Tuesday, October 27, 2009

First, smear peanut butter on your new suede sofa

A friend of mine, recently married, asked me how you know you are ready for kids.

Ummm, when the stick turns blue? That marks the moment I was encouraged to "get ready." She laughed and said, "But you always knew you wanted kids." Yes. But I also always knew I wanted a baby tiger but give me one, and well, I might seem a bit skittish.

Yes, I wanted to be a mom but really, what did I know about having or raising children? I received this one day and after laughing my arse off, I thought, uh oh. So now you too can review and determine your own "readiness."

The test for "Child" readiness.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the brand new suede sofa you just special ordered. Oh, and hit those windows and gorgeous window swags too. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there until next August.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and shove it under the front of your dress. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the person behind the counter to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase your favorite golf or fashion magazine. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Try keeping your voice down when you repeat the same thing to them 50 times.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. Keep a smile on your face as you do so.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Turn over the keys to your BMW and buy a mini-van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Slide it into your DVD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can do a better job. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

143 comments:

Amanda said...

I'm still laughing at this one. I fear that I would have failed every test, and yet so many of them are resonating with me. I always knew I would never be 'ready' for kids - so I just had to go ahead and do it anyway (and I'm so very pleased I did!)

My name is PJ. said...

So funny and true....and it's just for starters!

Hit 40 said...

I love my boys but...

I should have waited a few years until we had a chance to travel a little. I went from bachelors to work/masters degree to kids without taking a breather.

If they both want kids now, they should go for it. This is all it takes.

Hit 40 said...

...because you can never really "afford" it.

the walking man said...

Tolerance test:
For a full year designate someone to only ask "Why?" every time they see you and when you answer they will respond with "Why?"

Jamie said...

I could comment on EVERY SINGLE item on this list... I love it!!
I cringed to read the Night Test... we're definitely dealing with that one... but for 5 more years?!?!?!!?

Shop Girl* said...

I am SO not ready for kids... haha

Laoch of Chicago said...

Very clever.

Ley said...

Found you through Bloggers Choice Awards - love the blog!

I would not pass this test at the moment.

Joshua said...

I think I just wet myself.

So that was you I caught following me with a camera and ducking into the bushes every time I turned around. Admit it!

Tammy Howard said...

They all had me smiling and nodding, but the last one was the absolute best. I was a teacher with multiple degrees in early childhood before I had kids. Within a week of having one of my own, I realized I had an AWFUL lot of apologies to make for things I'd said in my 'expertise' and things I'd thought. Oy.

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

I don't have children but this post made me laugh SO much!!

Just Add Walter said...

oh my goodness.. this post is great!! had me laughing the whole way through

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That's funny. And as they get older, make sure you buy stock in duct tape.

Jen said...

Phew, I was worried about your sofa!

The two that really get me are the grocery store test with the goats & the automobile test and the garden rake. Whoever wrote that list hit the nail right on the head. The thing I don't manage so well is the speaking nicely and looking pleasant all the while :)

carma said...

This here is pure genius!! So many truths :D

mo.stoneskin said...

Wallet? I don't even have a wallet any more. When I reach into my pocket all I find is a couple of coins that I scrimped for a quiet lunchtime pint because I knew that was as good as it gets...

I kid, I love my daughter.

Lisa said...

LOVE this and OH SO true!

The Peach Tart said...

I'm glad my child is grown because I would fail all these tests if I took them now.

Jules said...

I laughed at the "when the stick turned blue". THAT's hysterical! However...I couldn't get past the physical test and about wanted to shoot myself at the night test. THEN you added the automobile test! I don't think I'm ready.

Hyla said...

So completely and utterly true

Lisa Anne said...

In my case I don't think one could ever be ready for kids. Not if their kids turn out like mine. LOL

S Club Mama said...

How funny. You forgot to blare the worst awful heavy metal music all day (in lieu of a screaming kid). Then ask the music what's wrong.

confused homemaker said...

The list was a good laugh for me this morning. I am currently going through the squirmy eater & dresser phase with the baby. Ah, the joys of parenthood.

Badass Geek said...

