Which comes first (and not the chicken OR the egg)

I had a great opportunity to co-write a blog post with the amazing Theta Mom. If you don't know Theta Mom, please get to know her. She is an awesome Mom, great writer, and all around fabulous woman. It was our first co-writing experience and we hope you like it. 
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Recently, we read an article about women and motherhood. One interesting comment included in the reader feedback was that once we become mothers, our children come first before everything else. 

As mothers, we had some interesting dialogue about this exact sentiment. Within our social circles are women who are mothers and women who are not. Amongst our “mom” circles, our friends and colleagues are not simply “stay at home moms” or “working moms.” We know we are all working moms.  We are either moms who work inside the home or moms who work inside and outside the home. 

If you have not stayed home all day with children planning meals, learning, playtime, exercise (for hopes of naptime) and teaching words, songs, states and manners, we can assure you it does not fit into a one hour shell and the rest of the time your kiddos do not take care of themselves while you blog on your computer in between Days of our Lives and your 30 Day Shred. And if you spend most of your daylight hours working outside the home, you come home and in the small space of time before bedtime, you need to incorporate as many of the above items in between checking your Blackberry and deciding who is making dinner. We know. We have both been moms who work at home and moms who work both inside and outside the home. 

And with all of the goals we create for ourselves as moms, where do our personal priorities fall once we add “Parent” to our resume? Should our children always come before ourselves? Do we stop dreaming just because we have children? Or do we dream but not act on those dreams? 

We admire women that chase after a dream such as starting their own business or establishing themselves as entrepreneurs all in the midst of raising a family. Would it be fair to judge these women who clearly have paved a path for themselves? Are women who climb the corporate ladder and really establish themselves in their career doing that in exchange of or in addition to being a ‘good’ mom?As long as these women are clearly present in their children’s lives and raise happy, healthy kids - why should it matter? 

Theta Mom shares this: A dear friend of mine is the principal of an elementary school. Her dream was to become an administrator and now she is living that dream while raising three kids. My sister-in law is another perfect example of a woman who established herself in her position while balancing the demands of raising a family. She has climbed the corporate ladder and worked extremely hard to get where she is. She’s earned it, she deserves it and if you ask her children they wouldn’t want it any other way. 

JennyMac shares this: While in college, my Mom opened her own business which grew into an incredibly successful company. Watching her in action provided several great lessons that are still part of my business acumen today.  And she still made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever eaten. To me, it was proof that I could execute both roles, and do them well if that was what I chose. 

And every day, many high profile female lawyers, doctors, all well educated and trained women leave it all behind to raise their children. This is a conscious decision made by these women and the reasons for staying home clearly outweigh the reasons for pursuing their careers for them. It takes a lot of guts to leave a high paying job with fabulous opportunities behind as well as all of the hard work, time, money and education that went into achieving these positions. And we know women who are simply putting a hold on some of their pursuits while they stay home right now. Several friends have gone back to work and continued their career choices once their kids started school. It is all about making it work for you and your family. But how do you decide? 

Theta Mom shares this: I don’t care whether you work outside the home, are a WAHM or a SAHM, I don’t think anyone has it any easier. There are positives and negatives to each of these roles. I worked full-time beginning when my son was 11 months-old with a 3 hour commute and it was brutal getting out in the morning with my infant boy, commuting, working a full day and then trying to find a way to spend some quality family time as well as get everything done. For me, I was unable to keep up with this lifestyle. I’m truly blessed to have found a way to use my graduate degree and work from home, still pursuing my passion while raising my children. But that doesn’t mean women who choose to work outside the home should be looked upon as any less of a mom or as a mom that it too into herself or her career – some women HAVE to work in order to put food on the table and I am certainly one of them. 

JennyMac shares this: I took a year off when we had MiniMac.  I left a high profile attorney position with a Fortune 15 company. I dedicated that year off of the corporate treadmill to learning to be a Mom. And I loved it. But after one year, I wanted to reengage in the corporate sector. And I am glad I returned. For me, working is a great way to continue to hone my skills and pursue my interests. And my free time outside of work is focused on self growth, my family, and my dreams. And I do have dreams. What kind of example would I be if I didn’t? And they are not just gauzy dreams as I watch clouds float by. My dreams are things I am pursuing every day. But, I still put my son and his needs in the spotlight too. And he will say I make the best chocolate chip cookies he has ever tasted as well.

