Friday, October 30, 2009

How you (almost) met my mother


One year, back during my pre- JennyMac stage of life, my Mom flew into Atlanta for a week to visit. I planned a surprise weekend trip to Nashville. We grew up listening to Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash so I knew my Mom would truly love to visit. I was already a fan.

The road trip there was too much fun, the weather flawless, my Mom on Cloud 9 being there. After getting situated in our hotel, we decide to stop off and have a refresher. We perch at the bar at Tootsie's and order.

A large man seated next to us was growing impatient waiting for his drink, and waving his money at the bartender. I was enjoying my libation too much and told him I thought that trick ineffective anywhere but TV. He laughed in a scruffy, scrappy sort of way and told me he didn't think I could get a drink any faster.

Oh. Are you challenging me to a duel, sir?

Any woman can get a drink from a male bartender before a large man waving money can. I would like to think it was all charm and sophistication. No. Basic social economics.

He was so delighted that he bought us a round. And then he sort of gave me the hey little buddy punch in the arm. Except he was a giant. And his fist was larger than my quadricep. And he was wearing a huge Bowl ring from the U of Alabama, which incidentally looked neat indented into my arm. After I recovered, he kept buying. And kept buying. There was simply no way for us to keep up with him.

Eventually we surrendered. And then escaped. Oh, it was a hot time in the ol' town that night. As we cavorted around. Or, as I cavorted around town with my Mom, many an antic was introduced. My mom's least favorite is the following:

My mom is gorgeous. She looks like my sister in a smashing, classy way. She is also far less the extrovert. She has been divorced for years and while I am sure she has many a gentlemen caller, she keeps her business to herself. That evening, she met a handsome cat, long and lean in his Wranglers, topped with a giant Stetson. For my mom, the owner of several horses, Stetson is a favorite word.

Nearing the point of collapse from being overserved, I decide to walk the block to our hotel room. My mom declines to escort me. I am sure I quizzed her. I think I said things like "Are you sure? Is that safe? You two better be good!" Why did I do this? Who knows. She is after all, grown, in a huge public place, and not exactly having her first chitty chat with a suitor. And why would I be questioning her? Again, WHO KNOWS. The only thing shinier than my halo was the hypocrisy in which I shrouded it.

I return to the room. And apparently start making big, important decisions.

I called my Mom on her cell. About ten times. I told her I thought she needed to come home. I am CERTAIN this was entertaining to her. And Stetson too. She said she would be back to the room shortly. I graciously impatiently waited an appropriate and lengthy interval four minutes before dialing again.SAFETY FIRST I chortled. What further safety did she need? Proving children can serve as a buzzkill long past childhood.

My Mom finally returned. I believe I yammered on about chastity. I believe she told me she would get me back.

But she didn't need to. Because the tango between Mr. Giant-Alabama-Ring-Beer-Cartel and various other antics caused me to be in one of my all time most painful hangovers of my life the next day.

Who had the last laugh? My Mom. And why is that? Well, that will be saved for another post.

Sorry Mr. Hot Stetson that you couldn't spend more time making my Mom's acquaintance. She is an amazing person. I know you gave her your number. I think that piece of paper was a casualty of war. Yes, I do think it non too classy to be lit up like a Vegas casino when supposedly spending quality time with your parent. Thank you for pretending I was a joyful comedic delight.

Sorry Mom. If you were ever curious what is meant by Hot Mess; Example A: your daughter this night in Nashville.

And if you were never curious what is meant by c*ckblocking well, too late.
DITTO on Example A

63 comments:

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Hit 40 said...

Very fun trip with you mom!! Outstanding that you can pal around as friends. I am glad that you got your mom back to the hotel. I probably never would have left her because I am a big time worrier!

the walking man said...

Now you see why I never go out with my own kids.

af1blog said...

Love that post! Oh, JennyMac, it's a female thing (mostly). Women so often seem to need to mother someone - if not their kids, then seemingly anyone will do - even their mother, or father (and I've been on the receiving end of THAT).

Secretia said...

You and your hottie mom pal made that bar come alive, and Mr Bigman had many fond mammaries, make that memmories!

Secretia

Laoch of Chicago said...

It is always good to be a source of amusement for your mom.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

How fun!! Sounds like me and my mom in NYC...minus the men...add some broadway...take away the booze...okay..not so much like me and my mom, but we still had fun.

Midtown Girl said...

Yay for hottie moms!! Your mom sounds like a firecracker - so fun & full of life - cherish her!!

XOXO
Amy

Joshua said...

And this is why, even at 29, I don't drink around my parents. Mostly because they're not big drinkers, but also because I just don't want to be drunk around them. I let my brother take care of that one.

-Joshua

Mala said...

LMAO! That's fabulous!!!

Christina Lee said...

I always wished for that kind of relationship--something to treasure!!

A Year on the Grill said...

The post rocks... Aren't Mothers fun once you reach their maturity level... And even more fun once you pass them... Reminds me of when my mom called me and told me that she had been living with a man for three months... But that's another story

My name is PJ. said...

Moms are always keep an eye and ear open for fodder...to be used when you least expect it...and, plus, too, repeatedly!

The Peach Tart said...

Sounds like a fabulous weekend. I think I would love your Mama.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Fun post! Shout out to your hot mom!

melissa said...

Hahaha that is hilarious! You were like the drunk sorority girl with your ma lol :). And I thought I would never hear the phrase, I c@ckblocked my mom... thank you. :)

Cee said...

That story makes me very glad my mother is still married to my father. I don't think I could handle being in a situation like that with her!

sas said...

i'm laughing and crying! my mum was very hot too, and much more introverted than i. we never had a drunken night in vegas but i suspect she would have behaved exactly as your mom :)
i miss her every day.

