Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Rewind: This must be your first worst date



Sometimes, the simple act of listening can provide comical fodder the best scriptwriters could not produce. Original post and comments here, this is what it was like to be in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time.
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JohnnyMac and I took the little man to dinner the other night at one of our fave Atlanta locations, Taqueria del Sol. I went to get our table while JohnnyMac waited for our refreshing libations. I take a table outdoors next to a cute couple who appear in their mid 20s. After a moment or two of eavesdropping casual listening to inordinate amounts of giggling and awkward conversation, I quickly determine they are on a first date.


And the worst first date conversation ensues. But I loved it because it is going worldwide now, isn't it? At one point, when JohnnyMac and Mr. MiniMac came to join me, JohnnyMac said, "that must be some highly interesting dialogue going on since you are not listening to a word I am saying."


Me, not listening to a word JohnnyMac is saying? WOW...I feel like a husband. Just kidding. JohnnyMac listens to everything one of out four
six ten things I say.


Boys and girls who are preparing to go on dates, here are several things you might want to avoid discussing:


Boy: blah blah blah my boss is a betch. Woman don't make good bosses.
Girl: tee hee heee...what?  
Boy: Oh, was the offensive what I just said?
Girl: Well, not entirely offensive.


My thoughts: Ummm...straighten up Boy. This is no way to entice this woman or show your modernity. Your boss may be a betch. But the fact she is a poor boss simply because she is female is inaccurate. Go ahead and stick around, Girl. Hope you like having turkey pot pie on the table promptly at five.


Then Girl begins talking about her lunch time "drinking fest" she takes with other girls from the firm she is interning with. They call them "Margarita Lunches". Boy laughs. Girl talks about going to a Happy Hour with many people from her firm. She said someone ordered shots and says, "How stupid is that to order shots at 5 pm?"


Boy asks, "What did you do"



Girl responds, "Well, they were Redheaded Sluts. I mean, who is going to turn that down. I LOVE Redheaded Sluts."
Boy makes a sound like Slingblade and says, "Mmmmmmme too."
Girl: tee heee heeee tee heee, that is one night I did some things I regret.
Boy: (awkward hahaha) Regret like bad pictures taken of you or you woke up with needle marks in your arm? haha....followed by more awkward laughter.
Girl: Worse.
Silence ensues. While he may find this coquettish, he might also go home and google your name into YouPorn.com and watch the post red-headed slut antics. And then you may become his favorite girlfriend of all time.

Later, JohnnyMac takes MiniMac to potty. I catch this:


Boy : Tell me something interesting about you.
Girl: My college boyfriend had a 13" penis.
Boy: silence


Boy can say nothing immediately. Did Girl HONESTLY think about WHAT SHE JUST SAID?


Boy: huh huh uh uh....did you measure it?
Girl: tee heee heee hee hee. No.
LONG PAUSE
Boy: You measured it, didn't you?
Girl: Yes.


Thankfully I just put down my Pacifico or JohnnyMac AND little man would have worn it via pleasant snorting laughter spray-fest.

Here is just a potential tip: NEVER, and I do mean NEVER discuss your ex-boyfriend's 13 inch Johnson on a date. But that is why it was the first date and not the rehearsal dinner.

60 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

Good dating advice JennyMac. Never talk about your ex-boyfriend's 13 inch penis. This poor guy might as well pack it up and go home after that revelation.

The Savage said...

I love this one.

ShellSpann said...

WTF!

WOW!

I love this post. This is awesome! Things you should NOT do on a first date!!

susan said...

My favorite. I never did get my invitation to the rehearsal dinner :)

Secretia said...

Any man with a 13" weapon would ...
(you know what he would do!)

I'd watch him do it.

Secretia

jinksy said...

Firstdates sure have changed since my day...

Ms. Wanda said...

LMBO!!! What good eavesdropping, I would have been right there with you:) Love this post thanks for the ruler:)

Jules said...

Oh yes.... I DO remember this one! A classic!

Kato said...

Haha! Oh lord. I love that you listened in on them because I would have as well.

