Thursday, February 18, 2010

Flat: NOT where it's at....

One March, many years ago, a motley crew of our friends opted for a fun night out on the town. The austere environment of law school proving incongruent with St. Patty's traditional festivities. Off we went to Westport, the get-your-groove-on sector of Kansas City (at that time.) My BFF, MarciaGarcia and I rolled into the city early as her sister lived on the Plaza.

We chose her sister's abode as the perfect headquarters and invited our 8-pack of friends for some pre- and post-game antics. Before the evening's GreenBeerFest commenced, I opted for a little afternoon shopping spree on the Plaza to buy a swimsuit as Spring Break and my destination of Lake Havasu were mere weeks away.

Later that afternoon as we pre-functioned when MarciaGarcia discovered the bag containing my brand new swimsuit, removed said swimsuit, dangled the highly padded swimsuit top by one finger and asked, "Is this someone's life preserver?"

Many eyes turn to me.

"That is for buoyancy!" I attempted to claim.

Did I deserve to be laughed at then? No. I don't believe I did.

Apparently the crowd disagreed. And as laughter ensued, laughter aimed at me and not for a minute with me, I grabbed my bikini top/life preserver and put it away.

And then later that evening, when my dancing was so enthusiastic, a la Irene Cara and "light up the sky like a flame" that I did not realize that my strapless bra, also heavily padded and therefore practically weighing more than me, had slid down around my waist? The bra in which the shorty-short-ab-revealing shirt I had on (that I swear to you WAS POPULAR at that time) did nothing to camouflage? Did I deserve to be laughed at then?

No.  I don't believe I did.

But that I didn't even realize my bra had taken a downturn until MarciaGarcia's boyfriend now Hub, PK, pointed out to me that my "BELT" was twisted up around my waist.

Well...

And that apparently I am lacking such endowment that frenetic dancing even without a bra on doesn't impact me in the slightest?

Oh yes. The joke is on me. And our crowd of friends, ignited on the litany of black and tans they were drinking could not agree more.

Flat...apparently not where it's at. 
Thanks genetics.

81 comments:

Jules said...

Yeah, I've never had that problem.....

My name is PJ. said...

You will get some post-menopause. I promise.

Let me argue the point that the opposite situation only gets in the way of everything....EVERYTHING.

Clothes don't even look as nice on DD's. Golfing becomes "left over left". Sleeping on your stomach? Forget it.

When you're older, which would you prefer" tennis balls in knee socks or watermelons in knee socks? It's a great choice, isn't it??? ;)

Mommakin said...

I am short and chubby - and rather well endowed. At one point my BFF was a girl who was tall and slim and - well - shared your issue. We looked - funny together. We took Tae Kwon Do together at one point, but were politely asked to leave the class because we couldn't stop laughing. Her bra - like yours - had made it's way to her waist. I presented a whole 'nuther set of issues, jumping and kicking. He just couldn't stop laughing at ourselves and each other. It's all good...

Little Ms Blogger said...

I'm with Jules, never had that problem.

the walking man said...

Wait for the high forties to appear and I guarantee you the last laugh will be yours as they pick theirs off the floor.

Tracie said...

At least aging will be kind to you. Then you can laugh at your saggy, well-endowed friends.

secret agent woman said...

I'm somewhere in the middle, so I can't say I'd not notice being suddenly braless. But PJ has a good point, and for that I'm thankful.

Secretia said...

I think it's fun to go without a "life preserver" !

Secretia

KatieSPerk said...

Sorry they laughed at your wardrobe malfunction!! So not nice!

Blame the black and tans!

stepfabulous said...

I am sooooooooo envious. At 16 I was a DD, at 32 I was a FF. SERIOUSLY. Now I am much smaller and much perkier - and baby I can dance!

God Bless It!

Mighty M said...

Oh, you poor thing. Not for being flat, that's just genetics. But just for having to endure the bra belt and the ensuing laughter. I feel for you. But again, these moments create such wonderful posts! :)

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I wish I could go bra-less.

Mr. Charleston said...

Like I've always said, more than a mouthful is a waste. Guaranteed you'll be able to go braless for many more years than your buddies. Then it's your time to poke fun.

CatLadyLarew said...

I used to be totally flat chested... now I have trouble keeping the girls where they belong. Childbirth and menopause do that to you.

ManoloChooLou said...

I can relate. I have virtually nothing on top. I suppose women of all bust sizes have one thing in common: a hard time finding a comfortable strapless bra!

