Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Talk dirty to me

When I was in high school, I briefly dated a college boy. Oh....I thought I was big stuff.

And lets be honest, by "dated" I mean that I thought he + me =TLF. Whereas he defined dating me as sending me lots of sweet cards and keeping my picture on his desk at school. The picture he would hurtle under a blanket or pile of books when after a long night of beer pong, he had company. Oh, young naive school girl.

But it paid dividends.

I went to see him one weekend when he was back in Seattle. After chatting with his family for a bit, he suggested we go to his room. Ummm, no thanks since your Mom and Dad are sitting here. He assured me he was considered a "man" in the house and they didn't care. Teenage boys...whats not to love about the bravado. It was a known policy in my house that males were not allowed in my room when my parents were home so I shirked his offer.

He then suggested we go to the park. Once there, it was all kinds of teen-age make out party. While I was not passing out the goods like candy, he definitively wanted to up the ante to our romantic interludes.  Mere make out and the manhandling of my training bra, probably not as thrilling as CoEd Twister but alas...

And then he leans in with a sweet kiss, hand cupping my face, and asks, "Do you want to go downtown?"

"Well," I pondered, "I don't think we have time."
"I don't think it will take that long," he assured me. Big sweet eyes all on me.

"But, with traffic, it will take us a lot longer..."



Our eyes locked and then he started laughing. Not a nice courteous laugh like oh ha ha ha...more like GUFFAW GUFFAW GUFFAW like a man with a front row seat to the premier of Eddie Murphy's RAW.

I ask him the source of his amusement.
He says: You
Me: Head tilt, confused.
Him: I don't mean downtown Seattle.
Me: What other downtown is there?
He: GUFFAW GUFFAW GUFFAW
and then says: This downtown. And looks at his lap.

Here is an excellent tip for college boy that I never shared: Laughing uncontrollably to the point you actually slap your leg and dry heave because I was unaware that by asking me to go downtown you were in fact asking me for a beejy humdinger is not nice.
PS: It is also the perfect way to ensure I will never go downtown.
PSS: I never believed you that it would be permanently injured by blue balls. Naive, yes. That naive, oh no.

Innocent little lamb I was, I dropped him off and went home. Bleat bleat.

101 comments:

Jules said...

Yuck!!! I dated a college guy while in high school briefly too. But it was just so he could buy me alcohol. Yeah, I'm classy.

sheila said...

TLF I haven't seen that in 20 years, lol! How funny! And I love your naivity. (is that how you spell that? )

Very funny. And 'downtown'...lol. ah how times have changed.

Will Burke said...

I guess when he guffaws at his "Dirty Words," the Older Guy mystic wears off fast!

Simone said...

I once had a not too dissimilar experience....those "older" guys and their "dirty talk"....ugh!!

And "beejy humdinger"....snort!!?

Great story JennyMac :)

mbkatc230 said...

"I don't think it will take that long" - I'm sure that truer words were never spoken! Just goes to show that older does not necessarily equate with wiser. What a jerk. Personally I would have left him in the park, I'm sure he could have found someone to accommodate him lol. Kathy

mo.stoneskin said...

You were right though, traffic CAN be a distraction.

Slamdunk said...

I am surprised that dad was not in a sniper position somewhere in the vicinity.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I dated a guy who was, well, let's say out of college, when I was in high school. My mom was ok with it, but I had to keep it a secret from my dad, who would have actually tried to hurt the guy, cuz that's my dad for ya. I never went downtown on him though. ROFL

Kristi Faith said...

ROTFLMAO-I literally laughed aloud when I read this. My husband and daughter that stayed home from school looked at me like I was insane. LOL

Why is this SOOO funny? Because talking dirty was never my thing.. when I first became uh..active..well, I had a guy ask me if I wanted a pearl necklace. Uhhh, not really, I prefer silver and plain. He rolled for ten minutes before explaining the pearl necklace uh...definition in bed. LOL

She Who Sasses said...

I can't believe he laughed at you like that! jerk.!

Makes me think of this one time a guy asked to give ME head....ummmm last I checked I wasn't aware I could get "head" LOL

mama-face said...

Ha. I'm old, (so you'd think I would know what he was talking about, right?), but I was wondering why the heck he'd want to go downtown.

Funny story.

Cee said...

ewwww....I could totally see that happening to be. I was pretty innocent too. In fact once this nasty boy in 8th grade said something about giving head and I thought it actually involved doing something to someones head. Like maybe brushing their hair?

Hilly said...

Oh Jeebus Crisp! When will boys/men learn that there is way to ensure a beej and there is a way to totally cock block themselves?

a H.I.T. said...

Oh college boys...I don't know what's worse, college boys with bravado or smug college boy graduates.

Keren David said...

I don't think it will take that long...priceless!

Badass Geek said...

I'm going to ask my wife for a beejy humdinger tonight, and see what her reaction is.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG! What a dick....lol....dick....I slay me....lol!

The Peach Tart said...

I've never heard it called going downtown. Thanks for the warning.

Too Many Hats said...

In the heat of the moment - YUCK! But, really you gotta admit that was totally hilarious.

American in Norway said...

