Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Rewind: Don Patron has an ugly cousin



Since I was tricked, I have become much much smarter. Original post and comments here, I thought I would share a letter to a frenemy, Don Patron. And this will be a lesson to you as you plan your New Year's Eve festivities.

_______________________________________________________________

Mr. Patron: I realize we crossed paths again recently. You seemed rather interested in getting to know me. I can not reciprocate your feelings. While you tried to seduce me in Mexico, I ignored you. You winked at me over the 4th of July holiday party scene, but you will see that I am quite resistant. Oh, your lovely words of encouragement on my birthday fell on empty ears. These lips shall never touch you. Admittedly, you are sleek and fancy, and considered by all to be top shelf. But alas, we shan't get familiar, and here are the reasons why.


You have some wretched compadres. Yes, perhaps far less stellar than you, but since you all share the same lineage in some form or fashion, I shall lump you all together. There is such a long list, I won't name names. However, the absolute worst is your ugly cousin, Jose Cuervo. I detest him most of all. He knows I don't like him and neither of us really needs a refresher on why I don't like him, do we? In fact, I haven't liked him for a long, long time. Let me explain.


I met Jose the summer before my junior year in high school. My friend LL and I went down to watch a rowing event at the University of Washington and somehow ended up on Greek Row. Some boys from Kappa Sigma invited us in for a little early-afternoon Jimmy Buffett party. How could we resist. Older, handsome college boys with Jimmy Buffett? In the door we go. (Foolish, foolish girls.)


Your cousin Jose Cuervo mixed himself into some frozen margaritas. A cooler, more delicious elixir I had never before consumed. Since wine coolers and light beer was the extent of my alcohol repertoire, the frozen marga-treat-a was divine. Jose told me one more wouldn't hurt. So I had one more. And then one more. Jose told me he tasted even better straight from the bottle. Oh, and since we told our hosts we were freshman in college, they assumed we were already savvy in the ways of Jose's hedonistic world. Jose said it wouldn't matter. He said we seemed sophisticated and mature. Never mind I tripped over a rug in my attempt to sashay over to a cute boy, Jose said no one even noticed.

Jose said he would refresh me. He told me I was pretty. And the best dancer. Ever.

Jose said to drink and dance. I did. Jose said that it was hot in here and why wear my sweater when a tank top is fine. I listened, oh so closely. Jose had a firm grip. And then, Jose turned against me. He told me to take a catnap. In the middle of the floor. Then he said goodbye.

I asked him to help me get home. He laughed and said he was too busy with other party guests. Jose let two other people carry me to my car and deposit me on the floorboard. LL had to drive us home.

Jose told me to open the door at a traffic light. In the middle of 45th St. With hundreds of cars around, since this was the University District of Seattle after all. Jose told me the only way to feel better would be to crawl out of the car. And throw up. On the pavement. In the middle of one of the busiest intersections we could find. Then Jose told me to get in the car. But he didn't tell me I had barf on my shirt. LL pulled off on a residential side street. Jose told me how calming the sidewalk would feel on my face. He told me to lay down. He told me to let that dog lick my mouth.


I barely got back in the car. Jose didn't warn me that we would pass my parents. Jose merely laughed and said "Arriba! Arriba!"


My parents did pass us. And LL pulled over. My mom came STORMING to the car inquiring on my whereabouts. Jose didn't tell me to keep quiet. Jose told me to speak up. Share my thoughts. He said I sounded clear, crisp, intelligent. My mom looked at me, looked at LL, and asked what was going on. LL told her I was drunk. Thanks friend.


I tried to tell my mom about Jose. I tried to point him out. But he had disappeared. Left me with a sordid tale, bad breath, and a shirt I would be soon throwing away. Oh, and punishment.


I never saw him again that year or the next. And then, as a freshman in college, I saw him resurface. He must have followed me to a party. Me, all sunny and bright. He, with all his liquidy amber glow. He came onto me. He said he was delicious. He assured me he had changed. He said it would be different this time.


Jose Cuervo is a liar...


He asked me to dance and after ignoring him for hours, I gave in. He told me we would take it slow. LIAR LIAR LIAR. Jose told me drinking was fun but shots were better. He told me dancing was fun but dancing on tables was better. He said to play Thumper. He said to play Quarters. He said smoke cigarettes. He said I looked hot. He said I was the funniest girl in the world. He said play air guitar. He said pee in the front yard. He told me those photos of me drinking shots wouldn't matter, they would only make me laugh. Oh, Jose, he is one smooth talker.


I had a headache that lasted one month. I cursed him and the day I laid eyes on him. I saw him influence others to run naked and jump off roofs but not me. He tried to corner me on other occasions. I screamed in his face. He tried to up the ante by introducing me to his friends Don Julio and Dona Carlota. I spit on him. Jose Cuervo is a sadist. I will warn others.


And while I do make a fantastic margarita (just ask JohnnyMac), and while we stock Cabo Wabo in our house, I know better than to dip in myself. So Mr. Patron, your interest in me is a dead end. I am wise now. And tell your horrid cousin, Jose, I don't even want his aroma within 20 feet of me.

