Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I like big butts and I can not lie

Over the weekend, I saw an interesting tidbit on the news. A doctor in LA on air giving accolades to Jennifer Lopez with the intimation that Jennifer Lopez has helped him amass scads of money. Singing career on the side because he is just a Doctor from the block? No, this doctor is no crooner. Handing out sparkly jeans and JLo perfume? Not that either. He has made a fortune off replication. As in replication of her derriere. He is a doctor specializing in Buttock Augmentation. WOW. I have now officially heard of everything.

Butt implants are usually quite successful at making the butt larger and shapelier. This has helped many women gain a more sensuous appearance. For those that have had underdeveloped buttocks, buttock implants can now provide them with a more proportionate figure. Not only has this helped enhance their appearance, but for many they have also gained a boost in their self-esteem and self-confidence. 

I support anyone who wants surgery in hopes of improving self esteem and self confidence. From Botox to the face lift, do what you need to do sister. I admit I have heard of many surgical enhancements and living in Atlanta, I have seen the handiwork. But butt implants? I know nothing about butt implants.

The surgery can be upward of 2 to 3 hours. It can also be upward of $10,000 smacks. The usual side effects: pain, discomfort, potential future surgeries. BUT, an interesting fact:  you can expect to resume normal activity within 2 months. What if part of your normal activity actually involves sitting? ON your arse. Because sitting on your arse seems like an activity I don’t want to go without for a month. Or two. Have fun with that Crouching Tiger, Hidden (Tender) Booty.

Anyone willing to undergo that lengthy surgery and the aftermath of not actually using your badonkadonk for months is  a person who can genuinely claim: I like big butts and I can not lie. And incidentally, I have seen post-op video of butt implants. The clip I saw was evidence in a lawsuit. I am sure other surgeries are very successful but this surgery had some drawbacks. Mainly in that what I saw looked much like a large ham stuffed into underwear, covered with sweatpants, but imagine a ham that could be moved around as readily as a joystick from your 1984 Atari game.  I think we can all agree your butt should move like a yo-yo (unless you are just THAT great of a dancer.) Hence the lawsuit.

Now, I know several women who are bothered by their tiny biscuits. In fact, I know someone who was nicknamed at birth: Hickory Nut Butt because the butt appeared to have been left behind in the birth canal. I think I would love being called Hickory Nut Butt but J. assured me I would not.

I will never be called Hickory Nut Butt, and frankly, if you needed an extra dose of bootylicious biscuit, come my way, pay me 10K and I will give gladly pass you some of mine.

Now, unlike Sir Mix A Lot, who penned the now pop culture iconic lyrics highlighting how his Anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon, I do not covet a bubble rump. In fact, this reminds me of a situation in college I will share. One day as a freshman in college, my gal pals and I strolled along the courtyard through main campus. A boy, perched on a ledge with his collection of misfits called out to us "I like your junk in your trunk" which I believe included the sound mmmmmmm as well.

A touch baffled, we glanced their way, and moved along. But they kept up. I was wearing my attractive and snug Calvin Klein jeans and over-sized yet tucked in rugby shirt (quite popular at the time) so I was singled out. Since they spoke a foreign phrase, and I had no lexicon to help, I ignored them. Let's be honest, I thought they were ridiculous. My car was parked by my house, which was half a mile away. And I knew there were only battery cables and a spare tire in that trunk. Silly boys!

Shortly thereafter, I asked a friend of mine who played football what ‘junk in the trunk’ meant. His response was multi-layered. But I quickly got the point. Suffice it to say when a college boy says, “You got junk in your trunk” that will also translate to “I am a boy who occasionally likes a kick to the ding ding.”

If I had known, as I paraded down campus in my fitted jeans and my oversize shirt, that a pack of wolves would basically identify I had a prodigious ass and then shout it out with glee like Rudolph's reindeers, I would perchance have opted to be a bit more obscure. 

I was assured by my friend that "boys like that"as if this was a consolation. And while I appreciated freedom of speech, candor, and the like, please do not shout across the quad like a donkey braying in a megaphone about my "trunk" be it full of junk or otherwise.

Now what was I to do but tell all to my gal pals and then nurse my feelings with a tall cold refreshing beer. I am sure I had a calzone with that (Sella's calzones...the best in the Palouse) but I digress. Was I not svelte? Was I not a work out fiend? Never mind that the beverage-calzone combo might have added a little pile of junk to that trunk but I was a freshman after all.

