Thursday, January 14, 2010

A trail of condom crumbs

During the first semester of college. I thought it wise and bright to invite my boyfriend to come home with me for a little weekend visit with my parents. The boyfriend of the infamous beer bong.  Nice. During that weekend, the following mishap took place.

One night after dinner, we sat around chatting with my parents and a good friend of my Dad’s named Jeff.  Jeff lived near us and was taking a night off while his wife was home with their five children.  As we wrap up our night, he hits the lav before departing. I take BeerBongMaker (BBM) out into our family room to watch a movie and minutes later we hear my mom erupt.

She is calling my Dad in what I would classify as an alarmed panic to come down the main hall toward their room. He, perplexed, makes haste in getting there. I tell BBM to wait there and I rush off to the plight.

They stand in the hall which leads to their room, my room, and the main bathroom. My Mom is pointing to an item on the carpet. My Dad looks at it a moment before he picks it up. It is a fully packaged unused condom. She knows it does not belong to my Dad.

Mom: That has to be Jeff’s. He just came from the master bathroom.
Dad: Well….
Mom: Why in the world would Jeff have a condom? His wife had a hysterectomy.
Pause
She: Oh no…do you think Jeff is cheating on his wife?!?
My Dad is tres uncomfortable as this unfolds. It is HIGHLY unlikely that Jeff is using condoms as he already has five children (and clearly doesn’t know how to use one) and his wife can no longer get pregnant.

Me: Silence is golden. Because my Dad now has an impression that is highly inaccurate.

It does not occur to my Mom for a nanosecond of time there are other potential and highly viable candidates for Owner of the Condom. One of those candidates sitting in our family room as this melee unravels.

Mom: You have to talk to him about this. I can’t imagine why he would have this with him?
Dad: Ok. LONG PAUSE during which he avoids eye contact with both of us. No one needs Colombo to figure out this mystery. 

I slink back to movie watching and biting my tongue before turning to BBM and whispering “You brought condoms to my parents house?!?!?! AND dropped one outside my bedroom?!?!?!! Excellent work, Hansel."

A multitude of  other comments were also shared at that time too including things like "you presumptive jackass" and "this is your idea of a great location?". All under my breath and all carrying the promise there would be no condom equipped activity in my parents house. Or perhaps ever.

His response, "How was I supposed to know?"
COMMON __________ SENSE?

We were NOT doing something that required condoms. And we were certainly NOT going to do something that did require them at my PARENTS house. But before I, all comfy in my glass palace, throw stones; I didn't hesitate to accept his beer bong gift now did I. Nor did I refrain from using it to consume dozens of ounces of Killians or PBR. Way to set the bar high for yourself, SassyAss.

Later, my Mom is actually quite disturbed by the previous scenario. Shall I walk the road of justice and tell her that there is a slight and ever so tiny chance that it was NOT Jeff’s? Or do I merely retreat like an 18 year old scaredy-cat because my parents are already on edge about the beer bong and this kid? Do I need to lay additional foundation for his homicide? Or can I hope for the best that it is all forgotten about in a day or two when I am back at the University safely tucked among my biology textbook and cozy dorm room.  And potentially no longer with a boyfriend. 

As you can imagine, Scaredy Cat conquered. My Dad knew all along but we have never discussed it because I was not about to tell him the condoms were in vain and were not even remotely part of my program. Not a conversation I wanted to have with Dad at 18. or 28. Or 38 for that matter. (He won't read this.) But I did eventually tell my Mom. Or at least I think I did. Or I wrote a blog post about it and look, the truth has been set free. And since she just flew in town last night for MiniMac's upcoming birthday, I can apologize in person if in fact, I had not shared this tidbit until now.

Is it too late to apologize to Jeff?


Update at 10 am: My Mom minutes ago admitted she laughed her arse off reading this...and then told me she did in fact NOT know and now it is she who should apologize to Jeff.

Double sorry Jeff!

94 comments:

Jules said...

I would have done the EXACT same thing. Blame it on youth!!! ;)

Secretia said...

Moms know a lot more than they like to admit. They talk to other Moms too. You probably do.

Fathers are big pretenders!

We kids are/were sneaky as hell and quite good liars too. ha ha

Secretia

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh awesome JM, just fab!
xxx
still smiling :)

otin said...

It sure is nice of you to come clean!

or was it Jeff who came clean?

I am confused, who came clean?

Ahhh, sexual innuendo, I live for this shit! hahahaha!

otin said...

