Martha Stewart should be calling me soon

As I was reading the news last week, I saw something so special, so precious that I wondered how immediate could I obtain one too....

It is the head of Lil' Wayne. Made into a cake. And this is the cake Alec Baldwin got his daughter for her birthday this year. Now, why didn't I think of that in July when I celebrated?  But JOY of all JOYS, its holiday time  and I can have this at our holiday party. Because nothing says Yum Yum Yum like a big mouth full of Lil Wayne.

Besides the fact is just might be the ugliest cake I have ever laid these eyes upon, its an actual cake that was served at an actual party. So if I want this for our party, I better hot step it to find some other party elements that would only be fitting for such an occasion. Lucky for me, all I had to do is read the news for a week to find some g-e-m-s. And it will be such a smash, Martha Stewart should be calling me soon.

First, this dress. Oh, Katy Perry, you little gypsy. I know you like your cherry chapstick and your eclectic lyrics. You do have a wonderful voice on you, but when I spied this little costume, I thought WOW. And then Why does she get everything.  But now I must have it for our One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Party.


And in order to make that large Christmas Tree dress fit me in spectacular fashion, I need to be in peak physical condition. When running alone no longer surmises, I mix it up by doing work out videos. When you think of superior female athletes, I am sure you are biased when you immediately think of Dana Torres, Marion Jones, or Mia Hamm. Oh, they're alright. But you are really missing a great opportunity if you neglect Kim Kardashian's Fit in Your Jeans by Friday.  It matters not that you have never seen Kim Kardashian do any such physical activity, ever. Well, let me clarify: athletic activity. The video is all the proof we need. 

And because you know I like to tear it up in the kitchen, this is the cookbook from which I will select all the party fare. How to be a Kitchen Pimp? Tell me more, Coolio. Oh, and you can buy your own on Amazon. com but be aware, there is filthy language throughout, but  its still a fantastic voyage...slide slide slippity slide. And no, there is no recipe for special brownies either.

And since I will be SO engrossed in the kitchen getting ready, I need this. A motorized rolling pin. Because really, the holidays are not the time to ask how _____ lazy are you? 




And I am serving only the finest wines. And no, I don't mean Boone's Farm. I am referencing Ed Hardy's new wine line up.

Because the guy who started his career making jeans and is now responsible for 100% of Dennis Rodman's wardrobe is the perfect sommelier for this five-star bash.



And what will my stocking stuffer be? Oh, this book called Flow. I know its natural, normal, and part of the feminine mystique. But it is a cultural story I am not interested in reading about a la coffee table book. 


And what will we listen to? The best song ever: The Real Housewives of Atlanta singing "Tardy to the Party." Because anyone who wants to can have a song produced. Just ask Paris Hilton and that girl from The Hills.





And finally, my piece de resistance! The actor-cum-reality television show educator, Tony Danza will be our special guest. Why have a talk show when you can teach school in Philadephia?  And while he is at our party, perhaps we can give him some tips. 

One, don't put about quotes around your class room like "No moaning, no groaning" like you have already done. Come on now, that just sounds weird. PS: Not motivational.


Two, when asked by a parent of one of the 3000 students at Northeast High School where you will be teaching what makes you qualified to teach with no certification, you should give something more substantive than "I have spent months preparing." Perfect. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Nevermind that other teachers we know spend years getting graduate degrees . The future of young minds is clearly no longer a concern when you spent entire months (plural) preparing to educate high school students.  Only if you are Tony Micelli. (And yes, I know its only one class a day. Reality TV making great contributions to the world. )


And finally, maybe you should not use this photo in the yearbook there, Silky.


Why wouldn't Martha call me? After all, I do have Lil' Wayne cake.