That cracks me up! - Yes please!...ewww...
get over your self BIGboy

Sincerely, Jenni said...

Oh GAWD. Why do guys have to be like that? I've had many in my past think that "going downtown" was a true test of the relationship... and they were right. Every time, it was a true test of how they weren't the right guy for me.

Emily said...

Hahaha...I just laugh at the lines they try to use. My husband will still try to use some one me. Seriously, guys will do or say anything for a little action!

Ms Bibi said...

College boys, what can I say. I think most of us can relate to dumbass college boys full of themselves. I don't think anything would take long with that one,lol.

JenJen said...

I love this post!
What an d-bag....who the hell says 'downtown'? And who says it and thinks, "oh man, she's going to swoon when she hears this" right before uttering it?

*eyes. roll*

ShellSpann said...

hahahaha! I love it!!

Yankee Girl said...

I love it when guys ask if you want to do that. If we don't do it of our own accord, then no, we don't want to!

LiLu said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Sorry. But that is FABULOUS.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

My my... our Jenny has an edgy side to her ;) Love it!

"Downtown"?? Good grief. One I've never heard before, thankfully... I probably would have kicked him. His east side would have never been the same.

Michael Rivers said...

LOLOLOL. Love it. I've been "around the block" a few times--even been "downtown." But, I still don't think I'd get that "reference." HA

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Damn. And this one was not a keeper? No clue why?

thatgalkiki said...

at least he didn't pull the ole' grab you by the back of your head push you down to his lap 'trick'. Yea. Cuz those go over real well.

Great write, missy. :)

xxoo

Christine "kiki"

Amanda said...

Haha oh dear, that made me laugh. Thank you!

*uncorked said...

Amazing. Love it. Downtown. I haven't heard it referred to that in ages and am going to do everything in my power to bring that saying back.

VandyJ said...

College boys(emphasis on the boy) are a whole other breed. They think they are so smooth when really they are just stuck at 16. The boys got dropped pretty quickly but I never got asked to go "downtown", I think that one would have flown by me too.

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is so funny. I also never fell for the blue ball scenario.
And really, who EVER wants to go 'downtown?' It is a one way street and those are not my favorite mode of travel.

I'm Jamie said...

Thank you for posting this because a) now I know I'm not the only one who was utterly and completely naive, and b) I was not the only one dating an utter and complete a-hole!
Honestly, would you EVER hear a woman ask a man this?? Perhaps that's because we have a little something called tact ;)

Heather said...

Very funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Herding Cats said...

I'm pretty sure I would have had just the same reaction as you. Stupid college boy.

Big Boops said...

This reminds me of a similiar dirty phrase I once used with my husband that left him scratching his head. He asked if dinner was ready and I told him he could "eat at the Y" that night. He looked confused and scared of what this could mean. When I explained he was all like "ooh, I know what you meant." amaturer.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Maybe innocent, but smart enough to leave him with the blue balls!

af1blog said...

Oh, ha,ha,ha - NOT guffaws! I hope I have just a tad more style than that. Yuk! What a jerk.

Never mind. It was experience for you and look how wonderful you turned out, so it was clearly worth enduring.

Just Another Momma said...

"beejy humdinger" LOL, I love it. I think it's great you left him with BB too!

foxy said...

It's amazing to me how stupid some guys are. Who in their right mind would EVER think that would work??

Eva Gallant said...

Oh Jenny, that was so funny and typical! loved it!

Erin said...

I have a similar story or two involving this very subject. But alas, it's too sensitive for me to post on my blog.

It's a relief to know I wasn't the only naive one back in the day!!

laughing out loud. this is pricess and so cute!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

One thing teenage boys don't seem to grow a gene for is tact or subtlety. :) On a similar note, my friend Jen was once asked by a boy she was seeing in college if she ever let a boy in "the back door" to which she looked at him puzzled and said "I live in an apartment, there IS no back door."

Aw, innocence.

Mrs Montoya said...

Another reason why I love you. Funny AND virtuous. I hope he reads your blog :)

Jen said...

Good Girl!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Boys are so dumb sometimes.

Corrie Howe said...

I dated two different guys in college while I was still in high school. Boy was I naive. But fortunately, neither one was THAT bad.

mommywonderland said...

Eww what a nasty boy..But thanks for sharing the story because I totally had a spit out my coffee laughing moment!

Rebecca Knight said...

I'm going to show this post to my future children when they say they're going to date someone more "mature." ;) Hilarious, JennyMac!

Myya said...

What a gentlemen... PUKE!!! Good for you for not giving in & taking the trip downtown. : )

carma said...

what an incredibly classy dude. Wonder if he is still single???

The Boob Nazi said...

go downtown. How ridiculous!

i am playing outside said...

you have the best stories. lets trade lives!

shortmama said...

Oh come one! You werent ripping his clothes off after that line?!! LOL

The Gman said...

It's probably because I am a red-blooded-male-pig that I knew exactly where the college boy was going with this inquiry...dont hate me because the Goddess of the Universe created me this way.

Of course now when my spouse asks me to go shopping with her, I will ask if our travels will include a trip downtown...

Jennifer Shirk said...

