Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ho Ho Whoa...WTF did she just say?

Before MiniMac turned one I made the well-intentioned decision to take him to Lenox Square for a photo opp with the Lenox Square Santa. Yes, this is the most revered Santa in all of SantaLand apparently. Which explains two things: Why one would attempt strategy and military tactics to avoid waiting in long lines even though she was a new parent and completely clueless that EVERY mother there had the same idea in mind. AND why the line I thought I would outfox would have more people in it than a free Rolling Stones concert in Central Park.  It is also interesting that I would take my wee baby to see Santa aware the majority of tiny children don't even want to be held by anyone not sharing their same DNA but that he would somehow make an exception for a large fluffy man with a giant beard and tummy to match. But alas, I was new.

While in line and attempting to pass time and not let my impatience bomb explode, I chatted with the women in front of me. One I recognized from Tennis. She was there with her darling daughter almost four, as well as husband's sister and her offspring. Why is this relevant? You'll see.

So we all chat it up as the line goes about as slow as a long day in Western Kansas, and finally, the two women in front of me are next which puts MiniMac and I on deck. Sister in law went first with her two. Tennis Mom and I chatted as her little daughter made sweet kissy faces at MiniMac. And then it is Tennis Mom's turn with her child.

Her daughter sits on Santa's lap and they take adorable pics. Santa asks her what she wants for Christmas and she relays in solid detail exactly what she wants. Santa smiles and asks, "Is there anything else?"

"Well," she said slowly, "Mommy wants a different husband but I don't know what that is..."

Santa sort of chuckles because really, what else is he going to do? Tennis Mom's face almost implodes. Because I have no poker face (nor a lady's mouth) I am quite certain upon seeing Tennis Mom's face I, in a movie theater style whisper, say something precious like "ohsh*t"

Sister in law (with a rather frowny face) says to child on Santa's lap, "WHAT did you just say Madeline?????"

Tennis Mom does not maintain cool. Tennis Mom grabs the daughter from Santa's lap, basically tucks her under the arm, and flees the scene with all the quickness and dexterity of someone who just spent a week at Terry Bradshaw Training Camp.
 
Sister in law, in a flurry of stroller and Burberry scarf, was in hot pursuit.

MiniMac was nonplussed of course so we just rolled right up for our photo opp. And before that photo opp was completely halted by MiniMac's fear of Santa demonstrated by terrified cries, I say to Santa in reference to Tennis Mom's scenario, "Is that the craziest thing you have ever heard?"

Santa, with his bowl full of jelly shake shake shaking says, "No dear, it isn't."

Tennis Mom: Ask Santa for a delete button for your kiddo's one-liners next year.

109 comments:

the walking man said...

Santa...may none of the diapers be soiled and all of the words you hear be well remembered in case your called as a witness at the divorce trials..

Metropolitan Mum said...

Tee hee. I am so lucky we don't do Santa. The 'Christkind' (so called Christchild) brings the presents. It flies into the living room on Christmas Eve through an open window and once it's gone. the kids are allowed in to open their presents. You can write a wish list in advance, but there is no sitting on laps or whispering in ears. Never.
Sure, we are living in the UK now, but I don't think we are going to break with this continental European tradition. Ever.

Mom in High Heels said...

You have the best stories! Aren't kids great for blogfodder? If you read my RTT today, you'll see that Indy had something to say to Mr. HH while we were in Paris.
How does MiniMac feel about Santa now? Indy is allllllll about the big man. Santa only brings 3 gifts, so he has to think really hard about what he wants and describes it in minute detail to make sure Santa knows exactly what to bring.
Do you see Tennis Mom still? Did she ever get that different husband?

secret agent woman said...

Ha ha! Tennis Mom should have just laughed and said she said that in the middle of an argument or soemthing.

Melissa said...

You can only imagine what those poor Santa's hear. I'm here, chuckling away. Love it.

mo.stoneskin said...

I do enjoy a bit of Tennis Mom humour. I reckon you should go down there a times this week just to take notes of what the kiddies say.

The Peach Tart said...

Out of the mouth of babes.

Kate said...

Ha ha that was hilarous. I bet Santa was trying not to laugh

Kate xx

CatLadyLarew said...

Tennis mom's getting coal in her stocking this Christmas.

Liza said...

What do you think Tennis Mom said to her child after they got to the car?

