Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Poor Rob

True Story:
During our sophomore year of college, a girlfriend of mine, KK, went home for a week over Thanksgiving break. Her boyfriend was invited home with her for the holiday. Her parents had agreed to this arrangement only if he stayed in the younger brother's room. Right.

Upon his arrival days before Thanksgiving, he placed his overnight bag and backpack in their entryway. Later, in effort to help him take his bags upstairs, KK picked up his backpack by the bottom. Unfortunately it was only partially zipped and overstuffed with books he would never take one look at during the break. Gravity and weight working against her, the zipper flew open and the contents emptied into the foyer. To which her younger brother, about 12 at the time, spied some contraband and shouted, "MOM, ROB HAS RUBBERS IN HIS BAG." KK was mortified as most 19 year-olds would be. Rob's mortification doubled hers. Her Mom, walking in from the kitchen, spied the bedlam as well and then decided Rob could sleep in the basement.

On Thanksgiving, with a slew of family over for dinner, the group has a great dinner as KK’s Mom and Dad are both fantastic cooks. For the dessert bonanza, her five year old little sister presented a pie she had made as a special surprise. Mom assisted in most of the utensil and ingredient assembly. The 5 y.o. called around the corner to ask the Mom where she could locate the main ingredient, pumpkin, which her Mom said “look for the orange can in the cupboard.” Surprise pie made, she was so proud of her creation. When it was cut open and plated, her Dad was the first to sample. After one bite, the Dad halted all other taste-testers. “Honey, what did you use to make the pie?”

“Whip cream!”

“What else?”

“Punkin!”

“Can you show me the Pumpkin can?”

All eyes at the table ever so curious….the little sister returns from the kitchen with an empty can. Canned pumpkin not the ONLY orange can in the cupboard. Was the surprise the pie itself? Or was the surprise that her sister had made a pie of wet cat food and covered it with Cool Whip?

Thankfully, after the laughter subsided, there were other pies to eat. At least the spilled rubbers in the foyer were forgotten about...

And finally, after dinner and ready to be strewn about the downstairs den watching football and family games, KK’s Mom opens the basement door to let the dog up who had been sequestered during Thanksgiving dinner revelry and Cat Pie a la mode. The dog races up ever so enthusiastically as the family files downstairs. KK’s Father, first in line, is quick to discover someone didn’t leave the guest bathroom door closed and the dog got into and traipsed the garbage can contents about like tinsel on a tree. He was also the first (of many) to discover that certain visiting holiday guests apparently didn’t learn in college that you flush used condoms down the toilet and DO NOT put them in the garbage can wrapped in tissue.

KK instantly wished they were back at the table eating cat food pie. Rob planned to pack his bags and immediately vacate the household. Nothing like observing evidence of someone's active sex life to combat the tryptophan.

What was KK most thankful for that year? When Thanksgiving ended. And of course, in later years, she could appreciate three very memorable stories all of which summarized by her family as the "Poor Rob" weekend. Even long after Rob was but a memory.

I hope your holiday is just as lively.

85 comments:

the walking man said...

Actually my dear...I hope it is not just as memorable as that one. ha ha ha Rob just wasn't a clever lad which is why he probably only survives in memory even though it was KK who did the sleep walking to the basement.

My name is PJ. said...

While #1 and #3 are monumentally CRINGE-worthy, cat food pie is so incredibly funny and I could smell and taste it when I saw the photo of the can!

susan said...

Talk about star-crossed lovers! :) This is what makes a family a family--provided everyone has a good sense of humor! As a mother, the condoms might take me a while to see the humor!

Simone said...

Oh my god...just hilarious!! Cat food pie....yikes!!

:)

Gillian said...

*giggle* what a brilliant story!

Amanda said...

That is easily one of the best Thanksgiving stories I have ever read! Hysterical. Thank you for posting it!

f8hasit said...

I had a "Poor Nancy" moment when visiting a beau's family one Thanksgiving as well.
Although mine happened at 'that time of the month', the family dog "Rex", and a tampon.

You can figure it out.
Hint: EVERYONE knows NOT to flush tampons.

:-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

mo.stoneskin said...

It is a damn shame that Dad halted all the other tasters. Ideally he would have grimaced, smiled and said "delicious" and then watched the scene unfold...

wuhahahah

CatLadyLarew said...

Boy, I could use a Thanksgiving dinner like that to liven things up around here!

BigSis said...

Awesome. And it puts into perspectice whatever may be waiting for us tomorrow :)

JenJen said...

As long as the horny couple is in the same house, a flight of stairs will do little to keep them apart!

Good story and I am especially fond of the way you told it!

Deanne said...

