Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Martha Stewart should be calling me soon

As I was reading the news last week, I saw something so special, so precious that I wondered how immediate could I obtain one too....

It is the head of Lil' Wayne. Made into a cake. And this is the cake Alec Baldwin got his daughter for her birthday this year. Now, why didn't I think of that in July when I celebrated?  But JOY of all JOYS, its holiday time  and I can have this at our holiday party. Because nothing says Yum Yum Yum like a big mouth full of Lil Wayne.

Besides the fact is just might be the ugliest cake I have ever laid these eyes upon, its an actual cake that was served at an actual party. So if I want this for our party, I better hot step it to find some other party elements that would only be fitting for such an occasion. Lucky for me, all I had to do is read the news for a week to find some g-e-m-s. And it will be such a smash, Martha Stewart should be calling me soon.



First, this dress. Oh, Katy Perry, you little gypsy. I know you like your cherry chapstick and your eclectic lyrics. You do have a wonderful voice on you, but when I spied this little costume, I thought WOW. And then Why does she get everything.  But now I must have it for our One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Party.


And in order to make that large Christmas Tree dress fit me in spectacular fashion, I need to be in peak physical condition. When running alone no longer surmises, I mix it up by doing work out videos. When you think of superior female athletes, I am sure you are biased when you immediately think of Dana Torres, Marion Jones, or Mia Hamm. Oh, they're alright. But you are really missing a great opportunity if you neglect Kim Kardashian's Fit in Your Jeans by Friday.  It matters not that you have never seen Kim Kardashian do any such physical activity, ever. Well, let me clarify: athletic activity. The video is all the proof we need. 


And because you know I like to tear it up in the kitchen, this is the cookbook from which I will select all the party fare. How to be a Kitchen Pimp? Tell me more, Coolio. Oh, and you can buy your own on Amazon. com but be aware, there is filthy language throughout, but  its still a fantastic voyage...slide slide slippity slide. And no, there is no recipe for special brownies either.

And since I will be SO engrossed in the kitchen getting ready, I need this. A motorized rolling pin. Because really, the holidays are not the time to ask how _____ lazy are you? 




And I am serving only the finest wines. And no, I don't mean Boone's Farm. I am referencing Ed Hardy's new wine line up.

Because the guy who started his career making jeans and is now responsible for 100% of Dennis Rodman's wardrobe is the perfect sommelier for this five-star bash.



And what will my stocking stuffer be? Oh, this book called Flow. I know its natural, normal, and part of the feminine mystique. But it is a cultural story I am not interested in reading about a la coffee table book. 


And what will we listen to? The best song ever: The Real Housewives of Atlanta singing "Tardy to the Party." Because anyone who wants to can have a song produced. Just ask Paris Hilton and that girl from The Hills.





And finally, my piece de resistance! The actor-cum-reality television show educator, Tony Danza will be our special guest. Why have a talk show when you can teach school in Philadephia?  And while he is at our party, perhaps we can give him some tips. 

One, don't put about quotes around your class room like "No moaning, no groaning" like you have already done. Come on now, that just sounds weird. PS: Not motivational.


Two, when asked by a parent of one of the 3000 students at Northeast High School where you will be teaching what makes you qualified to teach with no certification, you should give something more substantive than "I have spent months preparing." Perfect. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Nevermind that other teachers we know spend years getting graduate degrees . The future of young minds is clearly no longer a concern when you spent entire months (plural) preparing to educate high school students.  Only if you are Tony Micelli. (And yes, I know its only one class a day. Reality TV making great contributions to the world. )


And finally, maybe you should not use this photo in the yearbook there, Silky.


Why wouldn't Martha call me? After all, I do have Lil' Wayne cake.

73 comments:

My name is PJ. said...

I laughed the whole way through, but my favorite part???
"Why does she get to have everything?"

It's not as though you need one more thing to fill your spare time, but you could either perform or write stand-up comedy. Someone is going to read your blog one day and, mark my words, an offer will be made for just that.

Peggy said...

Loved the bit about Katie Perry's dress...hahahaha

SITS sent me over, glad they did!

Peggy

mo.stoneskin said...

The question that really should be asked is this...

Who doesn't like cherry chapstick?

Aunt Juicebox said...

Man I was trying to figure out what to take to a party I'm going to this weekend. That cake just might be it! I wonder if Coolio's got any tips on cake decorating.

ShellSpann said...

Ed Hardy makes wine!?! WTF?!

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

Oh my god that cake made me spit my drink all over my desk!!!! Hilarious! xx

Scrappy Girl said...

That is an ugly cake...I don't get the Lil Wayne obsession. Yeah he has a cool voice to add to EVERY song on the freakin' radio...but he really is a pot smokin' freak. I listen to every song Manga Dork puts on her ipod to "weed" out the bad ones...he lost me at "trade V-Cards with the retards."

Yankee Girl said...

First, at first glance I thought it was a Jesus cake. Just goes to show how much I know about him!

Second, if you're looking for a special brownie recipe, check out Pot in Pans, a cooking with marijauna DVD. I watched it this week, and though I have no intention of ever cooking any of it, it was pretty damn funny.

