Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ten tips for people who like to take pics of their body parts to share with others.

There seems to be an activity growing in popularity. This activity is called Taking pictures of your body parts and texting those pictures to other people. Initially, I thought such a shenanigan limited to The Howard Stern Show.  I also saw the negative aftermath of such a stunt well documented in the movie American Teen.

And now, there is non-stop chatter regarding Brett Favre and whether he sent pictures of his naked little Viking to a former Jets sideline reporter. I do not know (or care) if he did or if he didn't. Listen, I have a hard enough time following whether he is going to retire or unretire. He oscillates weekly. (On a side note, I do know he is not denying it. My word, don't your attorneys tell you anything Brett Favre?)

For fun,google the words "fired for texting lewd pictures" and you will find news articles alleging this is a weekly occurrence.  I don't understand the motivation to participate in this activity but since its popularity and frequency only seems to increase, I have some suggestions.

Ten tips for people who like to take pictures of their body parts to share with others:

 1. If you  meet someone, and you find them smoking hot, why not try simple conversation? When that gets you nowhere, maybe you can lie and say you are a fighter pilot, or Jean Claude's stunt double. Do NOT get their cell number and then immediately set about to seduce them with pictures.

2. If you want an awesome way to celebrate good news or encourage team building at work, I suggest you bring in baked goods or perhaps buy a round of shots. You should definitely resist taking a picture of your Johnson to show people at the office.  They are called co-workers and not best friends for life here to harbor your secrets and help you avoid pitfalls.  Just ask Sean Salisbury. Further, this will not snag you an awesome promotion. In fact, it will get you canned. Just ask Sean Salisbury. By the way, if you would not so much as utter the F word in a staff meeting at your office, you should know that dirty pics are a dead end. PS: There is your career, swirling in the toilet.

3. If you simply MUST take a pic of your body parts to send someone, here is a a good rule of thumb: If on the average day, the part you want to feature is covered by multiple layers of clothing, ask yourself why that body part is covered by multiple layers of clothing. Don't consider that a fluke.

4. With the litany of body parts available, choose wisely. There is a reason the postage stamp features people's faces and not your pork and beans.The US Postal Service is right about this one.

5. If you are single, once you ignore all the previous suggestions, you should ONLY send naughty pics of your naughty parts to people you are dating. Extra important if you are in high school. Because everyone knows there is no risk your relationship will possibly be short-term and then you never have to worry about someone using those photos against you. 

6. If you are married, you should definitely swap those photos back and forth with your spouse because every one knows that marriage never ends  in divorce or bitter divorce and then you never have to worry about someone using those photos against you. 

Extra brilliance = you are single and texting these pictures to someone who is married. OR you are married and texting these pictures to someone who is not married to you. Naughty pics = proof (proof in this case = divorce court + alimony.)

7. Hey everyone who wants to take pictures of their privates, let me introduce you to this new fan-dangled thing currently all the rage: The INTERNET. You can thank Al Gore that now, with the click of a button, that pic you sent one night after too much red wine can now be sent by an Ex-Lovah to your entire email address book which includes your hair stylist, the tennis league, Car Pool, and your high school music teacher. Guess who doesn't want to see your parts? Your entire email address book which includes your hair stylist, the tennis league, Car Pool, and your high school music teacher. Even if one of them got sloshed one night and did it too, they will NEVER admit it.

8. When you take pics of your privates, definitely have your face showing in the reflection of the bathroom mirror so later, when you try to deny it, it will be impossible. This will just save you time of trying to deny it for months to later finally admit it or what I like to call "Truth telling in increments: The Bill Clinton Method."

9. You don't really need to send pics of your body parts to people, now do you? No. Of course not. Why? Because anyone with a modicum of imagination can close their eyes and even on a bad day, if inclined, could come pretty close to conjuring up an image of your parts. I never sat on Santa's lap requesting someone text me a picture of their parts. EVER. Why? Because I  have already seen the parts. I have parts of my own, and there is no need to frame that and hang it in our foyer. Also, I have seen a penis or two before. I don't need that captured for life in my cell phone. Even if you LOVE the penis, you probably love chocolate chip cookie dough, or Prada bags, and you don't store those pics for life. A picture of a man's junk is not a rarity. I want to see pictures of either happy times or things I will likely never see again. If you have a picture of, say, a real leprechaun, than, F____ YES you should text it to me. But the contents of your undergarments? I will pass. 

10. The public at large does not want desire to see your parts either. How do I know? Because if the public at large did want to see your parts, here is how it would go down:

Ring ring, ring ring.
You: Hello.
Other person: Hi, this is X from ___ (insert name of Publisher stellar in this line of work.)
You: Yes?
Other person: We would like to take pictures of your bits and then emblazon the glossy pages of our magazine with those photos as a testament to the fabulousness of your bits, and to give them a permanent tribute.
You: Really? WOW. That is AMAZING. I can't believe it. What do I have to do?
Other person: Well, you will come to our professional studio, and work with our professional stylists, professional photogs, and professional camera crew using professional lighting, professional editing, and professional photo finishing. In fact, your bits will look so perfect, you will think they fell from heaven.
You: Wait, can't I just take a picture with my iPhone and text them to you? 

