Example 1: I drove the wrong way to work. The wrong way which included merging onto I-75 in the middle of the city in the middle of morning rush hour traffic. I can certainly get to my office from the erroneous route. But I can also get to Florida from Atlanta by going to Tennessee first. It can be done but it sure wastes a lot of F___ING time.
Example 2: In a staff meeting, one colleague was discussing a client who wears a beret. My ultra-conservative boss says, “Do people wear berets anymore?” To which I say, “I think Monica Lewinsky ruined that trend for everyone.” To which he says, “She did make the beret a bit infamous.” To which I reply (because I just can’t resist) “The beret amongst many other things.”
Example 3: Someone rather
Example 4: When on the phone with the company who monitors our home alarm system the service rep asks me to confirm my street address. I do. She corrects me on the pronunciation of the street I live on. I correct her while thinking: Yes, I get that hooked on phonics worked for you but I PROMISE YOU I am pronouncing it the right way. She says with edge, “Excuse me ma’am (which means bitch in the customer service world) I am just telling you what it says in the system. My response: You know what I didn’t request for Christmas? Your attitude. Put someone else on the phone.” Apparently that is my way of saying yesterday's concern for Santa and his list has evaporated.
Example 5: My boss comes in my office and I am listening to Judas Priest sing Another Thing Coming. Better than the Ludacris that was on moments before but thankfully my docking station has a handy remote. Judas Priest = not office theme song material for a reason.
Example 6: Our admin asks me when I want to calendar time to do a certain task. My response: Schedule that sometime between 2012 and never. And then we both laughed.
Example 7: On phone with JohnnyMac at lunchtime I say, “Please pour wine the minute you hear the garage door open indicating my return.”
Next three day weekend: less than two weeks away!