49 comments:

the walking man said...

You always struck me as a Bourbon sort of lass, maybe scotch, made from the oak fired bourbon barrels in your glass; but tokillya...no I can think of much better things grown on an agave plant.

Ms. Wanda said...

Jose, Jose, Jose, yes I loved him too he's like a pimp. He makes you run around and do stuff for him, you give him everything and then he leaves you stranded and crazy looking in the morning!
He smiles and waves at me even when I go to Applebee's but, at 44 I smile and wave back because I know he can't have me anymore:)

Love this post JennyMac, Happy New Year:)

xoxo
Ms. Wanda

secret agent woman said...

I think a good life-rule would be to never drink anything that can contain worms.

carolineAlexander said...

I love your style!

Jennifer

Simone said...

I think this might just be my favourite post of yours EVER JennyMac....and clearly there is a lot of competition....you are one funny girl :)

Oh those days of being carried out to someone's car and being driven home...or in my case falling asleep on the subway home at 9pm at night on London's Circle line which as its name suggests just goes round and round and round....

A friend once got on the Piccadilly line which goes to Heathrow airport...and stops. She woke up there early the next day....wrapped up in someone else's fur coat :)

I could go on....but some stories are best buried in my Mummy-brain....memories of many years working in London's Financial District!

PS I read your post heading and did have to google Don Patron....I thought he was a politician :)

♥ Braja said...

At first glance I thought it said Dolly Parton. If you just go thru the post and replace his name with Dolly Parton, it kinda changes the tone, ya think? :))

The Savage said...

Ah, Jose! My old nemesis.... Once, we were great friends. And then, on the occasion of my 18th birthday, we became bitter enemies. So bitter, in fact, that even all his compadres would punch me in the stomach.
It took years to get along with him again.
On occasion he and I will talk. We reminisce, I talk with his cousins but there is still a certain tension.
I now have better friends, though.
Mr. Jameson and Mr. Bushmills are my boon companions when all is said an done.
Hail to the single malts!

Eva Gallant said...

I enjoyed this as much the second time as I did the first! Great post!

BigSis said...

I have met Jose and he did terrible things to me as well. I am rather certain he is the father of my child. True story!

Poindexter said...

such a creative twist on the sorry tale that we are all too familiar with. I had some sort of incident at my forty (ah-hem) sixth birthday dinner celebration with friends at a mexican restaurant. Don't know what was in those margaritas, but it felt like an actual drug. After only two I was out for good. Happy New Year!!

Liza said...

I was 26 when I had my first, and last, experience with tequila. Still can't touch the stuff...and I figure that's a good thing...

Too Many Hats said...

Oh my, it's nice to know I'm not the only one to fall for Jose's sauve whispers in my ear. I blame it on youth. I know much better now, glad you do too.

Couture Cookie said...

Yes, Jose is a real jackass. I have a new BFF and her name is Farmland 1 %! She is always pretty good at taking care of me after I've slipped up and been hanging out with Jose, against better judgment.

ShellSpann said...

Tequila of all kinds is EVIL. I love it, but I never drink it anymore. I am SUCH an asshole when I drink it.

Kristina P. said...

How lame am I that it wasn't until 3/4 of the post that I realized it was Pah-Trone you were talking about. I don't know if it's good that I realized that at all, considering I'm a good, Mormon girl. :)

Kelli said...

That bastard recently told a few close friends that I was a stripper.
I mean, I'm not of course. But, he can be quite convincing.

Beth said...

Yeah. That Jose gets around. Jose convinced me that I was the best party girl. Ever. When I got home, I threw up. On my mother's feet.

Yeah. Jose really is a liar.

Herding Cats said...

You see, I kind of love Jose. Only on occasion though. And he's a friend I can only handle in small doses. He does make me laugh though!

Big Boops said...

Somehow Mr.Tequila must be related to Uncle Crown because I've had these very same experiences with him. We are also not on speaking terms anymore. Thats why I try and stick to my old friends Merlot and Vodka, and if I need convincing I just tell myself these are "healthy" for me with all the antioxidants and shit.

Secretia said...

jennyMac, that is so good, I hope every teenager reads it before they start out on their drinking career, and re-reads it until they understand it. Talk about being tricked! Alcohol is the trickiest of all things :)

Secretia

WhiteSockGirl said...

Ah, me and Jose have an understanding,.. he keeps his mouth shut and let me do my thing. Once he told me that it was a good idea to call an ex, only it was around 03H00 in the morning... I had a stern conversation with Jose,.. now he knows to keep his good ideas to himself.

Nonflammable said...

Jose has cousin, Mescal, who speak no englais and look like a pirate with a worm for a pet instead of a parrot. Mescal and his pet worm no friend of mine.

I had to revisit with that worm the next morning who speak no englais either.

Lissaloo said...

lol, too cute. So many people have told me how sick they have gotten with Senor Jose and I am one smart cookie so I have been successful in avoiding him :)

Corrie Howe said...