Other person: The other person says nothing because all you hear is dial tone. That other person who makes millions from the manufacturing of photos of this sort of thing KNOWS that regardless of your fancy pixels, the camera phone photo shoot can NOT possibly benefit anyone.

Oh, I know you think it is hot. That is the Jose Cuervo talking, honey. And I already clearly explained what an A-hole Jose Cuervo is.

No one immediately recognizes the content of naked private pics anyway. The initial reaction is: Why would you send me a pic of an aardvark? Or: What a scary ostrich. Or: Apparently, someone failed Puppetry because that is the ugliest cookie monster I have ever seen. And once the recipient has their Oprah-style AHA moment, the pic can only make your bits look a certain way: Starved for attention. Sad. And yucky. And now that you snapped that pic on your phone and sent it to someone, it is quite likely, someday many other people will get to see it as well.

47 comments:

The Savage said...

And the only reason should one ignore Jenny Mac's is if they are trying to get in the porn business... just saying...

That One Mom said...

Hahahaha! This is so funny! i haven't really heard much about the Favre shenanigans, but ew! He's a grandpa, for the love!

the walking man said...

I guess this is why my wife won't let me have a camera phone. Or maybe because my (hahahahahahaah) pork is lost in the beans and would be to hard to find.

See how humanity has evolved with technology, it used to be the best you could do was leave nasty buttock prints on the copier glass.

Mommy Lisa said...

A little over five years ago a girlfriend was GIGGLING at our girls weekend...keep in mind we were all in our mid-thirties....not college. I asked her WHY she was giggling and she told us all to come look at her phone.

HER HUSBAND had video texted himself wacking off and she SHOWED it to all of us.
Let me just say I already thought this guy was skeevy and she is now divorced from him....ew.ew.ew.

webb said...

Too funny, too true. Can't think of anything I want to see on my phone that, well, THAT! I may need to take away my husband's Droid. Keep your bits to yourself!

Intense Guy said...

I will never look at pork and beans the same way, ever again.

I've done umm... considerable research into the matter and most "Johnsons" look the same as to womenly bits. If someone's looks really "unique" - normally its deformed and not something anyone wants to see...

Err.. well.. Umm.. so I've been told.

Herding Cats said...

I think this post should be required reading for all...but especially for high school students. It seems to be a trend these days that kids take naked pictures and press "send." Oh so not smart!

Stephanie said...

Hilarious. Next, can you address the people that take pictures of their feet and post them on FB? There are times when I'd rather see the pork and beans.....

Erin said...

So True-now would you please write something to the public that goes something like this "just because "someones" penis is reported to be online, please do not google to see said penis. It will leave you scarred for life, and you will never be able to look at the person the same"......yes google and I are no longer friends!!

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

*BLECH* So happy I've never been the recipient of a man-o-gram of this ilk. How absolutely low class can people get??? Nothing sexy about it.

Great use of the words "viking" and "pork and beans" heeheehee!!!!

Ed said...

Do you know how long it took me to find a cellphone camera with a wide-angle panoramic lens?

Shit!

Now you tell me that was time wasted!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Scary how often people email those types of photos around. I so hope Favre is not dumb or skevy enough to have done that. I did like him.

Two Fat Girls Take Umbrage said...

Someof us over at the weight loss blogs might take exception to # 2. I guess I could suffer a glance at some guy's boring/miniature business if it replaced the meeting room full of god-knows-why-they-are-tempting sugary snacks. Not sure, though.

You are funny!

J

Simply Suthern said...

I was wondering why he was so comfy in his Wranglers. They were around his knees.

You aint billing by the hour for this legal advice are ya cause I'm a slow reader.

jules said...

Ha ha ha. I love #3. SO TRUE!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Jenny, that was priceless! Great post...so true!

Baloney said...

Ummmm... Just delete that picture I sent you. My bad.

Big Fat Gini said...

Ha! You had me at Brett Favre!

In all seriousness, naked texts come back to haunt you like the drunken dance you did at the company Christmas party. So, let's not. Lest you're remembered as "you know, Jeff, the one with the small penis?" And that sticks forever. For. Ev. Er.

(do I get bonus points for The Sandlot reference?)

Stereo said...

BRILLIANT.

I wish all these twitter people would read this.

Eric said...

If I were a famous NFL quarterback and had terrible enough judgement to do this, I'd at least make a little Green Bay helmet for it or something to make the shot interesting.

Mighty M said...

People are weird.

That is all. :)

Kristina P. said...

This is hilarious! You should check out my Someecard of the week on my sidebar. I sent it to all my coworkers. About 7 months ago, we were closing up, all hanging around in the lobby, when my coworker asked, "How do you feel about pictures of genetalia?" This was during a conversation about dating. We will never let him live it down.

We also were talking about it again last night, and I think if it's a side view of a penis, it probably wouldn't fall under sexual harassment.

shortmama said...

Wait what? I shouldnt be sending out my lady bits to random people on FB? Why world why????!!!!!

foxy said...

