Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Indoor facilities are always my preference

I think it safe to say that all of us have been called by nature at least once when there was no indoor plumbing in sight. When we were in high school, this didn’t seem to phase us as much as it should on Friday or Saturday nights when six girls were driving around in someone's vintage Mustang drinking 4 packs of Bartles and James. However, all it takes is a mishap to make going to the bathroom outdoors like bears rather unsavory.

The first time I made my friend pull over on a highway because I was going to wet my pants, I thought how difficult could it be to quickly go potty outside and scamper back to the car? First, mind the headlights of oncoming cars less you think you will delicately just go to the back of the car. So you need to get off on the side of the road. Watch your balance because guess what? Peeing all over your shoe is highly repugnant. Only worsened when you have to remain in said shoe for an unknown length of time and worse yet when all your friends find out.

So I learned my lesson. Nothing like a wet K-Swiss to make me learn to hold it better. But one night our friend LL, she the witness to my tussel with Jose Cuervo, needed us to pull over. On the side of a fairly busy road. I remind her of the headlights which she responds with a “no __________ kidding!” She climbs down a small embankment so not only can passing vehicles not see her, neither can we. After an inordinate amount of time, we wonder where she is. No urban legends of murderers in our woods, we are more concerned she tripped and fell.
Piling out of the car, because young girls do all things in packs like wolves, we peer over the decline but don’t see her. Calling her name she shouts at us, “GET DOWN HERE AND HELP ME.” Turns out, she went southward of a old rotten log and held onto it for balance. This log, not being stable at all, and having no heavy weight to act as an anchor begins to roll over her feet.

In effort not to plant her arse in the ground, she pushed the log, only to slip, and have the log roll right over her. While it certainly wasn’t heavy enough to hurt her, it was long enough she couldn’t move it by herself. Planted ass down in wet earth with her pants around her ankles by a log. With numerous witnesses, each of said witnesses with a great memory and interest in sharing this story.

I think she would have preferred to pee on her shoes.

70 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

Reminds me of a youth group trip many years ago. We were in a minibus and for some reason the youth group leader was in a rush to get us home. One of the kids was desperate but the leader wanted to keep driving. In desperation the kid tried to wee in an empty Dr Pepper bottle. It sprayed everywhere.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LOL! Too bad you didn't have a camera!

Erin said...

Now THAT'S a story! Poor thing! I bet she's glad you didn't take pics. lol.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Uh- Not that you need to know this but since all things Pee are being spoken..I once pee'd in the FRONT seat of my now hubs car. We were totally in the Ghetto and it seemed like a better option that getting out and being shot...Nuff said..;)

Cee said...

That's a great story...bet she is also glad it wasn't a heavier log. Kinda awkward to have to call the fire department or something and explain that one!

Slamdunk said...

Reading stories like this one, makes me thankful to be a guy: masters of the "go anywhere and not touch anything" urination stop.

ellen abbott said...

When the very first space shuttle was built and before it's first flight, it was brought to Ellington Air Force Base which is between Houston and Galveston. They opened the base to the public one day so we the people could come and see the shuttle mounted piggy back on the jet they used to carry it around. So we thought we would go and see, Husband and I. What we didn't anticipate was that the entire city was also going to go and see. The traffic was bumper to bumper, interminable, creeping along at a snail's pace and I, I had to pee. I held it as long as I could, oh so painful and I knew that it would be still a good long time before I got to even stand in line at the porta potties. No stopping by the side of the road, nowhere to exit to, I found an empty container, some sort of bottle or can, I can't remember now, and managed to relieve myself in it in the car without making a mess, surrounded by humanity. What a relief, so intense it was almost like an orgasm. I try to avoid giant crowds like that now.

Corrie Howe said...

I have lots of reasons why I prefer indoor facilities. Now I'll have to add this one to my list. Thanks for implanting this image forever in my mind's eye.

ShellSpann said...

My friends and I became professionals in college at peeing outside. Not something I'm super proud of, but at least I know if I ever have to do it again, I won't pee on my shoes :) LOL

Tami G said...

