Monday, February 15, 2010

Wiggle it, just a little bit

Is it too early for cocktails? Maybe but today I am the featured blogger at SITS. 

SITS (The Secret is in the Sauce) is a female blogging community built to support us and help us support one another as bloggers. If you are new to blogging, or new to SITS, go visit and see what a great resource Heather and Tiffany have built.  And welcome to the cocktail party, SITStas.  I am so glad you are here. 

As my bio indicates, this blog focuses on sharing observations on life, culture, parenting, relationships, and news. As well as all kinds of antics I have seen or experienced. For example? Well, let's get down to the wiggle...

On a ski trip to Vail with some girlfriends, I was reminded that a week in the delicious snow is always a good idea. And these girls knew how to maximize the hours and fill them with as much fun as possible. After multiple days of skiing and beverage consumption, I needed a long nap or at least, some down time. My friend LK comes up with the genius plan to skip the lifts one day and instead,  spend the day at Sonnenalp in the spa. Count me in. And how. 

I love massages and go as frequently as I can. There are numerous things about deep accupressure to be praised. Massage is good for the body and for the soul. So, after spending an hour or so in the sauna and steam room, breathing in the heady fragrance of eucalyptus and rinsing out countless sips of Fat Tire Golden Lager, we robe up and wait for our therapists.

I am soon greeted by an incredibly handsome man. My primary interest in the massage therapist is massage and massage technique. However, he was so handsome, my friend LK wanted to trade. On the spot. While I do not go to the spa with lascivious thoughts or the underlying theme of ‘happy endings’ perhaps I can't say the same for LK. He laughed and told her she would just have to make another appointment.

I am face down on the table, shrouded in sheets. He begins to work his magic. I am not a chatty chatster during my massage appointments. It is likely the only time I am truly quiet outside of sleep so I make it count. I am being prodded and kneaded. I am on the verge of blissful relaxation. Until this happens:

While I am face down, he does the origami sheet trick so that my leg is exposed but none of my lady bits. He clasps my foot and in the motion of lifting my entire leg off the table, he begins to wiggle it. More than a little bit. In fact, its wiggling so much I began to think he might be trying to jump rope with that thing.

Does it hurt? Not a bit. But spinach in your teeth doesn't hurt either except it's not that pretty to look at, is it? My issue is purely aesthetic. Unless your rib-to-knee area is made of lonsdaleite which is the hardest substance on earth. Or made of diamonds, which are much prettier, maybe the lower torso wiggle won’t be an activity you sign up for readily. Was I being vain? OF COURSE. Of the two people in the inky dark room, only one of us even cared.

Vain or not, do I want my arse and thigh shaken as if they were a pair of dice held by an enthusiastic man with a pile of money riding on a Craps table knowing if he wins Chesty LaGoGo might become his new wife? No.  

And while the wiggle le jiggle was going on, I only wanted it to end. As in let's not wiggle it, even a little bit. Nothing about your leg being whipped around like an al dente spaghetti noodle has any appealing allure. Oh, and it doesn't help you relax.

After that, we worked into some hot stones. Much better.  Afterward, LK asked me how it was. I told her she should definitely make an appointment with him. And since I was already not relaxed, I couldn’t wait to get back to the slopes AND another pint of Fat Tire.

333 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 333 of 333
Existential Waitress said...

Man, could I go for a massage right now - it's been for ever! Happy SITS day!

Kristina P. said...

Congrats on being the featured blogger! You totally deserve it.

Holly said...

Happy SITS Day! Not much of a massage here, but would be even less of one after that.
Holly

Rebecca Knight said...

I don't want anyone shaking my "jelly" either, JennyMac! YIKES!

I agree with whoever said more fat tire PRE massage from now on! ;)

WhisperingWriter said...

Happy SITS Day to youuuu! :)

mom2kmjx2 said...

Happy SITs Day!!!

Lacie @ Creative Attempts said...

lol this is seriously one of the funniest things I have read in like forever. I love a good massage but i agree this totally would have killed it for me, hot theripist or not ha ha
Happy sits day

Kristen said...

Happy SITS day - congrats!

The Muse said...

Happy SITS DAY!

