Monday, January 4, 2010

Now that I've had my way with you...

Since Santa visited me already, and he visited me real nice like, I might regret a few small actions. Actions that make it appear as if I put on my goody- two- shoes only until he visited and now that I have had my way with him, I went ahead a made a few decisions that might not be in my best interest if I want him to come around again next year.

That being said, I will be the first to create a legal loophole in that my naughtiness occurred after Christmas but BEFORE New Year's Eve so technically on the 2010 Watch, these can't really count against me. You decide.

Is it nice or not nice that when I am standing in line to take MiniMac on a ride on the famous Pink Pig, and I am kneeling down to talk to him that the woman in front of me bends over to tie her shoe thereby placing her arse in my face that I do not see until I  1. turn my head and 2. it is TOOOO LATE to avoid that I say something kind and sweet like "GOOD GOD" before leaping back like a scalded dog and pulling MiniMac back as well. Just a suggestion: Kneel down to tie your shoes. One more suggestion: WTF took you so long to tie your shoe?????? You were bent over for what seemed like ten minutes.

Is it nice or not nice that when the kiosk guy in the middle of the mall tried several times to give me a free sample of jewelry cleaner/face cleaner/hair extensions/colonics that after smiling and shaking my head no, upon his persistence I spoke to him in Italian and pretended I could not understand him?

Is it nice or not nice that while I am standing in line to return something to Crate and Barrel that first off, I should KNOW BETTER than to go anytime between December 26 and January 3 but do so anyway, that the following occurs:

Historically, the Sales Associates at C&B are some of the nicest people on earth. They are going as fast as humanly possible to process gifts, gift returns, gift cards, and about 1000 questions. I know this which is why I love this store and spend much time and effort stimulating their economy. While waiting my turn, I fully expect the pace of the line to be as slow and painful as a Mariah Carey movie. I expect everyone in line to do the same. Silly me. Therefore, when the woman behind me is standing so close to me that her jacket is actually touching my jacket, I get a skosh uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, there are limited options at  my disposal. I move to the side which only causes her to move even closer into my zone. I am at least TEN people from the finish line so I attempt to ignore it. When we inch closer, she is literally touching me. I like a slow dance just like the average gal, but this is not what I prefer.  Finally, I am one away and besides the fact that I left my Kindle in the car which would have been a perfect distraction from spending 30 minutes in line, I am still getting bum rushed by this woman so I refuse to move forward.

I think I get a shoulder nudge. Yes, I most definitely got a shoulder nudge and not a "Hey how YOU doin'" shoulder nudge but a "Hey Missy, get moving shoulder nudge." I am trying to exercise courteousness since this woman, upon my assessment, is about 40 years older than me. I am going to be a grandmother too one day and will take no lippy sass from young rascals so I bite my tongue. UNTIL, she says to me, "You need to scoot up."
I ignore this.
"You need to scoot up." Again, I ignore.

She clears her throat. And the gloves come just a tiny bit off as I say, "Ma'am, short of me sitting ON the counter or perhaps crawling inside the till, there is no where for me to scoot up. Perhaps you can scoot back and alleviate the problem."

What did she do? NOTHING. She ignores me. Likely plotting which part of my soft flesh she would cut into when she cornered me in the parking lot. Of course, my only solace would be that Santa would see that too and then she wouldnt be getting gifts next year therefore I wouldnt see her at Crate and Barrel and have to deal with this in the future.

Sorry Santa. I am back to being mostly good now.

102 comments:

Jules said...

You were PERFECTLY fine to handle ALL of those situations the way you did. I've been known to say at the grocery, "Would you mind stepping back? You're crowding my space." Hubby hates me for it. But COME ON.

blueviolet said...

What is with people that need to be right up on your back like that? Where in life did they lose the sense of personal space that most of us have?

Sorry about the arse in the face.

Eva Gallant said...

You're right...this only counts as 2009 activity. You are clear as goody two shoes for 2010!

Pam said...