Mind you, this was long before Jennifer Lopez, the bodacious sensation wore her "junk" with pride. I was an injured girl and I don't care who you are, there was not a girl on campus in 1989 who would have proudly wore the "Biggest Ass" sash during the float parade. And NO ONE was intentionally seeking a bigger butt. And implants were strictly for ta-tas.

Now that I am significantly more savvy, and my days of thinking Keystone and 3000 calorie calzones were gourmet living, I can assure you no one has even commented on junk in my trunk. But I am still a long, long time away from implants for the booty zone.

90 comments:

Jules said...

I'm gonna go with some wrinkle release on the eyes or a boob raise before I even think about a booty implant..... In fact, THOSE aren't even close to makin' the list......

the walking man said...

Cheaper than surgery and machine washable in an amazing variety of colors

Dual Mom said...

My ass is almost inverted it's so flat. You could use my ass as a bowl for cereal if one were so inclined. It makes it impossible to look good in a pair of jeans. Seriously impossible.I would pay 10grand to have a small curve back there.

Cara Smith said...

I know where you're coming from. My nickname in Jr High was GB (for ghetto booty). It is not a thing to strive for. Not to say I'm not happy with myself, but it can be damaging to a 12 yr old.

And guys are not left out of the crazy implant loop. Aparently they can have calf or pec implants.

SmartBear said...

Wow...that really is amazing. I tell my friends who want fake boobs all the time that they can have mine. Now it turns out I could make some money on my ass too? My body is a gold mine...

Slamdunk said...

I have never heard of that one either. I just could not go through with it anyway.

My hula-hoop hobby is the world to me and two months out of action would be too much...

Vodka Logic said...

I'm with you on plastic surgery but there has to be some limit..

I am a couch potato queen so not being able to sit on my arse would be disasterous.

Will Burke said...

It could be cheaper & less physically traumatic to become a fan of sports and Star Wars. Curves, or the lack thereof are forgotten when one's quoting stats & Yoda.

Simply Suthern said...

Theres the old saying, If the house needs painting, Paint it. But now is the saying if ya got an empty trunk fill it with junk? What's wrong with natural? Nothing but headaches ahead for surgery or should I say pain in the arse. Going to look a bit odd when it slides down behind the knees.

carissa said...

Until losing a lot of weight I would have never thought twice about a booty implant. Truth is, I still wouldnt, but i am beginningt to see it's appeal. I am getting a little case of the saddle bags I fear. Sighhhh

af1blog said...

The thing about a "more rounded ass" is that, rather than it appearing to guys as "big" it appears FIT! I guess that is what turns most guys on (including me) and, in the main, stick insects simply don't, but it takes all sorts, doesn't it?

In fact the word "fit" has even gained its place in the terminology of popular culture these days to mean sexy, hasn't it?

BigSis said...

I guess I should appreciate my butt more if people pay so much to get implants!

I work with someone whose nickname is teacup because it is said that you could place a teacup on her shelf in the back!

mo.stoneskin said...

This whole junk in the trunk business is all new to me. Where have I been?

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

that is insane! who cares about butts??? I'd much rather have boobs!

The Boob Nazi said...

I saw a video where this lady's butt implants kept falling down, and she was trying to sue her doctor... Just a little ridiculous.

Ms. Wanda said...

Surgery, Smurgery, what can you do? Everybody's gotta fix something I suppose:)

On a side note, I wish they had some kind of surgery that could make your feet shrink from a 10 to a cute 7, that's just me:)

xoxox
Ms. Wanda

My name is PJ. said...

I would donate a kidney, even a lung if needed. But now, if I can donate part of my butt, well, that sounds like a win-win situation!

Simone said...

I have no need of implants, being amply covered pretty much everywhere, but nothing, NOTHING, would persuade me to have butt implants....ridiculousness IMHO second only to the op I read about where you can have your toes lengthened....don't ask me how!

Plastic surgery does fascinate me I must admit - not cos I want anything done, I wouldn't ever do it, but I am just amazed what people do to themselves....and I'm talking about the really unnecessary stuff.

Your comment about not being able to sit for two months made me laugh out loud!! Why would anyone do that to thenselves....why?