Natalie at Mommy on Fire said...

Oh, seriously. This is so timely! I'm about to go on a ski trip with my husband in three days! I have never been skiing but had decided it would be worth it because of the available spa at the resort. Hee, hee...Loved the story!

What a great blog - you are a funny writer!

A New Mom said...

Happy SITS Day! Yeah I love massages - but I hate that wiggling feeling. Why do they hafta wiggle (I mean legs not the therapist) LOL

The Thriftress said...

I think I will stick to female massage therapists. ;)

The Garden Bell said...

You are too funny. Congrats on your SITS day. I am recovering from a V.O. night... {Vancouver Olympics} that is...

Kate - The Garden Bell

Nadia@FunWithMama said...

Happy sits day, congrats! :)

Anonymous said...

That is so funny...the last massage I got they did the same thing...I really don't see the point in wiggling and jiggling my fat around! lol!

iheartbowheads.blogspot.com said...

Too funny!!!!! Enjoy your SITS day!

The Nice One said...

Oh Good Gravy.
I am like you- I love me a massage, and really want 0 talking, just lots of relaxing and good, HARD rubbing.
I wouldn't have relaxed knowing a handsome man was watching my body wiggle like JELL-O

Debbie in Nashville said...

Too funny!

Congrats on your big day!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my gosh...my husband just came in the room to see what I was laughing at so hard. I am totally with you on this one! There's no way you can relax when you feel like a big ol' jello jiggler on the massage table. Aren't you supposed to feel good about yourself when you go to the spa?!

Anonymous said...

HAPPY SITS DAY!

I can't tell you the last time I had a good massage...

What is wrong with that picture?!

Simply Stacie said...

Happy SITS Day!!

Cougar Tales said...

I love when I know the FB! Enjoy your SITS Day today! Have a great week! Another snow storm on the way for us...maybe I'll have to stay warm by booking a massage.
- Cougs
www.cougar-tales.blogspot.com

Tristina said...

Grats on SITS day! Your blog is hilarious.

My husband's massage story is one that he actually gets red talking about. We were both given a spa day as a present which included massages and pedicures. My husband went to go get his massage and, after seeing all the cute little girls running around, was really looking forward to it - until his masseuse, a rather large man, walked in.

Yes.

I laughed at him a good long time for that one.

Jeannett Gibson said...

happy SITS day!

http://gibsonsurprise.blogspot.com/2010/02/giveaway-material-gal-fabric-bundle.html

jessica jones said...

HAPPY SITS DAY! I AM NO A FOLLOWER

Stephanie said...

Hello! Stopping by from SITs. LOVE your blog and this post! I too have had some "not so relaxing" experiences when trying to get a relaxing day in at the spa, but nothing to this extent! Hope you have a wonderful day and I'll be sure to visit again soon!

SamiJoe said...

congrats on your SITS day! your blog is beautiful and you are such a beautiful writer!
Love reading here.

Katie said...

Happy SITS Day. Cracking up at your massage story!! Glad it was still relaxing though!

Deidre said...

eek! I know the feeling well - not of the leg wiggling, I can't say massage therapist has ever done that to me, but I always get really nervous when people touch my feet and it totally pulls me out of the relaxation mode.

Aurora said...

Congrats on being a featured blogger. i still can't get the nerve to go get a full body massage - i know i'm missing out - but your experience just kinda reinforced why not to go there....maybe some day when the timing is right (i'm tipsy, at a resort, spa place has an opening) i'll do it. the hot rocks sound good (as does the flat tire)

Rebecca Watson said...

happy sits day!!!!!

http://justcherishtoday.blogspot.com

Crissa Pollmann Robertson said...

I had a male massgae therapist tell me that in order to loosen up my shoulder he needed to massage my sternum since all the muscles are connected. MY STERNUM!? YOU MEAN MY CLEAVAGE!!!???

carma said...

whooo-hooooooo-hooooooooo It's Jenny Mac Day!! Sit back, relax and enjoy (but don't get a wiggly jiggly massage to spoil the day ;-)

Anali said...

Happy SITS Day! Now that is one unexpected massage story! ; )

Kaylen said...

