Friday, January 22, 2010

Someone from Wales can shove it...

I love mornings as previously professed. This is evident by how much is accomplished by 9 am in our house including my early morning posts. And, as many of you know, I am a 6 day a week post girl. So when I didn’t have something up yesterday I receive this text: Your blog is not updated, is everything ok?

I typically get ready for a day at the office after MiniMac is up, fed, and out the door. I feel like this precludes me from getting ready twice. Although, it is not as if we are having Animal House style food-fights in the mornings so I am not sure from where this stems. But a funny thing happened on the way to the blog post yesterday morning.

I get up early and decide to get ready. Fully done up, I get MiniMac up and we start our morning with all kinds of goodness and smiles. Breakfast used to be an easy situation in our house, as our son has a more discerning palate than Frank Bruni, he only eats about five breakfast items. This makes choices easy. However, much like Frank Bruni, he has begin to enjoy a long and leisurely meal which has turned breakfast into a one hour process on occasion. Our child is long and skinny so calorie reduction is never an interest of ours. Eat little man, eat.

Today, we sit down to breakfast per usual. In the blink of an eye, things go sideways. For some reason, applesauce in a bowl, ready for his attention, is instead hurtled towards me. This hasn’t happened since MiniMac was about 9 months old and while I understood it then, I can honestly say I am not a big fan now. Apparently, he was letting me know he did not want applesauce this morning. And since I laughed in the face of the myth of the “Terrible Twos”, it has been jolting to discover spending just a few days with a newly appointed three year old has already proven more challenging than spending about 300 days with a two year old.

So as applesauce splatters on my freshly coiffed hair and bathrobe, I think to myself, this isn’t going to work for me. And in my surprise, I have words with him which include “We don’t do that…” followed by “and that is not cool, MiniMac.” As if my son now speaks in the lexicon of Fonzie.

My statement to him results in crocodile tears (none too silent either) and a trip to his room.
It is not even 7:30 am.

Where is JohnnyMac? Upstairs sleeping or hiding. And smart enough to know coming within 10 feet of a crying food-throwing toddler is not a mood elevator especially when morning time is not highly pleasant for JohnnyMac aka Grumplesaurus Rex.

I basically restart the morning and within minutes of my child’s return upstairs, he is happily eating his remaining applesauce. And then, he accidentally topples an entire glass of Odwalla SuperFood. Do you know this SuperFood? Bright green and not something your child can soak in before he goes to school.

Children spill. Not a problem. But we go back downstairs to undress, wash off, redress.

In the interest of time, I had to make choices. Shall I post or perhaps, actually go to work and work. Work wins, after all, my salary from blogging to date is $17.94 and some free tshirts and POM juice. JohnnyMac tags into the ring and I attempt to quickly correct my applesauce conditioning treatment.

I really came to work with potential remnants of applesauce in my hair? I will never tell.

Once in the car, I do what I often do when I want to remember freedom and mornings of peaceful existence. I flip through my iPod, find a very child-inappropriate song, turn the volume up to a point of potential auditory nerve damage and pretend its FlyGirl audition day on In Living Color.

All is well that ends well. But for the record, whomever in Wales in the 19th century coined the expression an apple a day… can shove it. 

83 comments:

Jules said...

1. I enjoy your posts and miss them when you are not here BUT I would ASSUME that you just didn't have time that day!

2. HIGHLY impressed you get your 3 year old to drink Odwalla Superfood. HIGHLY. YOU win 'Mom of the Year'. Hubby drinks it. I do not.

mbkatc230 said...

I had hoped you were on a sunny isle somewhere.... Sorry if I'm laughing, but well, I am. Did the applesauce conditioner at least make your hair silky smooth and fragrant? I can't help but remember a warning from my normally very prim and proper Auntie. When Cait was very small, she told me not to worry about the terrible twos. But, she said, be very afraid of those "f***ing fives". After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I laughed until my sides hurt. Kathy (oh, and she was right, maybe it's genetic)

Pam said...

Hey, were making about the same thing from blogging! Except I didn't get no stinking t-shirt!

My name is PJ. said...

Let's think of it as training for the Edgelet...for when he becomes Edge Deux, he is destined to smash a guitar or two....and maybe trash a hotel room.

Are you still with me?

CatLadyLarew said...

I remember those days! I think the age of your child is the equivalent of how many times you have to change clothes before successfully leaving for work.

Christina Lee said...