Badass Geek said...

As a guy, I always tip female servers or bartenders more than male servers or bartenders. Subconsciously, though.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I love Nashville. When we visited there last summer, my wife and I fell in love right away. Well, with the city. We've been married nine years now. Falling in love has kind of gone the way of "Oh, hey, new Dirty Jobs is on".

kys said...

Your mom sounds as wonderful as you.

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny...a role reversal moment!

Emily said...

*eye roll* yeah, those Alabama fans are soooo classy. hehe.
If I went out w/ my mom...I'm pretty sure I'd be the one getting some kind of lecture. What a rockin' mom you have!

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, that's just a gorgeous, delicious story! You cockblocked your MOM, dude!

Scrappy Girl said...

I am a sucker for a stetson too!

Nonflammable said...

How fun; girls/ladies night out with mom. Sounds like mom is young at heart.

I look forward to reading what I can assume is your humbling in the next chapter.

Life with Kaishon said...

Your Mom sounds so lovely : ) How could she not be lovely to have a daughter like you! Hilarious story!

Charisse and Holly said...

I'm trying to picture doing this with my mom...and all I see is awesome cookies, warm blankets, and a movie. Yeah, I don't think it will ever happen. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Michael Rivers said...

Great story!! We gotta do what we gotta do. LOL

Kimi said...

Oh my...I love it. My mom is a hottie too. People are always asking if we are sisters, which she LOVES.

Ley said...

I wish my mother were that entertaining. She also does not sound nearly as hot as yours. Hmm.. Can we trade for even a day?

Ley
http://overzealousley.blogspot.com/

Herding Cats said...

You two sound like a fabulous duo!

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

What a hoot...you got yourself some liquid sassy! Not your fault though, you didn't drink too much...you were overserved.

Love that!!

Dumblond said...

You drunk dialed your mom! That is always good for embarassing stories when everyone has sobered up. I can honestly say I have never drunk-dialed either of my folks...but my dad drunk dialed me once. That phone is just all kinds of awkward.
Another great post!

secret agent woman said...

Wow. And your mother forgave you for that?

Being Pramoda... said...

hi jennyy..thanks for sharing this experience..:)

and ur mother is lovelyyy.:)

Reins In Seattle said...

I am howling laughing remembering that good time. The drive down, singing in the car, the guy that held up the sign in his truck that said “I Want to Go Where You Are Going”! The Johnny Cash Memorial and you on the evening news! Remember the hat store where the clerk said to you “I know you I saw you on the news last night”!! AND who could forget the two generations of preachers we had brunch with the morning after the night before. Thank you for all the great laughs and memories. I forgive you for the “blocking” and “blogging” Love you! Mom

Sunshine In The City said...

I've really been enjoying your blog! This post was great because I've had a few drunk nights out with my mom too (I was the drunk one in all instances, lol).

mandatorybloghere said...

As many times as my mom has C*ck blocked me over the years. I would sooooo do the same. Which is probably why she goes out with her girlfriends rather than me
Love your blog

Pricilla said...

Do they not say, "what goes around, comes around?"

I would not know, I am a goat. But I have heard tales.

Kato said...

That, my friend, was pretty amazing.

Your mom should be proud of you, being all chaste and such a dear :)

Great post!

AnnQ said...

Now that's funny....c*ckblocking your own Mom! LOL!!

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Love it! Wish I could get my mom to go to a bar with me and get her all liquored up! It's kind of a goal of mine but it hasn't happened yet!

Lauren said...

LMAO!! Your mom is so cool!

Milltini said...

absolutely hilarious.

Eric said...

You are sooo responsible :)

Lisa and Laura said...

Dude, you c*ck blocked your mom? That is HARSH. But hilarious.

Quest said...

Go on. I'm learnin'.

DeNae said...

I've never been one for drinking, which is such a good thing because I have no doubt I'd be one of those weepy drunks. So instead of being sloshingly sweet and adorable, I'd have been draped all over my mom, nose running into her hair while I apologized liquidly for everything from those 22 hours of labor to dating that gay drummer in college, all the while threatening grave bodily harm to Stetson if he did anything to hurt my wonderful, perfect, saint of a mother.

I'm sure you handled things with far more decorum.

Heather said...

My mom would've turned her phone off!!

Then when she got back give me the lecture of my life!

Very funny post!

HalfAsstic.com said...

That? is hilarious! And the sweetest way I can possibly think of to define c*ckblocking.
So, did she ever hear back from the gentleman?

Simply Mel said...

Holy sh*t! I wish I had this term 'back in the day' - how awesome is c*ckblocking! I'm so going to use this even now...

Leah Rubin said...

Let's hear it for your mom! Glad you can see the humor in it now-- I bet she laughs about it, too.

Grand Pooba said...

Your mom needs to take my mom out on the town to find her a Stetson. But make sure YOU stay home.

Thanks so much.

confused homemaker said...

You and your mom have had some pretty good times, eh? Or at least good for me to read about :P

Tsquared417 said...

Go MommaMac!!

blueviolet said...

Crashin' your mom's party...I woulda done the same thing.

Nyx said...

Wow, you are waaay more comfortable with your mother than I am with mine.

My mother had sex exactly two times. Once to conceive me...and once to conceive my sister.

CatLadyLarew said...

Please forward my contact info to Mr. Stetson, since you made your mother give him up and all!

M-Cat said...

I love your stories!!

Ali said...

Sigh...nothing quite like mother-daughter bonding time...haha!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Rolling over here.......just rolling!!!

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