Monday, January 25, 2010

Monstered

My older brother, Tumbleweed (named for his extensive and ongoing travel) was here for almost a week over Thanksgiving. During that time, my car had a bit of an iDrive mishap and had to go the dealership. No problem, they take great care of their customers and gave us a loaner car. To that loaner car the following occurred:
 
TW and I take MiniMac on an outing. During that outing, I need to leave to pick something up. There is a secret surprise waiting for me in the car which I discover in the most unpleasant of fashions. A full and open can of Monster, my brother’s drink of choice, is sitting on the floorboard of the passenger side.  How was the surprise revealed? When I hit a bump and the can of monster exploded like a roman candle. Do you know this drink? It of the high caffeine content and the sickly sweet scent? What does it smell like? Like how I imagine a Chuck Trunks picture might.

As I am attempting to pick up the spouting drink and in the process, receiving more than a splash on me, my brother is repeatedly texting me to say “Watch the drink on the floor. Sorry!”

When I return to the outing, having mopped up what I could and deciding the floor mats are a lost cause, he apologizes to which I respond, “Ahhh. Worry not. I cleaned it up and what is done, is done.”

My brother eyes me suspiciously as perhaps he expected a different response. One clarification about our family: We are clean car people. You know how some people have a car serving as a library, or a closet, or a trash can, or all three?  That is not us.  In fact, certain people in our family have mini dusters in glove compartments to wipe down the dash while sitting at red lights. So this historical fact, combined with the revelation that, well, my brother has known me a long, long time and I am not exactly laid back. 

He hears my response to the effervescent Monster in the vehicle, and after processing that response in just a minor incredulous way, says, “WOW. You have certainly changed since having the wee baby.” I laughed like I have all the carefree attitude in the world at my fingertips.

Secret: It wasn’t our car.

When I returned the car to the dealership I let them know there was a spill on the passenger floorboard. The tech asked me if it was a little or a lot. I said, “Most of it cleaned up but the floorboards, yes, still retaining a splash. Or two. Or a half gallon.

During Christmas, older brother is back in town to visit. We go on another outing. As we return to the car from said outing, he kicks over his full and open can of Monster.
He says, “Damn, I just kicked this over. “
Me: Is it bad?
Him: It’s just a splash.
Me: Ok.

Wait, I know what that means.
Me: How big of a splash?
Him: Dime size???
Me: (After looking at my brother wading around in the pool of Monster on the floor) say: Are you $#^@#  nuts? Dime size according to Paul Bunyan?!?!”

He laughs. And as I began to gag from the marshmallow-peeps-dipped-in-cotton-candy smell, I say, "Even MiniMac doesn’t spill that much in the car. MONSTER BAN IN FULL EFFECT."
Him: At least it was less than the “splash” you disclosed to the dealership.
Touche.

One thing my brother learned: The smell of Monster doesn’t dissipate for DAYS and instead, lingers there in its noxiousness. A smell so ill even ants won’t come near it.  


Why did he just learn this: Because he wouldn’t dream of leaving full and open cans of Monster in his own car.

71 comments:

sheila said...

I'd say a splash is anything less than a gallon.

Kinda like the dealer telling you how many miles you get to a gallon. Yep, a splash is like that.

Secretia said...

I picked up an "erergy drink" in a convenience store last year and it said it was 11.5% alcohol, now that's energy PLUS!

Secretia

blueviolet said...

I had a ban on open substances in my car for years!!!!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That is a great story!! My truck is a mess...two kids, one big dog..a mess...

mo.stoneskin said...

Monster sounds absolutely revolting and after your experiences I hope it has been banned from within a mile of your person. Have you filed a restraining order?

Little Ms Blogger said...

I'm surprised you let people eat or drink in your car. I know people who don't for this very reason.

mama-face said...

I'm not all that much of a neat freak about my car; well, actually about anything...other then spilled drinks. Then I SCREAM bloody murder. I've scarred all of my children for life. The sticky mess is impossible to completely remove.

Ha. The last line about his own car killed me. You should accidentally on purpose knock over a drink in his car. Am I right?

Badass Geek said...

I'm surprised that stuff didn't eat through the floorboards. Monster is like battery acid.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Open container on the floor is just wrong. Hope it comes out.