Off topic, but I used to hit up Westport back when I lived in the Midwest. The Kansas City Plaza was my shopping mecca throughout college. That's what happens when you're from Omaha...

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I SO don't have that problem. *sigh*

However; when we are older, you shall have the last laugh, because you will not have occasion to tuck yours under your arms to better attend to your knitting.

Just sayin'.

Baloney said...

I'm with you here. And I think I'm the only one I know who is not going to be getting enhanced in the future.
Clothes are made for girls with boobies, aren't they?
I keep telling myself that when I'm old and wrinkly at least my chest will still be located in the same general area (instead of my knees).

Shorty said...

Oh my. Yes, genetics can be quite cruel. I was on the other end of that spectrum. A very short petite gal with enough boobs to adequately supply five girls. And it all began in fourth grade. You can just imagine the nick names I had by the time I graduated high school. Lovely mammories, er um memories.

Kelli said...

Whatev' small boobs will never sag. And for a while there, flat was very much in vogue. Missed it? Don't worry, so did I. Too embarrassed to go without a bra. Can't help it. I'm a late bloomer (read I got noticeable boobs at 28), it's taken a while but I finally feel comfortable.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I am in the opposite camp. Being a D cup I'd quite enjoy some flat pancake boobies, so that I could sprint on the treadmill and not look like parts of me are trying to escape. And I could wear tank tops without bras.

As a teen/student I was vexed because I was quite athletic and slim but then I had BOOBS. Which got in the way of anything involving running strenuously, like tennis, which I played a lot. And feeling like you're smuggling two sweaty bald men in your sports bra is not cool!

ShellSpann said...

I've never had that problem. But I think both sides of this have their good and bad. I'd rather be flat to be honest with you!

Eva Gallant said...

Gravity will be much kinder to you in old age than she's been to me my dear! I could now tuck mine in the waistband of my jeans.

Cee said...

Sadly, I can not relate. I have the opposite problem!

mama-face said...

BWAHAHAHAHA.

I also LOL at the commenter (with the commenter?) who mentioned that after menopause you'll get some...I think she means something to fill your swimsuit top...and she's right. Unfortunately I know this.

And unfortunately I do believe you did deserve to be laughed at. :-) Your BELT. haha. That is hilarious.

Christine Macdonald said...

Take it from someone who was flat, got a boob job, then took 'em out 13 years later. Flat is MUCH better.

Nonflammable said...

Very funny! Bras are such a pain.....
I'm not exactly endowed either, though I've convinced myself over the years that boobs would just get in the way of my lifestyle.

I live in a suburb of KC. Power and Light district is the hot spot nowadays. Westport is not safe. However, the Plaza is still the crème de la crème and the only place I like to shop other than online.

singedwingangel said...

AS one of the amply endowed women I am quick to tell the flats of the world I will donate to their cause. The only stipulation is they canot give them back.. period. Trust me it ain't fun

The Boob Nazi said...

hahaha I wish I could have seen that.

MommaAmma said...

Oh what a great come-back it was to my well endowed sister who always made fun of my plains "the less there is, the less to sag" until I had babies. Damn genetics and damn nature all together!

MommaAmma said...

Oh, and born in raised in KC. Drunken nights in Westport, what a memory, Harry's 25 cent Tuesdays and all. Now I wish I had time to finish a bottle of wine. I mean, um glass...

Slamdunk said...

Another topic that I know little about, but from anecdotal conversations, the well-endowed complainers start softly but reach a roar quickly--and then maintain that level for a lifetime.

confused homemaker said...

I wish I could go braless for a even just an hour without it causing back pain. It seems the grass isn't greener on the other side, from my experience anyway.

And hey maybe bra belts will one day be a trend?

MommaKiss said...

My boobies used to be bigger than a DD. I never know how big because I refused to buy new bras bigger but - believe me - they were bustin out. This was FUN when I was, oh, 18? Not so much after 2 children. Think national geographic. Gravity and nursing kids is not so great on the fun bags.
Now, tho, after a lil knife action, I'm a full B and abso love it.
Did you ask about my boobies? I forget. But apparently wanted to share.

Mrs. Cullen said...

heyy you are actually lucky!! i envy you!

Cathi said...

Hey I have nothing and I used to hate it, but now I am very happy about it...nothing to pick up off the floor as age sets in....haha..:)

SmartBear said...

If my strapless bra fell around my waist while I was dancing I would probably knock people unconscious with the flying ta-tas. And Westport on St. Patty's day? You so crazy! (I'm totally laughing because I rocked the barer midriff in my day as well!)

A Year on the Grill said...

too funny... and a little nostalgic. i me my wife at a bar in Westport...