....of course I wasn't really confused..... :)

The Peach Tart said...

Well even if he's stupid enough to bring condoms to the house, how did he manage to drop one near your parents'room?

the walking man said...

I would have asked you to drop biology until you got to grad school.

Pam said...

Way to come clean - in a blog post!

Tsquared417 said...

Wow. I think it's so motherly and hilarious that it didn't even occur to her that it could be BBM's!!!

Joshua said...

I didn't have this same thing happen.

Nope.

Never.

And I'm sticking to that line.

-Joshua

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I think that your mom didn't figure it out is hilarious!!

Kate said...

OH no the condom moment sounds so bad. I agree with you about the choice of location too. I sometimes suspect mothers know more than we give them credit for...
Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Chantel said...

LMAO...confessions rock. I wonder how many weeks your mum asked, "did you talk to him yet??"

And the bong was worth it.

Badass Geek said...

You seem to have had a lot of boyfriends who caused you a lot of familial trouble/embarrassment.

Lauren said...

Confession is good for the soul!

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

OMG JM!!! hahahaha!!!

What a great way to start off my morning. Thanks for this.

Libby said...

There are many a story I'd like to tell but cannot for fear of Grandma reading. Hopefully one day I will have the guts you did to own up to awesome experiences that make like more interesting!!

mbkatc230 said...

Yep, scaredy cat would have won in my house too. Good Lord, you really did kiss a lot of frogs, didn't you?? Kathy

mo.stoneskin said...

I've had a couple of moments when I've freaked out after nearly spilling a condom out of the pocket onto the floor in a situation that would do better without such a spillage.

Molly said...

that's kind of like when my own bong suddenly disappeared from my room...obviously my mom found it, but never said anything...maybe I should do a blog post confession of my own!

Slamdunk said...

Funny. I linked back and read your birthday post--great stuff. I am thinking that the info could be dumbed down and morphed into a "Parenting for Dummies" guide.

Too Many Hats said...

The confidence of 18 year old boys - he sure didn't get what he expected that weekend.

JennyMac said...

Haha BadAss Geek...it is ironic isn't it that during my formative dating years when I was admittedly on the naive side, that so many boys were NOT on the naive side and had sex on the mind about 24 hours a day. LOL.

af1blog said...

...and, if it had been the guy's luckiest of days and condom activity had, even unexpectedly, arisen and he had been WITHOUT, what would have been your complaint then?

See? Us guys just can't win... lol

Amanda said...

That is too funny. If that happened to me, I would have been mortified.

Have a great Thursday!

Visiting from SITS.

ShellSpann said...

I would have done the same thing! There are so many things my mom never knew and I've filled her in now as an adult. She think it's hilarious and swears she wouldn't have been mad at me if I told her when I was younger. I doubt that!

JenJen said...

I can't stop smiling at this post, SassyAss.
giggle.

My favorite part: presumptive jackass.
hahahaha

Bet you could have heard a pin drop. Your poor mom...hahahah.

mama-face said...

LOL. "Nice work Hansel" hahaha.

The hysterectomy part just kills me; is he having an affair? bahaha

Well, I guess you don't need me to replay your entire post. :)

Corrie Howe said...

And how much longer did BBM remain a boyfriend? And did he ever come back to your house?

Wow, I don't know. I don't think I'd want to have that conversation either.

Tia said...

bahahahahaha!!Great way to start my day!

Chanda the Eco-Cheap Mom said...

Oh my gosh! I think I might have died!!! And I definitely would have kicked the BBM in the shin!

Brian Miller said...

yeah...i think i have been there before...yikes!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, Poor JEFF!!!
We all did stupid stuff, but YOU have a great way of putting it all down on paper (computer) to share. Thanks, Suz

Michael Rivers said...

What kind of condoms? Textured, color, flavor, size? I need details. LOL.

Susan Erickson said...

My mother disowned me many times as a youth...now she calls it disinheriting...all because of my associations with friends similiar to BBM.I'm amazed you took him home in the first place. This is the stuff of family legend. My mother closes her eyes and tells the tales...Painful!

Ed Adams said...

Your poor dad.

I can't imagine my baby girl getting mixed up with condoms and such.

Beer Bong would have been a dead dude.

The Boob Nazi said...

That is mortifying. I would be shot and killed by my mother if that happened in her house.

Cathi said...

I bet you were definitely cringing big time....haha....that is hilarious! xxoo

Scrappy Girl said...