Simone said...

You are a genius JennyMac....OMG, this was FUNNY!!

I am just speechless at THE cake....and a motorized rolling pin....hello??!!

And loved "Flow" and "Fit in Your Jeans by Friday.....got to love those Kardashian girls!!

Just hilarious :)

mama-face said...

LOL. This was the best. But I'm so old I thought that was a Stevie Wonder Cake. The rolling pin? haha.

Emily said...

Is that the outfit Tony wears in the classroom?
I cant' believe I would ever turn down chocolate, but I'm pretty sure nothing could make me eat that cake!

brown eyed girl said...

More curiously, why does it say "Wade" on Lil'Wyane's face? I am seriously stumped!

Dandy said...

I don't even know where to start!

Badass Geek said...

That cake will haunt my dreams tonight.

Menopausal New Mom said...

Okay, I cannot get past that ugly cake! I mean, who would put so much work into such a ridiculous cake! How do you cut the thing? About the coffee table book Flow, I laughed out loud, now that's a funny book!

Nonflammable said...

this was a very funny post. my sides hurt, grazie molto. i especially am interested in the cooking with coolio.

i was thinking a sarah palin cake might be a smash hit too.

and yes that dress, i die.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Must have Katy Perry's dress! I would wear it for every holiday!

jules said...

Ed Hardy is NOT making wine? OMG. That is insane. My boyfriend recently became an official sommelier. He is going to be very upset about this. I can't believe those bottles! ha ha.

Barbaloot said...

That's more of Tony Danza than I ever wanted to see. Seriously-I'm wishing at this point that I hadn't gotten Lasik.

Dumbwit Tellher said...

I love Trailer Trash parties Jenny Mac. I must admit, my 18 yr. old would be over the moon if I had presented her with that Lil Wayne cake. I've put up with his music & her oohing & awwing over him for 3 years, so what's a cake!?

Martha seriously needs to sit up & take notice. I wouldn't be surprised if her people call your people soon. xx

Kristina P. said...

Wow, I'm almost ready to leave The Hoff after that Danza picture. Yowza!!

KatieSPerk said...

Lovely musings this morning! Cooking with Coolio is amazing. I am also a fan of the Twizzler hair on little Wayne. But let's review Ed Hardy is making booze?

ellen abbott said...

Hey, I like those wine bottles. That's how I buy my wine, by how attractive the label is. Doesn't everyone?

f8hasit said...

OMG.
That is one fantastic party! Please, Please, PLEASE invite me!
:-)

I'll know your house by the pink flamingos in Santa hats that will cover your front lawn, I'm sure.

Love it JennyMac. Thank you for once again clearing out my sinuses via coffee.

Theta Mom said...

Holy crap that cake is hilarious!

hotpants™ said...

How did I not know about Cookin' with Coolio?

Intense Guy said...

Me thinks you had a little too much of them "funny brownies!"

:)

Ugh! That cake is horrible! The Christmas Tree dress I can stomach (okay so now you know I ain't got no taste).

thatgalkiki said...

Makes you wonder who the demographic is...

I wonder how many mom's have Flow?

Oye.

Thanks for the research, this was great!

UberGrumpy said...

I was really enjoying that until the pic of Danza in his 'I dress to the left' shorts. yyeuch

Just Another Momma said...

"Why does she get to have everything?" Great post, I'm LMAO! I've got to follow you now.

Kris said...

HAHA this post was AMAZING! That cake is too funny!

shortmama said...

Martha would be out of her craft loving mind not to call you!

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

That cake scared me...Tony's pose terrified me...and the rest just made me giggle...a lot!

Your wit and humor never cease to amaze me!

Herding Cats said...

I NEED Cooking with Coolio. Putting it on wish list...now....

Janet said...

I'm not sure which is scarier, the cake, or the Tony Danza pic! lol

Donn said...

They must have L'iL Kim cakes for boys? This may be the nadir of Pap Cultchurr that I have been patiently waiting for. I totally don't "get" Kardashianism but I do tend to side with Oscar on edumacation.. "I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone."

Unfortunately his summation still rings true today "The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever".

i am playing outside said...

Somehow, I think I'm most offended by that motorized rolling pin. How would that even work? You'd still need to apply pressure... which is the only physical activity required with rolling. FAIL

Megara said...

i am anticipating my invitation in the mail (i am definitely cool enough to attend this party, and i've always wanted to meet tony danza...)

Michael Rivers said...

I'll see what I can do about Martha calling you, if I can have that Tony Danza photo. :-)

JenJen said...

Can I please fit into my jeans by Tuesday? Because, Tuesday is my day. Perhaps, I should ask some over paid priss for brains (mis read that all you want) for "advice."

jaysus!

Candice said...

So I am sure you have seen the "Cake Wrecks" site. If not, you must, you must. I'm surprised I haven't seen that lil Wayne masterpiece on there!!

ModernMom said...

So many comments churning! I think I will just go with the Ed Hardy wine!! How cool is that:)

Life with Kaishon said...

