Wedding Toasted

While in grad school, a friend of mine, S., invited me to a wedding. I love weddings. But primarily of people I know so I proffered up many excuses why I couldn’t go. He promised it would be fun. And he didn’t want to go alone. Need I be the one to remind him that when you are in the wedding party you barely get to talk to anyone because you are busy. But he was a good friend so I agreed to go. Then he told me who the groom was. A friend of his from childhood I had met once during a basketball game. This man was crazy. And not Dukes of Hazzard crazy either. More like Deliverance crazy. Too late to say no, I asked myself how bad could it be.

Here is a tip: Never, ever ask yourself this question if unprepared for the answer.

At the wedding, the wedding party looked wonderful. I was a bit surprised that the entire ceremony lasted 8 minutes. And that included flower girls walking down the aisle. 

At the reception, I am invited to sit at one of the head tables since my friend is in the wedding party. No thank you. I mean, of course. At the large round ten top, I am directly across from the groom. He seems dipped in gin. He tells a highly off color joke. I had also seen him slap his wife right on the arse earlier. I begin referring to him as not as The Groom and instead as The Doom. 

S. goes to the bar and out of the blue, The Doom he asks me why I won’t date S. I am certain he can not be directing that towards me but sure enough. I reply that we are just friends. He, with a pretty heavy scowl, continues to probe. He says S. is like a brother to him. He only wants S. to be happy. I think to myself, do you? Start with shutting the ____ up. That will make S. happy, or since S. is not here, it will make me very, very happy. I seek out S. but, curses, S. is still at the bar.

The Doom is like a backwoods version of Johnny Cochran peppering me with questions.         S. and I have been friends for years and don’t date and don’t want to date. But I don’t share my responses with The Doom or the entire table. Instead, I save my responses in my inner monologue. S. finally returns and listens to The Doom for one minute before redirecting the conversation. 

For about 20 reasons, I want to leave and The Doom is just one of them. We have a few cocktails and soon it is time for toasts. The best man rises to give his toast of run for your life lady to the bride of good luck and future blessings to the happy couple. Since I am also sitting in front, I can see all of the family members including elderly grandparents and aunts and uncles. As the best man takes the microphone, The Doom hops up and grabs it out of his hand. I believe The Doom should not be near fire as his amount of consumption has made him both toxic and flammable.

Into the microphone he says this in a slurry, spitty fashion: Its my weddin’ day and I am going to get DRUNK and I am going to get LAID. 

He is on a MICROPHONE in front a very captive audience.  

What did I wish for? A video to capture this priceless moment and the bride’s face? No. I wished for paramedics to keep the bride’s grandmother from having a heart attack on the spot.

S. turned to me and said, “You can leave anytime you want.”
Except I couldn’t hear him over the firing up of my ignition and gravel spinning under my tires. 

I have yet to attend such a "colorful" wedding as this. I am so lucky.

W.I.F.E

In his column, The Take, Dan Balz, a journalist for the Washington Post shared a precious quote from Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer. Schweitzer was quoted as praising Virginia gubernatorial candidate Terence R. McAuliffe as someone who, "when there's a bump in the road, he's not going to cry like a girl and quit."

This was June 7, 2009. Not June 7, 1949 like you might think.

A play on words? Perhaps. Words he got slammed for uttering? Possibly. A statement his wife and daughters liked very little. Certainly. Was it the worst thing ever said? Of course not. But good job Schweitzer, because you look like a tiny d-bag.

And albeit indirectly, it reminded me of a joke a salty old codger told me years ago. I was in a bar celebrating with a gaggle of girlfriends shortly before my wedding. It was getting last, one of our last stops, well past the witching hour because CLASSY has already gone home to bed.

This man says to me: Oh, you're getting married, huh?

Me: (all smiley) Yes, I am.

Him: That poor fool.
And then he chortles.

My thought: WOW, you're neat-o.

Him: You know what Wife stands for right?

Me: Ummm, no.

Him: Washing, Ironing, F___cking, Etc.
He follows this with more chortling and a couple of snorty snorts.

It took me all of one second to recover before I said: Oh, don't be stupid. JohnnyMac knows I don't IRON.

Sometimes I like Donald Trump's magic words...

Because we are still relatively junior varsity level in regards to parenting, we refrain from dishing unsolicited parenting advice. Only after having a baby is it confirmed how little you know, further reason not to give all our big thoughts and perspective now. And once you are a parent, you witness and take note of many things that never registered on your radar as a child-free person. With every fantastic parenting move you see is an equal and opposite move. Things sometimes SO ridiculous that I assert even if you just woke up from Rip Van Winkle's crib, you would know this is likely NOT how it should be done.