Man, I don't get it either. What ARE these people thinking?? And this - "Truth telling in increments: The Bill Clinton Method." - made me smirk. Love it!

Myya said...

People are so stupid, especially celebrities! Will they never learn??? If only publisists & managers had a copy of your list, it could save many a scandle LOL

Rebecka said...

A small addition to your rules:

If you are endeavoring to find a soulmate via online dating, do NOT include a closeup up of your parts in the first email exchange.
Just a suggestion...

SoccerMom said...

LOVE # 8
too funny.

But what if you participate in HNT?

Its like art really. Something awesome you want to share with the world (anonymously of course).
In little tiny creative parts.

Just sayin.......

Emily said...

I'm laughing hysterically as I'm reading this...and racking my brains trying to make sure I never actually got sloshed and did any of this! :D

HalfAsstic.com said...

BWAHAHAHA!
Oh dear Lord! I need to send you that latest pic I have of a leprechaun! Little bugger's been digging holes in my yard at night...

M-Cat said...

Laughing until I cry over here, simply because in the last two weeks, I read on FB where my EX dil asked a freak dude to text her a pic of his a**hole. AND HE DID!

And then because my friend was being a smart aleck, I sexted her a picture of my ear lobe. It was the only sexy I had for the day.

LMAO!

Idea #527 said...

Love it!! Especially #5.

I remember that one of my old guy roommates took a pic of his junk in his hand and then showed it to me later. I was in such shock!!

And really, is a man's private area is really all that sexy?!?

secret agent woman said...

I think the general rule is don't send photos of any personal part of you if the receiver hasn't already seen them in person.

But honestly, an isolated shot of a man's nether bits doesn't do it for me anyway. A muscular ass, maybe. :=)

secret agent woman said...

And while we're on the topic, would someone please pull the plug on that ill-conceived HNT phenomenon? It's chased me away from more than a few blogs.

DeNae said...

I would like to take a moment to thank all 5 billion other residents of planet earth for leaving me off their 'naughty text messages' list. Seriously. You're gems.

I've never once seen a picture of any man's south forty without my face morphing from "wait, what am I looking at?" to "eewww!". It never passes through "Wow, I gotta get me some of that."

Little Ms J said...

I can totally get on board with a chick sending a pic of herself in lingerie or even a guy flexing his washboard abs, but they don't call it "bumping uglies" for kicks. Have you ever seen a flaccid penis and not laughed?

Oh. Really?

I guess I'm the only one.

My name is PJ. said...

This new past time is beyond comprehension! And, one impulsive moment...or one too many drinks...or too many drugs...and it's out there forever.

I'm old. I still think phones were meant to be used for conversation. Answering machines, although dinosaurs, were the beginning of the the end for me.

Marcy said...

Here is an excerpt from a recent Kansas Supreme Court opinion suspending a local lawyer's bar license for this (in addition to a few other things):

"The Respondent took a digital photograph of his penis and sent it via a mobile telephone text message, to AA#4. The
Respondent's extreme behavior adversely reflects on his fitness to practice law. As such,
the Hearing Panel concludes that the Respondent violated KRPC 8.4(g)."

He said he did it because the AA (Judge's Admin Assistant) said she was having a bad day and he thought it would cheer her up.

COME ON!!!!

DaisyGal said...

I was nodding and giggling through the WHOLE POST and then I read the last paragraph, got to the "UGLIEST COOKIE MONSTER" part and someone just stopped in my office to "see if I was ok" because I was laughing so hard I was choking....THANK YOU....(NOT LOL)

I love you my friend

AmyLK said...

Way too funny! I love your take on this! lol

Elz said...

Love this. It should be mandatory reading for all middle schoolers b/c by high school, they've taken & sent the pictures that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Maria said...

Too much, girl. Too much!

The Constant Complainer said...

As Ben Stiller once said in "There's Something About Mary," "What about Brett Favvvvvrrrreeehhhh." LOL.

But as far as that's concerned, your're exactly right. The guy retires, skips training camp and then unretires. It's a damn spectacle that fans should no longer tolerate! And since he is always like, "I am coming back because my family wants me to." Well, if that's the case, then why are you 'sexting' pictures of your one-eyed monster to someone that isn't your wife, dude!

And yes, I work in HR as you know. My advice - don't take the picture at all unless you want it come back and haunt you.

Jason, as himself said...

Ooops. I wish I had read this post a while back.....

Cakelaw said...

LOL - a fabulous post.

Cakelaw said...

LOL - a fabulous post.

Chez Zizi said...

So funny but true. You mentioned Jose, have you seen the tequila video with the stick figure guy? If not I will send it to you, it is hilarious.
Have a great day!
Zizette

hotpants™ said...

I'm catching up on blogs today. This is the second post in the last 5 minutes I've read about this. Here's what I said in response to the other post.

WHY ARE MEN SO STUPID? First of all, from what I've read, she wasn't interested at all. She never responded to his calls, voicemails or texts. Why then send pics of your penis? He's famous and married. Why did he think this was a good idea?