Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Don Patron has an ugly cousin



Mr. Patron: I realize we crossed paths again recently. You seemed kind of interested in getting to know me. I can not reciprocate your feelings. While you tried to seduce me in Mexico, I ignored you. You winked at me over the 4th of July holiday party scene, but you will see that I am quite resistant. Oh, your lovely words of encouragement on my birthday fell on empty ears.

These lips shall never touch you. Admittedly, you are sleek and fancy, and considered by all to be top shelf. But alas, we shan't get familiar, and here are the reasons why.

You have some wretched compadres. Yes, perhaps far less stellar than you, but since you all share the same lineage in some form or fashion, I shall lump you all together. There is such a long list, I won't name names. However,

The absolute worst is your ugly cousin, Jose Cuervo. I detest him most of all. He knows I don't like him and neither of us really needs a refresher on why I don't like him, do we? In fact, I haven't liked him for a long, long time. Let me explain.

I met Jose the summer before my junior year in high school. My friend LL and I went down to watch a rowing event at the University of Washington and somehow ended up on Greek Row. Some boys from Kappa Sigma invited us in for a little early-afternoon Jimmy Buffett party. How could we resist. Older, handsome college boys with Jimmy Buffett? In the door we go. (Foolish, foolish girls).

Your cousin Jose Cuervo mixed himself into some frozen margaritas. A cooler, more delicious elixir I had never before consumed. Since wine coolers and light beer was the extent of my alcohol repertoire, the frozen marga-treat-a was divine. Jose told me one more wouldn't hurt. So I had one more. And then one more. Jose told me he tasted even better straight from the bottle. Oh, and since we told our hosts we were freshman in college, they assumed we were already savvy in the ways of Jose's hedonistic world. Jose said it wouldn't matter. He said we seemed sophisticated and mature. Never mind I tripped over a rug in my attempt to sashay over to a cute boy, Jose said no one even noticed.

Jose said he would refresh me. He told me I was pretty. And the best dancer. Ever.

Jose said to drink and dance. I did. Jose said that it was hot in here and why wear my sweater when a tank top is fine. I listened, oh so closely. Jose had a firm grip. And then, Jose turned against me. He told me to take a catnap. In the middle of the floor. Then he said goodbye.

I asked him to help me get home. He laughed and said he was too busy with other party guests. Jose let two other people carry me to my car and deposit me on the floorboard. LL had to drive us home.

Jose told me to open the door at a traffic light. In the middle of 45th. With hundreds of cars around, since this was the University District of Seattle after all. Jose told me the only way to feel better would be to crawl out of the car. And throw up. On the pavement. In the middle of one of the busiest intersections we could find. Then Jose told me to get in the car. But he didn't tell me I had barf on my shirt. LL pulled off on a residential side street. Jose told me how calming the sidewalk would feel on my face. He told me to lay down. He told me to let that dog lick my mouth.

I barely got back in the car. Jose didn't warn me that we would pass my parents. Jose merely laughed and said "Arriba! Arriba!"

My parents did pass us. And LL pulled over. My mom came STORMING to the car inquiring on my whereabouts. Jose didn't tell me to keep quiet. Jose told me to speak up. Share my thoughts. He said I sounded clear, crisp, intelligent. My mom looked at me, looked at LL, and asked what was going on. LL told her I was drunk. Thanks friend.

I tried to tell my mom about Jose. I tried to point him out. But he had disappeared. Left me with a sordid tale, bad breath, and a shirt I would be soon throwing away. Oh, and punishment.

I never saw him again that year or the next. And then, as a freshman in college, I saw him resurface. He must have followed me to a party. Me, all sunny and bright. He, with all his liquidy amber glow. He came onto me. He said he was delicious. He assured me he had changed. He said it would be different this time.

Jose Cuervo is a liar...

He asked me to dance and after ignoring him for hours, I gave in. He told me we would take it slow. LIAR LIAR LIAR. Jose told me drinking was fun but shots were better. He told me dancing was fun but dancing on tables was better. He said to play Thumper. He said to play Quarters. He said smoke cigarettes. He said I looked hot. He said I was the funniest girl in the world. He said play air guitar. He said pee in the front yard. He told me those photos of me drinking shots wouldn't matter, they would only make me laugh. Oh, Jose, he is one smooth talker.

