyone said...

Yeah, I'm having flashbacks of when I was that kid. But I was never stupid enough to drive under or over the limit, nor did I hang my contraband out the window.

I should probably have worn a hard hat a time or two though.

I feel old.

Vodka Logic said...

What a tool... You certainly come up with a variety of terms for a pot head.

good post.
xx

I have an award for you

erin said...

Kids and 'the pot'. 'the dope'.

Crazy kids.

When I was 16 and high out of my mind (granted I only smoked 'the reefer' a dozen times...I'm a good girl) we pulled up to a gas station that was very crowded.
I parked behind one of the cars at a pump, halfway on the road, put it in park and tried to go to sleep (i guess). The girls with me batted me about the head till I realized that the gas station wasn't packed at all...and I was just a freaking total and complete idiot.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

People like that are the reason I have my local PD on speed dial...

You showed great restraint!

mo.stoneskin said...

Drugs + construction sound pretty lethal. I suppose drugs + F1 racing would be worse. Or drugs + nuclear bomb-making...

Tammy Howard said...

This explains so much about my house...

Also? I think I want Cheetos...

Cee said...

Yikes...you should have made a citizens arrest! (not sure if those are real or not but I always thought it would be fun to do)

Mrs.C said...

This reminds me of the skit about a whole party of drunk people trying to act sober when a cop arrives. LOL

Dree said...

What a nightmare! And how horrible to find a "surprise" in your new home... Wow.

confused homemaker said...

Mmmmm...moon pies...I will now fantasize about those & remember days gone long by for moi.

Lisa said...

marijuana contraband

SNORT!

jules said...

Are you kidding me? Oh and "giggling and fantasying about moon pies." HA HA HA. Love it!

AmyK said...

If you lived in Mid West, I would say he was headed to work in one the of the automotive plants. There was an unpoken rule that you never buy a car made on a Friday or a Monday. Drive under the limit, but be so sool that you hang your illegal substance out the window. Figures.

Georgina said...

I feel bad to be laughing so hard at someone who clearly deserves a Darwin Award and is an obvious threat to public safety. I don't know what it is about dope smokers and heavy machinery. My neighbor, a mechanic for BMW likes to toke up at 5:00 am in the morning. Would you want this guy fixing your brakes?
- G

f8hasit said...

Hey JennyMac, give the guy a little bit of slack...

I mean, the guy has to get baked out of his mind in order to deal with the verbal lashing he must get from his construction site co-workers for driving a Ford Probe.

We all know that respectable construction workers drive pickups.

:-)

Great post!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That is so funny. Some people just can't drive and roll a joint!

Tooj said...

Ooohhhh, Moon Pies. What are those? They sound delish. I think I need to google. I might dream of Hershey Kisses. I love chocolate. Anything milk chocolate. Wait...this isn't about food, is it? It's about safety. Well, for all things Holy, I hope he was wearing his seatbelt!

BlueRidgeLady said...

Ohhhhh..I guess this isn't really funny, but it waaaas funny and you were so funny.....I see that you are from Atlanta! My husband is a superintendent on a new condo in Buckhead. I am stunned at the stuff he tells me he sees at the construction site. Things the I won't even go into here! I wonder if that guy was going to that job!! Good Lord. Nice to meet you neighbor! Have a great day!

SUGAR said...

ahah bless his soul, it must be hard living life as a human scarecrow

yes, if you only had a brain...

sugar
xoxo

AnnQ said...

That guy is a complete Bag of Douche.

Emily said...

omg...getting high out in public? For real!?

Too Many Hats said...

You meet the bestest people!

Lucy and Ethel said...

Thanks for visiting the Suite! I should be slaving but decided to pop over to see what was what here; what a fun (well, and scary) first post to read! And I howled at 'Chia Pot.' Too funny :)

I'll be back :)

Hope to see you at the Suite again!

Lucy

Michael Rivers said...

It's such a comfort knowing people like that are driving!

Badass Geek said...

I once saw an SUV on the highway that looked like it's windows were fogged up. As they passed, they rolled down their windows and smoke billowed out. One of the guys in the back seat was laughing uncontrollably and was holding a giant bong.

Yeah. It was not awesome.

Just Add Walter said...

hehe.. "chia pot" got me!!

your stories are the best! sorry you had to endure being behind him... and can't believe he was so public with his intoxication! scary...

Heather said...

Haha, what a dumb ass. Although, said dumb ass turned out to be awesome blog humor. :)

foxy said...

What kind of idiot blazes out - so openly - before going to work CONSTRUCTION? He's obviously not a real stoner.

Intense Guy said...