Thanks for the laugh first thing in the morning!

Michael Rivers said...

This was great the first time around and it's still great!

Joshua said...

That does not surprise me for Taqueria. I might do lunch there tomorrow. Yeah. I might.

That's an awesome story. Almost climactic? Okay, not quite.

-Joshua

Kathleen said...

I am an avid eavesdropper too--drives my husband crazy. I will know someone's entire life story by the time a meal is over. Any details I am missing, I just fill in with my knowledgeable creativity! :)

Unfortunately, my young daughter has the same gift as I, so I'm thankful we haven't been near any couples like this one you wrote about! :0)

Kelsey Claire said...

I love being an evesdropper. I would not have thought it was a good date, but maybe that is what they are into!

Simone said...

This was one of the very first posts I read on your blog....happy times :)

Great story....love the very last sentence!

bluzdude said...

It's probably a good idea not to even mention that a prior bf even HAS a johnson. No good can come of it.

Summer said...

Sounds like they were a match made in Tacky Heaven. Geez. Kids these days. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my gosh...I sure hope these two did not end up together...I would hate to see (or hear) their offspring!

Kristina P. said...

Was this guy Ron Jeremy? My word!

JenJen said...

I loved this post.
And again, I laugh.

:)

mama-face said...

tee hee hee. Sounds like they are perfect for each other. What a couple of gems.

Aunt Juicebox said...

How is that something interesting about HER anyway? She couldn't think of anything cool about herself so she had to bring up other men's weeners? Hopefully he loses her phone number.

GunDiva said...

I love this! One of my favorite things to do when I'm out is look around at other tables and make up stories about them. Seems I'm never close enough to them to actually evesdrop. But, dang, not even I could have come up with that first date.

Pres. Kathy said...

Thank God I am out of the dating scene!!!

Herding Cats said...

That is an awesome first date. And by awesome, I mean....not really. I've had some bad dates, but never any where we tried to one-up each other on our shamelessness...wow.

Myya said...

That is just too funny! I don't really have any first date stories... I've been with my guy since i was 15. Hmmm wonder if that is a thank goodness scenrio or a bummer I missed out one... I'll take the thank goodness I didn't have to go thru that!!! :)

The Boob Nazi said...

Who mentions that? How awkward!

Menopausal New Mom said...

OMG, what a discussion and well, yeah, this guy is never gonna "measure up", talk about a tough act for any guy to follow. I think I would have kept that college boyfriend or at least his phone number Lol!!

Pricilla said...

I remember this one...
And recall wondering why it was an interesting fact about HER that her ex had the erm, measurable asset.

Grand Pooba said...

Now why didn't the boy immediately come back with "Oh, I can beat that hands down"

(get it? hands down? I could totally be a dude)

Corrie Howe said...

Wow! Yet another wonderful moment caught and shared with the rest of us. Wonder if there was a second date?

Jen said...

She probably brought it up b/c she was thinking about it. She will probably always be thinking about it. ;)

Christine Macdonald said...

Have I mentioned I adore you? This post -- and so many more reasons why. :)

South Florida Lawyers said...

Don't draw any conclusions, but I'm pretty sure I dated that girl in college.

Taylor-made Wife said...

Wow.

MsDarkstar said...

Man... I can't imagine that there was a second date because once guy knows he's competing with schlongzilla, it kinda kills his bravado... I mean, unless he's packin' that much or more, she's pretty much told him that there is nothing he can do to impress her in the boudoir.

Slamdunk said...

At times during the conversation I can imagine me almost feeling sorry for one or the other. Then they would continue blabbing and completely eliminate any pity from my thoughts.

Existential Waitress said...

That's is hilarious! I love eavesdropping - it's like reality TV, but for reals. Very funny!

Martha in PA said...

That is too funny! It is so hard not to eavesdrop when the conversation is so good! I wonder how the new boyfriend measured uP!

Poindexter said...

oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS. 'nuff said.

Eva Gallant said...

I remember this; it's just as funny the second time around!

Couture Cookie said...