Seems about right to me.

Cee said...

hahaha this is hilarious!

ShellSpann said...

This is too funny!!

Kimi said...

So freaking true!

Kate said...

I am still laughing but feeling slightly afraid at the same time!

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/

Jenglamgirl said...

This is absolutly HILARIOUS! right on the money... allthough I will admit I have never had the dime in the cd player, ice cream in gloce compartment, or peanut butter accident... BUT THERE have been plenty others like: Aqua Blue magic marker all over my in laws house, carpet, walls, sink, mirror, 2 year old body.. you name it. Scratched furniture that was just purchased, plenty of broken things, and a fav. you may enjoy... My 5 year old who was SO PROUD he learned how to write his hame... carved the entire 7 letter name into the side of our explorer and then showed us "look dad I wrote me name" Thankfully our insurance covered the new paint job. I love my 3 kids and my life, wouldn't want it any other way. Congrats to your friend!

Jenglamgirl said...

did I goof... sorry, if your friend still wants to have a child after your experiences then she is SO READY!

leigh said...

This test is too funny. I should forward this to my friend who is pregnant and watch her really freak her freak!

XO
Leigh

jules said...

Oh dear. I'm not ready at all!

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

oh, too hilarious!!!

people need to have more compassion on moms!

Angelia said...

Hubs and I keep telling ourselves that we'll have nice things when the children are gone....

Intense Guy said...

I'm skipping the kid thing.

Judging by what you've written - a small herd of goats would be easier and lots more fun.

:)

Liza said...

New category. Instead of LOL, it's HOL (Howl out loud!)

Senorita said...

Precisely why I don't have children, and don't want to. I would fail them all.

I wouldn't dream of giving advice to anyone with children or asking them to keep their child from running wild. I can understand it's not an easy task.

Corrie Howe said...

I've seen this before. I agree it is a keeper and should be mandatory for all people thinking about children.

Came over because of Lee the Hot Flash Queen.

Geez Louise♥ said...

This is so funny!!! So true!!! I haven't been around the last few days and I missed ya JM!

Chrystal

Michael Rivers said...

Love this!! And it totally confirms I am not ready for kids. Not sure I ever will be ready!

Nonflammable said...

Hilarious post!

Also worth mentioning is athletic feats and telephathic abilities.

Our son, 2 at the time stood on our newly cleaned oriental carpet. He had one of those looks 'I'm gonna chuck' I did a running dive through the air catching most of it in my outstretched hands, saving the rug. My husband, in awe, asked how I knew he was getting ready 'to toss'. Instinct my man!

A womans 6th sense definitely is more honed after she has kids.

Mommy Lisa said...

funny.funny.funny.

melissa said...

That is the best email ever! And I love S Club Mama's addition :)

I'm sending this to my sister who is getting married in a few months. Hopefully she'll get the hint about the final assignment too lol

Herding Cats said...

This is hilarious. The goats are my favorite!

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

hysterical and yes, i am beyond freaking ready.

Georgina said...

Thanks for this, I needed it! Absolutely hilarious! - G

Barbaloot said...

Good thing I'm still single these days:)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

OMG. The automobile test is me. I traded my 3 series baby for a real baby and Toyota minivan.

I've cried everyday since...

Nezzy said...

Haaaaheeehee! This is far superior to any other birth control. Ya have this Ozarks farm chick crackin' up. I'm cryin' here, sure hope I don't electrocute myself. I'm so glad I popped in today, I enjoyed myself. Now I gotta run or I'm gonna have to change my bloomers!

Ya'll have a wonderful day filled with blessings!!!

New England Girl said...

I laughed so hard while reading this. It is absolute perfection! I don't have children, but friends who do would probably agree with most of - if not all - the things on this list! It is smart, though; it scares me off of even considering children for at least a few more years. :)

brainella said...

The Legos, the Legos...oh, the Legos. I'd really like to meet the man who invented those dang things...

Raoulysgirl said...

I love this! I came over from Lee's place at HH&H. What a great post!!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

"Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers." -- this was my favorite.

Kristina P. said...