Joshua said...

Oh no she didn't?!

That's spectacularly awesome. From the outside looking in, anyway.

I think I need to figure out a way to bug the Santa booth at Lenox next year.

-Joshua

Slamdunk said...

At least that humor made the wait, worth your time.

I can understand Santa's perspective. When asked by St. Nick what she wanted for Christmas a few years ago, my young niece confidently replied "toast."

sheila said...

OMG, that is wild! It would have been even better if the husband was there! LOL.

Vodka Logic said...

That's awesome... lol.... to be a fly on Santas wall and hear the "no thats not the craziest thing I've heard"

Simone said...

Brilliant! I would love to hear more of Santa's stories, I'm, sure he hears plenty :)

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Now I know that this song was really written about children to warn their parents -

"You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry, I'm Telling You Why, Watch What You Say, I'll Repeat It Someday...." ;-)

ajm said...

That makes me want to be a Santa's helper, for sure! Both of my children have "slow to warm up" temperments, and so sitting with Santa has never really been an option. Now I am relieved!

Andrea

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Oh I love it...she HAD to have said that so little one could repeat it...now that is some Holiday Cheer!! LOL

Cee said...

hahaha that is awesome! someone should make a website of all the crazy things Santas hear.

confused homemaker said...

I would have said something just as precious upon hearing someone's kid saying that. Talk about kids hearing & repeating everything. I agree a Santa site with all the crazy would be hilarious.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Wonder if she got what she wanted, then? :)

Pearl said...

This is why children should be seen and not heard!

:-)

Pearl

Shorty said...

How hilarious! Let that be a lesson to all those wives who complain about their husbands in front of the kiddos... word will travel fast to any open ear. The kids don't know they are spreading negativity for pete's sake. Hopefully Tennis Mom learned to keep her complaints away from those little ears.

Tsquared417 said...

That is great!!! I bet she was mortified!! Little ears....

brainella said...

Santa should write a tell-all about the things he's heard over the years...

*uncorked said...

Absolutely hilarious. Fantastic story. Thank you for giving me reason 1,345,403 as to why I won't have kids. Loud mouths who ruin everything.

Beck said...

The mom's reaction was the best, I think - while most of us might have the self-possession to laugh or shrug, SHE FREAKED OUT. WOMAN WANTS A NEW HUSBAND! HAHAH!

jules said...

Seriously. Too funny. Man would I love to know how the rest of their night went...

Emily said...

That is hilarious...and I love Santa's response! I think the Lenox Santa is great. We go every year (well, except this year). I have found the secret to not waiting is to go on a week day early. I know most people are all about the Phipps Santa but I just can't get into all that hype.

Kaela said...

Oh god that is horrific! Further confirmation of my suspicions that children are secret agents placed upon the earth to humble their parents.

Too Many Hats said...

Tennis mom learned a good lesson - be careful what you say around your children, they are parrots.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

She could have said it in front of Santa and her daddy. Now that would have been even more interesting...

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, My! I'll bet that family's Christmas get together was a doozy!

thatgalkiki said...

Anyone else have a great idea for a book?

Santa needs to write it!

:)

ShellSpann said...

Hahahaha!! I love that story!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Tennis mom had no idea her child was a talking parrot.
Priceless!

saltsays said...

BRILLIANT! I hate to laugh at other peoples' misfortune, but that is HILARIOUS.

saltsays said...

BRILLIANT! I hate to laugh at other peoples' misfortune, but that is HILARIOUS.

Couture Cookie said...

Wow! Kids are scary sometimes! :D

ModernMom said...

Oh good grief! Won't be all that Merry at that house this year!

Scrappy Girl said...

Yikes! Akward!

Secretia said...

I'm pretty sure that Santa is ALL OUT of different husbands this year, because the demand is at an all-time high!

Secretia

Kato said...

Haha! That was hilarious! Oh kids!

Helen Ginger said...

That is too funny.

If there hasn't already been a book published on The Darndest Things Santa Hears, there should be.

Helen
Straight From Hel

Stephanie Faris said...

Hilarious! You definitely have to be careful what you say in front of your children...

Jill Wheeler said...

Ha ha! I'm taking my kiddo to the mall today for her first Santa pictures. I hope it is as entertaining as your experience!

vanilla said...

Oh, JennyMac, you live the life.

Another great story.

Corrie Howe said...