I think you handled every incident wihe aplomb (is that how you spell that?). I can't believe you held your own with the lady touching you in line that one would have sent me over the edge.

Slamdunk said...

Yikes. A good reminder for me to avoid stores during the holiday week. With the "close-stander," perhaps a 10-20 minute shoe tie would have been useful for her.

Mommakin said...

'lippy sass from young rascals' - HEE!

Nope, I think these are the sort of transgressions Santa looks the other way for. You're cool for 2010...

the walking man said...

On a short scale of 1-5 was it a worthy ass or horrid? Was she wearing pants (I pray so)?

About the time the first touch of someone invading my space like that, I have this odd tendency to loose some balance (I have this inner ear issue) and fall slightly backward. I haven't caused the domino effect yet but I can still hope. But then at 6' 250 fully bearded pounds and hairier than most Silver Back Apes few people tend to want to touch me.

Maybe this is why Santa brought me 4-12 packs of Diet Pepsi and little else. Which is cool because I likes my fun when I cans finds it. Sort of a like Christmas on the pay as you go plan.

af1blog said...

Naturally, being a guy, the emphasis for me on the ass in the face incident would be heavily coloured by the quality of the ass, but that said I'm sure Santa will do his utmost to come across for you next year and for a long time to come. Happy New Year to you ;)

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

you were so right. Ugh, rude people! so glad you said something!

Joshua said...

Oh...I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate. This happens to me way too often, but if I'm with anyone, the gloves stay on. When I'm alone, I don't wear gloves so I can get the first strike in.

Recently one Saturday morning, I was at the grocery store. Having already paid, I was waiting for the bagger to finish packing up my canvas bags and throw them in the cart. The old guy behind me sort of nudged me aside as he went to input his phone number into the little keypad. I know this maneuver; I've forgotten my shopper card before, too, and know to type in my phone number to get the store discounts, blah, blah, blah. I turned to him, and quite sarcastically said, "Oh, am I in your way?" He stuttered a bit, but I continued. "I didn't know my time had expired for getting my groceries into my cart. What's the protocol here? Do I leave them for you or do I just abandon them?" At which point I walked away, leaving the checker and the bagger snickering, and an old man dumbfounded.

Take that, old bitch.

-Joshua

Simone said...

Oh, I absolutely HATE that, drives me nuts....like it will make the queue (or line as you call it) move any quicker because she is standing on your shoulders. WHY do people do that...grrrr!? Hell, PERSONAL SPACE!!!!

Sounds like you behaved beautifully though, I wouldn't expect anything different.

Happy New Year JennyMac :0

DeDe said...

Great way to put her in place. I hate people like this in line. Patience is definitely a virtue!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I hate when people crowd you in line. Santa is watching.

JenJen said...

I was in a similar situation as the last example this weekend, in line at a museum. My purse was getting bumped by some anorexic twit and I was thisclose to going apeshit on her twiggy butt about the lessons in MY PERSONAL BUBBLE DAMMIT.
I feel bettah.

:)

The Peach Tart said...

I'm wondering if that lady could have been Mama?

Chez Zizi said...

Isn't it funny how people have no problem entering your personal space but do not want you in theirs? Why do they feel if they are closer to you and the counter that will mean they will magically have their turn?
You made it through and I don't think you were being not good - these were all unintentional acts in response to those around you. Good justification always works!
Zizette @Chezzizi.blogspot.com

Too Many Hats said...

Perhaps you could have asked her to massage your back while she was there. Then at least it would have been a win-win :)

Secretia said...

I have noticed that the smellier and dirtier people are the closer they get to us, it's disgusting, I always say something if i can't move away.

Secretia

Eric said...

*in the voice of Dr. Evil*
We are not so different, you and I, for I also shop at Crate and Barrel and speak Italian in unusual circumstances. I just need to get a Kindle.

Vodka Logic said...

I'd say you handled them all as I would, now if that is nice or not I dont know but it is in the past so onward..

I so wish I could speak a different language so I could do the "no speak English" thing. My luck they would speak whatever it was I was faking.