Oh I could see you squirming when your dad was figuring it out! LOL

Kathryn said...

Oh, God! This is hilarious! And of the 38 comments before me, I don't know if anyone addressed the BIG QUESTION (at least for me):

What would Jeff have thought about all of this at the time? 'Cause of course, he probably SAW the condom as well and assumed it was either your DAD'S (EW...he's like, DAD) or yours.

So, you don't think Mom will tell Dad? It won't somehow come up after a few martinis and a parental trip down memory lane? Does the pinky-swear still apply when you're a grown-up?? I'd check.

Eric said...

When you're carrying around eight or nine of them in you pockets, it's easy to drop one, just sayin'.

ps - hilarious story.

Dumbwit Tellher said...

Now that's a good story. Can't imagine what would've happen if that were in my household?! Greetings to your mother and how exciting that Mini Mac has a birthday coming up! xx

Herding Cats said...

It's kind of cool your parents didn't put you on blast in front of your boyfriend (or him for that matter). It's an awkward situation, but it could have been worse?

hotpants™ said...

Poor Jeff!

Leah Rubin said...

Hilarious! What a wonderful story! Of course you didn't tell-- what 18-year old would be able to do that??

I especially love the fact that your mom is finding this so totally funny now! She's obviously g-r-e-a-t!

And happy almost-birthday to Mini-Mac!

Ms Bibi said...

Poor, poor Jeff. I can't believe your mom didn't put 2 and 2 together.
Way to trust your daughter's 18 year old boyfriend , mom.

obladi oblada said...

I heart your stories. They are the best evar. Poor Jeff, indeed. I dont think I would have spoke up either.

foxy said...

That is SO FUNNY. I'm sure enough time has passed now that it'll be funny to your mom now too. Can't wait to hear what she has to say about it! :)

McVal said...

Just a question... did you marry the beer bong guy?

If yes - then nevermind

if no - then I would've dumped him immediately so the next time parents saw him they wouldn't be reminded of this little incident...

JennyMac said...

haha Val..I did break up with him but not for this reason. He was actually a great boyfriend but apparently his mind was highly consumed with getting me intoxicated and trying to get the goodie. LOL. The condom fell out of his pocket. WHY was it in his pocket? As if in between courses, there would be a fantastic opportunity? DING DONG.

Kristina P. said...

That is so funny! I hope Jeff forgives you!!

Mommy Lisa said...

And...being a good mom, she will now break it to your dad. ;)

Maureen said...

Accck! Poor Jeff... so I will assume nothing was said to him as his marriage survived? Sounds like an episode of Three's Company.

You know the one.

Where there is some kind of misunderstanding....

Existential Waitress said...

Oh this is just HILARIOUS for so many reasons. Poor Jeff with the five kids! Your poor parents - I even feel kinda sorry for the clueless beer bong boyfriend! Boys really are just led by their penises, they know not what they do. LOL! Great story.

Postman said...

How is it you're lucky enough to be in the middle of all this incredible situational comedy (and even sight gags, now)? Poor Jeff...mistaken identity. Lucky break, though. Once again, we have another gut-busting anecdote here, told in your inimitable style ("Do I need to lay additional foundation for his homicide?" really made me chuckle).

Myya said...

Any omission of guilt counts as taking blame so I say you just apologized to Jeff :)

Working Mommy said...

Isn't is great how blogging can just bring out those stories that you thought you mentioned but really never did??

~WM

Emily said...

That is hilarious!! Have you ever noticed that whey guys are real dumbasses they always ask, "how was I supposed to know?"

Red Shoes said...

God, what a GREAT read!! I needed this today!!

Maybe... just maybe... it was a subconscious thing... for him to drop a condom which would send the message that.. 'I'm bonking yer daughter!!'

As for Dads not having a clue, my son and daughter have tried every act in the book... so far, I've known most of them... ;o)

~shoes~

American in Norway said...

LMAO... what a brave brave soul you are... I would love to write about all of my ex boyfriends but i fear my children will actually end up reading my blog one day...
Great post..

Kr√ęg said...

Wow. The guy digs Pabst and you STILL couldn't find a way to make things work? Seriously, what more could a woman want?

shortmama said...

Sometimes parents are just clueless...a couple of years ago I had a confessional with my mom to clue her in on some things that she never knew LOL

Jen said...

I am so - SO - glad that I've never had moments like these. You poor thing - and your poor, over-productive brother :)

Pricilla said...