Mighty M said...

They always spill when they are not YOURS! Darn kids. And brothers. :)

Cee said...

ewww...Monster is so gross! I would hate to have that spilled in my car.

I had a college prof. who drank it constantly. He was pretty wacky to begin with and the caffeine didn't help.

Tiffany said...

that drink sounds gross to the nth degree.

and please don't tell my husband you are of the clean car persuasion. he might try and woo you to replace his 'clean car' wife...

Ed Adams said...

If it had been my car, he would have been wearing that can as an enima.

mommaof4wife2r said...

stopping by from SITS today...you are hilarious! love your writing style! so fun...and monster...all i can say is eeeewwww! totally not me. poor car dealership...

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I've never smelled nor tasted that stuff. And I hope I never to do either. The worst was when my husband spilled coffee (something he is always doing...) in my car. No, he couldn't do it in his own car, he does it mine. I'm thinking it's a male thing...

Kaela said...

I try to be a clean car person, and I've finally reached the stage where I at least try to pick up all the things that COULD end up a part of your car every time I exit (soda bottles, napkins, a book someone gave you to read you have zero interest in). But I will definitely need to incorporate this mini duster thing, that would greatly improve my feelings of cleanliness within the car. Thanks for the somewhat anal but highly efficient suggestion!

Bossy Betty said...

I hate the smell of Monster. My college students drink it all the time. The only good thing about it is they actually look interested in what I am talking about during the first five minutes of ingestion.

Eva Gallant said...

I used to have a clean car; then I retired, and we sold my Hubby's car and now we share mine. It is no longer clean. 'Nuff said.

Susan Erickson said...

Brother and monster sound like irritants. Open can on the floor! Then leave it there! Twice! He must have been all hopped up on the caffeine. I once drank a red bull and was shocked at the caffeine rush. Kids drink this stuff! Sticky and stinky is another lovely quality in a refreshment!

Michael Rivers said...

I always try to keep my car clean but don't have the best of luck. I swear there is a family of elves living in there.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

I hate that smell after the first...oh, 30 seconds. Then it makes my jaw cringe.
Hubby drinks them all the time. He's never spilled in the car, (prob because they cost about $4 a can! lol) but he did spill an entire glass of red wine in the floorboard. (and his pants!) (I was driving) (I still swear it was an accident!) ;)

The Boob Nazi said...

I bet that smell is terrible! I can't drink those things.

Slamdunk said...

Very funny. I am glad your bro is not banished to riding in the trunk (or is that still a possibility).

I am also impressed that you have retained your "clean car" desires during the young kid years. Looking on the floorboards and under the seat in our vehicle where the kids sit resembles an episode of "Man versus Wild."

JenJen said...

If it smells anything like red bull, it tastes and smells like gooey baby aspirin.
GAG

Dumblond said...

How in the world are you able to retain your clean car habits with a little one?! I'm lucky if my kids don't have to peel themselves off the seats when they get out!
I hate those energy drinks. I don't know how anyone can stomach them.Ger-oss!

Brian Miller said...

took the boys out in my car the other day and they asked about drawing ont he back of my seat. no of course not, why would you even think that. well there are stick figures drawn already...

one of my clients graced me with his art last week. now i have to figure out which one...

Prosy said...

sounds like he needs a sippy cup

Alicia said...

i think tumble weed needs a sippy cup for his birthday!!

Herding Cats said...

If that was my brother who did that, he'd be dead. I hate the smell of Monster, Red Bull, etc etc.

jules said...

How did that manage to happen twice? What are the odds? Monster Ban in full effect!

Kristina P. said...

Eeewwwww, I can only imagine.

Tumbleweed said...

So...we gotta set the record straight here!
First...JENNYMAC spilled the first can...she HAD to leave, I tried to warn her, but when she went RACING off thingking she was Mario Andretti headed for the first turn at Daytona and NOT reading the text about the open can...well, I TRIED!!

The second time...it really wasn't (THAT) much and it was Monster Khaos...which is delightful to smell and drink for that matter!