I had a headache that lasted one month. I cursed him and the day I laid eyes on him. I saw him influence others to run naked and jump off roofs but not me. He tried to corner me on other occasions. I screamed in his face. He tried to up the ante by introducing me to his friends Don Julio and Dona Carlota. I spit on him. Jose Cuervo is a sadist. I will warn others.

And while I do make a fantastic margarita (just ask JohnnyMac), and while we stock Cabo Wabo in our house, I know better than to dip in myself. So Mr. Patron, your interest in me is a dead end. I am wise now. And tell your horrid cousin, Jose, I don't even want his aroma within 20 feet of me.

124 comments:

Passion Fruit said...

I guess we've all seen our share of Jose Cuervos at some point in life.

The Savage said...

Though the Cisco kid may be a friend of mine, Jose isn't.... Even Pancho drank wine... That tells ya something

Matthew said...

I met a similar figure, Mr White Horse, in 1988. We're not on speaking terms these days either.

Sunshinemeg said...

Dear Jose,

You are out of my life as well. Take that!

Meg

Great post! I was cracking up!

My name is PJ. said...

Choked on my coffee from laughing - all the way through. Write a book, self publish if you have to - I'll buy it!!!! You're one of the funniest out here and there are a lot of funny people, so that's quite a gift you have! Why, oh, why were you in Poughkeepsie in winter? Certainly not its finest hour! :)

Gin said...

That Jose! He makes his "rounds" doesn't he?

de said...

It's the details that can only come from true experience. You are hilarious! One of my regular haunts is Ted's Montana Grill, where they make a margarita with gin (my favorite mixer) that allows me to enjoy salty, limey perfection without the regrets.

the walking man said...

I do believe that is why he is called Joe Crow around these parts.

BUT now you have truly made me sad i did not go to college. You don't by any chance have any video of your dancing with old Joe Crow do you JennyM...I could live college vicariously through your past.

Besides that's what you get for not staying home with good old American Shine or Bourbon.

Mommy Mac said...

You see, I like it dirty.

Jose, come to my house to play!

.mac :)

Nora Johnson said...

I met a similar guy, Mr Stolichnaya, on a student trip to the former Soviet Union. Nearly got me locked up in the Kremlin... with Chernenko...

Still don't know which was worse...

xxxLOL LOLA:)
btw love your wit - am your newest follower!

a H.I.T. said...

And this is why Husby is not allowed to drink tequila. Ever.

The Peach Tart said...

Jose and I have been best of friends for years. We get along just fine. Well, unless you include that time in Key West. Oh wait a minute, there's also that time in San Diego. Maybe we've had a few misunderstandings but we really get along just fine.

Sami said...

Oh man, this post had me cracking up. Awesome!!

I can't staaaaand Cuervo either; that buttery cheap taste makes my stomach turn on first sip. Oh, and the headache it gives me... like thousands of elephants running through my head. Forever. Screw you, Jose!

Sabrina said...

Oh i have fond memories of the gang, love them all!

It's the goose and the kettle that have Absolut-ly kicked my butt and made me wish I was never born.
I hate them!

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst said...

Sorry about the breakup with Jose.
:-) So glad you visited my blog, have a great day!

Jenny @ Words on Wendhurst

Tammy Howard said...

Jose is a jackass. Don is a gentleman. I heart Don.

Slamdunk said...

Clever approach to your story--a great way to start the morning. Thanks.

Yankee Girl said...

Jose really is a fickle friend.

Patron is so much smoother than his cousin Jose, which I think makes him ten times as dangerous. I try so hard to stay away, but every once in a great while, I fall for their dirty little tricks and end up passing out on the ground in a parking garage in Chicago, which was three blocks from the garage where I actually parked my car.

Jen said...

And I thought I had the best Jose story, you beat me!

He is quite the smooth talker isn't he?