Wow! You have the most interesting opportunities and views into the world around you.

Wonder what Christmas was like in THAT house THAT year.

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

hhahaha your stories crack me up!

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness. Out of the mouth of babes right? We always think they aren't listening...but they are!

Kristina P. said...

Haha. Out of babes mouths.

ByDSea said...

Ouch....Tennis mom maybe needs to be a bit more careful with her "grown up" conversations around the little "sponges" huh...lol Poor Santa.

i am playing outside said...

Just when this story couldn't get any better, you added a Burberry scarf.

Are you writing your stories specifically directed at the things I like? lol

Merry Christmas, Macs!

Pres. Kathy said...

This is why we have to be super careful what we say in front of our kids!! :-)

Tarable said...

Can you just imagine the things that Santa hears??? That's awesome.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Wow kids do rat you out.

Badass Geek said...

I can only imagine the crazy stuff Mall Santas have heard.

Herding Cats said...

Tennis Mom gave herself away on this. She should have just laughed it off! Everyone knows kids say funny stuff.

Lissaloo said...

lol, I am dying laughing here. That is so funny! Never ever say anything in front of your children that you don't want repeated at the most inopportune time :)

Pricilla said...

Little pitchers. Isn't that what they say? Or don't they say that any longer and I am just showing my age....

Just Breathe said...

Love this story! You can always depend on a child to speak whatever they hear!

Laurie said...

hee hee ....ridiculously funny!

LOVE that Santa ....jaded, but kind.

Miss JennyMac you have the best stories and you tell them perfectly.

whosmydaddy said...

OMG, I can so see my kid saying something ridiculous like that soon. It's bad enough that today she stripped down naked, jumped on the couch and wrapped herself in my husband's Pittsburgh Penguins Snuggie. (it was a gag gift from a coworker, I SWEAR.) then she says, "MAMA! I NAKED IN DADDY'S 'UGGIE!"

Oy.

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

Hahaha! Kids are hilarious!

Thanks for stopping by the blog...

Tamara
www.theunexperiencedmom.com

Rebecca Knight said...

"When asked by St. Nick what she wanted for Christmas a few years ago, my young niece confidently replied 'toast.'"

Slamdunk, that is adorable :3!

Also, that Santa sounds cool as hell. You'd probably have to be chill as ice to not go crazy :P.

Menopausal New Mom said...

That is so funny. you never know what's going to come out of their mouths and sounds like this momma just added fuel to the fire by running out of there. I think I would have laughed it off instead.

Yes, I bet some of those mall Santas could write books on what they've heard!

JenJen said...

Darn the day that kid found her voice....
:)

J.J. in L.A. said...

Let's hope she didn't say it in front of Daddy. ; ) I've noticed that kids tend to repeat things that adults react to.

nifer said...

And the lesson of the day is: WATCH WHAT YOU SAY IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS!!!!

Wow... I think I would have laughed. Like you, JennyMac, I have no filter.

Sassy Chica said...

LMAO...hilarious!!! Oh we must be careful what we say, because our kids repeat the darndest things...especially the words that can most humiliate us!

Smooches,
Sassy Chica

Summer said...

Oh kids. They do say the darndest!

Tgoette said...

Hilarious! Children do say the darndest things, now don't they? Makes one wonder if there is a market for children's-sized gags which they could wear for public outings. It's a thought. I would have loved to see the look on her face. Priceless!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Little Darling!
<><

Intense Guy said...

It was as slow as a long day in Western Kansas here in suburban megalopolis... or even slower... so I went to read JennyMac's latest gem and I was not disappointed.

From the mouths of babes - the unvarnished private comments made public.

So - what does MiniMac want Santa to bring him? And what might JennyMac be hoping for?

:)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Hahahaha! So great!

Bunny, THE PARIS HOUSE said...

What a crazy and hysterical story!!

Karyn Bernard (French Charming) said...

Ha! Out of the mouth of babes...bet Santa will always remember that one...what a hoot!

Hi Sweet Friend,

I wanted to let you know how grateful I am that our paths crossed this year. I adore your warm, friendly and caring spirit and thank you for giving me a bounty of giggles. Wishing you and your family a joyous and Merry Christmas!

Love and hugs,
Karyn

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my god that is awesome! It would have only been better if tennis Mom's husband was there too!

I love kids and their total honesty!

