Wednesday, October 7, 2009

e - i - e - i - OH!

One day during my youth, I came home to discover we had a new pet. A french mini-lop named Murphy. Hmmmm. Our pet range had never expanded beyond cats and dogs, but Murphy was adorable, so I was game. Why did we get a bunny? Who knows. Typically it is the children of the family advocating for such requisitions. Not this time. This decision was all Mom. My SD (StepDad) had to build a cage off our back patio. We were certainly not equipped for a bunny, but they are truly low maintenance so it wasn't difficult.

And then on another day, I came home to find we had acquired two additional new pets. Two pygmy goats. Ok...zookeeper...let's slow down here. Why did we have goats? Who the ______ knows.

Again, children are typically the family members requesting everything from a unicorn to a Sasquatch but these wishes are not always granted. In this case, again, the genesis of this purchase was at the hands of my Mom. My SD had to build a GOAT PEN in our back yard because 1. we didn't live on a farm 2. we were not equipped to accomodate goats, pygmy or otherwise. My Mom named them Knick Knack and Paddy Whack. And they too were quite cute so I was game. Initially. You know which animals are not low maintenance? GOATS.

While these diminutive domestic goats are certainly adorable, they are not shy. OR quiet. One day, I heard a wretched sound coming from the back yard. Racing to the goat pen, I couldn't decipher the sound but certainly saw the goats involved in some kind of fisticuffs.

I ran into the house to alert my parents. I shouted "Knick Knack is killing Paddy Whack!" in all my earnest exuberance. My parents ran outside with me.

Was Knick Knack killing Paddy Whack? Yes. If by killing you mean mounting and going to town as if his life depended upon having enthusiastic goat sex.

My parents laughed at me for about an hour. How was I supposed to know what goat sex looked like? I was mortified and mad at them both. I huffed right off and since my bedroom door would not slam because of the carpet. I shut it. HARD. And then kicked it for good measure.

*&^(!)(&! HUMPING GOATS!

But I got them back. Unintentionally, but sometimes intentions are not the point. Or the source of humor.

Because Knick Knack loved goat sex, before long Paddy Whack was pregnant. Oh guess what? Pygmy goats like to conjugate MUCH more than other goats. So then goat babies came. And more goat babies. They were so little (and adorable) but my parents had to help some of them eat. All kinds of goat feeding equipment begin to surface to keep the little ones healthy.

One night, my parents were having a dinner party. I was getting in the shower when people had already arrived. Upon opening the shower curtain I was disgusted to see goat paraphenalia in the shower. This clearly belong OUTSIDE in the shed. I redress and stomp right out to the collective of family and friends before asking in an oh-so-sassy fashion:

WHY IS THE GOAT FEEDER HANGING IN THE SHOWER!?!?!?!?!?!?

It was followed by complete silence. And a somewhat puzzled look on my Mom's face.
And then my SD bursting out laughing.
And then my Mom's face turning a hybrid shade of crimson and magenta.
And then her jumping up..no poker face on this one...and escorting me down the hall by my arm.
And then a room FULL of laughter. A goat feeder in the shower? Ummm. No.

My mom's feminine cleansing system? Absolutely.

Nothing creates a more appetizing pre-dinner conversation than the announcement to your house full of guests about the lady-parts washer of your Host. And pretty soon, the busy-breeding goats were no longer the funniest part of our memories of these pets.

PS: But the proclivity towards procreation gave my parents sound reason to give the goats to a local farmer. Bye bye humpy humps-a-lot.

Maybe it should be e - i- e- i-ewwww!

100 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

Those goats do look cute.

Melissa B. said...

Oh, gosh...you've got me howling, and it's only 5:30 in the morning! I'm gonna wake the whole house up...So, Ms. JennyMac, you're an early riser like moi? Glad you have such a great sense of humor so early in the a.m.. I have a friend in Iowa who has goats, but they DO live on a farm!

A Leg Up After Knee Surgery

My name is PJ. said...

Yeah. You'd think moms would have explained the presence of the F.C.S. hanging in the shower by at least saying "It's mine." We had one of the good old-fashioned kind hanging in our shower periodically and it remained the contraption with no name. Cute story!!

Jules said...

Oh my God! I'm mortified and somewhat intrigued at the same time.....

Hubby's mom would do the same thing... she brought home ducks one time and put them in the living room. Why?????

J.J. in L.A. said...