To the Mom who came upon her approximately 8 year old son looking at mouse ears at Disney, who without a word beat his ass because she spied some hats had fallen to the ground. All the while yelling at him "I HAVE TOLD YOU TO BE MORE CAREFUL" only to have him protest and literally get spanked harder, to which I said, "He didn't do that, some other child did." To which she stopped, and with a shrug said "Oh....sorry" which seemed more directed at me than him. I like Donald Trump's magic words: You're FIRED.

PS: Run for your life Kid.
PSS: Perhaps your Mom can adopt the "inquire first, punish second" model.
PSSS: Maybe they need to sell Valium at Disney.We saw more people on edge and ready to rumble there than at a NHL title game.

To the Dad at the Atlanta Hawks game who gave his toddler son a small inflatable "thunderstick" used to cheer the team. The thunderstick the son twirled around in a spastic toddler fashion before bumping the leg of someone in line. The thunderstick that is made of plastic and inflicts no more harm than an inflated beach ball. The Dad who then yanked away said thunderstick from said toddler and literally balled up a fist, put it in the child's face, and sneered, "You want me to knock you out?" You're FIRED.

PS: Run for you life Kid.

PSS: Take your Mom and your siblings with you.

To the Dad at the park who was on his cell phone and NOT watching his toddler. The toddler who proceeded to wander off into a giant mud bog and roll around. The same toddler who tried to eat dog poop. The same child you exclaimed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" upon your discovery about 15 minutes later. He is DOING what he has been DOING for FIFTEEN MINUTES. Pay attention. You're not fired though because you had to do one h*ll of a clean up job on him, the car and the car seat because you told your wife you didn't need the diaper bag. I know this only because I heard you exclaim this out loud. Moms know things. Better luck next time. PS: Get off your cell phone when you are supposed to be on Dad duty at the park.

On the other hand, to the young Mom at the airport with a four month old baby, a three year old toddler boy. The Mom/baby/toddler stranded in the terminal on the same five hour delay we were, who used bubblegum to bribe your toddler into not losing his mind. The same Mom who then said, "Don't tell Daddy you had bubblegum." We felt for you and you did the absolute best you could keeping up meanwhile looking nervous the entire time. You were actually much more congenial than several other adults in the immediate area. Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes. Bubblegum fit that bill. PS: Sorry you couldn't enjoy the cocktail we bought you on the plane.

And to the Dad at the restaurant with his 15 year old daughter. The daughter who was especially sweet to MiniMac and told us you two were on a date. To which you replied that she would be sixteen soon and you wanted her to know how a gentleman should treat her when they go out together. I loved this. I saw your earnest and genuine hope for her as you looked at her as you spoke. I think it must be hard when they are flittering so close to adulthood and you still remember bringing them home from the hospital the first day. Good for you Dad. I wish every daughter was so lucky.

This is no way to close the deal

One day while in Mexico, my Father and I perused the various wares on display by the gamut of vendors while shopping at an outdoor market.

Vendor in a rather sly fashion says to my Father: You should buy this watch for your beautiful wife.

Me: Ugh

My Father to Vendor: This is my daughter.

Vendor, with absolutely no pause and not remotely convivial, says to my Father: Ahhhhh...she obviously got her looks from her Mother.

My Father (with scowl) to Vendor: Perhaps. But she got all her brains from me.

Me: Well, out of fairness, Mom is rather smart too.

My Father immediately departs. Likely can't decide which of the two clowns in front of him he is finds the most irritating. An action can also speak a thousand words. In this case my Father's action only needed to speak nine: Kiss my arse and then watch it walk away.

First, my comment that my Father may potentially be but a mere 50% responsible for my smarts, well, that was just the salty icing on the already salty cake.

However, I am not trying to sell my Father anything, unlike Vendor. Oh Vendor, here is what I learned in Sales 101: Never give up control of the sales process. Ooops. Too late.

Ummmm, Mr. Vendor? Two ways to ensure you will NEVER sell my Father your shiny gold watch:. First, compliment what you believe is his child bride THEN tell him he is ugly.

The error of your ways...

I was working on a particular negotiation recently. With a third party who was supposed to be an asset but behaved more like the opposing side. A little too opposing if you will. Lots and lots of chatter about all they can accomplish. But not a great deal of actual accomplishment.

Here is a good example of when you should not be a dumbarse.

This group is holding a press conference regarding a certain topic that directly impacts us and our client. We want to know who from the media is being invited. I get this answer "Many important media representatives."

hmmmm. I would love to spend all afternoon McGyver-like with my lipstick case, a can of Pringles, and my Magic 8 Ball trying to extract meaning from that meaningless response but I lack the time.