Brandi said...

HAHA! That's a strained sister/sister-in-law relationship for sure! OMW, I bet Santa does hear some $hit!

Kiki said...

Wow! That will be one awkward conversation, or situation, with the in-laws and the hubby at the holiday dinner this year. Wonder if the kid will mention mama's wish from santa during grace. oh, to be a fly on that wall. take care.

Kristin said...

Holy crap. I wonder if Mommy didn't only want a new hubs but also had a man waiting in the wings. Ah ha

Pink Links said...

Funny story:D

Merry Christmas!

LENORENEVERMORE said...

Heeheelarious!
kids do have big ears~
xo*

La La La Leah said...

AWESOME.... I wonder if "Santa" took back all the Christmas presents. That is not a place I would want to be on Christmas day.... OH SNAP.

Also It is crazy that Santa has seen crazier stuff being Santa, and at Lenox Square none the less.... SHOCKED... SHOCKED I SAY

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

omg, this was freaking amazing. love.

Iva said...

OMG! hilarious!!

My name is PJ. said...

Out of the mouths of babes! Yikes! THAT is part of the hazing of Motherhood!

Midday Escapades said...

I bet those Santas do hear some crazy sh*t! Thanks for sharing. Too funny. I also like the use of "nonplussed" one of my fave words.

Lisa and Laura said...

HAHAHA. That cracks me up! When we went to take our daughter to see santa at the town where we live, we were unaware that you had to wait in line for a ticket. A ticket to see santa! Apparently people began lining up at 6 am. Needless to say, our daughter only got to see santa, not sit with him. I mean, waiting in line at 6 am in cold Cleveland? Ridiculous.

Brian Miller said...

oh snap! those mall santas should get together and write a book...i bet they could tell some stories...wow!

Chief said...

I have always wished I could be a fly on the wall in santas workshop. I bet he gets the deepest darkest secrets told to him!

awesome

bodoba said...

If tennis mom gets her wish for christmas then that really is the greatest santa in all of santaland.

LOL

Mighty M said...

Oh man that is hilarious! I agree that the Santas out there ought to publish a book!

AnnQ said...

LMFAO! Damn! That super-sucks that the sister in law was there...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

And Santa got subpoenaed to testify in the divorce hearing!!!

Kids sure are honest!

Simply Mel said...

Glad to read things never change - the ongoing 'who is the best war' of Lenox Santa versus Phipps!

Lauren said...

Ooops! This is why you don't have those kinds of conversations around your children! They repeat EVERYTHING!

Nathanael Rey said...

hilarious :-)

Alicia said...

HAHAHAAHHAAAA!!! ohhhh snap! that's hilarious!! i would have LOVED to hear the convo those ladies had in the car on the way home!

Ju said...

LOL, and it had to be you there at the right time to catch that line. Terrific.
I just love Santa's reply: 'No dear, it isn't.
Have great sweet Xmas, love to the whole Mac family.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

LOL. Great story! I guess I lucked out since I do wish for the same thing sometimes. Or rather, after I envisioning clobbering my husband I sort of need to get myself a new one. Eh, from jail, I guess, if I really think it through... Now I wonder what CRAZIER wishes Santa has heard over the years. Hard to top this one...

Cathi said...

That is hilarious! Out of the mouths of babes...haha....:)

Stephen Tremp said...

Hilarious. File this one under, "KIds Say The Darndest Things."

Stephen Tremp

Alexis AKA MOM said...

You know I would almost want to be a fly on the wall, I bet you write a best seller with all the things you would hear :)

Unknown Mami said...

She should have played it cool.

Merry Christmas!

carma said...

Crazy!! You can't make this stuff up....I bet SIL was ready for a smackdown once they got to the car!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my goodness. That is terrible! I wonder what kinds of things dear sweet Santa hears? We were going to go see Santa but the line was SO insanely long and I think he gave up in believing in Santa a year ago so I didn't make him stand in the line : ) Oh no I didn't!

JadeLD said...

Ah this is so funny, as long as it's not happening to you. Kids say the best things, you never realise how much they are listening and taking in.

Rhonda said...

Oh, I have so been here.

I was super angry at my husband and blabbed hottly on the phone to a friend. About a week later, once all was ALMOST forgiven, we were driving down the road and my middle child says, "Mom was talking about divorce. What is that?".

Well shit.

lol