And thirdly: I have this invention in my car (truck, actually) called a "CUPHOLDER." Its used to put open beverages in so they don't spill in the vehicle (I have F-O-U-R just in the front seat area!) her car has ONE dainty little cupholder that might hold a THIMBLE - on a bet!! And I have "husky mats" so in the off chance someone does manage to spill a little big of beverage I can immediately yank the mat and spray it down with a hose!!

I did offer to clean the mat...just so you all know...I tried to help clean up my mess!! But I don't think I need a sippy-cup, and I certainly don't need that 16.6oz can as an enema!! And yes, I also have the duster in the glovebox!!

Love You, JM...See you soon!!

TW

Pricilla said...

Brothers! They never change, do they?

DeNae said...

This is why diet Coke is the nectar of the gods. No sugar. And if you get to it fast enough, no stain. Of course, this requires you toss one of your children onto the spill to absorb the liquid with his hoody or maybe his hair, but still, the principle is sound.

Amanda said...

The smell of Monster makes me gag! I think it's the ginseng. So gross!!

Leah Rubin said...

Yikes! I'd say he owes you BIG TIME! Good thing blood is thicker than Monster...

(Wipes in the glove compartment? I'm VERY impressed!)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog about the photo! Made me smile! I'll work on the email thing ...

Those drinks are crazy ...like crack ... I only wish they had existed in law school? Could have saved me gallons of Mountain Dew consumption!

The Peach Tart said...

Well he got off easy. I would have made him detail the car mat.

JennyMac said...

HAHA...love my brother's response. AND he did offer to clean it..the gagging sweet vomitous liquid that I already cleaned up. LOL.

And no one wants a Monster enema. NO ONE.

Nyx said...

Ugh...Monster.

My youth group teens are ADDICTED to it. And I'm all "you're not going to have any stomach lining left!" and they're all "we don't care!"

Ah...youth.

I've banned it from my presence - I hate the smell of it. Well, mostly because of the smell. Also slightly because teens? Hopped up on Monster?

Pretty sure that's equivilant to some circle in hell.

Existential Waitress said...

First of all: my hubs drinks these sorts of drinks and they are so GROSS! He's always like, "wanna a sip?" Um no way in HELL!

Second of all, one time my Ex left a full unopened can of orange soda in my brand new car in 120 degree Las Vegas heat - and do you know how hot that means the inside of my car was? And do you know what happens to a can of soda when it gets that hot? Yup, it EXPLODED inside my brand-new car. It was dripping down every window - it was EVERYWHERE. Oh, was I pissed.

Existential Waitress said...

Just occurred to me: those energy drinks taste like that glucose drink they make you drink during the sugar test when you're preggo. Soooo disgusting.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I sympathize because that stuff (Monster) is RANK! I don't know how people drink it, it must rot your innards faster than acid. ICK.

Also, I'm with you. Clean cars all the way. My boyfriend likes to toss all his crap in the back of his car until it starts to interfere with his rear view mirror viewing then he might sigh and dump it all in the trash. Me, I like to have no clutter in there. None. I will have a fuzzy blanket, YES, but McDonald's wrappers and coffee cups? MAIS NON!

Skeezy boys!

shortmama said...

Dont ever get in my truck...its not messy in the trash all over sense...its the I live in the desert and there is always dirt and mud and rocks in it sense

Emily said...

Just the thought of that is giving me chills. I'm totally a clean car person...

Mommy Lisa said...

I can never get rid of enough dust...it seems like I live in a very dusty neighborhood for some reason. It does not look dusty, but everything inside, including inside our cars, is always dusty.

maybe its because I am allergic I notice?

Monster = Bad News! Too much caffiene for sure!

Kristin said...

A bottle of Knob Creek once exploded in my car. At least it wasn't a "splash" of bourbon. Ah ha ha

Laurnie said...

Ugh! My boyfriend drinks the stuff religiously, and the smell just makes me gag.

Mira said...

The fact that your brother is still living at this point? you must be a saint. And my car is a mess, but sticky drinks spilled by grown ups? Unacceptable...

Erin said...

I've never tasted or smelled Monster..and you are too nice, JM! I like my car neat, too, but with twins who are 4, it's kinda rough, especially in winter when muddy/snow/boots/salt/sand get in there. I am ready for spring!

Corrie Howe said...