I can't get over the Little Wayne cake! I keep wishing I could go to the school where Tony Danza is during the work week! Too bad the kids I work with don't go to that school! MAN! And seriously, he spent MONTHS preparing. That is beyond impressive! Wink.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You must plan my next big event. This is so darn funny. I can't get 'silky' out of my head.

I had a dream about 6 months ago that my youngest daughter married Lil' Wayne. Did I say dream? it was a nightmare. It.won't.leave.me!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Holy hell, that cake would give me nightmares. It's grotesque! Plus there's nothing I like to think about more than chowing down on a filthy dreadlock on my birthday. Of course, on the other hand, it IS cake so naturally I wouldn't turn it away at the door or anything...

And talking of Tony Danza, every time I see an ad for the Toyota Venza I sit up and go, "What? The Tony Danza?" It never gets old in my house. (We're all a little retarded)

Erin said...

Jenny Mac, you are ON FIRE today---this post is you at your best.

That cake is insanity. And I'm loving the period coffee table book.

And is that Kim K. fit into your jeans video for realz?!?!

DeNae said...

Hey, I wore that dress to my wedding. Don't judge.

And I was unaware that Tony Danza was now teaching high school. Bring on the meteors. The planet is no longer worth saving.

(Motorized rolling pin? Can you ride it?)

Matthew said...

You're a worry sometimes. And this is one of those times - I just don't know where to start. :)

Pricilla said...

Thanks for that last photo. I was eating.
Now I am not.

Baloney said...

You really have the Christmas spirit. I can feel it!

E @ Scottsville said...

Okay, the Tony Danza picture... disturbing.

That CAKE HEAD? Even MORE disturbing. I'm just imagining the kids saying "I get an EAR!" or "I get his nose!"

Yuck!

Corrie Howe said...

It is an ugly cake, but it is amazingly detailed and scary life-like.

Hum? I'm going to have to go read the Internet about Tony Danza teaching school.

Vivienne said...

All kinds of wrong. Seriously. For some reason I'm thinking Katy Perry might like the motorized rolling pin.

blueviolet said...

Between your cake and the fact that Ed Hardy is now selling wine, I just need to cry.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh Ed Hardy didn't you see the intervention on Celebrity Apprentice? Come on poor Dennis Rodman can't help himself with your clothes and now you're going to offer alcohol to him that he can walk around with to match!

Oh yeah motorized Rolling pin I was just complaining about the mixer how hard it was to hold that, and my poor arms. How you could save me!

Oh great at least be someone that is a fitness guru to share there tips!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm not sure I could swallow cake head. :)

Hugs!!

mbkatc230 said...

I laughed (hysterically at times) through the entire post until I got to that last little tidbit. You mean I really didn't have to spend almost 60 grand so that my daughter could be a teacher? Guess that makes me the dummy, no? So Tony is going to teach in Philadelphia. Hmm, I wonder if that explains why they are cutting music education at the elementary school level. Guess it's cheaper to let a washed up actor teach - boxing maybe? Good grief, now I DO need a cocktail. Kathy

Mighty M said...

Now there is one cake I don't think you have to worry about anyone else ever having!

Jules said...

Sh*t - You don't need nothing to teach! Pshhhh..... THAT dress and cake would help.....

Ali said...

Incredible.

otin said...

You know, Tony Danza was a real boxer.

maybe Flav o Flav would do a good cookbook, he could call it "Cooking with Flav-O!" lmao!!!!!

I am not going to put any man's head in my mouth! :)

Little Ms Blogger said...

I forgot how blessed you are to be represented by Atlanta's finest on the Housewives of Atlanta....and Kim's song is just priceless....(even IMAHO sounds better than Kim because IMAHO actually sings)

Life Laugh Latte said...

I think Kim's secret is not eating...during the video do you have to chant "if the jeans don't fit you must acquit!" Holly

Slamdunk said...

Motorized rolling pin? Ahh, there goes another get rich scheme I had been plotting.

Crystal said...

I'm still waiting for Martha's call. I haven't heard from her, either...

AnnQ said...

Ed Hardy wine? OMG...the world as we know it is coming to an abrupt end. ;-)

Little Ms J said...

Sadly when I saw, "Because nothing says Yum Yum Yum like a big mouth full of Lil Wayne" I immediately wondered how many other women have said the exact same thing. Granted, they likely use adverbs and say things to their children like, "If you don't turn around I'm gonna take off this here flip flop and beat yo ass," but nontheless... I hear Lil Wayne gots him some babies.

American in Norway said...

S I L K Y...LMAO..
You are so freaking funny... Wish I you lived on this side of the earth so I could have you as my party entertainment...: )

kilax said...

I just can't believe Kim Kardashian has a workout video!

Kr√ęg said...

Grammar Nazi sez: "Surmises and suffices have separate meanings."

JennyMac said...

Agreed Kreg...surmise it to say you want some cake?

Kato said...

You. Are. The. Shit.

Excuse my language. Seriously though? You are hilarious!

Tsquared417 said...

Can I come to this party? That cake needs to be on Cake Wrecks...eewww!!