LOL! Great Story!

Shorty said...

Very funny story... quite the little feline theme going there, if you catch my drift! : ) I'm glad KK & Rob were smart enough to use condoms, and surely her family appreciated that on some level. There's something to be said for big family gatherings... there is always some sort of mishap lurking around a corner that will surely entertain some and horrify others.

Stephanie Faris said...

Now THAT is embarrassing. Worse than anything in the movie "Meet the Parents!"

Slamdunk said...

I am guessing that with the young man's luck, had he flushed it down the toilet, there would have been a tremendous wave of water that flooded the bathroom caused by a drain clog. He was simply a doomed individual...

brainella said...

Wow. That IS a good story. :-) Only interesting thing that has happened here on Thanksgiving is my MIL getting drunk on Scotch BEFORE dinner and then spilling cranberry sauce all over the white linen table cloth.

Kate said...

We don't have Thanksgiving in the UK but it sure sounds exciting!!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I love the amusing cat food pie story.

Kelsey Claire said...

I am pretty sure I was cringing in embarrassment the entire time! Love it and am so glad it was NOT me!

Busy Bee Suz said...

This is so funny...reminds me of "Meet The Parents!"
Have a great holiday with your family.

Kelli said...

I hate how safe sex leads to embarrassment. I mean, if they didn't 'wrap it up,' it could have saved them mortification but could have caused a whole host of other problems.
My [now husband] and I set off the alarm at Walmart purchasing condoms and the little old lady had to dig through the bag, pull them out, wave them over her head 'to make sure that's was the culprit.' and then write the incident down. By the end, I was ready to let her keep them!

Too Many Hats said...

LMAO - one of those stories would make for a memorable Tday, but all three - wow.

Coco said...

No way! Hilarious.

Liz said...

THis would NOT have been funny at my house growing up. Cuban household. Very overprotective father. The boyfriend would not have even been there for the night...! What a story!!

Nonflammable said...

!So funny!

Hope you have a very nice Thanksgiving with your family.

Intense Guy said...

Makes notes: Flush condoms - don't flush tampons. Life is complicated.

Oh my. Cat food pie. LMAO!

Reminds me of the time I went camping - the Scout Master asked me what I brought, meaning food, and I thought he meant gear, and answered "stakes".

That evening we went hungry.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

For Realz...that is insane!!! ;) Remind me to be thankful that is NOT my family this holiday!!! LOL

MG said...

This is hysterical! What a Thanksgiving!

Milltini said...

Hahaha...poor Rob, indeed! That is a very funny story! Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Badass Geek said...

That is epic.

Dining Diva said...

That story is too funny! I'm traveling with my boyfriend's family for Thanksgiving to his mother's family a few hours away. I will be praying to GOD that I don't have a "Poor Danica" holiday!

Gregorio Martino said...

Yes poor Rob. But what great stories to tell. Happy Thanksgiving.

Michael Rivers said...

Wonderful story!! We can always count on the holidays to provide more! Happy Thanksgiving.

Ms Bibi said...

What a great Thanksgiving story...poor Rob. I am sure they will never forget that Thanksgiving.

The Peach Tart said...

I love the story and I'm sure Rob has probably told his rendition of it at some point as well.

Happy Thanksgiving with your family. Biggest of hugs.

ShellSpann said...

HAHAHA!! Poor Rob!

Eva Gallant said...

What a story! lol

Chief said...

Dear Lord, I am so glad I read this as now when I am listening to the bickering and bawling tomorrow around the table of 30 long lost relatives, I will know it totally could be worse.

Having bee too busy to read the other comments, I hope someone thought to say that at least he was practicing safe sex.

Heather said...

I still can't get past the fact that Rob brought rubbers in the first place!

Cat food pie, oh my!

Kato said...

That has got to be incredibly mortifying. Oh dear!

Hilarious though!!

lorenabr said...

Very funny story :)))))))))) Hilarious

Baloney said...

Ooooh - I can not top that. I would have gone home after the original rubber announcement!

Mommy Lisa said...

I seriously would have vomited from the horror. ;)

Cee said...

Poor Rob...and KK...and the dad who ate some of the cat food pie. But what a good story!

obladi oblada said...

That is classic. She should write a movie script around that holiday...hilarious.

i am playing outside said...

how do you and your friends have such ridiculous happenings? i can't get enough of you people!

Emily said...

Yikes. You know, I just think that it's a good rule of thumb to avoid doing the deed in your parents house (pre-marriage, obv.)

Leah said...

Poor Rob... this story is so hilarious and you told it so well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vodka Logic said...

OMG how hysterical. Was wondering what happened to Rob, I am glad you mentioned it.

