Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Wedding Toasted

While in grad school, a friend of mine, S., invited me to a wedding. I love weddings. But primarily of people I know so I proffered up many excuses why I couldn’t go. He promised it would be fun. And he didn’t want to go alone. Need I be the one to remind him that when you are in the wedding party you barely get to talk to anyone because you are busy. But he was a good friend so I agreed to go. Then he told me who the groom was. A friend of his from childhood I had met once during a basketball game. This man was crazy. And not Dukes of Hazzard crazy either. More like Deliverance crazy. Too late to say no, I asked myself how bad could it be.

Here is a tip: Never, ever ask yourself this question if unprepared for the answer.

At the wedding, the wedding party looked wonderful. I was a bit surprised that the entire ceremony lasted 8 minutes. And that included flower girls walking down the aisle. 

At the reception, I am invited to sit at one of the head tables since my friend is in the wedding party. No thank you. I mean, of course. At the large round ten top, I am directly across from the groom. He seems dipped in gin. He tells a highly off color joke. I had also seen him slap his wife right on the arse earlier. I begin referring to him as not as The Groom and instead as The Doom. 

S. goes to the bar and out of the blue, The Doom he asks me why I won’t date S. I am certain he can not be directing that towards me but sure enough. I reply that we are just friends. He, with a pretty heavy scowl, continues to probe. He says S. is like a brother to him. He only wants S. to be happy. I think to myself, do you? Start with shutting the ____ up. That will make S. happy, or since S. is not here, it will make me very, very happy. I seek out S. but, curses, S. is still at the bar.

The Doom is like a backwoods version of Johnny Cochran peppering me with questions.         S. and I have been friends for years and don’t date and don’t want to date. But I don’t share my responses with The Doom or the entire table. Instead, I save my responses in my inner monologue. S. finally returns and listens to The Doom for one minute before redirecting the conversation. 

For about 20 reasons, I want to leave and The Doom is just one of them. We have a few cocktails and soon it is time for toasts. The best man rises to give his toast of run for your life lady to the bride of good luck and future blessings to the happy couple. Since I am also sitting in front, I can see all of the family members including elderly grandparents and aunts and uncles. As the best man takes the microphone, The Doom hops up and grabs it out of his hand. I believe The Doom should not be near fire as his amount of consumption has made him both toxic and flammable.

Into the microphone he says this in a slurry, spitty fashion: Its my weddin’ day and I am going to get DRUNK and I am going to get LAID. 

He is on a MICROPHONE in front a very captive audience.  

What did I wish for? A video to capture this priceless moment and the bride’s face? No. I wished for paramedics to keep the bride’s grandmother from having a heart attack on the spot.

S. turned to me and said, “You can leave anytime you want.”
Except I couldn’t hear him over the firing up of my ignition and gravel spinning under my tires. 

I have yet to attend such a "colorful" wedding as this. I am so lucky.

103 comments:

Cybil said...

Wow! That's all I got - wow!

Kristi Faith said...

lol I'm sure he had a rough night that night! Oh goodness, what alcohol will do to an already obnoxious person.

Sunday said...

I'm with Cybil...WOW!
That is one helluva train wreck.
But I have to know...are they still married?

Dual Mom said...

Sounds like a lucky bride! lol

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Were you at my weddings?? And, the s at the end was not a mistake.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wow! I really wish I had met Doom before my hubby. He sounds like a winner.

Seriously, he is EXACTLY like my ex brother-in-law....ahhhhh.....one of the joys of my divorce is NEVER seeing his family.

Wow, that happy thought is much better than a massage.

blueviolet said...

Wow, he seems to be a catch. Not.

the walking man said...

The groom that needs be that well braced for a wedding is indeed not well groomed for the race he has taken on.

I at least held myself to two double shots of bourbon before and no liquor afterward. Seeing as we were paying for our wedding this one time I wanted to remember the day clearly. Besides the man is a fool who gives his wife THAT MUCH ammunition after just having signed a binding contract.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

You know, when I first started reading this, I thought, "No! You shouldn't hesitate to go! ALL weddings are beautiful, even when you don't know the bride and groom!" Then I read on, and realized how very, very wrong I was!

Glad you survived! S OWES you!!

Sarah said...

Oh wow.

SmartBear said...