Downtown? LOL! You should have laughed at THAT!

Good for you!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

I'm seriously dying in laughter at my desk at work right now! That is so typical...I hope no girl ever fell for that "downtown" garbage!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

oh my, oh my, oh my

you have a true talent for drawing a vivid picture of a youth that we must have all shared.

So funny! great story!

Nonflammable said...

Very funny. You outdo yourself.

They'll do anything to get a girls lips below their belt line.

After this post, I keep hearing part of this singsong...nothing could be sweeter than her lips around my....

Legallyblondemel said...

God, this takes me back to high school. Not that I was cool enough to date a college guy, but oh, the wheedling / begging / pleading they all tried. So funny, so tragically destined to fail.

Pricilla said...

Wouldn't it be nice if things returned to that level of civility?

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Oh I dated a college guy when I was super naive in high school and still have never heard "downtown" --what a weirdo that guy must have been!

buhdoop said...

Eww, what is wrong with him. You had a good head on your shoulders missy way to go!

undomestic chica said...

You're making me laugh at work again!

Kiki said...

ugh! horrible college boys, heck, even HS boys. your story reminded me of one of my own experiences. i married one of my college boys. he was the only good one, but i'm still training him. take care.

Aunt Becky said...

What an ASSjacket!

WhisperingWriter said...

That's hilarious.

I would have thought the same thing to be honest.

AmericanTribal said...

Oh, this post made me laugh my butt off :P. Not at you, but at the stupidity of young boys lol. Downtown :::::sigh::::: geez heheehehehe.
Thanks for stopping by my blog on Saturday! :)

Alicia said...

haa!! bleat bleat...i love it! i dated a college guy in hs too...makes me think now what a 24 yr old was doing dating a 17 yr old...

Eric said...

I'll probably never hear that Petula Clark song the same way again.

I agree with Mo... In traffic, women 'helping to navigate' downtown can be dangerous.

Jen said...

I may be one of the few women who read this post that actually enjoys doing that for the right guy...but the laughter? What an idiot.

Lauren said...

Guys that age are total morons. Downtown? Really? I bet he thought he was being slick. What a douche.

CatLadyLarew said...

I wonder how many guys Petula Clark really went Downtown with.

Kate said...

Brilliant! I am still laughing. Great post.

Kate xx

http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Lauren said...

Oh no he didn't!! Did he really think that line would work?
Good for you for taking him home!

Michelle said...

This is too funny!!! I probably would have done the same thing!

kilax said...

Ew, what a perv! Ha. I was totally naive when I was that age too. Well, about boys anyway.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Men/boys + hysterical laughter = "you ain't gettin' any, anytime soon."

the walking man said...

geeze now I know why I never had sex until I was out of school and well on my own...hell I didn't know the language of love!

M-Cat said...

Oh how I love your stories.

And my 18 year old son is dating and "in love" with his 16 yr old gf. Think I'm more than a little scared? Hells yeah!

otin said...

He probably went home to beat the downtown traffic! LMAO!!!

Lisa and Laura said...

I'm totally passing on this little bit of advice to my daughter. Play DUMB. Love it.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I love innocent.

A boy once asked me if I wanted to go "watch the submarine races." I was all confused and huh? This isn't a port city!

jules said...

He said "downtown?" Eeewww! Ha ha.

Raoulysgirl said...

What a smooth talker HE was! Sheesh!!

Poor guy. Since you left him all alone, he probably had to "thumb it" downtown...

Life Laugh Latte said...

Ok...disturbing...I had no idea what he was talking about and I'm 42! Ok...now is when I freak out inside thinking that I have a 12 year old that isn't that far away from experiences like this. Holly

Kato said...

Oh my god!!! Hahahaha!!! I can't write enough 'haha's'!!

Beats a dude telling me he learned it at camp. And he was dead serious. Oh lord.

Unknown Mami said...

How could you resist such an alluring offer?

Little Ms Blogger said...

I guess I'm still naive because I've never heard this expression and when reading the story, I thought he was going to go down on you.

Btw, loved Otin's comment.

Jon said...

Ha! so rich... and I love how you tell this tale... you've got a flair for understatement! thanks for stopping by my blog and for your comment there... not sure how you found your way... but i'm always glad to meet new people in the blogosphere...

cheers

jp

My name is PJ. said...

Oh my gosh, you brought so many memories of young encounters with guys who thought they were so smooth, but were in fact the Maine shoreline personified.

Intense Guy said...

I really got to get out of the boonies...

:) Thanks for the laffs.. this is "classic" JennyMac!

Secretia said...

Lamb is considered a delicacy!
smile now :)

Cathi said...

That is funny!

{leah} said...

That made me giggle... I've been there and I'm glad I"m not the only one....

Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day!! I love meeting new people!

Tsquared417 said...

Downtown...traffic...can't stop laughing...

saltsays said...

Color me prude, but to this day I still wouldn't know what he was talking about. I can't believe you dropped him off! How could you possibly resisted such romance!?

saltsays said...

Color me prude, but to this day I still wouldn't know what he was talking about. I can't believe you dropped him off! How could you have possibly resisted such romance!?