As for the old lady, I would have stepped on her foot or something..sheesh.

Poindexter said...

Gah. That's way uncomfortable. I honestly don't think Santa would notice. I'd be hard pressed to come up with a more Santa-friendly solution.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I would talk Italian to avoid sales people if I could. It's classier than screaming "I don't want your freakin products -- go away".

The lady at C&B - Oh. My. God. I believe in personal space and probably would have pretended to lose footing and step backwards on her foot.

Hmmm...think I screwed myself for 2010 and am getting coal from Santa.

Pippa said...

I did the "I don't speak English" thing once. Kind of ruined by Top Ender then speaking loudly in English and expecting me to answer... a good glare stopped her!

mama-face said...

I think it's those other people who need to worry about their naughty or nice status. I never know what to do with those people who want to crawl into your clothes while in line. I just smile and try to go a happy place in my mind. Not that that works...

As slow and painful as a Mariah Carey movie...bahahahaha.

Jenn@ You know... that Blog? said...

Heehee, and you think that puts you on the naughty list? You're so sweet :) Hang with me a while, sister... Canadians are notoriously NICE but even we have an edge.

Case in point? Fix your &^!*@! comments so I can leave a proper Name/URL, would you please??!!

Have a wonderful day, my sweet friend! ;)

mo.stoneskin said...

If I was Santa, which I'm not, I'd give you a crate of wine...

Sabrina said...

Oooh! I think you handled it pretty well! I HATE when people stand super close to me in line. Just back off please, thank you very much!

Scrappy Girl said...

Absolutely...it fell in the the 2009 pre-new year freebie area. You are safe.

ShellSpann said...

OMG! I hate that. On black friday we're standing in line at Best Buy - it's moving SLOW as molasses and this guy is literally breathing ON me he was so close. I could hear and feel his breath in my ear and he smelled like....well FOOD. he smelled like he was standing in McDonald's right next to the deep fryer for around 72 hours. GROSS. This guy was in line behind me for 2-1/2 hours. It was MISERABLE!!!!!

Menopausal New Mom said...

I think I will be adapting that rule between Christmas and New Years as a "free" naughty zone next year! Loving that idea.

Yes, I hate it so much when someone invades my personal space. What I usually do is swing my purse back over my shoulder so it separates us or put my hands on my hips and stand a bit sideways, anything to put some much needed space between us.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I think you handled the lady-in-line thing very gracefully. I mean, you could have whirled around and, with face red and veins bulging, screamed "BACK OFF, BITCH!" while spraying spittle all over her. I mean, you know, that's definitely an option.

leigh said...

I've been to Lenox and the old ladies there need to get some attitude thrown their way now and then. Nothing like an old crusty southern belle to ruin your day.

Leigh

Buckeroomama said...

I love how you handled it with the lady who was standing too close. That gets to me every time, especially if I'm in the queue for the ATM! If J is with me, I would tell him (loud enough for the crowder to hear): Make sure you don't stand too close to the person in front of you. It is the polite thing to do." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Lisa and Laura said...

Ugh, I hate people like that. Ever heard of personal space random impatient shopper? You should have done something really offensive to teach her a lesson.

Mrs Montoya said...

A shoulder nudge indeed. I have an issue with personal space, too and am not sure if I would have been so gracious. I am pretty sure, though that Santa's on vacation until mid-January. Keep on being your fabulous self. I know you can make up for it later! At least that's how I sleep at night :)

Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh man, I have been known to actually follow people through the store or into the parking lot for crap....I've tried toning it down though, my husband's always afraid I'm going to punch somebody in the face and get arrested. I've gotten better about going off on people unless they say something rude to me first.

Barbaloot said...

I'm not sure on #1, but you were totally nice on #2 and #3. Number two would've been natural to say something mean and nasty instead of speaking Italian. And #3, well, she would've been easier to just backhand!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Thank you for my morning laugh!!

Pres. Kathy said...