What a prize idiot! Are they still married? At least there was alcohol...my 19 year old, UBER religious cousin was married. I was forced to be one of her 14 bridesmaids. The colors were watermelon and pink. I had to wear watermelon. The wedding was at 5 and reception was at 6. There was NO FOOD, NO ALCOHOL and all christian music playing. I couldn't get out of there (and out of the dress) fast enough. I would rather watch a drunk redneck wedding than experience that again. Did I mention I was the oldest bridesmaid by about 6 years? And I had to calm the virgin bride down in the bathroom before the ceremony because she got her period at that moment and was devastated. They brought the slut cousin (me) in to stable the situation.

BigSis said...

I'm rather certain I dated Doom before he met his bride. Too bad you can't install a breathalyzer on a mike, huh?

Too Many Hats said...

Hahaha - I'm sure you got a few pointers for your own wedding there - did you remember to include banjos at the reception?

mbkatc230 said...

One question. Do you and S still speak? Actually two questions. Are the happy couple still married? Yikes, what a way to start a life together. Kathy

Kiki said...

my husband made a similar speech at our wedding. just kidding. that poor bride. she must have been mortified. well, you got a great post out of the experience. thanks for sharing. take care.

Just Add Walter said...

wow what a catch.. that is just terrible! I would crawl under a rock and die if my husband said that in front of my family!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Sounds like fun. Was it a deliverance themed wedding? I would have stayed just for laughs!!

Eric said...

Wait, so if you get married you can get laid *and* drunk?

Word Designer said...

Isn't it remarkable how some people can destroy something that's meant to beautiful? My heart goes out to the bride. I, too, would like to know if they're still married.

Ooooh! I'm sorry I didn't find your blog sooner. Congratulations to the winners. What a clever way to announce the results of your contest.

Wordy
Word Designer

ShellSpann said...

I've been to a few of "those" weddings. Haha

Herding Cats said...

At least there was alcohol?

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Yeah, I'd love to know if they are still married. How did the bride handle everything. Im so embarassed for her.

Classic Chronicles said...

haha, I love how you write. I felt like I could have been at that large round ten top with you.
When my best friend got married last summer, the best man got up and began his toast with "alright, everyone get their D**K's out..."
So glad that wasn't my wedding....

Laura said...

Wow... such drama!

Lisa and Laura said...

Wow, that is just pure class right there. I think this might just be grounds for an annulment. Surely even the Pope couldn't argue with that.

Eva Gallant said...

Wow. I was feeling bad for the bride, but then, this can't be the first time this guy's been an asshat! She has to have known what she was getting into!

Kelly Marie said...

I seriously look forward to your crazy stories!! Thankfully you haven't been to a wedding like that since then!

Cee said...

somehow I am thinking that maybe "the doom" did not get laid that night.

leigh said...

This wedding must have taken place in Georgia!

Busy Bee Suz said...

I'd put a lot of cash down to bet they are not still married. And really, bonus, he is most likely incarcerated now..or should be.

Brian Miller said...

dang...smearing the name of good men everywhere...maybe he could win a darwin award...

My name is PJ. said...

You spin the best yarns, JMac! I don't have your patience or manners. I would have lit a blow torch under the groom.

That Gal Kiki said...

These are the moments that makes life worth blogging.

singedwingangel said...

Ok see I think Tyler Perry's character Madea has some sage words of advice for the bride in that case. If someone shows you who they are believe them.. HElllooo she could not have just seen this side of him.. Men are not that good at hiding their true selves lol..

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

That sounds like the makings of a TV sitcom or a movie or somethin. For reals. I'm sorry that it is not just a movie plot and that a real life woman has to live with that nut job. Did you ever hear how it worked out for them?

Bossy Betty said...

I had no idea you were at my wedding! Didn't I look good though?

The Boob Nazi said...

That is why I don't drink.

Michael Rivers said...

Dang. Sounds like we missed a very interesting wedding reception.

Slamdunk said...

Wow.

Too bad you are not a divorce attorney. You could have left some cards and written the whole experience off as business expenses related to new client development.

Mommy Lisa said...

I wonder if they are still "Hitched". ;)

Linda said...

Hey at least you escaped...poor bride had to go get 'laid' that night or maybe not...too much booze on the groom's part may have spared her.

Sole Matters said...

holy shit. How tacky and trashy! Are you still friends with S.? Are they still married?