There is an engineering rule of 80-20 that applies to a lot things, most commonly known is the "20 percent of things you do take 80 percent of your time."

In this case, stiffening up the driver's licencing exam to flunk 20 percent of the exam takers would probably get 80 percent of the absolute worse drivers off the road (or at least in a legal sense, since no one seems enforce the "you need a license" law anyway.

5thsister said...

I recently watched a show where they did an undercover investigation of construction workers of NYC high rises. It appears that many had a liquid lunch at the neighborhood bar before resuming they construction duties for the afternoon. Scary.

Rook No. 17 said...

Chia Pot, LOL! Love your writing, your wit, your style...I love the way you channeled this frustrating incident into an entertaining and relateable article! Thanks for stopping by Rook No. 17!
Jenn

Lisa Anne said...

LOl, unfortunetly i know 1 too many people who are like that.

Scrappy Girl said...

Wow! Unbelievable! I hope he didn't end up hurting an innocent hard working non-pothead. Creep!

btw...ew! on the toilet.

Yankee Girl said...

I love commercials that portray potheads as reckless drivers. Potheads are either too chill to be reckless or too paranoid. Either way, it sucks to be stuck behind one!

Kelly @ The Miller Mix said...

All comments on tokers-behind-the-wheel aside, what did you think when you saw the surprise in the toilet? I can't decide if I would've busted out laughing or crying. Also, every construction worker I know is a pothead. Seriously.

TidyMom said...

LOL great post!!! I love the way you write!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!! what a fun blog you have!!...off to look around here a little more!♥

~TidyMom

The Boob Nazi said...

That's kind of scary.

Amanda said...

Wow, some people are seriously DUMB!!!

obladi oblada said...

Hilarious! "Chia Pot"....lol.

Vivienne said...

If you are in a hurry, next time get behind a drunk. They go faster.

Perhaps he is trying to nominate himself for a Darwin Award?

Under the Influence said...

I have friends who stopped their property while their house was being built, just to check in. All the workers, and some of their girlfriends, were sitting around enjoying toke!

Kristina P. said...

I am such a prude! I probably would have called the cops.

Brandy said...

How ridiculous! Some people are so dumb they don't deserve to even leave the house, let alone build houses. Sheesh.

Barbaloot said...

Maybe it would be a good idea for him to staple his hand...keep him out of commission for awhile.

Lola Lakely said...

Can this Chia Pot live and exist in two states at one time. Because I think I was also behind the self same driver.

Neva said...

Hilarious!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Oh that's funny! I think the same construction worker might have helped build my house.

Mrs Montoya said...

For all your bloggy friends that say they would have called the cops, please know this - I have called 911 TWICE on a Southern California freeway and been put on hold both times. The first was because a car crossed four lanes of traffic and went flying over the embankment. I physically had to locate a sheriff to report it. STUPID! Then I called and sat on hold (on my headset) for 17 minutes while a woman drove 50+ MPH all over the freeway while curling her freakin' hair. Yeah. Curling her hair. She exited the freeway before I could even get someone on the line. Be careful, my friends. There's no one paying attention but us and heaven help if we ever actually need roadside assistance.

Tumbleweed said...

Mary-jew-wanna is baaed, M-kay?? You kids shouldn't smoke mary-jew-wanna!

Charisse and Holly said...

We can all relate! No fun getting stuck behind those drivers. Funny post...thanks for the giggle. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Kr√ęg said...

Hey, if using a sawz-all while toasted is wrong, then I don't want to be right!

But seriously, if I had that guy's life, I'd probably want to blunt my senses too.

Thank god I'm just an unrepentant drunk instead.

Cindi said...

I just love your sense of humor!! Thank you for sharing your everday ponders!!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

Yikes! That is so funny! I loved the tennis match part! I thought that he was going to be drunk - not that that would've been better. I don't know which is worse.

But, it's also great that he's going to work and putting his fellow construction workers at risk. Nice guy.

Tsquared417 said...

What a douche. I hope he didn't hurt anyone else. If he hurt himself, ah well.

Baloney said...

Please tell me you turned him in, took a picture, something?!
I left something for you on my blog today. Probably matches the other 500 you already have. :)

Dandy said...

I am laughing so hard there are tears. I knew by you blog title I would love you but I feel my infatuation has deepend and I will now start stalking you.

Conquer The Monkey said...

wow, what a super duper annoying experience!!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

I wish I were single and living in Atlanta --- he sounds like a winner.

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

oh my word. that is sad and hilarious.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy Woman said...

Your stories are fabulous! And now, for some reason, I want a Moon Pie?

Bug said...

