There seems to be an activity growing in popularity. This activity is called Taking pictures of your body parts and texting those pictures to other people. Initially, I thought such a shenanigan limited to The Howard Stern Show. I also saw the negative aftermath of such a stunt well documented in the movie American Teen.
And now, there is non-stop chatter regarding Brett Favre and whether he sent pictures of his naked little Viking to a former Jets sideline reporter. I do not know (or care) if he did or if he didn't. Listen, I have a hard enough time following whether he is going to retire or unretire. He oscillates weekly. (On a side note, I do know he is not denying it. My word, don't your attorneys tell you anything Brett Favre?)
For fun,google the words "fired for texting lewd pictures" and you will find news articles alleging this is a weekly occurrence. I don't understand the motivation to participate in this activity but since its popularity and frequency only seems to increase, I have some suggestions.
Ten tips for people who like to take pictures of their body parts to share with others:
1. If you meet someone, and you find them smoking hot, why not try simple conversation? When that gets you nowhere, maybe you can lie and say you are a fighter pilot, or Jean Claude's stunt double. Do NOT get their cell number and then immediately set about to seduce them with pictures.
2. If you want an awesome way to celebrate good news or encourage team building at work, I suggest you bring in baked goods or perhaps buy a round of shots. You should definitely resist taking a picture of your Johnson to show people at the office. They are called co-workers and not best friends for life here to harbor your secrets and help you avoid pitfalls. Just ask Sean Salisbury. Further, this will not snag you an awesome promotion. In fact, it will get you canned. Just ask Sean Salisbury. By the way, if you would not so much as utter the F word in a staff meeting at your office, you should know that dirty pics are a dead end. PS: There is your career, swirling in the toilet.
3. If you simply MUST take a pic of your body parts to send someone, here is a a good rule of thumb: If on the average day, the part you want to feature is covered by multiple layers of clothing, ask yourself why that body part is covered by multiple layers of clothing. Don't consider that a fluke.
4. With the litany of body parts available, choose wisely. There is a reason the postage stamp features people's faces and not your pork and beans.The US Postal Service is right about this one.
5. If you are single, once you ignore all the previous suggestions, you should ONLY send naughty pics of your naughty parts to people you are dating. Extra important if you are in high school. Because everyone knows there is no risk your relationship will possibly be short-term and then you never have to worry about someone using those photos against you.
6. If you are married, you should definitely swap those photos back and forth with your spouse because every one knows that marriage never ends in divorce or bitter divorce and then you never have to worry about someone using those photos against you.
Extra brilliance = you are single and texting these pictures to someone who is married. OR you are married and texting these pictures to someone who is not married to you. Naughty pics = proof (proof in this case = divorce court + alimony.)
7. Hey everyone who wants to take pictures of their privates, let me introduce you to this new fan-dangled thing currently all the rage: The INTERNET. You can thank Al Gore that now, with the click of a button, that pic you sent one night after too much red wine can now be sent by an Ex-Lovah to your entire email address book which includes your hair stylist, the tennis league, Car Pool, and your high school music teacher. Guess who doesn't want to see your parts? Your entire email address book which includes your hair stylist, the tennis league, Car Pool, and your high school music teacher. Even if one of them got sloshed one night and did it too, they will NEVER admit it.
8. When you take pics of your privates, definitely have your face showing in the reflection of the bathroom mirror so later, when you try to deny it, it will be impossible. This will just save you time of trying to deny it for months to later finally admit it or what I like to call "Truth telling in increments: The Bill Clinton Method."
9. You don't really need to send pics of your body parts to people, now do you? No. Of course not. Why? Because anyone with a modicum of imagination can close their eyes and even on a bad day, if inclined, could come pretty close to conjuring up an image of your parts. I never sat on Santa's lap requesting someone text me a picture of their parts. EVER. Why? Because I have already seen the parts. I have parts of my own, and there is no need to frame that and hang it in our foyer. Also, I have seen a penis or two before. I don't need that captured for life in my cell phone. Even if you LOVE the penis, you probably love chocolate chip cookie dough, or Prada bags, and you don't store those pics for life. A picture of a man's junk is not a rarity. I want to see pictures of either happy times or things I will likely never see again. If you have a picture of, say, a real leprechaun, than, F____ YES you should text it to me. But the contents of your undergarments? I will pass.
10. The public at large does not want desire to see your parts either. How do I know? Because if the public at large did want to see your parts, here is how it would go down:
Ring ring, ring ring.
Other person: Hi, this is X from ___ (insert name of Publisher stellar in this line of work.)
Other person: We would like to take pictures of your bits and then emblazon the glossy pages of our magazine with those photos as a testament to the fabulousness of your bits, and to give them a permanent tribute.
You: Really? WOW. That is AMAZING. I can't believe it. What do I have to do?
Other person: Well, you will come to our professional studio, and work with our professional stylists, professional photogs, and professional camera crew using professional lighting, professional editing, and professional photo finishing. In fact, your bits will look so perfect, you will think they fell from heaven.
You: Wait, can't I just take a picture with my iPhone and text them to you?
Other person: The other person says nothing because all you hear is dial tone. That other person who makes millions from the manufacturing of photos of this sort of thing KNOWS that regardless of your fancy pixels, the camera phone photo shoot can NOT possibly benefit anyone.
Oh, I know you think it is hot. That is the Jose Cuervo talking, honey. And I already clearly explained what an A-hole Jose Cuervo is.
No one immediately recognizes the content of naked private pics anyway. The initial reaction is: Why would you send me a pic of an aardvark? Or: What a scary ostrich. Or: Apparently, someone failed Puppetry because that is the ugliest cookie monster I have ever seen. And once the recipient has their Oprah-style AHA moment, the pic can only make your bits look a certain way: Starved for attention. Sad. And yucky. And now that you snapped that pic on your phone and sent it to someone, it is quite likely, someday many other people will get to see it as well.