Chez Zizi said...

Wow! Did you and S ever speak of that wonderful wedding? That poor bride. Makes you wonder how long it lasted (or if it is still going)?

Zizette

secret agent woman said...

Weddings sure do bring out the crazy in folks. Especially these days with brides and grooms smearing each others faces with cake and the whole sily garter thing. What happened to dignity? This post reminds me of that great Panic! at the Disco songwhere the guy overhears someone saying his bride is a whore at their wedding: "I chimed in with a 'Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?' No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality."

Ed Adams said...

It's amazing what stress and alcohol will do to people. of course, he was probably a douchebag without either of them already.

Excellently written post.

foxy said...

What an absolute MESS. Wow. I've not been to a wedding that bad, myself, but have heard some horror stories. I would have kicked my husband in the head if I were that bride.

DeNae said...

One question: Did they just chip this girl out of a glacier and slap a wedding dress on her in time for the ceremony? What would possess someone to do anything more legally binding than swear out a restraining order with a clown like that?

Makes me wonder...and thankful for the great, charming, SOBER guy I married!

Andrea said...

Oh my gosh, the doom is a moron. I am just shaking my head, as I am sure you did as well.

Kristina P. said...

Secretly, I've always wanted to attend a crazy wedding like this.

Big Boops said...

What I would have paid to have been there. It would have made my year. Hilarious! Bet you $100 they're divorced.

BlueRidgeLady said...

Unbelievable! Glad I missed that one!!Fun hearing aboout it though!!

Christiejolu said...

LMAO! That is funny! I went to a wedding once with a male friend and the groom hit on me and then a while later passed out and had to be dragged out, the bride was so embarrassed!

Baloney said...

What was that bride thinking?

shortmama said...

All I wonder is if the bride is still blessed with his presence

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Ill go with everyone else and just say WOW!

Rebecca Knight said...

One word: CHARMING! :D

Does The Doom have a brother??

Ashley Stone said...

Oh my goodness...drunk and laid....well those are 2 words every girl dreams about hearing on their wedding day, haha. yikes.

Marcy said...

Awesome! i remember you telling me about this when it happened. And yes, do tell, where is S. these days...? ;)

Thankfully, i had a wonderfully touching, personal, and beautiful toast given at my wedding.

Emily said...

I'm kind of curious as to how long their marriage lasted!

Emily said...

Oh, and if he was that drunk, I doubt he got laid, if you know what I mean!

Corrie Howe said...

Reminds me of some the "Most Shocking" videos I've seen of one or the other bride/broom in jail in full attire.

SoccerMOM said...

I try to avoid weddings at all cost. I find it to be a tad bit uncomfortable being around someones entire family that you have never met before and try and make small talk.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Aww shucks, honey, next time one of my relatives throws a weddin', I'll let you know. Then you can really see "colorful". ;)

Pricilla said...

Darn, and I missed out on him.

AmyLK said...

Oh the poor grandmother! and the bride! I would have been outta there licky-split too! You are a good friend.

Poindexter said...

that makes me so uncomfortable on so many levels. what a completely awful experience.

T!nK said...

LMAO! i wish I was there for this one!!

Debbie said...

I can't even imagine. That poor family.

Erin said...

Oh my! Makes me feel badly that I admonished my hubs for overusing the word, "actually" during his speech/toast at our rehearsal dinner. But at least he said nothing inappropriate! omg.

carma said...

would have been a brilliant Youtube moment. If only you had packed one of those mini camcorders....

Existential Waitress said...

The Deliverance reference pretty much said it all. I've been to many a Vegas wedding - yet this tops them all.

Ela said...

Oh my that sounds painful. The Doom sounds like such a prize. Really. How on earth did he land his wife?

Sometimes I think my wedding could've used a tweak or two...but after this, I think it was perfect :)

Brittany said...

That is one funny story :-) Too bad you had to suffer through it! And the poor bride, probably so embarassed for her family! Are they still married? haha.

Myya said...

What a great friend you are!!! I hope friend "S" took you out to dinner or something for being such a good sport! :) Curious... are those two still married or did the bride maybe smarten up???

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Why don't I get invited to weddings like this? Quality post.
*Read about my dating disasters at plentymorefishoutofwater*

Mighty M said...