When you wrote about trying to grab the exploding drink, it reminded me of our flight to England for my brother's wedding. My young son wanted a ginger ale, and one was found after some search.

When Josh opened it it streamed everywhere, mostly over the top of his chair onto the lady behind him. We were all lucky that she was laid back and laughed about the whole thing.

Vodka Logic said...

Shameful to say my car is all three of those other things... and if Monster smells anything like Red Bull..think motoroil I would have to sell the car.. not kidding. I HATE that stuff.

did the dealer make you pay for the mats?

Kato said...

Blech! Who leaves an open drink on the floor? I am with you sister! I would have yelled a tad myself.

Also, I have never tried Monster, I have never smelled it either. Because I know it will be VILE.

I hope the smell is gone!

Myya said...

Your brothers comment was hilarious! I was thinking why weren't these in the cupholder... he totally cleared that up for me! ha! Of course you are not going to let him clean it up... your already pissed from the whole situation, you have to clean it up yourself so that you can continue being upset about it all. I totally get that! I wish my car was clean... it used to be... having a backseat full of kids makes for a messy messy car : (
Funny post today - thanks I neede the laugh!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I spilled a fruit slushy in my car last week. The fortunate part is that it landed mostly on the driver's seat...and mom was the one who was driving.

secret agent woman said...

So apparently your brother leaned nothing from the first incident? I'd ban the Monster drink, too.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Uuuurrg! The smell of Monster's is horrendous.
JennyMac isn't there a cup holder somewhere in the vicinity of your brother? Because with his track record I'm thinking he needs one surgically attached to him. ;-)

Grand Pooba said...

Oh no, it happens once? I can forgive. Twice? Huh uh!

Nathanael Rey said...

I would have beat him.

AmyLK said...

Aren't brothers wonderful? I would have hit him! lol

Kathryn said...

Okay, so evidently bro's take on a "splash" and yours are entirely different. Would it be possible for MiniMac to fake an itty-bitty projectile vomit on said bro...I'm thinking a combo of apple juice and OJ (left out in the sun for a week would work) should be just about right.

As he sputters and gags in revulsion, you can mutter, "Oh, grow up. It's just a splash."

I'll bet he'll be more careful after that. Brothers are a PITA....right?

Little Ms J said...

There is nothing worse than the smell of Red Bull, so I can only imagine.

Ashley Stone said...

Left you something over at my place! : ) Have a nice night!

Lily Johnson said...

I absoltely hate the smell of most energy drinks so i can imagine the stench of a can full emptied in a car. i would nearly go gaga.

My name is PJ. said...

Food and drink are both banned in my car; my husband's is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

I would have killed your brother because I'm really nice like that. ;)

Tumbleweed said...

WOW, JM...FEEL the LOVE from your blogger crew!! Most want to hit, punch, or kill me!!! All that angst over a little spilled beverage...read - NOT A FULL CAN!!

I must say you do have some mighty fine readers to side with you so strongly.

OK...OK.... just to empathize and get on the same page with you all...I PROMISE no more open cans of the delicious Monster Khaos ( and it truly is Deeeee-lishous!! AND Orange in color!) in JM's car. Because she KNOWS how much I also LOVE her smooth ride - and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my abilities to ride in it!!

You'all are FUUUUNNNNNYYYYY...but I still don't need killin, a cupholder permanently implanted, or a can up my arse!! Thanks for all the fine offers, though!

TW

That Gal Kiki said...

Another fantastic post. OCD'ers beware the Monster. ;)

Angry Julie Monday said...

Monsters are very sweet and sticky. I kicked one over in Angry Husband's truck about a year ago. I can still see the stickiness and smell it. But oh my precious, don't mock the Monster. They are my addiction. I even had professional pictures of me taken with my Monster. There's one on my "About Me" page.

Vivienne said...

Further confirmation that energy drinks are evil and full of bad ju-ju.

M-Cat said...

Low-carb Monsters are my dirty little secret. And if I had spilled one, I'd be licking the floorboards to get the very last drop!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

"We are clean car people." LOL @ that line. I am sure your standard has relaxed a bit after you have MiniMac. ;-) It's sweet how you and your brother can read each other so easily.