Have a great week!

Lauren said...

Jose seduced me in college too...and then left me hugging the porcelain throne alone. Rat bastard!

Katiesperk said...

Jose Cuervo is like a lot of my ex boyfriends. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Emily said...

haha! I think that's a mistake most of us have made! ;)

f8hasit said...

Jose and I have also had an affair. One that I awoke in a room not my own and vomited sand from the beach most of the next day.

Sand.
Really.

My friends and I tried to piece the evening together but it seems we had an orgy going with Jose, because they don't remember either.

What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico...until right now.
Ooops.
:-)

lov said...

i totally spit my drink out from laughing!

thanks for that!

confused homemaker said...

I stay away from all those guys, they never treat me well. I always wake up the next morning regretting the night before.

Suldog said...

I had a similar experience with a Greek gentleman name Ouzo. Seriously, I can't even whiff the stuff without getting nauseous.

ellen abbott said...

Ah, tequila...eet will make you do lots of stuff.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

That's odd...Jose has told me those things, as well. Except for the puking in Seattle thing. Instead, he told me to pass out with my hand in a big barrel of cheese balls...and then told me to remain sleeping while my friends took lots and lots of pictures of me.

In a separate and unrelated anecdote, I learned that, despite no historic animosity, Mexicans and Scottish folks don't get along. At least, not in my stomach.

Mandy said...

Jose makes me dance as bad as those women in that Coyote Ugly movie. So I'm guessing that Mr. Patron would have me reinacting that scene from Peewee Herman's big adventure when he slips on the white boots and struts among bikers at the bar. And well, that would be bad!

I'll stick with my vodka, my red wine and my fruity drinks. But today, it's just Benadryl and Nyquil - oh, how they leave my head spinning!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahahahaha! Oh dear. You too?

Jose Cuervo is like the redneck of tequila. He can be smooth and persuasive but ultimately he's loud and offensive and makes you talk funny after an hour in his company. He's still my tequila of choice for margaritas, however, but he knows who's boss nowadays. He will not mess with ME.

This post made me laugh like crazy. Because it's all so scarily FAMILIAR... :)

JenJen said...

JennyMac:
I LOVE this post. Jose and I are good friends. You have to show him who's boss. You do this by showing love to Don Patron only.
:)

A French Cloud said...

really? Jose made me a star while I was doing my best so-you-think-you-can-dance disco routine on top of the bar at Gin Mill while "Hot Legs" blared on the jukebox.You just have to know when to say "no way, Jose" when he asks for the pole dance.

Lisa and Laura said...

That Jose is a real bastard, but in our house we have bigger problems with this asshole called Johnny Walker.

That guy has gotten my husband in some MAJOR trouble. In fact, instead of a pre-nup I had him sign a contract that he'd never, ever bring Johnny around me. That bad. Trust me.

La Belle Mere UK said...

Luckily for me, I've never been seduced by Jose - just the smell of him makes me want to vomit. And he has worms in his bottom!

His friend Jack Daniels on the other hand..... oh Jack and me got up to some serious mischief!!....

B x

Kris said...

I enjoy Don Julio... and yes, Cuervo give me what I like to call Tequila Eye... Or Paris Hilton Eye... if you will!

otherworldlyone said...

Jose and I have a love/hate relationship. We can hang only after I've socialized with Jack for a few hours, and only in the form of shots. Without Jack's calming influence, Jose would have me humping bar stools...not that he doesn't still try from time to time. Sneaky bastard.

LOVED this post!!!

Bev said...

Hilarious!

I've had a fling or two with Jose, and he's definitely a swarthy scumbag with no moral fiber. He has encouraged me to do crazy, crazy things!

PS) Word verification: spankus. Coincidentally, that's something Jose convinced me to do once! Weird.

Deborah Godin said...

Oooh, my head and tummy hurt all over again (been there done that thrown out the T-shirt) just reading this, it's so vivid. And hilarious!

Kelly said...

Patron is an evil man. But Jose is worse.

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG I so love this post.

Jose is evil, but Patron, not as evil.