Yes - massages are wonderful, if you can set aside any and all vanity issues. Sometimes I want to apologize to my my massage person for what they are going to have to touch....it just doesn't seem fair to subject them to this mess of mine!

Happy SITS day!!!

secret agent woman said...

I'd hate the wiggling thing, not being made of any hard substance.

simplysandi said...

Happy SITS Day! Great blog, great story.. reminds me that it's been too long since I've had a massage.

Jodi Widhalm said...

Comic relief in the middle of my day! Thanks so much! Just stopped in from SITS and so glad I did!

lynn said...

Happy SITS day! I've never had a real massage. Not so sure I want one now!

Virginia Mom said...

Visiting from SITS... can't say that I've ever had that happen in a massage! I don't think that I would have left there very relaxed either... but the next time I booked a massage I'd be sure to get a "less attractive" masseur!!!! :)

Lisa said...

Love your story! A much needed laugh. Enjoy your SITS day!

I Wonder Wye said...

What did he expect to pop out of your arse?? Wiggle or not it sounded heavenly. Enjoy the vaca.

Anonymous said...

Happy SITS day! Congrats.

Did LK get her massage? I'm DYING to know!

Richella said...

Ummm, a massage. It's been too long since I've had one. Maybe I'll make an appointment--and I'll specify no wiggling.

Happy SITS Day!

Mommie Daze said...

Have to day I've never heard of the wiggle massages. Does that cost extra?

Joy said...

Hopefully you didn't tip this joker.

Congrats on your SITS day!

GunDiva said...

Sweet Jesus, Girl. I'm not sure I like having to wade through 244 comments just to leave my little comment here. But, since I love you JennyMac, here I am with my two cents. I love this post and I love that so many other people love this post.

I don't like the "shake" either, even though I *know* that it's a "real" massage technique. I don't want my jiggly bits jiggled at all. Period.

GunDiva said...

And you so deserve to be the featured blogger! Didn't mean to sound bitchy about sharing you...you do so, so, so deserve this!

www.thehusaileybunch.com said...

Happy SITS day you silly girl!

Amy B. said...

Stopping by form SITS -- I can tell I'm very much going to enjoy your blog!

Mama B said...

Happy SITS day!

I am still laughing, no one should be wiggled. I know why he thought he would do it, but really...no women wants to be wiggled like that, unless maybe your an athlete...

K a b l o o e y said...

Hey, JennyMac- this is the very first time I actually know and follow the SITS Priestess of the day. So feel free to skip my thank you note, unless it comes with chocolate (I'm nice, but no fool). Your post was very funny as usual, but it did make me picture George Costanza getting a massage from the buff guy and getting terrified when "it moved." Meaning -- his manhood. (Egads, I just called it "manhood"; maybe I should write a Harlequin romance.

MessyMissy said...

As a massage therapist, I can see the importance of the technique he was using....and now, I see why it's good to avoid it unless absolutely necessary. ;-) It had never occurred to me to see it from an aesthetic point of view. Hilarious post, thanks!!

JDaniel4's Mom said...

Happy SITS day! It sounds like you had a wonderful time.

The Insatiable Host said...

Congrats and thank you for your post! I absolutely love your site and posts and mentality basically...you are a superstar. Visiting from SITS and congrats on the blogger of the day!!

danon

www.insatiablehost.blogspot.com
www.pantypyramid.blogspot.com

Jesslyn said...

Happy SITS day! That leg wiggling is TOO funny! I've had many a massage but never a fat jiggling move like that.

anne said...

too funny, i can picture it!! happy sits day, anne

Monika said...

Congrats on your SITS day!

OC Fun Blog said...

WoW! I have never been wiggled or jiggled on any of my massages. That is hillarious.

Happy SITS Day & COngrats on your feature!
Angela
www.ocfunguide.blogspot.com

Sarah Ruth said...

Happy SITS day!

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, how very annoying! I love your post and your writing. It's so peppy! You've probably never heard that one before, but truly it is, so vibrant and full of life.

I had a hot massage guy one time offer to give me massage tips on how to rid myself of cellulite!