Remember, fathers were once 18 year old boys...with condoms.

Midday Escapades said...

Oh, Ms. JennyMac! You are one sly lady. You also have so many interesting stories to tell. I just luv ya!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh! SO funny. What a great Mama! My Mom called me freaking out the other day. I was worried something terrible had happened. Oh no, nothing terrible, it turns out she had just read on my blog that I was going to 'trick' Gary into giving me a baby and she did not know how on earth I could write something like this. Oh. My. GOSH! : ) She is a great Mom though : ) even with her quirks!

PS I can't trick Gary into giving me a baby. I don't know how.

Life is good! said...

tooooooooo funny! i would use Jeff as my scapegoat for the rest of my life!

Tiffany said...

common sense, indeed.
moron.

Erin said...

Reading this made me laugh, and also appreciate the fact that my mom was, at certain points in my life, pretty cool. I am very lucky. Of course, she was lucky too, as I was a good girl/daughter.

:-)

M-Cat said...

Poor Jeff!

And BBM? What a dumbass!

blueviolet said...

That's hilarious that he was blamed for it!

I only did that ONCE in my parent's house and got pregnant. It's just kinda gross when I think about it.

Dumblond said...

Whoa. That sounds about as awkward as when I went to my parents telling them I need to go on birth control when I was 18...right after I started dating someone...but hadn't slept with yet...

Salt said...

Good lord if that condom happened to end up on the floor, then it must have been in his pocket and not even in his wallet or something. Which makes it even MORE presumptuous because he could have just whipped it out at any given moment. Nice job, Beer Bong.

Life Laugh Latte said...

Oh my...there is so much I haven't told my parents...and I promise you I won't be blogging about those instances as well. You are very brave! LOVE the story. Holly

Buckeroomama said...

All h*ll would have broken loose if ever my dad found a condom in the house. Ugh, I could just imagine the drama that would ensue. :)

bluzdude said...

I learned to keep my, uh, "preparations" under wraps, from the time I was making out with a girl at college and after we stood up, she saw that one had fallen out of my pocket and was on the ground. (it was an outdoor event)

She was "unimpressed" with my having taken the responsibility to come prepared.

I don't recommend keeping them in the wallet either... they can flip out onto the table at the restaurant when you're paying the bill. (thus killing the reason you took her to dinner in the first place.)

J.J. in L.A. said...

My condom story is lame. I was 'dating' someone I met (online) who lived in Seattle. When he finally came down to visit, he mentioned packing condoms. I said, "If you're thinking of bringing condoms, don't bother coming...in every sense of the word." He came down - without the condoms. Or if he had them, I never saw them.

Ali said...

Oh, now THIS is good stuff right here!

Aunt Becky said...

Shit, I'd have been blaming it on the dog. You're fucking brilliant.

HalfAsstic.com said...

I know someone named Jeff and for totally different reasons, of course, I think of condoms when I think of him as well.
This bad behavior has now been reinforced. ;-)

kys said...

LMAO! Poor Jeff.

Jen said...

I say no apologizing needed.

Shell said...

Poor Jeff!

I would have been too scared to say anything about it, too.

Visiting you from SITS.

Lisa Anne said...

LOL Classic

Kato said...

Oh my word. I would have given myself away when my all-of-a-sudden dry throat starting clicking with every swallow and my wide owl eyes refusing to tear themselves away from the condom. Willing it not to say anything.

You poor, lucky girl. I would have taken the scaredy way out too!

secret agent woman said...

That's funny that your Dad was just quietly figuring it out. But, you know, at least the boyfriend had safety on his mind - that's a plus, right?

Baloney said...

Denial is a strong parental tool. I would never in a million years think it belonged to a neighbor!! Your poor mom. :)
At least she has a sense of humor!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

LOL. Did I tell you that you are a fantastic storyteller? Yes I have. Well, let me tell you again!

Matty said...

I think the funniest part of this story is mom not putting 2 and 2 together.

Em x said...

Brilliant story!! x

Teresa @ good-grace said...

Hilarious!!! omg...! Thank you for sharing. (Poor, poor Jeff! But do you realize how many belly laughs will result from the retelling of this story in the years to come? It's one of those great "hey, remember when..." moments!)

Daisy Whitney said...

Hilarious post and a great title for it!

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Haha I love this...Im literally cracking up!

Vivienne said...

LLOL, your mom and my dad might be cut from the same cloth.