Patron dances with you and you don't have the headache that Jose so often leaves you as a party favor the next month.

I'd say try Patron, don't think he's anything like his mean-ass cousin. However, both are related soooooo....he could cause problems too.

Badass Geek said...

Tequila, you fiendish imp.

ModernMom said...

LOL This is hilarious! I wonder how many women Jose has convinced to dance in just their tank tops...or less!
Great great post!

Deboshree said...

Why hello there madam!
What an interesting life you seem to have!
I'm 18 and I have one experience where the drink turned my enemy but nothing as damaging as your experience. It sounds funny now but I know it wasn't funny then.
Glad you are over Jose and his blasted cousin!

Nice blog..you write well.By the way, even I am a fab-u-lous dancer!hehe..keep up the good work.

Cheers
Deboshree

Mom in High Heels said...

Oh, Jose. He is a naughty, naughty boy. He followed me around college too and made me do/say things that merely thinking of makes me cringe. He is no friend of mine. Bastard.

le chiquest said...

that was hysterical!

i have always been afraid to even cross paths with Jose in fear of having a few stories of my own to tell. phew!

Char said...

have you met Patron's rather handsome and very sexy cousin, Julio? ai yi yi - he's a smooth one

hotpants™ said...

I have a Jose story or two. I also have several vodka stories. For now, I'm keeping them to myself.

MommaKiss said...

Absolutely love the 'cartoon' at the end. Seriously. And it takes a LOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT of beer for me to do shots. Of anything. Even those sissy ones like buttery nipples or lemon drops. But a margarita? Mmmmmm.

KC said...

I agree Jose is an asshole. His stripper cousin Black Velvet is nothing to write home about either. This post was absolutely hilarious as were all of the comments.

Just Add Walter said...

this post was so funny!! jose is indeed a naughty naughty fella

Lady Di said...

Jose has put the rico suave moves on me as well. However, it's been nothing compared to the pillaging of my pal Capt. Morgan. This guy is dangerous because he's so sweeet and those drinks you make are so fruity and fluffy they can't possibly make you do anything as ridiculous as walk up behind your own bro-in-law and pinch his butt! OR sleep on your front porch using your sandals (actually it was sandal 'cause I lost one) as a pillow. OR pass out on the bed with my panty hose around my ankles (I was attempting to get undressed to put jammies on). So, don't worry Jenny Mac I think we all have our "black listed" drinking buddies.

foxy said...

Yeah, don't trust that Patron. He lied to me once too - just like Jose did to you. Said that my hair matched the mop bucket splendidly and I should lay in its comfortable embrace for hours.

I've started getting to know him again lately (our breakup WAS over 10 years ago, ya know), but I'm a little concerned about where the relationship is going. My eyes are wide open though... and I KNOW that my hair matches NOTHING having to do with mops.

La La La Leah said...

Dear JennyMac,

Thank you for that wonderful post. It was pretty awesome. I appreciate your time and efforts into writing such a great blog. I don't drink much but when I do I usually just have a rum and coke or something girly. From Seattle to Atlanta that is quite the move. Have a good day and watch out for Men of ill repute.


xoxoxo,
Leah

McVal said...

I'm friends with Bartels and James. They don't tend to let you down too badly. But Wow! Jose is one naughty guy! I'll watch out for him! lol!

AmyK said...

When you meet that special someone, and he hangs around with one name friends, Jim, Jack and Johnny, you know he is only looking for fun and games.

Grant said...

You may be able to appreciate them more if you do a few shots of Henry McKenna. It's a bourbon that would probably taste better as vomit, although I'm not willing to drink enough to find out.

Sprite's Keeper said...

*Sob*
Jose said the same thing to me! That rat bastard. Yo quiero el Cuervo? No mas!

Vodka Logic said...

Seems Jose gets around..bad boy.

Thanks for sharing humorous now.years later.

xx

headbitingprincess said...