When I first read this I thought you were going to tell the emailer to shove it--ahh now I see the Wales reference!
Too funny-I know how you feel --sometimes sitting down to work is more relaxing than being with my mini guy too LOL!!!

Mom in High Heels said...

Three was FAR worse for us than two. Two was great. I don't know why it's called the terrible two's. It should be the terrible three's. Get ready.

Simone said...

I didn't experience Terrible Twos with either of my children but defintely had some Terrible Three days with my son, ugh! Happily age four is much better :)

I too am "someone from Wales" - so I did wonder what your post was going to reveal about us - but am happy to report that I am very rarely known for my wisdom - or smart alec comments :)

Happy Friday :)

PS Loved "the lexicon of Fonzie"...very good!

Gillian said...

It should be the terrible threes. Standby for fun and games.

Oh the joys of being mum.

Secretia said...

Yup, the apple story is a myth!

ellen abbott said...

It was always Terrible Twos, Terrific Threes and Fearsome Fours. It's been so far back for me that I don't remember how my own kids were. But my grandkids were terrific at three. I love three year olds.

Slamdunk said...

Yikes. People keep telling me that I am going to look back on this time with little ones and laugh.

After similar food splatters, I am starting to doubt them though and believe that I am naive to think that it was even a possibility.

Lauren said...

My least favorite thing about being a mom is getting dirty. Ave is a messy eater and removing her from her high chair to wash her off involves me practically dangling her away from me so that I don't get mushed banana on my clothes. Which stains. Apparently.

Lauren said...

I left a comment but it's not showing up. Whatev. Are you on Twitter?

Eric said...

Hah, saucy post...

Krëg said...

Well, that's what you get for feeding hungry children. Of course, you'll eventually get jail if you don't feed them, so maybe applesauce isn't so bad.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

The Terrible Twos ARE a myth. It's the Tyrannical Threes you need to brace yourself for ;) It was definitely thus in my house with my girls.

Probably a good thing for MM that you ARE a morning person, and able to cope - admirably I might add - with shenanigans at that hour.

Have a great day!

Tsquared417 said...

I really think it's the terrible 3s...not the 2s...

Corrie Howe said...

There is a saying about three year olds. But I can't remember it since it's been five years since I've had a three year old. But I do remember threes not being any easier than the "terrible twos."

af1blog said...

Just think of it as learning. Maybe he's just practicing being a guy - getting used to watching women undress!

Laura Trevey said...

Finding the right "child-inappropriate song" : Priceless!

Have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo

Taylor-made Wife said...

That is not a pleasant morning! I have really starting noticing with all my friends kids that terrible twos are a joke. Three year olds are far worse!

fromatopink said...

Love this! You have a knack for writing - such a well-told story. :)

Michael Rivers said...

Isn't it bad when busy days get in the way of blogging? So frustrating. :-)

Not The Rockefellers said...

Although it cost you dearly, thanks for the laugh and the Fly Girl reference..that just killed me :)

Peace ~ Rene

Ms Bibi said...

Boy am I glad the terrible two's and horrible three's are behind me.

Buckle up it's a bumpy ride,lol.

My sister wanted to be a Fly Girl growing up.

the walking man said...

Be blessed he is throwing the sauce now because when he gets older it may the sauce he is tossing from a bit to much of beer bonging.

Yankee Girl said...

Don't you hate it when life gets in the way of blogging?

The nerve!

Summer said...

Our house is Animal House at Breakfast & Dinner. The babies like to fling their plastic silverware at each other from across the room. I will only admit this to you... it does actually look fun. Oh, and I have a slow eater too. My 9 year old is still eating while I'm cleaning up everyone else's plates. We have dubbed him Pokey Joe.

Eva Gallant said...

I don't want to alarm you or anything, but just wait til he hits 16!

The Boob Nazi said...

This post made me hungry for applesauce.

Summer said...

LOL! Goodness gracious...quite an eventful morning!

Your writing always draws me in...you are incredibly talented and entertaining...Thanks for that! ;)

Vinomom said...

I didn't have terrible anything until age 5. It's all gone down hill from there. But I have a nearing puberty daughter and you were lucky enough to procreate a son, so perhaps the same fate is not in store for you.

Next time Lady H acts up I am giving here the "That is SO not cool..." speech just to see the look on her face.

Lizzy and Elle said...

This is where I pretend I miss the years when they were two.


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Leah Rubin said...

