Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pool Rules

Because summer slides on through October in the South, we are still able to access our pool. Love it. Our pool is private and within our gated community therefore, we know most of the other pool guests as neighbors and most of them are great. We are homeowners to this is not the decadent apartment dwelling from days gone past. However, we are certainly not free of a wayward soul or two.

Since we are still sneaking in a few pool days here and there, might I share a few suggestions regarding code of conduct with others who come calling on the pool.


First, I realize most of the people who need a little rule reminder don't live here. Even more reason that you better be an excellent guest.
Oh, I will even go into detail regarding the LARGE SIGN covering the basic regulations, because it is just expected most of those are completely ignored. But just for fun, here are some tips gleaned from my summer experience at our pool.

And it is further proof that just a few people can make a BIG difference.

Hey fellas. It is outstanding that you are snagging more tail than a mousetrap. You know who would like to kindly pass on details of your escapades? Me and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE POOL. Oh, I know the clown posse you are with loves it. Especially the one with has his hat on sideways.
Hey, N'Sync, no one over 22 should wear their hat sideways. Welcome back from 2001.

And while Vinnie Chase and crew openly talk about "banging" chicks, they are characters on television. And hot. Doesn't work for you. I am quite confident you can not live here unless you are also selling that GHB you are using to capture your victims so hopefully your older brother, sister, or parents will return from vacation soon and you will be on your way.


PS:
Since there are many people in this neighborhood with kiddos, we get a big kick out of it when you say loudly "I just love hanging at the pool and getting sh*tty." Getting sh*tty has a whole new meaning to us. We are snickering and it isn't with you.

Hey ladies. I wanted to be a stripper too once. Just kidding. But you are not. No one actually wears thong bikinis unless you are European, a SuperModel, or visiting South Beach. Seems just a touch out of place in a concrete jungle. Please use some restraint.

And to the girls in their bikinis sitting cross-legged on your chairs, use decorum ladies. In a short sentence: Not magazine cover worthy.
I am quite confident you are just visiting so hopefully your older brother, sister, or parents will return from vacation soon and you will be on your way.

And perhaps you could wear what you liked if you were not also openly and loudly discussing all the men who want to "tap that".

PS: I heard the aforementioned clown posse treats women with great respect. Your future boyfriend you will cheat on knight in Ed Hardy armour could be just a few chaise lounges away right now.

Smokers: I am sure your cigarettes are tasty. What could possibly be more refreshing than a cigarette when its 99 degrees out. And I don't care if anyone smokes. However, maybe an ashtray would serve you well. The cement upon which many feet tread upon isn't even shaped like an ashtray. But for some reason, that is where all of your cigarette butts have made a home.

To everyone who loves to bring their music along. OH, I'm down. I am all about some great music at the pool. What constitutes great pool music? A healthy variety from Dave Matthews to Jimmy Buffett and 80's retro. What does NOT qualify as good pool music? Songs that talk about licking your lollypop, backing that arse up, or any song that has a title full of misspellings like Stick it WIT U. Baby Got Back? All for it. Songs that talk about your pencil and where you want to put it...ummmm, no.

Poolside Picnic-ers: I am all for a little al fresco dining. This is likely the genesis behind including a huge grill at the pool. Clean up after yourselves. The maids won't do it but the ants might. I don't like ants. And there is no stockboy here to call "Clean up on aisle two" for you either. Don't be a pig, pretty please.

Oh, and the people who wanted to eat chicken wings? In the pool? That's is an awesome idea. WHOOPSIE...one got left in there. As if the slick sheen floating on top of the pool wasn't enticing enough, I will take my "refreshing dip" without a side of Buffalo sauce.

And finally, I realize not everyone likes children. I get it, I really do. However, children live here too. Our son is awesome. He is not like the kids who were eating their (*)!@&^ doritos IN the pool with parental supervision no where in sight. Some people don't care what their kids do. Most of the other people here do. Therefore, keep your eye rolling to the minimum when you see children coming to the pool. Your at the pool because it is the furthest distance you could drag your lazy hungover arse without needing an IV. You just want peace and quiet I know. Kids expressing their jubilance at the pool irritates your delicate constitution. Mmmm hmmm.