Ah, yes, I had a fling with Jose myself in college. Worst hang over of my life. So wrapped up in Jose that night but met another guy who I thought was the coolest guy ever. I only remembered him in a foggy haze for next two years. Then I was working at Subway two years later and this really cute guy kept coming down for subs and talking to me like he knew me. Finally I asked how he knew me. Turns out he was the guy I'd been dreaming about the last two years. We dated for about a year after.

Ms Bibi said...

Yes, I met Jose and I fell for his smooth talk just like you did. Our affair was short lived as I vividly remember the feeling I had while hugging the porcelain god after Jose left me when he promised he'll be there for me all the way.

Dumblond said...

Ah yes. Jose is quite evil. My parents are best friends with The Don but I keep my distance.
My friend is Jack. He's been so good to me over the years. We understand each other.

CRY said...

I met most of them at a young age too and almost died of an overdose, pretty scarey. This summer on my trip to San Fran with my husband I met up with a few of them again and puked in my purse in the AM hours to the airport beause I didnt want to puke in the nice cab drivers car, wasnt fun on the plane either, ugggggg
I drink lite now, real lite

Inge' said...

This was too cute!! I think we have all met the lying cousin Jose.

I love tequila, but hubs does not like it when I drink it. I tend to tell people what I really think of them without the southern sugar coating. I don't understand why he gets so upset over that. I mean I am still smiling aren't I?

Thanks for the smiles and the little trip down memory lane. Err, at least what I can remember of it anyway.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I'm familiar with Jose, but only recently met Mr. Patron. And I'm in love with the Don. He is so, so different from his cousin, who I have now sworn off forever. But please don't ask me to give up my silky, smooth Don Patron!

The Boob Nazi said...

And THAT is why I do not, and will never, drink. I would be a crazy fool.

undomestic chica said...

When I was in college, UW's Greeks drank Carlo Rossi. Now THAT's bad wine!

Pricilla said...

I have never gone for Senor Cuervo.
It's Mr. Jameson that brought me down...is that Danny Boy I hear playing?

Postman said...

Yowzer, what a litany. Jose can be a very persuasive fellow. I've run afoul of his ugly younger brother, Pepe Lopez, many times myself. He's not nearly so eloquent but his rhetoric is basically the same. "Orale, jefe, you really need to play some air guitar ahora!"

Kristi Faith said...

Jose is one slick character..and what is it with him and sidewalks??? He always told me to lay on the sidewalk as well..the one covered in slushy snow. *sigh*

kys said...

He's no friend of mine either. I'm thankful that I don't remember most of the things he made me do. (I think I'm thankful.)

saltsays said...

I, too, have been sweet talked by that scheisty Mr. Cuervo on numerous occasions. It never ends well and I wonder why I haven't learned my lesson yet.

Nathanael Rey said...

Ahaha. Oh... Jose Cuervo. He made me barf on a hot waiter one night. He never called me back.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh I loved this post,
Happy New Year JM,
xxx DJ

Kato said...

Haha! Marga-treat-a. You are brilliant!

Laura @ the shorehouse. said...

Jose is my sugar (cane) daddy to this daddy. Damn you, Jose C. And damn Mike (the mister) for making the best margaritas my lips have ever touched.

;-)

La La La Leah said...

I remember when you wrote this the first time! It was one of my favorites! I am glad you brought it back for us all to relive with you! What a great reminder for New Years Eve. Its like a Public Service Announcement. I think you can collect some money from the government for doing that. Wishing you the best in 2010.

Jess @ Frugal with a Flourish said...

Ah Jose - see Jose and I flirt occasionally at parties but he does try to get me to do shots. Here is the thing about shots, they sound great, fun and exciting. And after you have one another sounds like the best idea in the world. And then why wouldn't you do another? They are just too fun! Next thing you know you are passed out in the back of a cab while your friends try to drag you out. Sigh...

Now Mr. Patron and I do have a long standing crappy day at work clause, but we only meet up for 1 margarita and he knows and respects my limits.

:) Great post!!!

AmyMusings said...

Jose taught me how to dance. On tables. And convinced me that when I carried a mirror from the bathroom and outside I would be invisible to the bouncer. Invisible! I believed him.

Katie said...

LOL! Thanks for the laugh! :D and thanks for visiting me over at my blog! Hope you have a wonderful and safe New Year's!

Courtney Reese said...

Haha! Great post! Loved it since I hate Jose and his family too!

Chez Zizi said...

I am laughing so hard. I think may of us have had the horrid acquaintances of Jose Cuervo - BAD BOY. He sure does know how to bring out the worst in people. Sort of like the devil, hmm?

I absolutely loved your post and plan on coming back for more. Oh and I am definitely going to try that bread pudding.

Zizette

Erin said...

The one time I have ever danced on a table was after befriending Jose myself. Fortunately I stopped just short of barfing my brains out. We were at Cabo Wabo in Cabo at the time, actually....LOL!

Libby said...

That Jose can be quite convincing. Unfortunately so can his buddy the grim reaper

Lili said...

Jose and I...Oh dear...the whole family of "Tequilas"...just no... not welcome in my house ever,ever again. The pictures are kept in a safe place until they bury me. I hope.

Captain Morgan came and rescued me for a time but even he had to walk the plank eventually.

Ah youth...