One night in a bar can change your whole life

Herding Cats said...

I've definitely had my strapless bra end up around my waist; however, it's annoyingly noticeable.

Sole Matters said...

omg thats pretty funny!! that is why i paid for boobs. :)

Krëg said...

At what tackle shop do you buy the bait with which you fish for compliments?

All kidding aside, I've noticed a solid correlation between breast size and likelihood of adult weight-gain. I'm not saying it's causation, just that it seems top-heavy lasses trend into bottom-heavy lasses with a fair degree of regularity.

Ela said...

Oh honey, I'm stacked like a 12yr old boy. I can only look forward to being pregnant and letting nature do its thing. Even if it's only temporary.

I remember being younger and less accepting of my...chest...and the heavily padded bikinis were worn. I used to have to remember to squeeze the water out so I wouldn't drip continually once out of the water.

On the bright side, we'll never sag when we're old and grey.

Yay.

Matty said...

Apparently, we have the same bust size. :)

shortmama said...

you will be glad about that small chest when all your friends are lifting their boobs up off of their knees!

Christiejolu said...

I was pretty flat chested as a teen. I was told by the boy I had crush on I could join the "Tiny Tittie Commitee" Then at around 20 I bloomed. It was so weird. I thought after puberty you stopped growing. My Mom even asked if I had a boob job, swear I didn't. I did start taking the pill at that time. I am not sure if that had something to do with it. I guess my point is I had the best of both worlds. While I enjoyed the new male attention I got from men I also missed the days of going braless and not looking like a tramp! LOL!

Mommy Lisa said...

Yup - I would rather be my late high school years B cup than my current sorry state of backbending affairs.

Its all good!

blueviolet said...

I'm your sister in flatness. :(

hotpants™ said...

I'm right there with you. It's starting to pay off now though. All of my friends breasts are starting to head south. Mine are as perky as ever.

jules said...

Flatties represent!!!! I can say that because I am one. And, I love it. It makes us look smaller and petite all around. Plus, you can wear more clothes and get away with slutty options without looking trashy with a small chest!

Big Boops said...

I'm jealous and I tell you why. My boobs are average (a c or d, depending on if I'm carrying around my usual 30 extra pounds or not). And I have always been so jealous of girls that can wear strappy tanks in the summer without a second thought. I have never been comfortable in skimpy strappy tops and dresses. And its hot as hell in Oklahoma in the summer. I end up sweating it out in some ugly shirt or something. boo!

Pricilla said...

Friends, eh?
Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em

Myya said...

I'm with shortmama... your friends are going to have saggy wet socks & you can have the last laugh. I am VERY well endowed & would take a little of the flatness any day - these friends of yours are just ornrey!

Emily said...

I've never had that issue...but a friend of mine does. And she's been in a few situations eerily similar to yours. Sadly, we showed her no mercy either.
And now that she's got two kids, it seems puberty finally hit for her. ;)

undomestic chica said...

I'm with you. I'm a little bigger than flat, but would love to have enough to be in proportion, but reading your comments make me (maybe) be happy that I'm small....aging should be kind to me

Julia said...

stupid strapless bras. its like you have to have the perfectly full and perky B cup for those to hold themselves up. Anything smaller, and there's nothing to hold up the bra. Anything bigger, and they weigh the bra down. it's like a lose lose situation. I've definitely had mine slide down before. I even have a great photo of it.

wendy said...

Sorry, I have to admit, I'd be one of those laughing. It wouldn't be AT you necessarily---just because of you. It does conjure up some funny visuals.

Existential Waitress said...

LOL - St. Paddy's Day'll get ya every time.

I have small boobies too. sadly, pregnancy and bfing kinda deflated what I had and stretched them out to look like sausages. what a rip.

Erin said...

Jenny Mac,

Do not fret, my dear. And obviously Johnny Mac loves you just as you are.

I was not well endowed to begin with and pregnancy did nothing to help me once I was done nursing.

I succumbed to evil plastic surgery. Not like Heidi Montag or anything, but just to make me look less like a little boy. Don't judge.

;-)

Salt said...

I thank genetics on the regular for my lack of endowment also. On an upside, there are certain dresses that I own that absolutely cannot be worn with a bra and I can pull those off when my busty friends can't. AND I can sleep on my stomach. So there's that.

M-Cat said...

I am laughing hysterically. Only because my man flaps would give yours a run for their money. Tis why I love the chicken cutlets I can insert.

Laurie said...

You can tell they loved you Cocktail ...even as they laughed at you! It IS funny!