LMAO !!! ROTF!!!
Yes, SI si si !!!
Jose is a slick trickster like that ..
oh and so is Jack Daniels !!! JD and I no longer are on speaking terms .. in fact I put a restraining order on him !!! after all the love i gave JD , he acted like Drop Dead Fred whenever the occifers would dare question me on his whereabouts when he was clearly on the ground in front of them in the form of vomit??!!!
JC and JD are the DEVIL..hmm weird .. just noticed that JD is also my ex's initials .. coincidence ?? I think not !!!

funny in the 'hood said...

Tequila is solely responsible for my heinous docking of a pontoon boat last Saturday. Thank God I didn't damage anything. When I asked everyone why they let the girl who drank tequila dock the boat in the first place, they said, "You wouldn't get out of the driver's seat." Whatever.

Tumbleweed said...

Goodness Gracious!! What a great blog...and the comments...you people are all HILARIOUS!!!

JennyMac MAY or MAY NOT know about my far-flung tirades and melee's with Jose's older granpa Cuervo Centenarrio. Goes a little like this: stationed in NC thinkin I'm a big boy and can hang with these professional naval/coast guard aviators at a HUGE house party...introduce centenarrio poppers (the dreaded agave liquor and 7-up) mix to suit in a shot glass...slam on table, bench, car hood, or buddie's girlfriends BEAUTIFUL chest...let bubble and ENJOY...right?? Did I mention this was a toga party...and I came on my Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle?? After about 11 (I think) of these new delectable treats...the night becomes very blurry...oh, then I wake up the next morning in the dewy grass that is the front yard of the house...next to my motorcycle...in cowboy boots...and NOTHING else...ooops!!

Jose and ALL his relatives are pure evil...and they don't just stick to seducing the ladies...believe me!!

LOVE your blog...soooooo funny!! Get published!! This kind of talent needs to be taken to the masses!!

TW

MIra is triplet crown said...

Hmm, I believe my Jose was grain alcohol in a lovely punch mixed in a big garbage can (with a liner!) my freshman year. I think I went to school in the midwest or something. I believe grain alcohol has a whole other way of convincing you to do stupid shit. But mmm, that punch sure was tasty. Or I was trying to be cool. One or the other.

Stereos and Souffles said...

The dog licking your face really got me!

strokeofliving said...

This is the funniest blog I've read today. I haven't yet met either of these guys but reading the other comments made me realize that I should ignore their advances if I ever run into them.

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

that is absolutely hilarious! they must lace that drink w/ coke or something...

Vivienne said...

Jose is the obnoxious guy at many a party. I can only tolerate him if there are others around as a social buffer and I don't have to sit by him: Grand Marnier, Margarita Mix, Triple Sec, Limes...

However, Patron is my first cousin, and we are very close.

I was laughing out loud when i read this and nodding my head in a sad, sad empathetic gesture. (Subsitute Seagrams 7 for Jose and move the barfing scene to a mall) and we are sidewalk pizza twins.

(No dog in my story though...)

Great post!!!

Elizabeth Marie said...

OMG...hilarious.

Cuervo..my friends and I call it "CuerNO"

Bastard.

Inna said...

Maybe its just me, and I haven't actually had a chance to read all the other comments to see, but I actually like Tequila. Only one shot though and that's enough. :) I think its the lime and the salt that I like best. But then again, lemon drops are awesome too.

A Cuban In London said...

OK, first, let me get my breath back. It's my first time on your blog and this first post has just completely bowled me over. It wasn't so much the anecdote (I guess that most of us are familiar with alcohol and its effects), it's the way you told that story. You grabbed it by the scruff of its neck and twisted it and shook until the core of it came out and bit me on my leg, or my arm, I can't remember which. And I don't care.

I haven't touched alcohol since 1994, although I did have a sip of rhum a year after when one of my best mates graduated from uni, then again, the night before I flew to London for a one-month visit; and finally in my wedding. And that was champagne. Since then, nada. And I don't miss it at all.

I loved your tale so much and your blog has so much chutzpah that I will be back for more provided I find the time during my busy holidays.

Many thanks and as for Jose Cuervo, good riddance!

Greetings from London.

Tristan said...

lol.

thanks for the congrats :)

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

I am cracking up :)

Great post!