But we both know this: Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. Period.  And we are just two examples that your road to success and happiness and being a great role model for your children are not separate forks. We think we should continue to dream big and do what works for us as individuals AND mothers – isn’t this the message we want to send to our children, especially our daughters? This is comprised of what we learned as children and what we continue to learn as women and parents.

But we know it is a full time balancing act. We want to raise smart, well defined, kind, ambitious young people and we are the first examples of this our children will see.  How do all of us find the balance between self and parent?  And how do we answer the question: Are we women or mothers first?

Sometimes I like Donald Trump's magic words...

Because we are still relatively junior varsity level in regards to parenting, we refrain from dishing unsolicited parenting advice. Only after having a baby is it confirmed how little you know, further reason not to give all our big thoughts and perspective now. And once you are a parent, you witness and take note of many things that never registered on your radar as a child-free person. With every fantastic parenting move you see is an equal and opposite move. Things sometimes SO ridiculous that I assert even if you just woke up from Rip Van Winkle's crib, you would know this is likely NOT how it should be done.

To the Mom who came upon her approximately 8 year old son looking at mouse ears at Disney, who without a word beat his ass because she spied some hats had fallen to the ground. All the while yelling at him "I HAVE TOLD YOU TO BE MORE CAREFUL" only to have him protest and literally get spanked harder, to which I said, "He didn't do that, some other child did." To which she stopped, and with a shrug said "Oh....sorry" which seemed more directed at me than him. I like Donald Trump's magic words: You're FIRED.

PS: Run for your life Kid.
PSS: Perhaps your Mom can adopt the "inquire first, punish second" model.
PSSS: Maybe they need to sell Valium at Disney.We saw more people on edge and ready to rumble there than at a NHL title game.

To the Dad at the Atlanta Hawks game who gave his toddler son a small inflatable "thunderstick" used to cheer the team. The thunderstick the son twirled around in a spastic toddler fashion before bumping the leg of someone in line. The thunderstick that is made of plastic and inflicts no more harm than an inflated beach ball. The Dad who then yanked away said thunderstick from said toddler and literally balled up a fist, put it in the child's face, and sneered, "You want me to knock you out?" You're FIRED.

PS: Run for you life Kid.

PSS: Take your Mom and your siblings with you.

To the Dad at the park who was on his cell phone and NOT watching his toddler. The toddler who proceeded to wander off into a giant mud bog and roll around. The same toddler who tried to eat dog poop. The same child you exclaimed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" upon your discovery about 15 minutes later. He is DOING what he has been DOING for FIFTEEN MINUTES. Pay attention. You're not fired though because you had to do one h*ll of a clean up job on him, the car and the car seat because you told your wife you didn't need the diaper bag. I know this only because I heard you exclaim this out loud. Moms know things. Better luck next time. PS: Get off your cell phone when you are supposed to be on Dad duty at the park.

On the other hand, to the young Mom at the airport with a four month old baby, a three year old toddler boy. The Mom/baby/toddler stranded in the terminal on the same five hour delay we were, who used bubblegum to bribe your toddler into not losing his mind. The same Mom who then said, "Don't tell Daddy you had bubblegum." We felt for you and you did the absolute best you could keeping up meanwhile looking nervous the entire time. You were actually much more congenial than several other adults in the immediate area. Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes. Bubblegum fit that bill. PS: Sorry you couldn't enjoy the cocktail we bought you on the plane.

And to the Dad at the restaurant with his 15 year old daughter. The daughter who was especially sweet to MiniMac and told us you two were on a date. To which you replied that she would be sixteen soon and you wanted her to know how a gentleman should treat her when they go out together. I loved this. I saw your earnest and genuine hope for her as you looked at her as you spoke. I think it must be hard when they are flittering so close to adulthood and you still remember bringing them home from the hospital the first day. Good for you Dad. I wish every daughter was so lucky.