Wish we could ever be happy. This last year I've put on 15 lbs. Aaaack!! I know. But at least I'm tall & slim so although noticeable, am still in reasonable weight range for my height.

Still it's got to come off ...cuz it ain't right. There's only one problem. Had reasonable boobies before but after two children and approx 3 years of nursing you could tell they'd been around the track a time or two.

But voila! Gain 15 lbs!! OMG I couldn't pay for prettier boobies!

So here's what I'm looking at 1) looking Pillsbury-doughboyish with beautiful knockers or 2) getting back to suitable weight where clothes fit great again & am picture of sveltness with two flat leather wallets perched on chest.

Point is: we're rarely (never) completely happy with our bods. So we might as well laugh at them!

Wait! Now I get it ....that's what your post is about :-)

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! I remember when having boobs in jr. high and high school was such a BIG deal. Now it is just silly. I mean now all my friends are proud to buy padded bras because they want the extra umph.

I was a late developer. I was pretty much masquito bites until 11th grade.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Right there with you, girl! My bathing suit top could double as a life preserver! Sometimes a girl needs a little help...

Conquer The Monkey said...

wow, that is insane! at my wedding i had to wear those chicken cutlet looking stick on boobs to fill out my dress. wedding was in puerto rico and it was hot as hell and muggy and I was dancing away adn next thing I knew they had slid down around my tummy .... so i had 4 boobs instead of two,
but your story is even better!
Cameron
www.conquerthemonkey.com

Jaime said...

wanna trade? because no one my size should be my size...

Ashley Stone said...

I totally relate.... the boobie fairy lost my address after one visit. I don't ever leave the house un-padded!
; )

Liz said...

I so disagree. Flat (or small and perky, as I prefer) is definitely where it's at. Check out Debra Messing and Kate Hudson and their super low cut red carpet gowns. Whatever you've got in that department..own it, flaunt it, and um, well, wear a tighter padded bra next time.

Kristin said...

Flat doesn't sag sister!

Tiffany said...

i have enough boob for me, you, and then some. *sigh*

DeNae said...

Nowadays, the more likely scenario is that the bra will stay in place and the boobs will party south of the border. I'm telling you, gravity and four kids play unholy havoc on the girls, no matter WHAT size they are. Or were.

And I'm so very, very sorry, Jenny. But I laughed right out loud at this one. Twice.

I regret nothing!

Leah Rubin said...

Awww- no fair-- they should not have laughed at you! That hurts--

But now, like Maya Angelou, my breasts are in a race to see which will reach my waist first. Results will not be far off, either! Gravity is NOT my friend...

citymouse said...

The only good thing about having big boobs is they balance out my big bum. Sorry about the malfunction. It could have been worse, your frenzy may have unleashed the girls and then they would have had a show.

Caroline said...

From a very not-so-flat person, I flat is definitely where its at, because for me any frenetic dancing even in a bra and someone could loose an eye,flat is where its at

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, honey! I know exactly where you are coming from! It's so strange, but after nursing two babies, (and putting on some weight that I can't seem to shake no matter what I do), I am bigger busted than I ever was growing up. A good full C cup.
My husband's side of the family is apparently busty since both of my girls are nick named "Boobs Galore", by ME!

Ed said...

Anything more than a handful is a waste.

Kato said...

Poor JennyMac!! Take comfort in the fact that the hottest models out there have none, and that's the style in that industry!

I understand though. I had a broomstick body up until I was 20 and then WHAM! Hello puberty.

I would go back to being flat anyday!

Corrie Howe said...

What can I say to that? I have the opposite problem.

Dumblond said...

At least you can wear a strapless bra. I need to wear modified harnesses to keep my girls in check.

Ms. Salti said...

At least you can dance comfortably without your bubbies smacking you in the chin!

strokeofliving said...

Part of being 'non well endowed' means no permanent shoulder dent marks or back pain.

The down sides are no cleavage, no cute tops filled enough to look like it does in the magazine and the eventual rolled down strapless. I had that happen to me on the train once back home in NYC. Thank God my sister was with me. It was my strapless bra under a cute top during the summer. I told her it was rolling down, she laughed out loud and stood very close to me, unhooked it as it became my belt, and stuffed it in my purse discreetly. Although she was the only one who noticed I've been mortified about that day for years. Today I don't go strapless.

One can't have that happen twice in life. So I can relate to this story first hand. Sad but funny.

T!nK said...

awwwwwwwwww

Vodka Logic said...

I'll trade you..even all the jokes.. age has not been kind to my breasts..