This is what is called We don't have the information but will attempt to bluff. Or what I also like to call Misrepresenting leverage.

I email back: Can you provide the specific names of the "important media representatives?"

The reply I receive lists some real media entities but not the actual names of the people from those organizations. Like CNN. I am certain there are more than a thousand people working there and since you are the one inviting the media, we both know you need a name to do so. You would therefore have that name on a list. Also, this is information our team needs to have and is normally given quite promptly.

I follow up again.

I get this : We will try to find that information for you.

This irritates me in myriad ways.

1. You invited them and are telling the client about your grand experience in media coverage. Demonstrate your grand abilities by giving specifics. Why are you not giving specifics? Because you do not have actual names. You have pretend names and believe me John Cocktoasten does not sound credible on paper.

2. You will try to find this information? It's not a treasure hunt. A good place to look? ON YOUR COMPUTER. The same one you are emailing me from. At least if you have to stall do it the smart way and say " I am in meetings offsite the rest of the day and will get to you when I am back in the office" I don't know your schedule so I won't know your lying. Yet.

So I send a direct response indicating that we are happy to reach out to CNN directly since we have worked closely with them in the past.

I get an email back that was clearly NOT intended to go to me but to everyone else on their side of the table. Enjoy explaining that to your boss, who was also copied on the email. The email you accidentally copied me on. The one to which I replied TO ALL, "Are you sure you meant to copy me on this?"

Here is a tip: Your first day on the job learn the importance of the REPLY ALL function and that you should NEVER NEVER use it when you are about to talk some sh*t about someone ALSO COPIED ON THE EMAIL.

We have a winner. JA of the Day : volume iv

We had a wee bit of an issue last night. I hit publish instead of save on this post. Sorry for the fake out. But here is the real deal.

One of the first followers of my blog emailed me and requested that I renew JA of the Day. By all means. JA is my shorthand for Jackass.

So many contenders that it was hard to narrow down a winner. Should I give it to myself for myill-timed profanity last week? No. That would only add insult to injury.

Should it go to Bird Brain? No. Too easy.

Should I pick the bank teller who refused to cash a check for a man without his thumbprint even though he had NO ARMS? Ummm, no, because Bank of America and their PR people have spent weeks attempting to minimize the bad press on this already. And I am certain the personnel involved have been called worse than jackass during that time.

Should I select the snarky commenter who hid behind anonymity to vehemently attack a fellow blogger's post on her religion? Opinions are like ass pieholes, and everybody's got one. However, his issue was tied to her choice not to drink alcohol because of her religion. This merits a diatribe? An anonymous diatribe at that? Suggestion: If you don't like someone's blog, why not: stop reading it. The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. This commenter was a contender for JA of the Day, but after a minute more of consideration I determined he is less jackass than he is a blogstard which is my new name for a blogger acting like a b*stard. Thankfully, they are few and far between.

Should it be the man who smacked a crying child in the Georgia Walmart? A man who smacked a child that was NOT his own? This man clearly is a jackass and so much more but this story has already received its fair share of narrative. But should I ever find myself in such a situation, my feelings can best be expressed through a photograph.


For something fresh and new, how about this. In Columbus, Ohio, a 20 year old robbery suspect wants not just "criminal" but "Romeo" on his dossier.

Allegedly, Stephfon Bennett and two other men robbed a couple last Sunday. The victim was able to positively ID him when he came back to her house two hours later to ask her out on a DATE.

Hmmm. The idea of robbing someone first and then pursuing them romantically. You know who this works for? JAMES BOND. Or on the opposite end, maybe girls who like Eminem videos. Who does this not work for? You, Stephfon Bennett.

The Police arrived at the home promptly to arrest him. Could not have had an easier time finding him. Simply drove to address of the victim. He was arraigned Tuesday on a charge of aggravated robbery and is being held in the Franklin County jail on $100,000 bail.

$100,000....pretty expensive misstep I would say. And while he is likely the mockery of his entire little criminal network, this kid does have a set of nuggets on him.

Heads up: Criminal activity might be a turn on for girls like Adele Corners and Mallory Knox, but that is the exception not the rule.

A public defender had not yet been assigned to the case, officials said. Why? Because the Office of the Public Defender has not yet determined who gets to represent Stephfon Bennett. I believe they are currently playing rock/paper/scissor to see who gets stuck the opportunity.

And this is our JA of the Day.


JA of the Day Archives:

volume i
volume ii
volume iii