It's going to be challenging to make the kids less excited since the pool is good time jamboree for them. Guess what? Your couch is the ideal spot for you to dry out your kidney. The sun won't help. And since our kiddos have not yet learned about "all night benders" perhaps resist breathing in their direction. Your breath alone could give alcohol poisoning.

See how easy that is? See you next weekend.

88 comments:

My name is PJ. said...

Part Two of upcoming JM book, "Manners For All You Morons", by Jenny Mac.

You kill me every. single. day. ;)

J.J. in L.A. said...

This makes me glad that I've always had a backyard pool. I won't even go into the ocean because I'm deathly afraid of what people leave in it.

af1blog said...

And if you ask them to behave nicely so as not to be TOO disturbing to the people who actually LIVE there and jointly OWN the pool, they feel "disrespected". What's THAT about? :)

Mary-Jane said...

Oh lordy I am glad I don't have to share my pool. Hold on... teenagers friends all now have cars.. listen to crap music and have little manners. I am about to gate my community!

The Peach Tart said...

Oh JennyMac you always make me laugh with your great wry sense of humor. This post could have come right out of my head as I've experienced the same thing. I could never imagine acting like some of today's youth. My Mama would have knocked me out.

Liz said...

Ok, so from someone who lives near and goes to South Beach...trust me, the thongs are icky even there. Can we make them a lingerie rule instead?

Little Ms Blogger said...

Eating buffalo wings in a pool? Using the cement as an ashtray?

Just because you're outside doesn't mean you get to throw manners out the window....

Can't people be banned for bad behavior at the pool?

Buckeroomama said...

Eating Doritos and chicken wings in the pool? How handy to be able to just dip hands in the pool to wash off crumbs and sauce... Eww.

Jules said...

I could barely read past the 1st paragraph because all I read was "accessing pool in October...." and I am thinking about standing outside for bus duty freezing my ass off.....

Disliking you right now.

Deboshree said...

Lord!
That was amazing!
I wonder what a scene it would make if you actually told all of this on their faces..hehe..would have been a scene worth waiting for!
As usual, I am AGAIN going to say that I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE.

Cheers
Deboshree

the walking man said...

EEyup...That is why my kids when young never went to a public pool, but goodness that lawn sprinkler sure got a children friendly workout from the kids in the hood.

kyslp said...

"knight in Ed Hardy" - Snort! Picturing Jon Gosselin hanging out at your pool trying to tap those thong wearing girls and eating chicken wings in the pool.

Jen said...

This is why I refrain from public pools outside of a resort. Smoking, yuck. And the greasy chicken wings, that would have pretty much done me in.

Simone said...

Brilliantly funny....am still laughing at your paragraph about the music choices of these lovely pool-dwellers!!

Lauren said...

I am suddenly so thankful for the pool in my backyard!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Sounds like our club, but it's the men in thongs and the women eating wings and talking about tapping that with their fake boobs hanging out.

AnnQ said...

Oh. My. Lord. I can't believe people were eating IN the pool ! Beyond gross...

And thongs? Wow....is it Ft. Laurderdale circa 1986?

Shorty said...

You MUST print this out, in really large text, and post it at the entrance. Or, have copies ready for distribution as people come thru the gate. I would love to read about some of the expressions as the overly confident poolside regulars read about themselves. You could watch for them and then write a follow-up post!

Great topic & writing style as usual, my friend!!!

stepfabulous said...

Ahhhhh the beauty of having a pool right in my back yard, surrounded by 4 acres, where no one can intrude, be rude or offend moi (UNLESS I INVITE THEM OVER ANYWAYS!) LOL

Dan. said...

After a visit to the US in April, I had exactly the same experience that you have just described at our own hotel. Sadly went at the wrong time of year.