I have to admit that when those people in the mall come up to me if they don't get "no" the first time, I pretend to speak Greek!! Then they finally leave me alone.

Kristina P. said...

YOu are a paragon of good etiquette.

Erin said...

I think you handled it perfectly. I can't stand close talkers/people who invade my space. It really gets my goat. I feel like I'm always very aware of how close I stand to someone, etc. and I make sure to give a wide berth. She sounds like a real beeeatch.

Erin said...

p.s. i love crate & barrel too. just ordered a cupcake carrier thingie from there and can't wait to get it. also a mandoline. woo to the hoo!

Pricilla said...

See, when people lean into me like that. I lean back into them. heh heh
I figure I might as well get some rest out of their impatience....

You were provoked!

Nonflammable said...

I can't tolerate someone getting in my personal space. It's so disrespectful. It doesn't happen very often but a level glare usually does the trick and when that doesn't work I can systematically create the space I need.

I haven't experienced 'assface' yet but I am sure my response wouldn't be ladylike.

Busy Bee Suz said...

This space invader issue seems to happen to me a lot as well...what is the problem with people? THIS IS MY BUBBLE...GET OUT.
Also, with the H1N1 and everything else out there..lets give each other some breathing room.
I think Santa will understand.

Tiffany said...

the kiosk peeps need to be stopped. seriously. i would have told him that i don't speak english...in english.

and the old lady--she's awful, but oh how i look forward to the day that i'm old and can say whatever want!

Dumblond said...

OHMYGAWD!!! Those people who have no concept of personal space bug the everloving s%^& out of me! I can't believe she actually bumped you...
I don't consider myself a violent person but people like that make me want to cut a beeotch!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have crowdaphobia. I would have bent over to tie my shoe and placed my ass in the old bag's space. If that didn ot work, I might have farted on her.

janis said...

LOL! Literally. I am at work, but YOU got me laughing! This is so me! I always want to twirl with my arms out and say,"stay out of my space! ARMS LENGHTH PLEASE!"

janis said...

ps... Crowdaphobia? I like that! I surely have that!

secret agent woman said...

Noe of those sound like Santa deal-breakers to me.

foxy said...

Oh, you could've been much, MUCH meaner to the lady who was standing entirely too close. You showed restraint and Santa will remember that. ;)

Happy new year to you, JennyMac!

shortmama said...

I would have said something to her too! I HATE when people get up my butt like that!

linlah said...

Nice that you can speak Italian. And when in line with an encroacher I find a step back onto encroacher's unsuspecting foot a bit of a deterrent.

mbkatc230 said...

You handled all of these situations beautifully JennyMac! As for the shoulder nudge, you handled that one far more courteously than I would have. MUCH more! I think you are safe for next Christmas lol. Kathy

The Boob Nazi said...

People are so OBNOXIOUS! I would've been tempted to nudge her right back.

Existential Waitress said...

Pretending that you don't speak English when being accosted by those jerks at the kiosks in the mall is ingenious!!! I need to brush up on my French and then maybe I could do that too.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I think you handled yourself perfectly in all situations.

When someone stands in my personal space, I always give them 'the look' and say, "Do you mind?"

I figure I'm good with Santa because no foul language has left my lips.

Baloney said...

She was in a hurry, don't you know?
Standing in line is the worst of the worst. I hate it!

WhiteSockGirl said...

And that is why I don’t queues. No nice / good can come from queuing.
I am sure Santa will be a good o’l boy and remove those from your record!!

Brian Miller said...

the good news is, you have all year to make up for it. smiles.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

AAARGH I got agitated just reading about lines. :) I hate people who have no sense of personal space in a line. It's like, "Do I really smell so sensational you have to practically be inside my coat? Do I have a magnet in my ass drawing you to me? No? Well back up, tailgater!" I also think the same thing when stuck in a traffic jam and the person in the car behind is honking his horn. What do you expect me to DO, moron, drive over the twenty cars in front of me? EFF OFF!"

Oh there. I feel much better now.

HalfAsstic.com said...