That was the Best. Post. Ever! I'm supposed to be heading to bed (it's 3 am) and I have tears running down my face from laughing!

My brother had a goat for a while (in the mid-80's) but not nearly as, umm, entertaining as yours. We couldn't sit on the grass without that damn thing coming up behind us and ramming us in the back! He was aptly named 'Sh!thead'.

prerna said...

Oh.. Omigod!! That is so funny and so cute.. Love the goats pic.. makes me wanna run out and get some of my own.. :-)

Mary-Jane said...

I have never seen a lady cleaning gadget... I am intrigued!

the walking man said...

...and there is a backhanded testament as why empty nests should not be a syndrome but a good way to be.

Kate said...

Those goats are so adoreable!

Dustjacket Attic said...

Well JM I think your line "Knick Knack is killing Paddy Whack" will stay with me for some time.

I like your mum just for calling them that! Hilarious.

Thanks for the laughs honey,
xxx

Passion Fruit said...

I can't imagine the abs you must have from growing up in your family. A true six-pack, right?

leigh said...

This is my favourite post of yours. I needed a good laugh. Thank you darlin'.

XO
Leigh

Mala said...

Oh man...... too funny. And usually it's the rabbits that get all the action.

tiff(threeringcircus) said...

OMG! Thank you for commenting on my little old blog, because of that I found you and I am so coming back to read more!

I laughed and laughed reading this.

Buckeroomama said...

Does you mom read your blog? Does she know that you post funny stories about her? :)

Those pygmy goats are the cutest things ever!

Emma Hughes said...

Those goats are adoooorable!

(stopping by from Sits... hope you have a lovely day!)

Amanda said...

Oh your poor Mum! This story is up there with the beaver one. I love going to bed on a happy note!

Constructive Attitude said...

Goats sometimes scare me.

otherworldlyone said...

That's hilarious!

Maybe I'm out of the loop here,but I've never seen a lady-part washing contraption that didn't come in a little box. That weirds me out a bit.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I guess it takes care of an uncomfortable conversation around where babies come from. Your parents could just tell the children to go watch the goats.

mbkatc230 said...

Thanks for the belly laugh this morning! Have the worker's comp inspector coming today, so I needed the levity lol! The goats are absolutely adorable - in pictures, or at someone elses place! But the dinner party story will remain with me for a long, long time! Have a great day. Kathy

Dan. said...

Feminine cleansing system? I'm afraid to think what this could look like.

I wont let my other half look at this. She will want a goat in an instant.

Christina Lee said...

hahaha! those are the cutest dang things I've ever seen!

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst said...

LOL. Eww, but hysterical. I always enjoy your stories, but this one is exceptionally funny. You go girl. :-)

MommaKiss said...

How appropriate to read about humping goats on hump day.

snort

CatLadyLarew said...

So that's what paddy whacking means! She definitely got the bone. (EWWW... did I just say that?)

JenJen said...

This is funny! You write so I can "see it" and I love that.
Used to be that the only pet we were allowed to get was described like this:
If it can breathe underwater,ok.

Sigh.

stepfabulous said...

Love it, your places sounds like my kinda place to grow up. I am forever in trouble for bring home animals (mainly dogs) to find homes for! Sadly, I can't keep them since I have 5 of my own. :)

The Boob Nazi said...

This slightly quenches any desire I ever had for a goat.

Lisa said...

Goat humping ..... bwahahahaha!

Crazy Charm said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

My parents always fed the stray cats that lived under our porch. I can't tell you how many times a friend, friend's parents, or boyfriend came to pick me up only to see the cats going at it on the window sill.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

wow. It's so nice to be able to get around the blogosphere again. I missed it. One minute, I'm like..."Mmmm...coffee." The next, I'm like "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Humping goats and feminine hygiene products are hilarious!"

erin said...

Wow. Too much goat screwing and feminine cleaning systems for one child to stomach...you poor thing.

We had a giant backyard goat named Honey growing up. We couldn't go near her cause she'd try to eat us. My mom called her the lawnmower and tied her to different trees all day long.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Thank you for my morning laughter!! That is the best story I have EVER heard! I also that Knick Knack was killing Paddy Whack. Could be a great children's rhyme about the birds and the bees!!

Too Many Hats said...

ROFLOL - that is hilarious. You know, I really have always wanted goats - maybe not so much now.

AnnQ said...