Shawn said...

Jose Cuervo is nothing more than a used car salesman. A greasy, awkward liar. While his cousin, Patron, is a suave, well dressed and debonair Luxury car GM.

I love it!

Fancy Schmancy said...

Oh that is so funny, and so true. When I drink Takillya I get multiple personalities - and ALL of them are viscous, violent bitches.

Momma Such said...

Thanks for the comment on my blog! I have signed up to follow you! :)

Christi @ A Southern Life said...

Oh my stars, that was the funniest Jose story ever. He really is a cad!

Christi

Scrappy Girl said...

As an alcohol free bloggy friend I have nothing witty or clever to add...I enjoyed reading about it!

btw...I am having a giveaway to celebrate 500 posts.

Keith said...

Great post. I loved it. I've had my share of run-ins with Jose over the years. Some have been better than others. Cheers!

leggy said...

u always make me laugh!!
i just hate being one of the last to comment on ur blog!!

Christi @ A Southern Life said...

Better warn you. I read this to my husband and he thought it was so funny he posted a link to it on his facebook page!

Christi

The Daily Dose said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and sending prayers. Love your blog. I've had some interesting experiences with those nasty cousins myself. Damn Jose gets me everytime. Try Herradura...it's pretty delicious and not as sneaky.
-Lauren

bananas. said...

ok you're funny. that was hilarious!!! jose is a bad cousin and not very cute to be quite honest but he sure knows what to say when you're feeling blue. damn tequila! but don't shut off patron forever! he's much better. a little more polite, although he sure does know how to instigate me. but that could also be my latin side. lol. ARRIBA ARRIBA!!!

Fresh Mommy said...

Oh wow, that should make anyone turn away from the luring wiles of Jose!!

:)
~Tabitha

Farah said...

LOL! I couldn't stop laughing!

Nitmos said...

We once had this tradition called "Tequila Weekend" for the first weekend every February for mass tequila consumption. The "tradition" lasted 3 years. No one wanted to do it ever again. Most of us have never drank tequila again. It's been 18 years.

Jose is dead to me.

Natalie said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read ....... seriously.

I had to read it twice.

Samsmama said...

This was hilarious! I can't believe how poorly he treated you! Just wrong of him. I can certainly see why you ended your relationship.

Simply Mel said...

Jose has a reputation for stalking college girls. He told me if I sang Jesus Loves Me while hugging the porcelain throne that I would feel much better. He lied, and I despise liars.

Kathy B! said...

The whole tequila family is verboten in my humble abode. Just smelling it makes me nauseous!

Needless to say, my standards were sufficiently lowered that night...

Eve said...

Best blog post I've read to date. Brilliant! Strangely Tequila is the only spirit I can drink that doesn't end in me puking and having a hideous hang over.

Whiskey on the other hand.. just the smell and I'm god my knickers off. horrid stuff. :)

drollgirl said...

i'll take your patron and even your cuervo, and you get all the vodka in the world? deal? DEAL! :)

Amy said...

Oh Jose can not be trusted at times. Thanks for stopping by when Yaya was posting for me. Have a great day..

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'm thinking here that everyone is totally relating to this great post ... are you getting that feeling JM?

I ended up with a blackeye once ... that's what happens when you hit the porcelain on the way down to the tiles, as you pass out. Very hard to cover up too.
xxx

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Ohhhh tequila ... of ANY sort, in ANY amount ... it's something I absolutely cannot tolerate. Unless I want to spend the next day with my face in the toilet. Which, you know, isn't that appealing.

Eclipsed said...

Jose told me that the reason I was seeing blurry after 4 shots was because my contacts were old so I threw them in the middle of the street. He also told me that a very ugly guy was cute and that I should make out with him. I have kept my distance since.

DebraLSchubert said...

I used to think he was kind of hot, but now I get a headache just thinking about Jose. We parted ways, and not amicably I might add. Do I miss him? Not an ounce!

imac said...

Hi Jenny Mac.
They say wake up with a smile and go to bed with a smile - well - Im going to bed with a smile, Thanks.