Very funny post JennyMac :)

Brian Miller said...

this is the second time in 2 days i have heard about butt implants...someone trying to tell me something?

Joann Mannix said...

I am Miss Flat Ass of the Century, but I've got a hell of a lot more body parts I would improve via surgery. My pancake butt doesn't even register on the scope of physical enhancements I have in my current queue.

And if you think that's something. How about labiaplasty? Labia enhancement surgery. Now, that, I think, is taking things a little too far. The only enhancing is for cosmetic's sake. In fact, from what I've heard, the surgery can cause a loss of sensation. For what? To have a pretty cooch? I'd pick function over form any day when it comes to that!

vanilla said...

I love this stuff: the story, I mean.

I once saw a totally forgetable movie, save one line, that being a reference to JLo's "size six dress." Years later wife and I still laugh about that one.

klfd.woods said...

Funny you should post this today for just this morning my 3 yr old, very directly told me that I had a big butt and hers was small.

Phew, she saved me some big bucks!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

I'm more of a thigh man myself.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Eva Gallant said...

I have trouble understanding why anyone would be willing to go under the knife for anything but life-saving necessary surgery!

Susan Erickson said...

Now I have to go google J Lo and look at her butt! What's all the surgery about? Love all the great adjectives for a fat ass, by the way....

Danielle said...

Hysterical post, I too can not imagine NOT sitting for two months.. seriously are you laying on your belly the whole time? How does one function? how does one consume food or beverage.

OMG how does one use the ladies room! AHH

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

People were saying junk in the trunk in 1989? Where have I been? I have no ass but I don't think I'd pay 10 G for one or not be able to sit for 2 months. Come to think of it, maybe I should get up off my ass and do some squats!

Yankee Girl said...

There are a few surgeries I might possible consider, but my booty is just fine, thanks. And even if it wasn't, the now make jeans that lift and shape the booty. And they are significantly less expensive!

obladi oblada said...

Butt implants? That is just weird. I dont need anymore butt, or anything else for that matter...I cant believe people would pay for a big butt.

Barbaloot said...

I can be like Jenny just by eating my favorite junk food. And that would be a LOT more fun than needles and implants.

Dumblond said...

Yeah, that is one plastic surgery procedure that I'm pretty sure I will never need. My butt is so ample that during our last snow storm I slipped on a patch of ice and bounced when I hit the ground.

Ms Bibi said...

I think I stick with padded underwear...I like sitting on my somewhat flat hiney....hubs says it's good looking so I'll take his work for it. Jenny from the block can keep her bubble butt.

Elle said...

As an owner to a pretty junky trunk, it baffles me that people would willingly sign up to enlarge their buttocks. I'm with you; give me ten grand (or, hell, even five), and I'll gladly share!

The recovery sounds horrible. How do you not sit for two months?! What about going to the bathroom? Or going anywhere in a vehicle? I just cannot imagine!

Linda said...

I don't have a lot of junk in my trunk but I got me some belly love!!

carma said...

embarrassed to admit I was rollerskating to Sir Mix-a-Lot just last week...I am not in need of a butt implant though. Mine is quite rounded in case anyone was curious.

Ashley Stone said...

I've heard of that before and I agree, I can't imagine why anyone would want at BIGGER butt! The guys I work with call me "ghetto booty." One of them started it and now they all think it's funny cause I hate it so much. They say it's a "good thing." Well...I disagree!

Herding Cats said...

I simply cannot imagine NOT SITTING for 2 months. How does one function? Also, how does one manage to use the restroom?

Clemson Girl said...

I've seen in the Victoria's Secret catalog panties that have a little extra cush in the the tush. Seems a bit simplier to put on a pair of padded panties than to go through surgery. Best part -- you can sit down immediately after!

DeNae said...

I bet you looked very cute in your jeans and rugby shirt. Those boys were just paying homage in the language of car wash attendants and parolees everywhere. Don't you pay them no nevermind, Jenny!

M-Cat said...

I just want an ass-lift. Gravity takes it's toll, and I don't care how lean and fit you are, sagging happens to the best of us.

I wonder if I could find a surgeon who would do a two-fer deal. Boob and ass lift all in one shot?

Tsquared417 said...

I have JLo-type butt and I love it! In shape, but not small...and on a side note, my 8-year-old was singing Sir Mix-a-lot's song the other day and was singing "I like big butts in a can alive!" We were dying!!