Spring Break.

The pool side resembled the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, but with more bikinis.

otherworldlyone said...

You are a trip.

Thank gawd for the huge lake.

Lisa Anne said...

Makes me feel old. lol

Heather said...

OMG I couldn't agree more. You left out the douche-y teenagers. :) I suppose that's a blog post in and of itself.

Emily said...

Ugh. I HATE when I see people eating in the pool. I always secretly hope they choke on their chicken-wing. I've always been thankful that my parents have a pool in their backyard!!

Scrappy Girl said...

Gee...where do you live? I think that is a freak overload and somewhere on the sign there is probably a freak to normal person ratio.

Michael Rivers said...

I'm getting more and more amazed at how oblivious so many people are when it comes to their surroundings. So rude.

If you invite me to the pool, I will be nice. I'll even bring my own towel!

Cee said...

Ewww...people are so gross. Fourtunatly the only people who go to my apartment complex's pool are old Russians. And they don't make much noise!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

This is probably the reason we have never set foot anywhere near our community's pool. I'm too cranky to put up with crap.

darsden said...

That is a beautiful pool, I am a lil jealous about now ;-)

Vodka Logic said...

Did we have a bad day at the pool...you hit the nail on the head though. Seen the types in various places and never welcome.

Why Me? has added to the story you commented on and she was completely thrilled btw...as was I
xx

Nonflammable said...

I watched a lady (biy%$#h) at the pool at the Marriot have a complete meltdown because mine and several other kids were laughing, playing and splashing, messing up her hair and relaxation time.

She was very verbal and loud. A guy told her she should get out of the pool if she didn't want to get wet. She then tossed her alcoholic drink in his face.

It was Jerry Springer worthy material.

Badass Geek said...

Yeah, I don't think I'd enjoy the company at your pool. I'll pass.

CatLadyLarew said...

Just when you think people couldn't be bigger clods, they invite themselves to your pool to make asses of themselves. Time to weed out the gene pool.

Mrs Montoya said...

Cracking up - always. Love the three ring circus that you capture every single day!

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, you do paint a picture...

Intense Guy said...

I dont even wanna get started on this...

LOL... I'm not all curmudgeon.

I'm just envious you can still use the pool when the one I use has been closed up for a month.

Slamdunk said...

Don't forget the 30 something guy showing off for his kids and doing the mega-splash cannonball in the deep end. Oops self incrimination...

Barbaloot said...

Wow-I'm just feeling so sorry for myself right now that I don't live in your same complex. Sounds like a blast:)

Kristina P. said...

What's the problem with songs about licking lollipops? Lollipops are delicious! ;)

obladi oblada said...

I honestly did lol at this!! Another reason to not like people in general...oh, by the way I left you an award at my blog:)

Nyx said...

Man, you have all the good times at your pool. At our pool it was all "no splashing" "no yelling" "no having fun"...oh wait...I may have inferred that last one.

I understand that there are adults who are trying to relax at the pool.

They should understand that it is the children's right to disturb that relaxation with joyous laughter and frolicking. It's a pool, not a hot tub.

blueviolet said...

But how boring would it be if all of this riffraff didn't go to the pool!

Rebecca Knight said...

"'knight in Ed Hardy' - Snort! Picturing Jon Gosselin hanging out at your pool trying to tap those thong wearing girls and eating chicken wings in the pool."

This quote both made me laugh out loud and want to hurl at the same time :). Thanks for that mental image!

Lola Lakely said...

You win the award for the funniest post so far today. I loved it, and I laughed something crazy. "Hey, N'Sync, no one over 22 should wear their hat sideways. Welcome back from 2001. " was my favorite line. Hands down. You rock JennyMac

AmyK said...

Jon Goslin has moved to your community? I am so sick of those Ed Hardy wanna bes. I too share a pool at our Condo community. Over half are retirees so that does help somewhat. I have the 65 year old anerectic, leather tanned hide in a gold bikini however. She's out at her corner from daylight to dark with her cigerettes, opinions, and cussing like a _______. There is always someone to spoil things.

