Pool Rules

Because summer slides on through October in the South, we are still able to access our pool. Love it. Our pool is private and within our gated community therefore, we know most of the other pool guests as neighbors and most of them are great. We are homeowners to this is not the decadent apartment dwelling from days gone past. However, we are certainly not free of a wayward soul or two.

Since we are still sneaking in a few pool days here and there, might I share a few suggestions regarding code of conduct with others who come calling on the pool.

First, I realize most of the people who need a little rule reminder don't live here. Even more reason that you better be an excellent guest. Oh, I will even go into detail regarding the LARGE SIGN covering the basic regulations, because it is just expected most of those are completely ignored. But just for fun, here are some tips gleaned from my summer experience at our pool.

And it is further proof that just a few people can make a BIG difference.

Hey fellas. It is outstanding that you are snagging more tail than a mousetrap. You know who would like to kindly pass on details of your escapades? Me and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE POOL. Oh, I know the clown posse you are with loves it. Especially the one with has his hat on sideways. Hey, N'Sync, no one over 22 should wear their hat sideways. Welcome back from 2001.

And while Vinnie Chase and crew openly talk about "banging" chicks, they are characters on television. And hot. Doesn't work for you. I am quite confident you can not live here unless you are also selling that GHB you are using to capture your victims so hopefully your older brother, sister, or parents will return from vacation soon and you will be on your way.

PS: Since there are many people in this neighborhood with kiddos, we get a big kick out of it when you say loudly "I just love hanging at the pool and getting sh*tty." Getting sh*tty has a whole new meaning to us. We are snickering and it isn't with you.

Hey ladies. I wanted to be a stripper too once. Just kidding. But you are not. No one actually wears thong bikinis unless you are European, a SuperModel, or visiting South Beach. Seems just a touch out of place in a concrete jungle. Please use some restraint.

And to the girls in their bikinis sitting cross-legged on your chairs, use decorum ladies. In a short sentence: Not magazine cover worthy. I am quite confident you are just visiting so hopefully your older brother, sister, or parents will return from vacation soon and you will be on your way.

And perhaps you could wear what you liked if you were not also openly and loudly discussing all the men who want to "tap that".

PS: I heard the aforementioned clown posse treats women with great respect. Your future boyfriend you will cheat on knight in Ed Hardy armour could be just a few chaise lounges away right now.

Smokers: I am sure your cigarettes are tasty. What could possibly be more refreshing than a cigarette when its 99 degrees out. And I don't care if anyone smokes. However, maybe an ashtray would serve you well. The cement upon which many feet tread upon isn't even shaped like an ashtray. But for some reason, that is where all of your cigarette butts have made a home.

To everyone who loves to bring their music along. OH, I'm down. I am all about some great music at the pool. What constitutes great pool music? A healthy variety from Dave Matthews to Jimmy Buffett and 80's retro. What does NOT qualify as good pool music? Songs that talk about licking your lollypop, backing that arse up, or any song that has a title full of misspellings like Stick it WIT U. Baby Got Back? All for it. Songs that talk about your pencil and where you want to put it...ummmm, no.

Poolside Picnic-ers: I am all for a little al fresco dining. This is likely the genesis behind including a huge grill at the pool. Clean up after yourselves. The maids won't do it but the ants might. I don't like ants. And there is no stockboy here to call "Clean up on aisle two" for you either. Don't be a pig, pretty please.

Oh, and the people who wanted to eat chicken wings? In the pool? That's is an awesome idea. WHOOPSIE...one got left in there. As if the slick sheen floating on top of the pool wasn't enticing enough, I will take my "refreshing dip" without a side of Buffalo sauce.

And finally, I realize not everyone likes children. I get it, I really do. However, children live here too. Our son is awesome. He is not like the kids who were eating their (*)!@&^ doritos IN the pool with parental supervision no where in sight. Some people don't care what their kids do. Most of the other people here do. Therefore, keep your eye rolling to the minimum when you see children coming to the pool. Your at the pool because it is the furthest distance you could drag your lazy hungover arse without needing an IV. You just want peace and quiet I know. Kids expressing their jubilance at the pool irritates your delicate constitution. Mmmm hmmm.

It's going to be challenging to make the kids less excited since the pool is good time jamboree for them. Guess what? Your couch is the ideal spot for you to dry out your kidney. The sun won't help. And since our kiddos have not yet learned about "all night benders" perhaps resist breathing in their direction. Your breath alone could give alcohol poisoning.

See how easy that is? See you next weekend.