Too much too hope the groom just overdid it that day and he is usually a nice guy....probably not since you were questioning it before you even went. So, are they still married???

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Blimey O'Riley. That sounds like the wedding from hell. The poor bride: what *had* she let herself in for?

I'm wincing at how cripplingly embarrassing that must have been for... well, everybody there.

Maggi said...

That whole experience was horrible on so many levels! Holy crap.

A Year on the Grill said...

I am thinking he was too drunk to get any "satisfaction" that night anyway!

Sounds like my in-laws

jenn w/ 2 n's said...

Yes! That's awesome! I can't believe that Doom scored him a mate! I hate being in those awkward situations. The kind where you wish your superpower was invisibility.

Leiah said...

I didn't know if there was a wedding story out there that beat mine but I bow to you. If you decide you want to read the 2nd place story, it's at my place and called Wedding Bell Blues - Part Deux.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Just be glad he wasn't an ex-b/f...or a relative!

The worst I've seen is a groom bawling like a baby during the ceremony. He still looks miserable in family Christmas pics. And he has reason to. I know his wife. lol!

"And so our stories go..." said...

My theory is that it's not a "real" wedding unless someone makes a jackass out of his or her self! :-)
It's best if it's not the groom or bride.
Mary

Grand Pooba said...

Oh but it sounded so entertaining! I only wish I could attend such an event, Doom and all!

otin said...

I went to a wedding one time where the mother of the groom went around to all of the tables telling people that she did not think that her son wanted to get married! My poor brother was horrified that my Mom did that!

bluzdude said...

The only "lay" that S was going to get that night was when he "lays" on the bed and passes out.

Then if the bride had any sense, she'd glue his junk to his leg and get the hell out of Dodge.

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

oH MY Gosh! No, I have not, but I want to just for the laugh factor!! Really, I do. I love train wrecks and crazies like this. It makes me feel so good about myself! :)

rjs mama said...

wow! he did that?

first time here and will surely come back. looove your posts

RJ's day to day activities
Journal of RJ's mom

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

I don't know...you gotta admire that kind of upfront honesty. Then again, he was (and, presumably, is) a man. They'd be honest with a post about needing sex if it asked them.

jackie fo said...

what an ass... thats all i can say

AnnQ said...

DAMN! That's a classic Wedding Story. LOL :-)

MommaKiss said...

Oh, i love me a good wedding story! If only you had your own banjo and fake buck teeth to fit in...

Dawn said...

Yeah...there should be a unwrittne law on how much you can drink at your OWN wedding.
wow.
Happy SITS day (a little late)!

vinomom said...

Damn, I've been to some shitty weddings but that about beats all. I have to know - are they still together?

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh heck, he so reminds me of characters you just want to beat the xxxx out of (don't worry people I wouldn't, just a figure of speech) They are soooo offensive and gross.

I loved the last bit with the spinning tyres.
xxx

Simone said...

OMG, OMG, OMG! The wedding from hell....what WAS the bride thinking??!! "Deliverance Crazy"....love it!!

Hope you are feeling much better :)

Dumblond said...

Jeezy.Creezy.
One more reason to lovelovelove my husband! He got a bit tipsy at our wedding but the most embarrassing thing he did was do "YMCA" with his brothers and best man. If he would have said something like that, my dad would have gotten up and punched him dead in the face.

MommaAmma said...

As I close my eyes and think about this story with a little laugh/cry type thing for you I am also picturing you speeding out of that Waffle House parking lot. Priceless. I hope you didn't get too dolled up for this pre-divorce party.

Just Breathe said...

A video would have been awesome! That is a wedding from h*ll.....
Do you know if they are still married?

Kato said...

Oh my goodness JennyMac!! That sounded awful!! That poor bride, I would have been mortified.

Isn't there always one of these that are attended in your life though? Mine was the same kind of ceremony, and at the reception, the grooms friends CRASHED the party. In metal t-shirts and skinny jeans. And then they proceeded to get drunk and rowdy, and I watched a guy barf into his hands, only to release it onto the floor, shake them off, and grab another drink.

I feel your pain.

JB's Cookinglady said...

Liquor gives us such courage. LOL

HalfAsstic.com said...

Any idea if they're still married?...Taking any bets? ;-)

Vodka Logic said...

Did the bride/groom have all their teeth?

And as asked before, how did the marriage work out?