This just confirmed what I already knew.

Jen said...

Perfect. ;)

Heather said...

Haha, omg how perfect are ALL of those. Thanks for sharing!

Amanda said...

That is a perfect list!!

Yankee Girl said...

I WILL NOT buy a mini-van. Or wear a fanny pack. Those are the only things in life I swear I will never do.

Mira is triplet crown said...

We all think we know better until we have children of our own, dont we? MY children wont do x or y like THEIR children. THEY just aren't parenting right.

ha ha ha ha ha.

I am so screwed.

Your cool friend Cheryl said...

Oh, it's funny because it's true...

LiLu said...

Wait a minute.

Are you giving out baby tigers?

Cause DIBS, dood.

Young Mom/Wife said...

SO FUNNY!! What a great list, and oh so true, except the last one didn't mention how us parents smile but secretly want to punch people without kids who give us parenting advice.

Being Pramoda... said...

hahah...hilarious tests and soo funnyyy

Baloney said...

My couch has remained intact so far...

Helen McGinn said...

ROTFL! I passed! Passed out that is.... ;O)

Mrs Montoya said...

Well now I know why things aren't working so well for me as a Mama. I never even tried that stuff :) SO FUNNY! and sadly very accurate!! Such a great share. Just couldn't be better. I don't know where you find this stuff, but it just goes along with my thinking that you're a genius!

Debbie said...

OMG...you totally nailed it! This should be a required test before anyone is allowed to bless us with their adorable little bundles of JOY! hahahah

You are very funny!

Cathi said...

Haha....so so true!

Jenny.Lee said...

OMG so true!

Secretia said...

Jenny, That is such good advice, to test all those factors :)

Thanks for visiting Secret Story Time! I am following you now, too!

Secretia

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Hysterical! Mind if I borrow the test for my blog?

Pricilla said...

Harumph! We goats can be quite selective in what we eat. I resent the implications herein.

Although I have found the Newsweek magazine to be quite tasty.

DeNae said...

Absolutely perfect. I am SO glad you commented on my blog. I would never have found you otherwise, and you're fast becoming a favorite over here!

Ju said...

We are never prepared enough, fact.
Funny test :D

linlah said...

Oh I wish I had that test years ago.

Sodium said...

I wish I'd written something as funny as that mail!!! I bet you do too.

The Pocket Stylist said...

This test is so true... But it is all well worth it when they give you a huge hug or run to you when they are hurt!! Love your blog now a follower!!

Alicia said...

hahaa!! TOTALLY!!! so so so so true!!

obladi oblada said...

Ha and just think...I volunteered one hundred percent for all that stuff...times three...at one time. It is all so so true.

Whimsical Creations said...

LOL!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Truer words were never spoken. Or written. :) I especially love the last one ... because it's sooooo easy to be all righteous when you don't have kids!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

Oh, dear, I may never be ready for children after reading this - too funny!

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny and way too true!!! lol

Milltini said...

hahaha--the tiger comment, still chuckling about that one. well, i am certainly not there yet (based on the test and my own common sense)...but i will be some day. regardless, this is a great post!

Conquer The Monkey said...

OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! One of my new FAVS! "....yes but I also "knew" I wanted a baby tiger..."

classic, just classic.
cheers
Cameron

Menopausal New Mom said...

I laughed so hard when I read this, now if only you had posted it four years ago, I might have been better prepared for the 3 1/2 year old who has taken over our home!

BTW, thanks for stopping by my blog, yours is hilarious so I'm now following!

Trail In Progress said...

hahaha! love it! Thanks for the comment on my post-really love your blog.

:)

Julie

CatLadyLarew said...

I couldn't have said it better myself! An instant classic!

That Girl39 said...

I would say all of those are a fair and honest test! Just caught up on a few of your posts and love your blog! I arrived via the trail of the Zombie Chicken from Liz at ....but then I had kids. You deserve the chicken ten times over!

Tarable said...

I may have seen that before but never has it made more sense or been more funny (in the sad "that's so true" kind of way) than AFTER actually being a mother for almost a whole year.

HalfAsstic.com said...