Pricilla said...

I repeat my oft intoned mantra:
it's good to be a goat
it's good to be a goat
it's good to be a goat.

Christiejolu said...

I like sitting too much to have this surgery.

Emily said...

So I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I came by my JLo booty naturally? :)

I'm Jane said...

If you don't have $10K, can you maybe get one cheek done for $5K? Just curious. It would, perhaps, be worth it just for the excellent conversation starting purposes.

Erin said...

A boob job was painful enough and I don't have to sit on my boobs.

Nevermind that I don't need any more junk in this here trunk.

NO way. NO how. Just....NO.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Hmm, I don't know if I want baduk kadunk implants, most likely not.

I forgot what the hell I was going to say. Damn!

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

I wrote a post on my blog last fall about how I had a very small rear... and how I kinda wanted butt implants! But I had no idea they came with a 2 month recovery time. Who has time for that???

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Salt said...

I wish my problem was tiny biscuits.
I definitely have a little more junk than is necessary in my trunk at the moment.

Midday Escapades said...

Oh wow, another hilarious post. You know what? I actually had the pleasure of singing that very song at the firm's Christmas karoake party. Thanks to the numbnuts husband of a co-worker who signed me up.

nycgirl0501 said...

People are crazy. Is the lawsuit you are referring to the NJ doctor who gave buttocks-enhancement injections containing silicone used to caulk bathtubs? That was the sickest I've heard!

C-R-A-Z-Y!

I will be happy with my small apple bottoms :) LOL

Aging Mommy said...

It seems very short sighted of people to me to follow something that is best described as a fad, because some stars today like Lopez have ample rears and so that is now in fashion. What about in a decade or so when the new up and coming starlets in tinseltown have flat as a pancake rears and that becomes all the rage. What will they do then?

I have very thick lips and when I was growing up that was not considered fashionable or attractive. Nowadays thanks to stars like Angelina big lips are all the rage and people are going out and getting ridiculous lip implants that make them, just like Meg Ryan and Melanie Griffith, appear like strange creatures you would only expect to find at the bottom of the ocean.

I will confess, speaking of being short sighted, that I would love to get my eyes fixed but am too much of a coward to do it!

Sarah P said...

WTF is the point of having surgery if you can't even sit on your ass for two months? Isn't that the upside of surgery?

Johana Hill said...

Plastic surgery does not appeal to me. But once I so wanted to have a boobage reduction! Yes. I was the only one in college with big boobs and it was so frustrating to have people (especially guys) talking to my breasts instead of looking me in the eyes and hold a conversation.

So where's a picture of that booty of yours? *grins*

Mommy Lisa said...

Boo Boo smacked my trunk this morning and said, "Mama you have a big butt."

nice. thanks.

mandatorybloghere said...

i have a huge ass, lol yay me i guess

Christopher said...

I'm an ass-man myself and since someone already stole the junk in the trunk line I'll just say that I'm glad to be "following" you. Oh wait... you don't like that sort of thing. Sorry.

shortmama said...

for 5k Id give them my left arse cheek and still have a big butt

Ellen said...

Umm yeah, I think I'll stick to my walking lunges and squats!

http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/

Ellen said...

Yeah, I think I'm gonna stick with my walking lunges! I have become more obsessed with getting a perky booty as I've gotten older, but I could never go to such an extreme. Not to mention, I can't AFFORD to. So what are your thoughts on Heidi Montag's 10-procedure plastic surgery??

http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/

Jennifer Juniper said...

Nope, I'll never want that thing bigger!

CatLadyLarew said...

I'd be willing to give up some of the junk in my trunk for a transplant...

UberGrumpy said...

:)

Thank you for the new and interesting ways to describe my backside.

Which by the way is small and pert

Mrsblogalot said...

I'm happy to say that there is one surgery that I don't want. If I can't sit on my ass, I'd be lost. Even for a little while.

J.J. said...

As someone who has had to stay off her backside for the past 7 weeks (and for the next 2), I would NEVER get a butt implant. This ain't fun.

And if anyone wants a little 'junk in their trunk', I'll be MORE than happy to give them 1/2 of mine. ; )

The Constant Complainer said...

It makes me wonder if Kesha was referring to when she said, "Boys try to touch my junk." LOL. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the whole butt implant idea.