My sister had a new masseuse at her regular massage place ask my sister if she could try a new massage technique on her. The woman climbed on the table, held onto the water pipes on the ceiling and proceeded to walk on my sister's back. My sister said she felt like she was being crushed by bare feet. That masseuse ended up getting fired for breaking the water pipe and sending water gushing over her client. The massage place had no idea she was standing on client's backs.

It seems that the massage world can be a weird and disarming place. Thanks for the great story.

Crystal Escobar said...

haha, LOVE your way of describing a massage :)
Congratulations on your SITS day! How exciting for you!

North West London Girl said...

Very happy Sits day.

Hilarious post, I could picture the whole thing...

Cinnamon Hollow said...

OMG I can only imagine. I get embarrassed when I wiggle in the belly and mommy bottle areas if I laugh too hard, lol.
Happy SITS Day!
~ Crystal

sandandstarfish said...

I couldn't help but laugh trying to picture all of this going on in my head. What a weird weird massage, even if it was from a hottie ;)

Wendy (The Local Cook) said...

Happy SITS Day! Your spa day sounds heavenly.

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

I left something for you on my blog. Yes, it is a bribe for that number.

Unknown Mami said...

Have a great SITs day!!! I was already fully aware of how wonderful you are.

That massage sounds like my worst nightmare. I don't need help wiggling it or jiggling it and I certainly do not want to pay for it.

Jayde said...

How horrible to have a non-relaxing massage! I have had 2 professional massages in my life and I have thouroghly enjoyed both! Congrats on being the SITS Feature today!

Mighty M said...

Very funny story! I am so glad you are having your SITS day today! I just love reading your posts!!

And yes, very good to be so near the beer so you could drown away your insecurities. If only for a while.... :)

Jennifer said...

Happy SITS DAY!!

Ali said...

Congrats! That is SO exciting! Love SITS.

PS: Change of address! I'm now at thewayaliseesit.blogspot.com. :)

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

Oh my, there's nothing worse than a non-relaxing massage! Happy SITS day! I'm following your blog :)

Kristina Petrella said...

I will never ever be able to have a massage ever again without thinking of your story. LOL!

Missy said...

Well, I have never had a massage, but I have always wanted one. I may change my mind now. LOL

Happy SITS day!

mbkatc230 said...

I can only say that "the wiggle" definitely made the Fat Tire not only earned, but needed! Kathy

Melissa @ Cellulite Investigation said...

Who doesn't love a good embarrassing massage story? Happy SITS day!

Tammy said...

Great story...I can't even imagine! Happy Sits Day to you. I am definately going to be a new follower...can't wait to come back and read some more.

Have a great Monday!

Merry Mack said...

Happy SITS Day! I was laughing my butt off. This happened to me the last time I got a massage. Thankfully, it wasn't a hot guy giving the works, but I still didn't like it.

Heidi said...

lol! That's too funny.

Happy SITS day.

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

Once again, I have to say thanks for the laugh...and the visual! I love massages, too, but often have a hard time relaxing because of the body images running through my head. It’s a bit reassuring to know I’m not alone. Now I plan to check out SITS.

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

Once again, I have to say thanks for the laugh...and the visual! I love massages, too, but often have a hard time relaxing because of the body images running through my head. It’s a bit reassuring to know I’m not alone.

Kita said...

Not only is this post funny but it totally takes guys to share it with anyone outside of your inner click. I totally respect that!
Happy SITS day!

Diane @ InMyOwnStyle said...

Hi JennyMac-

Happy SITS day. I hope you are enjoying a coktail or two to help you celebrate your day. You tell a wonderful story. I enjoyed a few of your posts after reading about your massage. You have a nice way of writing. Enjoy your day.
Diane

Kim said...

Well, that does sound like a bit too much wiggling. Glad you had a fun follow up to look forward to. Happy SITS day!

Janet said...

I love getting massages too, but you're right, that doesn't sound relaxing at all!

Congratulations on your SITS Day!!

Hannah said...

Wow... what an experience! Your description of the massage is so well written and so vivid, I almost felt like I was right there with you ....

www.FunnyPhotosContest.com. Submit CUTE or FUNNY photos and tell friends to vote. $2,000 in prizes. No entry fee.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Visiting from SITS...and also noticing you are a KU alum as well? I got my BA there. I still adore Lawrence. Great post and witty blog!
T

Kim - In Search of Me in Mommy said...