Oh. My. God. I know the goats were Goat Sex Nightmares, but they're SO CUTE! :-)

Vodka Logic said...

Thank is hysterical and classic and great and your poor mother. At least it wasn't her dildo...if she had one.

Love the names too Knick Knacke ....

Ela said...

That is just priceless. Oh, I can't breathe.

I too discovered a goat feeder when I was little. Being the curious child that I was, I picked it up and examined it...shudder....

f8hasit said...

I'm assuming Paddy was the male? It's so wrong on so many levels. Thanks again for allowing me to get rid of my coffee through my nose.
:-)

Suzanne said...

How much did I need that laugh! Hysterical!

Intense Guy said...

LMAO...

Reminds me of the time when I was about 11 years old taking piano lessons from an old(er) lady and when my Mom came to pick me, I asked her what Vagisil Douche (I pronounced it doo-cheez) was used for - since I had seen it sitting out on her sink in the bathroom.

I think the old lady nearly died of embarrassed laughing...

Little Ms J said...

Hilarious.

foxy said...

Freaking hilarious! And those pygmy goats are way cute. Probably not while they're having goat sex, but still...

Michael Rivers said...

You just don't get the same excitment from a gold fish. Do you?

Being Pramoda... said...

yeah..may be it suits that context ...heheh..:) hey am missing u at my space these days..:(

Whimsical Creations said...

LMAO! HILARIOUS!

Lauren said...

Oh, your mom cracks me up!! I have never been an animal person but I suddenly really want two pets that I can name Knick Knack and Paddy Whack! Too funny!

Mary K Brennan said...

Hysterical. Nothing like a little feminine humor to spruce up the dinner party.

Cee said...

hahahaha! hilarious!

Is it true that goats can climb up onto your roof? A former goat owner told me that once.

Nonflammable said...

!Spassoso! They are cute. I hear they will eat anything, including the clothes right off a person.

Angry Julie Monday said...

LMAO the humping goats...I got a really bad visual from this post.

Herding Cats said...

Best story EVER!

McVal said...

LOL! We had a hobby farm and we raised goats once too. The babies were so cute! But we sold them. The mother eventually died and my mom had Matilda butchered. When we found out what we were eating that night, I almost barfed... then stopped eating it.

Devan Geselle. N said...

hahah awee!
those goats are so precious!

Michele Renee said...

I would have never thought of it till now but my mom had one of those hanging in her shower too. The bag was red.
Vodka Logic's comment reminded me of that scene in the movie Parenthood. Great movie.

Dandy said...

I really didn't see that one coming at all!!

i am playing outside said...

i thought my life was pretty hilarious, but i totally wish i had your life. you are amazing.

on a sort of related note, i find your writing style very similar to that in the book Where We Have To Go by Lauren Kirshner, which I started reading recently and is quite enjoyable. its about the humour of a family going through a divorce. maybe something for you to pick up the next time you're in the mood to read?

Simone said...

OMG!!!! I am laughing so hard....love the names Knick Knack and Paddy Whack too....hilarious!

Char said...

O.M.G. Freaking hilarious

kyslp said...

That is the most hilarious blog post I have read in a long time.

My mom had one of those contraptions, too.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Hilarious post! My family has always had goats...they're freakin' obnoxious. The kids love them though...

kyslp said...

I just nominated you for Five Star Friday. I urge everyone reading this to do the same!

Smooches

Pricilla said...

ah hem!
Being a goat I take certain exception to some of your comments. We goats are very dignified creatures.

I mean seriously, have you seen HUMAN SEX? What is up with THAT?

When I dance the rhumba with Luke the goat it is not undignified or noisy at all. At least on my part. Luke has his issues....

ladytruth said...

My sister had a goat a few years ago at her house. I think it was a robot because what goat in its right mind would eat tyres of a car? Her favorite place to bark (she thought she was a dog) was on top of my sister's car which left all kinds of teeny tiny dents on the bonnet. She was pretty cute, though.

Susan Berlien (warmchocmilk) said...

So funny! The goeats are cute! Good lessons for the kids to have goats around... maybe.....oh on second thought, maybe not.

Mrs Montoya said...

OH.MY.GOD. JennyMac. I have no idea where you come up with this stuff but I love it. Who knew there was such a thing as pygmy goats?!?! Laughing and learning all at the same time. You are a master!

Kristina P. said...

Wow. This is hilarious.

And I can't even think of what kind of feminine cleaning system would look like a goat feeder!