Hahah... maybe she wanted him to end the date so that she wouldn't have to. I don't blame her as he didn't exactly come off as boyfriend material anyway!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Doubting a 2nd date will happen....

Doubting either one will become members of Mensa....

However, sometimes the best conversations are overheard. This is a perfect example of it.

J.J. in L.A. said...

But it's okay to talk about an ex's pencil-thinness...right??? ; )

DeNae said...

You know, every now and then I am reminded how completely out of touch with my fellow carbon-based life forms I am. I think I understood the phrase "took MiniMac to the bathroom", and I'm pretty sure all of this happened in a restaurant.

Am I to understand this young woman expected ANYONE to believe she dated a man with 13 inches' worth of...ahem...experience? Because unless he was Andre the Giant, I'm just not buying that one.

You don't have to be loaded on, um, "Red-Headed Sluts" to know that this guy should have bolted after "Hello."

secret agent woman said...

I remmeber this one. Someone needs to explain to her the difference between talking with a girfriend and talking with a potential boyfriend.

otin said...

I wish that I only had 13 inches then it wouldn't keep slapping against my knee cap! LOL!!

Nice date convo!

leigh said...

Classic JennyMac! I love a good retrospective!

Leigh

mbkatc230 said...

I don't know, it's sounds as if they are perfect for each other! Although that young man may want to investigate some of the interesting pharmaceutical e-mails in his inbox. Loved this the first time around, I think I laughed even harder this time. Kathy

CatLadyLarew said...

Oh, yeah... set him up for some serious performance anxiety with that 13" comment!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

@"Here is just a potential tip: NEVER, and I do mean NEVER discuss your ex-boyfriend's 13 inch Johnson on a date."

Hear, hear! That was TMI turned into Three Mile Island.

I don't even want to think about what she's posted on her Facebook page. Oh, that poor, unemployable girl.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Agreed. I mean a ruler is only 12 inches so that is just about wrong!!!

Anyway...good luck dude. With your red headed sluts and rulers laying around something tells me you won't be getting parents of the year anytime soon!!! LOL

Kristin said...

13 inches? Now I just feel sorry for her. Ah ha ha

Laura said...

THIS made me laugh out loud this evening. Much needed laughter! Thank you!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Okay, now, thank you. Thank you a hundred times for that story. I haven't laughed like that in a while.

And I can totally see you sitting on a wrought-iron chair on the patio of a restaurant, leaning back and stretching out your neck so as to hear better but trying soooo hard not to appear to be eavesdropping. And, it would have been just the perfect picture if, all of a sudden, your arms did a very quick pinwheel action as your chair tips backward and the "first-date" table looks over at you like, What is that crazy woman doing?

I laugh because I can totally see myself doing that, and it's nice to believe I'm not the only one. ha ha

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Yep. People should think before they open their mouths. Especially with the internet nowadays....

Loved getting to hear this conversation.

Mom in High Heels said...

First of all, can I tell you how much I adore it that you guys take MiniMac to real restaurants? More parents need to do this. Children need to be taught how to act in public and not just be schlepped off to fast food restaurants. We take Indy everywhere and believe me the boy knows how to act. Of course he's too interested in the food to act like a lunatic and often questions what's wrong with the other children.
When he's older, perhaps I'll have a talk with him about what not to say on a first date. What is wrong with people? Do you think there was a second date? I'm betting not.

kys said...

I just knew you were going to post this one again. I'm glad you did!

Nathanael Rey said...

LoL. That girl must have been ME in drag. Jk Jk. Nah, but for real... I am the WORST when it comes to relationships... and dates. The WORST.

Laurie said...

Ugh! They deserve each other.

1) Hope they DO have rehearsal dinner ....will advantageously (to us) get two idiots out of circulation

and

2) hope they discover thereafter that neither is fertile so we don't have to worry about procreation of little idiots.

Hee hee ....LOVE the idiots!!

Erin said...

What bumbling idiots! And seriously, does any man have a 13" johnson? Or did I just unintentionally shame my husband?

Love that you were shamlessly eavesdropping on their date. SO cute.