Kaela said...

I found your blog through Mandy's Life After 30, thought I'd check out my fellow award winners. I'm so glad I did! I'm thoroughly enjoying your posts, I find your sense of humor and style quite similar to mine. Can't wait for more!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

I feel like I know some of these people, like they're the same ones who are always at the movie theater I go to - they sure do get around.

Seriously, though, I just don't know what possesses people - eating in the pool sounds just about like the most digusting thing I can imagine. Just. Ew.

mo.stoneskin said...

*subtly straightens cap*

I think you should become a state governor or a president.

golden girl said...

what a fun and interesting group of people you have at your pool. i could sit for hours people watching and judging. enjoy the rest of the pool season. take care.

Chief said...

we have this european guy who is the hairiest man I have ever seen. He has a beer gut and wears a speedo. He is there every day laying out.

Tere Kirkland said...

Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh today!

M-Cat said...

Yep. It's definite.
My 22 year old son and his "posse" should not be coming to your pool as he and his crew would break most of the aforementioned rules. His winner of a girlfriend would too......

Thanks for the laugh. I practically pictured him and all "his" during the entire post!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Talk about good family fun! That is priceless or wait ... hmmm the word aludes me now.

I think I'm stick in my rap CD, throw my hat side ways, let my muffin top hang over my thong that are really undies but who can tell the difference, grab me a chicken in one hand and a cig in the other and ponder of this. Yup I just don't get the problem ... LOL just playing ;)

Simply Mel said...

My gag reflux kicked in with the chicken wing eating in the pool!

JenJen said...

I enjoy the folks who wear T shirts, that when wet,cling to their shapely bodies for my viewing pleasure.

JennyCrack said...

Just beyond dire.

Bruce said...

The general level of decorum in today's society leaves much to be desired. I am forever amazed that in my efforts to be more 'green' and less polluting, I rid the bus to work and I am always entertained at how the folks on public transportation will discuss 'anything' at the top of their voice, espeically if it is on a cell phone.

Charisse and Holly said...

Makes me sad I'm not visiting your pool. Sounds infinitely more fun than ours! Please invite me over...please! Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Hit 40 said...

My sister lives in one of these communities. It is not gated...

but they know who belongs at he pool and little clubhouse. The neighbors have no problems kicking out the rift raft. You need a bouncer to kick them out!! Her little community also pays for a renta cop who will pop by to personally kick them out for her.

Dumblond said...

umm...ewww! After all that, why would you ever go there again?! I lived in two different apartment complexes in my younger days, both had pools and hot tubs, but neither one of them had nasty visitors like that! icky.

Alice in Wonderland said...

Fully agree that you should have this printed out in big letters and put up beside your pool!
It's there for you to relax, not to stress you out!
As usual, I just love your writing! You really made me laugh, and I needed it today!Thank you so much for this!
It makes you wonder just what their homes are lie if hey treat other peoples property like this though!

MommaKiss said...

Being from the North I'm jealous of the extended pool days. I would so follow those rules.

Vivienne said...

This was hysterical and I feel the exact same way about people at the beach.

"...snagging more tail than a mousetrap..."

I am so stealing that and I'm NOT going to give you credit for it either!

Tsquared417 said...

If I'm allowed to come swim I promise no sideways hats, no uttering of "tap that" and no cigarteets. Promise.

Grand Pooba said...

Just tell them they better be respectin because there are starving children in Africa that don't have a pool. And me, I don't have a pool. But if I did, I'd obey the rules!

Mr. Charleston said...

Jenny Mac, I'm curious about your gated community? Most of them have a dedicated kids pool so as to separate same from recovering drunks and thereby avoid any misunderstands and unwarranted eye-rolling. Of course, then there's the community pools of the mobile home variety that usually only have one rule, usually posted on a gaudy red and white sign... "We don't swim in your toilet so please don't piss in our pool."
From your report, seems like the two communities aren't all that far apart.