Everyone has those days-- let's hope this was an aberration, and not a trend! Sounds like you handled it really well. Carry on!

Dumblond said...

So my daughter is not the only one who takes for.e.ver to eat. She has grown out of the throwing food stage though...
I feel like a real slacker. My kids pretty much get themselves ready and I don't have an office to go to...and I'm lucky if I get out one post a week!

Stephanie said...

I thought I had the world's perfect child because we didn't have the terrible twos. And, then he turned three.....

And let's not even talk about four. ;)

Ed Adams said...

As the father of both 10 yr old boy and a 5 yr old boy, I can tell you that the 3's are WAY worse the 2's. That two shit is a myth, or maybe applies to girls. I have an 18 month old girl right now and I can see she is starting to become a little bitch already.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Applesauce happens.
That could be a bumper sticker for moms.
It sure beats projectile vomiting.

a H.I.T. said...

Oy, the joy of everything I have to look forward to.

Kristina P. said...

How do you do it? Write an amazing post after getting an applesauce bath.

Kato said...

Poor JennyMac! I hope this morning was better!

Since I am queen over the realm of Grumplesaurus Rexs', I understand why JohnnyMac stayed hidden.

It is so bad for me in the mornings that I probably would have called in to work, shipped the little one off to school, and buried myself back in bed.

So you are a visionary of patience, and an angel!

Tiffany said...

you said 'fly girls' from in livng color...that about made my day!

Susan Erickson said...

I wondered how you could be the mother of a three year old, a lawyer, wife , party giver, AND still blog 6 days a week. You are high energy darling and a little applesauce is not going to slow you down. oh ya, you actually answer your comments too! Superwoman or what?

Transparent Mama said...

As a mother of four boys, I have come to the conclusion that age three for boys is much harder than two. Just wait for the whining. They love to whine at three.

Bossy Betty said...

I think you are AMAZING to post/work/be a mommy/maintain your sanity. Take all the days off you want, just make sure to come back to us. We would miss you!

Ms. Wanda said...

You know JennyMac it took me a second to remember "The Flygirls of Living Color!" Only you could write that so vividly:) Wow, I'm shocked you write 6 days a week, man I gotta step up my game!

My 11 year old is home today sick and not in a good mood, Thank God he is not throughout food at me:)

I love your post don't ever stop writing:)

xoxo
Ms.Wanda

Little Ms Blogger said...

Hmmm... after this story, I'm glad I just have to deal with me in the a.m. I'M SO NOT A MORNING PERSON.

Mommy Lisa said...

See, being an irregular poster has its perks! ;)

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Glad the fly girl auditions help relieve some stress. I love that.

foxy said...

One of THOSE mornings, huh? Well at least you're on the other side of it!

Happy Friday, JM!

AmyLK said...

Very cute story! Reminds me of days with Son. Like just yesterday, he missed the bus because he was dragging breakfast out. ugh.

PS. I think I fixed my email thingy per your pretty please! Let me know if its not. :)

Myya said...

Ahhhh the 3's... when my first was 2 she was wonderful... 3 was a pain & now at 4 she is complete drama - is it ever going to end??? Nope, cuz I have a 2 year old following right along... she is worse then her sister ever could have been. Lord help me!!! :)

Brutally Honest said...

Oh how coincidental...Charlie spilled applesauce all over me today. Generally in the a.m. I'm in my workout clothes, since I usually work out then, but today I was actually dressed in real clothes...as in better than mom-clothes. I still didn't have time to do my hair though, so it was in it's usual ponytail, and ended up being applesauce free, thankfully. Although, come to think of it, maybe applesauce would have enhanced my grown out highlights?

secret agent woman said...

My son has loved a similar sounding drink since he was a toddler called "Green Goodness."

But what pressure. See, this is why I post at random times and skip the occasional day. Okay, not really - there's no rhyme or reason to my posting.

DeNae said...

Ooo...the little naughty. And I'm not talking about MiniMac. I HATE it when my husband hides from the chaos. I don't care how he feels about a) shrieking females, b) mouthy teenagers, or c) getting involved in any discernable way...he's TAGGED!

He was fully engaged and enjoying himself plenty back at the conception stage. But bad news, honey, the party ain't over yet.

(I feel the need to mention that I absolutely adore my husband. This has just been one of those...um...things in our 25 years together)

Jen said...