Oh - so funny! I just had a masage cancelled on me and I am bummed...but when I reschedule I am going to have to check to make sure no wiggle technique is used! Happy SITS day!

Fiftiesmom said...

Happy SITS day! I don't think I would have been able to take having someone jiggle me like that! I've really enjoyed reading your posts.

Sharlene T. said...

Happy SITs day! What a great day you had -- to end it with a lifelong anecdote! I'm assuming you were able to 'gracefully' leave the parlor after such an invigorating session!
Stop by my place and say hello. Thanks for sharing your day.

Kelly Jo @Typing One Handed said...

Congrats on your SITS day! My husband kept asking what I was laughing at. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has gotten a little self consious during a massage!

Anonymous said...

Funny!
I hope you are enjoying your day SITSta! I know I am late in posting a comment, but I hope you will have time to visit me too!
I'm off to read some more of your posts!http://mymontessorihomeblog.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Visiting from SITS....I read your post about the KU vs. KSU game? Are you a KU alum?
Great blog...I'll be back!
T

Kato said...

Congrats on your feature my dear!

And oh my...that would have made me feel MORTIFIED. I would have stiffened up like crazy, so it would have been uncomfortable for not only me, but him too.

How....not relaxing. I love that you told your friend to make an appointment with him. HAHAHA!

Just Lisa said...

Happy SITS day!

I Love Pretty Little Things said...

Oh My!!! That is quite a moment! Ha ha

Skooks said...

LOL! I have very little experience with massages, but I could so picture everything you were saying with this one. That was hilarious. Happy SITS day. :)

Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents said...

Visiting from SITS! This baby boomer needs a massage like that! Ski slopes will find me in the lodge.

Looking around your blog a bit more!

Anonymous said...

I love it when blogs I follow are featured. I hope you enjoyed your special day.

Ms Bibi said...

I think I would die on that table. Talk about NOT relaxing massage. I would need more then a pint after that to forget about it.

jessalyn said...

um. yeah. anything shaking on my body is bad news. unless i am shimmying and the girls are shaking. and i am liquored up. that is the only time things can shake.

congrats on sits day! you are awesomepants- you deserve it!

Geeta said...

Ahh I know precisely what you're referring to. Beeeeen there. You can't help but wonder though, even if it is their job, are they thinking about how much wiggling is going on?!

Happy SITS dayy!!

Sabrina said...

LOVE your blog!!! Happy SITS day!

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

Happy SITS day...great story to tell on your very special day! I think I'd be a little on the "hey-stop-doing-that-right-now" stance also! So did your friend book him next?

Christian Mommy Writer said...

Congratulations on your SITS day! I had my first massage last year. It was an interesting experience, but nowhere like yours! :-) Lol

Anonymous said...

This post made me smile.

Once, and I was out of town, I was desperate for a massage. With great trepidation, I booked one with the only masseuse on staff -- a man.

When he appeared in the reception area, tanned, tall and handsome, I almost bolted. Turns out . . . he was blind. When you can't put a face with the fat, it helps somehow. I know, I know. Makes no sense at all.

dawn said...

Happy SITS Day!
I thought I already left a note, but guess I only dreamt it!

Your wiggle-y experience is why I don't do massages... nor chiropractics, unless absolutely necessary!
Not sure what makes it absolutely necessary yet, but I am sure I will when it happens!
Keep up the great posts!

Mama Michie (aka Michaela) said...

That massage story cracked me up, but I would agree... I wouldn't want my body wiggling like that either!
Happy SITS day to you!

Andrea said...

Happy SITS day Jenny Mac! Hope you had a better Valentines Day than you did massage!

Cheers!

Angry Julie Monday said...

CONGRATS on your day!!!!!!! I hope it was a good one!!!!

Lan Nguyen said...

Happy SITS Day! That sounds like a painfully awkward experience. At least you got a funny blog post out of it. I cracked up when you compared the wiggling to man shaking a pair of dice at the craps table. :)

aladdinsane12 said...

happy SITS day! the first (and onlY) time i ever got a massage, the masseuse ended the massage by pounding on my butt with her fists. i burst out laughing!