Jeanie said...

I love the idea of printing your post and hanging it up at the pool. I also just loved reading anything about a pool today since it is snowing here. And I really love your blog picture.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I always know I'm going to leave here smiling. You never disappoint.

Hope I do the same for you - I've left you something on my blog. Come see me...

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I always know I'm going to leave here smiling. You never disappoint.

Hope I do the same for you - I've left you something on my blog. Come see me...

♥ Braja said...

Private pools? I think so....:))

Leah Rubin said...

Yeah, people and their manners-- I can't get over it! Such a shortage of common sense and common courtesy. We don't want to see what you've got, hear about your conquests (mostly imaginary i would guess) or listen to misogynistic or violent songs. Clean up after yourselves, I say!

Great message! Now I gotta go back and read all your other stuff I missed by being away this past week-- I missed your blog!

Erin said...

I just want the pool, what a perfect pic, when can I get that put into my back yard? =)

Little Ms J said...

I like to dry out my kidneys on the couch with a bottle of water and a bag of Corn Nuts, call me crazy.

ladytruth said...

I stay in a security complex and thus have to share a pool with a few others too. Luckily the youngest person there, beside my friends and I, is about 75. Can you imagine them making a back somersault entrance? Yip, neither can they :)

Jennifer said...

Wow. What happened to people and common sense? And oh, dressing like a stripper. *sigh* Honestly people. Honestly.

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'd have smoke coming outa my ear's. What twat's.

Hey the shoes are on my sidebar darlin'. This style looks fab with all different looks ;)
xxxx

Michelle (hometc) said...

Very funny. If you ever come to Vegas, avoid staying at the Hard Rock or The Palms, their pools are crawling with these!

Shop Girl* said...

First things first--I need to move where you are. Seriously. How is it even possible that you are still in use of your pool? I had to pack up all my sandals last weekend as there is a chance of SNOW this weekend. Oh, Canada...

Second, who are these idiots? Who would ever assume that a pool within a gated community would be anything but family friendly? Maybe they're just more ahead on new trend than the rest of us, perhaps everyone will be wearing thong bikinis eating chicken wings at the pool while smoking at baby aquafit next year. :)

ModernMom said...

This is the letter that should be posted by all the pools! LOL Well done:)

E @ Scottsville said...

Oh man, what are people THINKING????

I need to post something like this for our local McDonalds! The kids and I were in their eating the other day and you should've heard 'em. I gave these scarey lookin dudes a dirty look, and then I realized they didn't LIKE IT and they were pretty rude from then on. They were bigger' than me, but good grief. It's McDonalds! If you wanna act like that, go to HOOTERS or something! =0)

Great post!

Live.Love.Eat said...

A dip in the pool with a side of buffalo sauce. Sounds yummy. And the cigarette thing is beyond irritating. So glad my pool is in my backyard with my rules.

Whimsical Creations said...

LMAO! I think this should be posted at every pool.

Life with Kaishon said...

You are such a great blogger : ) I laugh and laugh and nod my head in agreement the whole way thru! And when I am all done reading and ready to click away, there is a HUGE smile on my face! : )

secret agent woman said...

There are some rules here that would apply in most public situations. Maybe you could print these p and post them everywhere.

Hannah Miet said...

People actually wear thongs at semi-public pools?!
Someone needs to kindly remind them that Sisquo was not singing about them. And just like the sideways hat dudes, it is not 2001.

Wonderful post, as always.

hotpants™ said...

Chicken wings at the pool? Geez!

Michelle said...

Well said! Some people really are jackasses. It is unfortunate we have to run into them in our day to day lives.

Brochure Printing said...

Sometimes it really sucks to deal with rude people. A little unfair to others who try hard to be nice but end getting, uh, flicked off.

Ugh. Smokers. They should live in a different world. Or at least be isolated in a faraway island. :D