HA! Love that! And I've never seen it before!

Matthew said...

You have excelled yourself on this one. The live octopus observation had me grinning madly. Nicely done, JennyMac.

Pollyanna said...

Soooo sad.

Sooooooooo true.

We once thought my daughter like candied peanuts. She was constantly begging for her little bowl to be filled with them.

When spring arrived, we found out what she really liked. The candied coating. She was stashing the actual peanuts in her play kitchen. In the spring it was infested with ants - ON THE SECOND FLOOR!

To this day, she doesn't take food outside the kitchen for fear of the "bugs".

Ms Bibi said...

I just came from Lee the Hotflash Queen.

Your post is hilarious, yet so true. It should be mandatory for all people who think they're ready.

Then ask them again...lol

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the pregnancy stick photo - gosh, girl, you scared me for a second!

Anyway, yes the tests! I have a two year old (will be two on Thursday! :-) and I still failed all the tests. Child readiness comes with grandchildren, or so my parents tell me. ;-)

Tami G said...

New FOLLOWER!!!!!!!
Found you through Leigh! Love this post.....where I started - but then I continued on - your blog is great! I couldn't stop reading!!!

Just thought I would say HI!

Tami G
http://www.everydayingray.blogspot.com

Lisa and Laura said...

PERFECTION. I'm bookmarking this and sending it to friends as soon as they announce they're pregnant.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh God I will never be ready to have a baby! I just can't give up my BMW.

(yeah right)

Justagirl said...

Wow Jennifer, this is spot on and hilarious!!! It's funny how when you aren't a mom you can't stand ow other mom's let their kids be messy and eat Cheetos in the car and drip ice cream on your briefcase....then when you have your own, they are of course angels and perfect in every way and you just don't care about the spills anymore! I love reading your blog!

Take care,

Lexi

Uptown Girl said...

oh my.

this post was like birth control.

blueviolet said...

Oh forget it. The human race would die off by tomorrow.

ByDSea said...

Hilarious and sadly true! I was never ready for children but at least I had them to practice with before my newly acquired position as Grandmother.

Simply Mel said...

This is SO right on...every single image that conjured up in my head has happened - ahhh, the joys of parenting no-neck monsters!

McVal said...

Funny!!! Now that I have 3 kids, I believe I could do each of those things...

Maybe that's why there's a picture of a goat on a leash in the famous Walmart collection!

foxy said...

So. Freaking. Funny.

Maybe i should get back on the pill... ;)

Shanna Suburbia said...

Every time I see a list like this, I think of the episode of "My Wife and Kids" where Michael bets Junior that he won't survive a week taking care of a water balloon baby and makes it hilariously difficult for him by waking him at all hours of the night, spitting milk on him, and other kid things that drive him crazy.

He loses the bet and realizes he needs to take a parenting class because, apparently, parenting is kind of hard. =P

Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a little note! It's great to e-meet you! (I am also not trying to be a sycophant. =)

Kate said...

I'm not sure you'll ever read my comment as it's so far down your list of loyal comment[ors]? But, I've just found your blog and it really made me laugh. Think I'll follow you for a while. If you ever read this comment, stop by my blog if you've time. I'm fairly new to this blogging thing and would appreciate the attention!!

Unknown Mami said...

Yup. I think you nailed it.

Emily said...

LMAO! The feeding test was my personal favorite.

Quest said...

weehaa! Ain't this a joyride. But I do read my sister's face and pretend I don't get it, whenever I sit her down and tell her what to do and not do with her daughter. And my sis is older than me. And I don't have kids. And she never told me to shove it where the sun don't shine. Awwww. Maybe I should call her now ...

Tiffany said...

oh! all the places we find old pieces of chicken nuggest and week-old sippy's with milk still in them. so gross.

love your blog...new follower!

Vodka Logic said...

Luckily I didn't know you when I decided i wanted kids.. I would have failed those tests. xx

Dumblond said...

Wow. Someone hit a nerve with this post...
Yes. To every one of those tests, yes. Perfectly accurate. I will forward this to my brothers so they wrap their junk.

So Lovely said...