Emily said...

OMG that is too funny! and really random that you had goats.

Alicia said...

bwahahahahaaa!! oh no!! seriously that is just foul!!! i'm not sure which is worse, the horny goats or the mama's musnttouchit cleaner! yikes!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

OMGosh that would so be something my kids would do to me! I would have spit my wine across the table!

The goats are foo cute!

Lisa and Laura said...

Knick Nack and Paddy Wack are killing each other? Priceless. Just priceless.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I've heard what you do to your parents, your kids do to you in SPADES.

Expect some humiliation.

Charisse and Holly said...

Great post. Why exactly did our moms feel the need to have a "cleaning system"? Such a strange era. My husband asked the other day why a woman would put salad dressing in her hoo hoo. I said.."it's vinegar and water...not vinegar and oil!" Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

obladi oblada said...

Well then....I used to only see Pygmy goats as really adorable little creatures that I have always wanted to have...now I will think of them as sex crazed maniacs. Thanks for that. Hilarious!!!

Wicked Bitch, Latina Fatale said...

I had goats once and they are so high maintenance. Some coyotes ate my two.

M-Cat said...

Holy crap, this is the funniest blog I have read today! Every at the office around me is wondering why I am crying with tears and crossing my legs trying not to pee myself!!

Grand Pooba said...

Dear god you had an interesting childhood!! I'm surprised you turned out as well as you did, and quite frankly, I'm a little sick of hearing about your mom's beaver!

;o)

LOL!

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness, that is hilarious! Those goats really are so cute though!!

jules said...

This is really funny! You were so innocent too! Love it!

A Year on the Grill said...

you kill me

Alice in Wonderland said...

I just called over from Kyslp's site to say Hi to everyone...and I ended up almost laughing my socks off!
We once had a goat, and this goat would eat everything...even the washing off the clothes line! One day it was choking, so, as I live on a sort of a farm, the vet had happened to be there that day, so he had a look at the goat, and here was a pair of my Grandmothers "Briget Jones" type of underwear caught around the animals back teeth, causing it to choke. Luckily, the were retrieved, but not in one piece...and, as if by magic, the goat had vanished by the time I got home from school!

Sparkling Red said...

I've always loved goats, but perhaps it's best to enjoy them as someone else's responsibility. Goat feeder indeed! :-)

Vivienne said...

That reminds me of the scene in Parenthood where Steve Martin finds Diane Wiest's vibrator. (It's an electric ear cleaner...)
LMAO

My mom bought a goat when I was little. (We were zoned for horses) I hated that damn thing. It was frikkin MEAN!

Tsquared417 said...

That story's a keeper!!

blueviolet said...

I'd be revisiting that story all the time! That's hilarious!

Jen said...

Wow. Thats all I can say, Wow.

Mommy Mac said...

Crap, Jenny.


I mean damn.

You are a hoot.

I have the whole story visualized so nicely in my head. I can even see your dripping wet hair slinging side to side as you go in for a$% beating!!!

You are too much!!!

.mac :)

Pop and Ice said...

OH MY GOD! That's too freakin hilarious! And one of my favorite rhymes - With a knick-nack paddy-whack give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home!

Jenny.Lee said...

...at least they are ADORABLE. :)

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I'd never heard of pygmy goats before. They're adorable!

Kelsey Claire said...

I had to read that one a couple of times it was so funny!

Sarah Maizes said...

That is HILARIOUS!!!!! So funny!

Unknown Mami said...

Very very funny!

Pumpkin Delight said...

Wonderful story! Those goats ARE cute, but I don't think worth the trouble.

Matthew said...

Tragic to admit, but I am here to bow at your altar for use of the word 'proclivity' rather than go 'goat sex - snigger snigger'.

Getting waaay too old.

Georgina said...

Wow, your neighbourhood had some pretty liberal zoning by-laws. Those goats are just too cute! - G

ByDSea said...

That is one of the funniest things I have heard...."Knick Knack is killing Paddy Whack....Great story!
Cheers!
C

Janet said...

Oh this is cracking me up! The little goats in the picture sure are cute. Who would know they could be so much trouble?

Leah Rubin said...

Awesome-- you got burned twice-- ouch! You made such a stellar recovery, too!

Seriously-- goat feeder? I love it! (I wouldn't have known either-- I was SO sheltered for a very long time...)

hotpants™ said...

You're making this up, right? Ahahahahahaha!