Matty said...

I can think of better ways to spend my money. 10k just for new buns just because you're concerned about what other people think? I think not.

Tracie said...

I have a long plastic surgery wish list. Butt implants are not on it. However, I could be a butt donor and still have enough left for me.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Um, I'm really glad you're staying away from the implants. and fuck, now I want a calzone.

K A B L O O E Y said...

The post cracked me up. (Get it? Get it?) But it was rivaled by Tsquared417's daughter singing "I like big butts in a can alive..." You must make a video. Please? Or I'm gonna have to teach that version to my kid and do it myself.

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

Well, forget that. How am I supposed to eat my take-out and read my trashy novels standing up for two months? Next thing you know, they'll recommend you freakin' exercise. It's as if the entire country is intent on going straight to hell, IN A HANDBASKET.

Kato said...

Oh yes. The butt implant. I think someone snuck into my house in the middle of the night a few years ago and gave me butt implants in my sleep. Because the ass I have now happened overnight, when I wasn't looking. I swear it.

Sigh.

Little Ms J said...

Um. Pssst. So, what's his number? I am butt challenged.

ModernMom said...

lol What if one of your future activities is sitting! Love it:)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Wow, I'd give away some of my trunk junk for $50 and a Starbucks latte.

Christine Macdonald said...

"Nice ass"

"Thanks. Dr. Klein."

Just doesn't seem right.

Lauren said...

This whole post had me chuckling, but the image of tight jeans with the oversized, tucked in rugby shirt just rang so true with me that I had to laugh outloud! I personally think it is a look that needs to come back!

undomestic chica said...

My butt has always been my THING! I actually quit working out a few weeks ago because my boyfriend said my butt got smaller....but I'm starting another routine tomorrow.

Sharon Osbourne (Ozzie's wife) has butt implants.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Um, go check out this video. I promise, you won't be sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4EvVErNhVE

uggclogs said...

Oh, clearly these people that are willing to go under the knife have not yet discovered the butt bra! Much better, because it is far cheaper, and if fashions change, it can be ditched as well!

pook555 said...

I think that someone comes up with these surgeries as a lark and then sees how many people will do them for funsies (and to see how much money they can make). No joke, I knew a woman who was so excited to tell me how she'd saved up some money (yep, something like 10k, and I think she had to sell say, a car, to do this) for a "special plastic surgery procedure." So I start assuming everything from nose job to liposuction. Nope, it was a butt lift...I repeat, there is an operation that lifts your butt cheeks apparently. A sucker is born every minute *sigh*

Secretia said...

I'm going to wait and see if men start complaining that my ass is too SMALL!

Secretia

Baloney said...

I think I'll just start pretending that I had a "butt job". Tee hee. Is that what we'd call it?
Yes, my butt sticks out like that because I paid for it to.
Hmmm.

T!nK said...

i want an applebottom!!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I also heard that JLO insured her bootylicious buns for a couple million bones. Ya know. Just in case something happened to them...?

Libby said...

I had a shirt that said "nothing wrong with a little junk in the trunk" with an elephant on it. Because yea, homegirl's got a booty. But the best part is that it sparked a dorm-wide debate freshman year about all the ways it could be translated...there were posters and everything.
And I feel like that J-Lo/Doctor news is now necessary trivial pursuit knowledge.

Jen said...

I'm with you on the booty JennyMac! I have all I need. Used to hate it, but then I realized that guys really do like it, and it's become one of my favorite features. Flaunt it if you got it! Right?

Now I'm thankful that women are finally getting implants for something I actually have (I'm rather small in the chest area, which I am also, now, completely fine with)!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Aaaah, JennyMac. I too have a...messy trunk. When I was young it was, well, young with me. My hips were nice and narrow and the boo-tay had just the perfect amount of projection. *sigh, it is sliding down the back of my legs.

Mighty M said...

I loved the shout out to the Palouse. Or, "God's Country" as my husband calls it. He insists we are going to retire there (this coming from a man who has a huge Cougar forever engraved on his arm should come as no surprise I guess).

I think I like you more now cause you're a Coug. I'm only a Coug by marriage, but I'll take it. Especially after they get their football team to play a little better. :)

My butt? Forever FLAT. But fit. :)

Intense Guy said...

If I could only move my gut around to my backside .... big gut.. no ass... that's me. :)