I am pretty sure Santa wouldn't have been the least bit offended if you had taken one step backwards and trod upon the bosom buddy's instep. I can see why you would worry, but he's a reasonable guy.

ByDSea said...

I think your pretty safe. Santa added them to his naughty list. Rude people suck.

Summer said...

OMGosh! That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves! I can't stand it when people stand too close to me in line! UGH! BACK UP ALREADY!!! It's like they think they will actually get to the front faster by being ridiculously close to you....soooo irritating!

Working Mommy said...

Hoooooooooooooooooooooow is it that I have not read your bloggy fabulosity until now?!?! I have been wondering WHY on EARTH I have been relegated to swaying in the corner like a wallflower when all the cool kids are out on the dance floor...it is because I was not a follower...but I am now - YAY me!!

~WM

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I don't think I could have been so nice. When I lived in Germany I came across this all the time. There is no personal space in that country. Your space is THEIR space.

Matty said...

Spoken like a true lawyer. However, Santa does not operate on the calendar year from January THROUGH December. He works off the Christmas to Christmas calendar. I think you better consult with the North Pole legal team on this one.

As for the other things, you were more than kind. Santa still has you on his "good" list.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

"I get a skosh uncomfortable"

I think skosh is going to be my new word now. Love it!

kys said...

She probably didn't know what alleviate means.

Santa will forgive you. He doesn't like when the Elves invade his personal space.

Badass Geek said...

I hate waiting in line, for so many, many reasons.

Milltini said...

See...I had a similar encouter with an 80-ish year old woman and the rotating door of my building--except she was on her cell phone being an a-hole and I was simply trying to get to lunch and back in my 10 minute window that I'm allowed (chained to the desk, you are chained to the desk!!!). BUT...I didn't say anything when she turned around and gave me a sassy "EXCUSE ME" as I (oh the horror) entered the rotating door and started, well roatating. I just stood there dumbfounded and then as I walked away 1 million things popped into my mind that I SHOULD have said. For starters, uh--lady...get off your dang phone and WALK! I think Santa would want us to stand up for ourselves and others when people are being jerks, regardless of age, etc.

Born to be Mrs. Beever said...

This is such a great post...I absolutely cannot stand it when people invade my personal space while waiting in lines...so ridiculous!

Living on the Spit said...

Ms. Mac...If this is you being bad then I have an issue because this is me being nice...no legal loppholes needed for you sweetie...you're definitely good. I promise.

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

You have an entire year to redeem yourself.

Emily said...

Ok, definitely not naughty with the woman in line...she had it coming! Personal space people! And did you seriously speak to the guy in Italian?! That's hilarious!

wendy said...

Ooooo I hate it when someone invades My Space.
and sometimes I think "mostly good" is about all we can muster eh

UberGrumpy said...

I was going to leave a witty comment then saw that you have 853 followrs. Bugger me - isn't that everybody?

La La La Leah said...

Um why did you take something back to C&B every thing there is awesome. It must have been broken. Also you need to stop going to the Lenox Square Mall only bad things happen to you there.

Also I blogged about you a big today.... and may have done somethin bad by having my label include the words: fist pump, woo-haa and JennyMac. I am sorry but probably will not change it.

Tsquared417 said...

I think you handled everything perfectly.

Loretta Markell said...

Thanks for your nice words about my photo of the blue moon. Your blog makes me laugh and I envy how professionally done it is.

otin said...

I had a guy in a store crowd me so bad that I looked at him and said, "Are you trying to fuck me?" That is not like me at all! I usually do not speak out like that.

Lauren said...

Personally space invaders don't deserve the "nice" treatment. I think you handled it beautifully! And I so wish I could speak Italian!

Intense Guy said...

Sometimes the best approach to these things is to skip the morning shower when you know you are going to be in a line for a while... :)

...and I don't think Santa would have objected if you had turned to this lady and decided to pick your nose just then....

Your legal loophole is going to be noticed! Next year all hells gonna break loose!