OUCH - now THAT sux!!!
I have had some outdoor pee experiences, but none of them involved logs....DID someone have a camera?!?!
cause that would have been me, the camera whore, snapping pics! LMAO!
bless her heart!

Tami G

confused homemaker said...

Oh that's so funny but so embarrassing. It does take a feat of great skill to balance normally for me, put my in a situation like that and I'd be blog fodder too.

Joshua said...

I suddenly find myself thinking back on all the antics we used to have back in high school. No peeing on shoes involved, but we did abandon people at the houses we were TP-ing.

Good times.

-Joshua

Too Many Hats said...

LMAO - that is hilarious. I'm sure she is reminded of said incident whenever any of you get together.

Vodka Logic said...

Had a chuckle on your friends behalf..

Had to pull over on the way to a ski lodge in Vermont and the snow banks wer huge. Husband just wiped it out an peed. I had to pull the pants etc to the side and stand and pee.. the pee melted a column towards my shoe, which was imbedded in snow.

eek

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

very very funny.

I was thinking about that the other day when hubby suggested we live in a tent to save money.

Ms Bibi said...

Thanks for the morning laugh. I will have that image in my head for a good part of my day.

MindyMom said...

That is hilarious! I'm sure your friend will love you forever for re-telling for our amusement.

Heather said...

priceless!

Summer said...

Oh my gosh! I am crying I'm laughing so hard right now! GREAT story!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Barbaloot said...

Oh-your poor friend! I don't know waht would be worse: being smashed, or having to ask for help!

Michael Rivers said...

It's never easy when that moment strikes. In the summer we walk/hike a lot of trails here in Minneapolis. It's a bit easier for a guy to take care of that. But I'm always afraid I'll get arrested for indecent exposure!

Deanne said...

Oh JennyMac - you always have a way of reminding me of some of my forgotten teenage events!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, I'm sure that was so NOT fun for her, but a riot for the rest of you!

Secretia said...

Most adult women Still don't know how to do it successfully.

af1blog said...

You see? So many of us immediately thought "Did you have a camera?" We're all voyeurs at heart - lol

Coco said...

Classic. AND very similar to stories from 90-93 from Fort Worth, TX.

We found that the cemetary is a very quiet and dark place to stop to tinkle. Drinking Strawberry Hill makes you have to go a lot!!

Kristina P. said...

Too funny! I have enough peeing in the wilderness stories to last a lifetime!

CRY said...

poor girl
too funny

HalfAsstic.com said...

Bwahahaha! I am also quite sure this little event is one you and your other friends will never let her forget! Heh Good for you!

foxy said...

Shut up! That is such a funny story! Oh man, to have been there...

i am playing outside said...

this is fantastically embarrassing. please take this friend drinking and then to the middle of no where more often. but not in a creepy way like that just sounded.

Rebecca Knight said...

One word: classy! ;)

Pricilla said...

Ah, friends...the holders of all that we most want forgotten only to bring those memories back at the worst possible times.

Yes, friends.

Dan. said...

Great story there mate. Are you still friends with this person, and more importantly, does she know her tale is up here?

Lisa and Laura said...

This is a cautionary tale for sure. I'm bookmarking this to share with my daughter when she's 16.

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

So funny! And so not something I would ever let one of my friends forget.

Liz said...

Frickin' hilarious. I'll remember that next time I pee on my shoe.

JenJen said...

Have Mercy! I think I'm going to post my own peeing story in the future.
I repressed, er forgot mine.

Thanks a heap.

Oh
And I totally dug my K-Swiss...

Holly said...

It's hard being a chick sometimes. I remember a time when I was road-tripping it to a concert with some friends, and I had been chugging beers in the backseat the whole time. When it occurred to me that I was about to burst, I asked my friend to pull over because there were no facilities for at least 30 miles and I knew I couldn't wait that long. So I squat next to the car, which is pulled over on the side of a busy highway, and try to use the car to shield my naked ass from oncoming traffic. I made my friends promise not to peek, and of course they did. But that's not the worst part. They DROVE OFF, leaving me there with an unstoppable flow of pee and my neon-white butt cheeks shining in the headlights. They came back for me, but the experience as a whole was so. not. cool.