Haha, this was awesome! I have been missing out, you have a great blog. Thanks for stopping by mine :)


Hugs,

Bug
http://inbugsdrawers.blogspot.com

kyslp said...

Driving while rolling a joint is a rare talent.

The imPerfect Housewife said...

You never EVER fail to amuse me - you just crack me up girl ~ ♥

CatLadyLarew said...

I wonder if Chia Pot considered it a good day at work?

carma said...

My husband is in the construction industry, and he can tell you plenty of stories about finding someone has crapped in the shower and lots of other lovelies...

I guess there is a reason these folks don't have a degree. Just sayin'

Ju said...

Looser, hahaha. Still, stoners are a tiny bit better than drunks behind the wheel.?! They are all loosers in fact.

Chief said...

This reminds me of when I built my house and found a 711 cup with urine in it in the master bedroom closet. Nice. I think he is your driver guy for sure

Helene said...

Such an oxymoron of a human being, wasn't he? All cautious and careful with his driving, yet killing his brain cells one at a time with marijuana. What an idiot!

Pricilla said...

I think Mr. Ford Probe Driver has fried one too many brain cells...
Wouldn't you just love it if he came to your firm for defense work?

If your firm does that kind of work...

Snake Charmer said...

LMAO this was just too good

One Sassy Girl said...

That was me in high school... scary thought. And I still consider it amazing people call me doctor now. How a girl that far gone could swing 180 and turn out alright is beyond me. Hilarious post, as always :)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Maybe it was a prescription? We have quite a few elderly "prescription" users here in this area.

Sande said...

Maybe that's the only way he can get some creative flair .... ?

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, that was funny!!

Thanks for the chuckle!

Dumbwit Tellher said...

Amen sister, amen. Scary though isn't it. Reminded me the time we had our house in Las Vegas built only to find that a worker had urinated in the bathtub. Have they zero couth?! Fabulous post with your incredible whit!

teasinglydiverse said...

Oh My!!

Theta Mom said...

You are too funny!

Margo said...

I like the way you give this guy in the probe the benefit of the doubt until it is obvious what is up. I'm pretty sure he's worked on my house before too - he's probably the one who forgot to pre-treat the wood for termites in half of the downstairs.

Constructive Attitude said...

wow what an idiot.

The things you encounter jennymac, i tell ya.

janis said...

Hilarious!

Slamdunk said...

Ha--glad your car was undamaged.

While watching workers build my father's small but new home in South Texas several years ago, he was shocked at how much beer the group consumed daily after starting to drink at 8 am. After a few days, he was lobbying for them to take shorter days as the quality of their work declined dramatically by afternoon.

Jennifer, Inside Out Colour and Design said...

Oh dear, I think I know that guy....or his cousin here in Australia. Why are they all in the building industry?

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Lord have mercy upon that man. And why, oh why did he toss a bag of cheetohs in the throes of a munchie? Something is dangerously amiss here.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Joe? (brother) lol!

Kristin said...

I pity the owner of the building that gem is working on. Wow.

M-Cat said...

You had me at Ford Probe (thats what she said!)

Um, yeah, hello!

And I've heard some pretty disgusting stories of what construction workers leave behind that the home owners never find until the horrible odor is overwhelming or they remodel and do some tearing out of walls etc....

cherie said...

FABULOUS post!! I laughed a little I cried a little... okay well I didn't really cry but ... it moved me he hee!

Unknown Mami said...

Whoa Dude!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh My Dude! Really is that my lane oh wait that is my yellow vest creating that lovely shade! What I'm off work it can't be bad right? dingdorf!

ladytruth said...

It is times like these a person needs one of those siren things they just plonk on the roof of a car when they are in pursuit of a criminal. I wonder if that would've scared him sober? Hehehe

I have something for you over at my blog :)

LadyFi said...

Oh my - this was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh...

Mary-Jane said...

Did you put the poop in the cheetos bag?

blueviolet said...

I didn't expect that at all. I was sure it was a senior.

Didn't you just want to tattle so bad?!!

Chessa! said...

lol...you crack me up!

Kelly H-Y said...

You are hilarious!

jenn w/ 2 n's said...

Hey, I think I know that guy.. Except sometimes he drives a faded old Datsun Hatchback

Bruce said...

This may have been the same guy that left the crack pipe in the walk in closet of the new house we bought several years ago. Nothing says "new home smell" like a crack pipe in your brand new closet.

Eva Gallant said...

Pretty much everything has been said that could be by now.... I've been remiss in keeping up with the blogs I follow 'cause I didn't have interned access in the Mojave Desert. But I'm back!