Jen said...

Happy SITS Day! I'm so happy for you!

Hm, I'm all for massages, but all against those awkward moments. What do you do with those? Do you speak up and ask them to stop? Do you grin with your face in the pillow and bear it? Do you resist? Ugh, it totally ruins your relaxation.

Sounds like a good week though: skiing and spa'ing, two of my fav things!

Shirley said...

Well... Congratulations on your SITS day!

Rowe said...

That's so funny, the way you have described him jiggling and wiggling your leg. Well done on your SITS feature, too. You write with great gusto, JMac.

Candy (Mama Lion) said...

absolutely hysterical! dropping in from SITs and loving it!

citymouse said...

Hell, my whole body would have been wiggling like Jell-o. Good or bad, I don't think I'd let that get in the day of a massage.

More Than A Mom said...

Happy SITS day. Love the wiggle, not! story :)

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I don't love massage and it's because of stuff like that. Or at least the idea of stuff like that. I am way too uptight and always thinking about how fat and gross I must look lying naked on a table in front of a random stranger. NOt to mention if someone, esp. a hot dude started shaking me so all my fat was jiggling like a 7 layer jello. Oh no.

Heather said...

Yay for SITS! What a great wit you have, thanks for the laugh this morning!
-Heather @ www.savingmoneylivinglife.com

BlueRidgeLady said...

Oh this post made me laugh...I know exactly how you felt! Onetime I treat myself to a pedicure, I can't wait to just relax and have the foot massage part of it all.. then all hell breaks "loose" when he turns on the massage chair! OMG I thought it was going to vibrate me to death! Every cell and body part was shaking right in front of everyone! I want to scream..."turn that damn thing off"! So, I finally must have said something or maybe he did turn it off, then they proceed to the body salt scrub they use on my lower legs....well...I don't know about ya'll but I HATE that stuff! Maybe my legs are just tender, but it hurts! So here I am trying to relax and I'm so tense I am about to jump out of my skin, skin that is being messaged with a mixture of fiberglass and sand! That just doesn't match!! So I could really identify with your massage!!

Erin said...

I was out of town over the long weekend and am catching up now---I was in Breckenridge, CO, and we drove over to Vail one of those days, too! I also enjoyed a massage while we were there. Soooo nice. I've never had a male masseuse, though, but that doesn't mean I don't think about how nasty I look to the person who's manipulating my muscles!!

Erin said...

and CONGRATULATIONS on your SITS day!!

AmyLK said...

I really need to make more appointments at my local spa. Its heavenly!

Ela said...

I had no idea about SITS, now I do! Congrats on the feature missy, now I have to share you with more people and be comment number 326 haha!!!

Talk about getting the wiggles out.
I'm sorry you had to pay for that *massage*. That does not sound pleasant. The hot stones however, that sounds divine.

Kristi @ Live and Love...Out Loud said...

I feel horrible for missing your SITS day, but I love this post. You made me choke on my sandwich though. It's a good thing I didn't require the Heimlich manuever! You probably would've felt bad. Just kidding.
Thanks for the laughs with this one. Oh, and thanks for stopping by my blog.

Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
@TweetingMama

Grand Pooba said...

I totally missed your SITS day!!!! I am a bad, bad friend. Had I known, I would have hopped online immediately!

Congrats!

ComplyKated said...

I've had that little "trick" done and yup-- no way to relax with the wiggles going on. Congrats on being featured.

Dumblond said...

Fat Tire! Woohoo!
I think I would enjoy a massage...if I could get past the idea of a stranger touching me like that...
*shudder*

MommyToTwoBoys said...

I am laughing way too hard picturing this scene! Happy SITS day!

Kekibird said...

Happy SITS Day! Yes, I know...behind as usual! But I still wanted to stop by and say hullo...

Funny, I'm not a fan of male masseuses. I get all shy and what not. And the "wiggle it, just a little bit" routine there, not something I could handle. I'd have wet myself with uncontrollable giggles!

Kristin said...

Whatttttttttttt? I missed your special day? That's what I get for going out of town. I hope it rocked!!

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 333 of 333   Newer› Newest»