I'm so glad I found your blog. You're hysterical and made me spit my "cocktail" all over my laptop. This is brilliant and I shall be sending this link to any friends who are thinking "is it the right time for children".

otin said...

I loved the woman's physical test!!!

Charisse and Holly said...

I wanted a baby tiger too...just didn't want it to grow up. I also wanted a puppy and got one this Summer. I spent the first 3 weeks in tears...tired...sure the pup hated us...he peed on everything...bit my kids...growled. Finally he is a great pup now. I see why people buy dogs as prep for babies now. Thanks for visiting us today. Happy Tuesday! Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Nat said...

This was hilarious Jenny ! I was giggling the WHOLE time...so witty you are and frank about the harsh reality of being parents !!!

Tsquared417 said...

I always wondered if there was a test out there!! You found it. :)

Chief said...

This is classic! I loved the one about the alligator out of an egg carton. I would have totally failed that one

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

lol and thats just for starters

Leah Rubin said...

Awesome and hilarious advice! I may have to pass this on to someone I know who is 'pondering'.

It's remarkable how true it all is! Love it!

Sell...Party Of 3 said...

That made me giggle as I venture in to baby #2

WhisperingWriter said...

I love this!! It's all so true..

Alexis AKA MOM said...

I'm loving the jug in the air! That is so perfect! Oh lego's you kill me, those and those stupid airplanes. Oh the joys of boys!!!

Eiffel tower ok Martha you're killing me! LOL :)

Lauren said...

No one ever tells you how gross having kids can be. Dirty diapers, food everywhere, sticky hands, it's just icky.

Dustjacket Attic said...

JM this has to be one of the best posts I've ever read! I laughed so much I was snorting, that is so unattractive!

I may have to link you on this. The lego one, your right, it may as well be bloody roof tacks.

10 out of 10 girl!
xxx

ps why didn't I read this before it was too late .. sniff sob. Just kidding folks

Dina's Days said...

This is so so funny. Guess I'm not ready, I can tell you that much!

Kato said...

Hahah!! That gave me a good chuckle alright :)

I am now following! Love your blog!

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

HAHAHA! Loved this. Forgot one though...

Whine Test: One spouse should fill a mammoth balloon with air, and then very, very slowly allow air to escape through the stretched neck, making sure the high pitched squeal reaches extreme decibels. The other spouse should attempt to make dinner and/or do other important tasks at the same time, while the balloon wielding spouse follows them and occasionally wraps themselves around their left leg. Repeat daily for several years, and at no time attempt to beat up or scream at the balloon bearer.

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

So funny, so true. I tried to comment yesterday but got kicked out. I thought about this post last night as I was taking a late shower after my son threw up on me. Sigh...

Stereos and Souffles said...

My friend's 3 1/2 year old is staying with me for 2 nights and I'm going to hide the peanut butter and start child proofing when I get home!

Julianne Hendrickson said...

THIS IS HYSTERICAL!! I have to borrow it, I will link you :)

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

result: Not ready. Is it weird that I realized I'd have to buy maternity clothes but i did NOT realize that I wouldn't be wearing my current clothes? that spells the sads for me.

Charlene said...

LMAO....Love it, I remember seeing this somewhere before and thought it was funny.


I'm going to have to steal this at some point ;) Thanks for stopping by my blog today!

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

You know, you really might be the funniest person I have ever read. And I know funny.

ajm said...

Right on! I have a 'luxury' car (whatever, I bought it used) AND two kids. Now my Audi has gooey once-food-like products under the booster seats and red fruit punch stains all over the carpet. I will say that the heated seats make it easier to get the goo off though.

Muthering Heights said...

LOLOLOL..I LOVE this!!!

Nomad said...

thanks, i'm never having sex again. just in case.

Marina said...

I love this .... but thats the easy part!
Just wait when the teenagers arrive!!!!!

Chic Mama said...

Oh I love it!!!!! ;0)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

THIS. Is pure brilliance. I need to tweet this. And probably print it out and tape it to my wall. Totally scored!

R. Bowman said...

This is funny as shit. Well done!