Stewart Mac (imac)

Chessa! said...

you make me laugh...we all have a story like this. mine is about a man named tanqueray. bastard. ruined it when I was way too young...

Jules said...

Jose and I never became very good friends.... Now Mr. Smirnoff and I have had a fairly healthy relationship for some time now, you know, off and on. I think he's cheating on me though...

Young Mom/Wife said...

Glad to hear I am not the only person who has had a horrible, traumatic experience with Jose in high school. The punishment/not being able to lift my head off a pillow the next day made me realize how much I hated him.

Now vodka is my party friend of choice.

Pink Links said...

I love your writing style!

Lisa said...

hahah, this is hilarious! Really cheered me up. :)

One Sassy Girl said...

That Jose is one smooth talker. He once took my panties off without my knowing. What a sly devil.
This tribute to Jose the sadist should be shouted from bar tops the world over. Problem is, only drunk people will be listening.

Tender Branson said...

Great post...I've never met Jose, this makes me realize that there is a good reason for that.

Yaya said...

I've been known to have an affair with Johnny Walker.

Jessica said...

Ha! You tell him, girl. :-)

Dutch donut girl said...

This is the funniest post ever.

Especially since I had no idea who or what Jose Cuervo was. Thank God for Google :)

Shop Girl* said...

Bahhaa this was amazing! Unfortunate story, but I love how you've written it!!

nikkicrumpet said...

HILARIOUS...I have been able to avoid Mr. Cuervo and all his little friends my entire life....because at the ripe age of 16 I witnessed him convincing my Aunt to pee in public...while several dozen of her friends and assorted strangers stood by and watched.

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

That was too freakin' funny! Oh, Jose . . . he once told me that chasing a shot of him with Sour Skittles was a fantastic idea, and that I should do so while skinny dipping. I don't believe we have spoken since.

Shadow said...

damn yeah, he's invited me to parties too before...

Mama Badger said...

Jenny Mac, where have you been all my life?

I might be the only girl that can flirt with Jose and Don Patron and live to happily tell the tale. Their cousins Jim, Johnny, and Jack, however, are a different story. That smooth talking southern boys do to me much what Jose does to you. Sigh, will the boys never learn to leave us alone?

Idea #527 said...

hahaha! I LOVE that post. . . and on a side note, my friend Sarah's sister-in-law is the niece of Don Julio. . . :)

Alexis AKA MOM said...

I knew there was a reason I switched to Baileys in my coffee. Plus it went down a lot smoother! LOL

Lola Lakely said...

Wow, this is AWESOME!!! Have you read my evaluation on Patron? http://lolalakely.blogspot.com/2009/07/lola-vs-patron-email-response.html

It seems like there is a possibility that you and I have partied with the same crowd.

Um warning: Patron Cafe. It is such a danger and tastes oh, so delicious.

PinkBow said...

i like the bottle, it's contents are the devil though :(

Life of a Stepmama said...

Freaking hilarious!! I have the same love/hate relationship with Mr. Royal, Crown Royal....he is a shady bastard who lies to me every time, and every time I fall for him. Literally fall, and end up hurting myself....

jules said...

I too have felt the pain and remorse of sending a letter to a bottle of liquor that broke my heart and can appreciate yours. And a "marga-treat-a?" Absolutely brilliant!

Berlin Deluxxe said...

Love this post! Although I must say my favorite tequilas are hands down Mama Pita and Jimador ;)

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

Oh GOD, I nearly weed myself reading this, it was hilarious!!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

xx

HalfAsstic.com said...

By any chance did you go to college in Texas? I think I know you! ;-)

Kado! said...

Too Funny....I think we have all been there....at least once...or twice!!!

hey...&...Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Anonymous said...

I hear you...

Jose Cuervo told me that *of course* he'll mix well with grape Kool Aid, and *of course* it doesn't matter if there's no salt, and *of course* I could drink from the bottle...

And *of course* all of WMU would find the Ministry of Silly Walks funny, at 2am, in my boxer shorts.

Jose is a bad man. A very bad man.

-Michael

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