When my oldest turned 3 it was as if her head started spinning around, so I can relate to your surprise yesterday morning when your previously compliant toddler suddenly developed a mind of his own . For some it's the 2's, others the 3's - get ready, that's just the beginning :)

Grumplesauras Rex - it's like you're talking about me. However did you know?

Existential Waitress said...

I scoff at terrible twos - it's three that is the age to be reckoned with! This was true in the case of both my kids. Funny, I always tell my kids "that's not cool" too, but I've never described that particular expression as speaking in the lexicon of Fonzie...I'm still laughing.

Acting Balanced Mom said...

Just stopping by from SITS - ITA ... the Troublesome Threes are worse than the terrible twos... hoping breakfast gets easier for you guys next week!

JenJen said...

I actually went into my office (when I wasn't being laid off) with a sippy cup in my hand. Left the coffee cup in the car.

Too Many Hats said...

What a morning! And for the record, I don't believe in the terrible two's either; however, I do think the three's have issues.

kilax said...

I hate when my morning routine (or any routine!) is disrupted! At least it was only applesauce, lol!

Aunt Becky said...

Some days, you just can't do it all. Fucking apples.

ajm said...

This is why those Mommy bibs are so popular. Or are they popular? Seems like a great idea, but I've never known anyone who has worn one. Hmmm.

Also, I just received free POM juice yesterday! Ha!

shortmama said...

I hope today started off much better than yesterday!

Mighty M said...

I think the idea of a restart when things aren't quite going well is fabulous!

I hope you have a wonderful, stain free, weekend!

Herding Cats said...

I hear the terrible threes are way worse than the terrible twos....sorry about that!

Postman said...

Grumplesaurus Rex! Ha!

Your method of coping and mine are similar. Something rather child-inappropriate, preferably quite loud. With me it's typically something like AC/DC. Something angry.

Again, excellent stuff...I almost wish I had a three-year-old son so my life could be this interesting...

J.J. in L.A. said...

I hate being told what to do and if I got a message like that, they'd be getting a message to "shove it". ; )

On the other hand, I was gone for almost 2 weeks (damn hospital!) and only one person asked if everything was okay. lol!

Brian Miller said...

it really does get better. by 5 or 7 they just treat you to trips to the hospital. smiles.

otin said...

I love it! LOL! It is almost like when you comment on someones site every day for a year and then you miss one day and they ask you if everything is okay! haha!

linlah said...

Whoever coined the phrase the terrible twos can suck it also. I found three the worst of the worst.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Sweetie, mine are 18 and 20 and absolutely NEVER had a single terrible two, three or anything. Really. No tantrums. HOWEVER, when the teen years get here you will rethink what's really, REALLY terrible.
;-) No worries!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Say, about those patience pills you're taking. Could you fed-ex me a few? I'll pay top dollar.

Inge' said...

I had to chuckle at my mental pic of you with applesauce in your hair:)

I also didn't think 2 was so "terrible" but 3-5 was a NIGHTMARE!!!!

By the time I recovered, they were teens and a whole new game started!

Have a great weekend!

SweetPeaSurry said...

See it's heartwarming stories like this that make me wonder why people ask me why I don't want to rear children! Hah ... something funny to look back on though. Check those hair that got hit with the applesauce, who knows ... it could be better than conditioner!!! Home remedies are always the bestest!!!

Here's to a beautifully applesauce free weekend!

Nonflammable said...

When my boys were that age, I seldom left the house without something in my hair, or stuck to my jacket, pants, skirt. I would be in an early morning meeting and someone would help me scrape off the oatmeal I had missed.

Maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Grand Pooba said...

You should have just fed him ice cream, he wouldn't have thrown that back at ya.

La La La Leah said...

ha ha ha... You wrote this post just for me didn't you!?!?!?! I think I will be in my grove of things after the semester is over! Thank you, I think you are the best and will not throw food at you!!

Erin said...

JM, didn't you know? Three is the new two.

Mine just turned 4 and frankly, I don't notice a huge difference just yet. They still act 3 a lot. ugh.

Wondering when the drama really ends?

Adoption of Jane said...

Awesome Post! I luv the way you write. No worries I talk to my kids in Fonzie and Mrs. Swan (luv my Mad Tv) lingo daily.

Vivienne said...

Been there.
Done that.
Still have stains on the T shirt.

M-Cat said...

That story sounds just like my mornings most of the time. Only there is no mini-mac, it's just me spilling and changing and crying and spilling some more.