Luna said...

good for you for doing something about that. i hate space invader people. i usually have to deal with crap like this at a store. people just dont respect personal space.

sheila said...

Maybe you can ask Santa to kick her fat ass. Sorry. One of those days. But seriously, ask him.

Stephanie said...

I'm quite sure that Santa spends at least the week between Chtistmas and New Year's somewhere in the Carribean with a bottle of rum. You're good.

Ms Bibi said...

Since all incidents were handled with such class and grace I think you're in clear.

I hate when people in the line are crowding me. Even my kids know I need 2 feet of personal space to function normally.

Corrie Howe said...

You were much nicer than I could be. I get so stressed that I don't always know what's going to come out of my mouth before it comes.

Actually, I only like to think I act this way. Inside I'm much uglier than I am on the outside, but I suspect Santa and I both know how bad I really am.

;-)

CRY said...

I would have slepped her butt, heee heee

Herding Cats said...

I really think that personal space is a social skill some people don't learn. I actually teach my sixth graders about it. They get alll up in my space in the beginning of the year, but now they know that I have my "bubble" and I don't like it invaded. My motto? If I can touch you, you are too close!

M-Cat said...

Laughing about the arse in your face. Imagine if she had "let one" sneak out. Oy VAY!

And what is up with people and personal space. Like crowding the counter is going to make the line go any faster.

AnnQ said...

Sounds like you were completely reasonable to me!

Kato said...

Did you have a big purse? I would have slowly wedged it between us. Or shoved it. Either way, maybe she would have got the picture!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Whenever someone rushes me in line, I start to cough. Loudly. And forget to cover my mouth while turning my head. Clears some space every time. :-)

Kathryn said...

OHMYGOD.....Personal space, anyone?? Weren't you just a tad tempted to abruptly *COUGH* in that woman's face? Couldn't you dredge up a bit of snarky phlegm just to freak her out??

How else is she gonna learn??!

Inge' said...

Unfortunately, I am not so nice. I have been know to say on more that one occasion, "Back off!!! Even the police give me 5 feet jerk!"

I kept this rated g for your sensitive readers:)

Little Ms J said...

I absolutely hate it when people get that close to me. I just start sniffling and clearing my throat. Snot totally scares people.

Nathanael Rey said...

Ooooh, girl you are definitely NICE.

Okay, just moved into my new apartment and I went to Ikea in Paramus, NJ to pick out some furniture.... I passed the Crate and Barrel on the way, but I bypassed it being as Ikea is nicer on my poor college student budget. Anyways, that is neither here nor there. Long story short, I found out that I hate Ikea for many reasons. It's the stupidest place on earth and alot and/or most of their furniture is tacky. Going through the store is like a maze. Me and mum got lost twice. Also, self serve... huh? who thought up such an idiotic idea? the reason I am going to a store and buying furniture rather than wittling it out of wood, is so that you can get your ass up and help me with it. I almost died trying to pull out my box spring. Anyways, the point of this story is that by the time I got to self serve, I was in a bitchy mood with way too much shit in that tiny cart so I was trying to balance, and some biznatch almost barrels me over with her cart in her frantic search for plastic kiddie chairs. Out of my mouth slipped, "Scuse YOU, BITCH."

I liked the way that felt.

Grand Pooba said...

Most annoying thing ever!! Especially when you can feel their breath in your hair.

One lady was standing in line behind me at Best Buy with a huge cart of something and she continually jammed that damn cart into my heels every time I tried to move forward!

Seriously woman, I'm going to turn around and bitch slap you!


(I only wish I had your wit in social situations like that, I'm so passive aggressive I want to kill myself)

Mrs. C. said...

I suppose it would have been too tacky to suggest, when she first started snuggling into your space, that if she wanted to be that close to you she would need to buy you a drink first?

hotpants™ said...

Since it happened in 2009, it doesn't count against you for Christmas 2010. Those couple of days are "gimme days". :)

I hate it when people get up in my personal space. I probably wouldn't have said anything, but I would have shoved back.