My friend got caught with a guy in the guest room amongst the guests coats..

Secretia said...

Jen, you made me smile again!

Thanks, Secretia

Barbaloot said...

I'm officially never inviting any boy friends to family events now.

Rebecca Knight said...

I can't even imagine.... are Rob and KK still in therapy?

LOL. Great story!

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I love your stories! You should publish them, seriously.

Happy Thanksgiving, my lovely American friend!

Dumblond said...

That was fan-frickin-tastic!

Matty said...

If I were dad and saw "THAT", KK and Rob would have had a little chat with dad. And it wouldn't have been pretty.

But, the cat food pie story is great. I hope her feeling weren't hurt.

Enjoy the holidays.

CRY said...

HA!
LOVED IT
ROB NEEDED A TON OF COCKTAILS AFTER THAT VISIT
LOVED IT
HAVE A GREAT TURKEY DAY!

Erin said...

Like others mentioned, I've had a similar story, but involving tampons. What is it with DOGS?! UGH!!

And my mom always taught me not to flush tampons b/c they're bad for the plumbing, etc...so I've also never flushed a condom.

??

Poor KK. I can't begin to imagine!

Tammy Howard said...

Poor Rob!

I slept in the basement when I visited my college boyfriend's family. It - wasn't much of a deterrent...

Living on the Spit said...

Damn...I really don't think anything has ever mde me laugh so friggin much.

Hope you have a great holiday. I need to talk to you about possession law sometime very soon. email me at marchar1321@hotmail.com

secret agent woman said...

But good for Rob for planning to use protection. I sure hope my sosns do the same when it's time.

Whimsical Creations said...

LMAO! That story was hilarious!

Poindexter said...

oh my goodness, this is so classic! Perfect family lore for the holidays. I'm curious, who tells the story the best, KK, dad or little brother?
-Diane

Jen said...

Poor KK :) Did the little sister ever bake anything ever again?

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

MMM ... Iams pie!

I have a holiday "Rob" story that involves a plunger, but I may wait til Xmas to share. Tis the season.

Thanks for the laugh (always) and enjoy your pie and turkey.

Pop and Ice said...

Cat food punkin pie! Just goes to show how closely you need to supervise kids in the kitchen. This is the second blog I've read that has totally turned me off Pumpkin Pie this year - what is it with you people?! :)

Alexis AKA MOM said...

OMGosh I'm blushing and running for the door like him. Not sure I would have even stopped for my clothing!

double crap! I thought only in my world do things like that happen. Well he learned a few valuable lessons for life!

Simply Mel said...

Two thumbs up for Rob thinking ahead and coming fully armed and 'loaded'!

Ju said...

What a funny post, hilarious indeed.
We don't celebrate it here in the UK but I wish you all
a very merry Thanksgiving.

Luna said...

what a good story.

Aunt Becky said...

*mental note: flush rubbers*

Don't I Know You? said...

hmm. Flat Stanley's daughter occasionally checks the blog, so I'll just say it here:

You got a horny adult offspring and current mate in the house, you got sex no matter where you put 'em.

And NO, FS is NOT going to talk about the time she and her current lover busted the couch while visiting FS's mother.

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AnnQ said...

LOL! Awesome....gotta love cat food pie. :-)

Scrappy Girl said...

Have a very fabulous Turkey Day!

Kristin said...

Gagged a little at the cat food pie. Ah ha. Poor Rob. Ahhhhhhh, teenage embarrassment. It never gets old.

LadyFi said...

This is a deliciously (excluding the cat pie, of course) hilarious story!

Have a wonderful holiday!

Amanda said...

Maybe a weekend that's not quite so lively!
Have a delicious thanksgiving JennyMac. Stay away from the cat food pie!

Postman said...

That was something like three tremendously funny vignettes in one. Either way it's the Thanksgiving horror story of a lifetime. Thanks for posting. And excellent choice of title.

Raoulysgirl said...

HA! I'll bet poor Rob would have eaten the whole cat food pie if he could have turned back time a wee bit!!!

Great story!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Corrie Howe said...

Poor Rob, not only to live through this that weekend, but now at least 79 more people having read and commented on it again, years later.

carma said...

Oh.No.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Wow. Once again, proof that there is no stopping a randy college boy...
Too funny!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Oh God that's funny! Forget Rob! Poor KK!

That is a lesson I've also learned the hard way. Damn dogs.

jules said...

Oh dear. What a disaster! I am embarrassed for them now!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

OMG! "Poor Rob" is going to be a catchphrase from now on AFTER I show husb this post. This is better than any movie script. You should shop the story to Hollywood. Seriously.