Emily said...

I'm guessing this was before the day of camera phones! :) ROTF!

Menopausal New Mom said...

Now that's a story to tell! yes, I think I would have preferred peeing in my shoes too!

Christina said...

Thanks for the 'walk down memory lane'- 2 or 3 college friends with myself 'peed' in a very dark alley of Washington,D.C.! It's been 43 yrs since that eventful night - we had been partying I think at a nearby college campus! Needless to say it was my first & last attempt at peeing outside in the elements!

Matthew said...

I remember being on a coach and holding on for the best part of two hours. When I finally staggered off the bus and into some bushes, it was a sensation bordering on the divine.

Midtown Girl said...

Yup, this is why I have a hard time playing a full 18 hole round of golf...guys can go wherever, but I have to wait until it is over to go to the bathroom - not fair!!

XOXO
Amy

LucyCooper said...

I actually peed on my own jeans once...bad, bad, bad. I blame the peach schnapps. Everything about what I just typed is repugnant.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, the good old days of peeing outside. That is part of my youth, I am so happy to let go of!!!

Jen said...

you have the best stories. LOL!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Oh the poor girl.

Tracey said...

How scary for your friend! I haven't had a Bartles and James in like 30 years. Just the thought makes me want to pee.

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, JennyMac!

Hugs!!
Green-Eyed Momster

♥ Braja said...

I live in India. Need I say more?

Kato said...

Hahaha!!! This reminds me of a drunken incident that involved me pulling down my pants, a stick impaling my bum when I sat down, and then tripping down the hill and spraining my ankle.

Oh to be young again! Great story :)

Matty said...

As long ago as it was, you still recall all of the details so vividly.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh that is classic! That's one to tell the grandkids. I would have died! DIED! But when it happens to someone else it's funny as hell!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Being the only female, amongst about 10 guys, on a 4-wheeling trip to the desert and having to pee without wanting to tell anyone (especially my brothers) isn't a whole lot of fun either.

I'd rather have been trapped by that log.

jules said...

Those embankments can be tricky! I slipped in some snow after a night out drinking and my bum was painfully cold! It felt frostbit for a week!

Jules said...

So now you understand my thankfulness for indoor plumbing!!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Umm, yeah. Ruined shoes over that ordeal any day. Poor dear!

Tammy Howard said...

I bet she's just glad it happened then and not now when a quick snap from someone's phone could have had her plight all over the internet in seconds...

Cindi said...

Love Love Love IT!! I am so totally reminded of my own High School girl pack adventures!

As always, Thanks for Sharing!
Cindi

Raoulysgirl said...

Ew, ew, EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!

I would totally NOT let her forget it...EVER!!!

Too bad there was no camera!!!

Nonflammable said...

I hope she will reminisce when reading this post.

I recall heading down to the lake caravan style when one of the 3 drivers had to take a whiz on an infrequently traveled road. I'll be damned if a cop didn't appear out of nowhere and arrest him for indecent exposure. It was a hefty fine and 3 hours later, before the partying could begin. I think he also had to do several weekends of 'community service'.

Be careful where you pee.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

While I have peed on my shoes (and my pants), I never have been knocked down with my panties around my ankles. By a log.

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh gosh and now it's made it into blog history, way to go girl. This was so funny, though not for her of course.
xoxo

Pop and Ice said...

I peed on my shoes and God know what else, on the side of the freeway, on my way to an Ultrasound appointment. Guess I drank too much. Stopped at home to change, went to the appointment where I STILL had too much fluid in my bladder. WTF?!! I hope I'm not the only expectant mother that this ever happened to!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

A thoughtful holidat gift idea ...

http://www.go-girl.com/?gclid=COvLhrDBpZ4CFYJx5Qod8CZUog

I had to google this to make sure it is a real thing; it is!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

There's nothing wrong with telling that story...to everyone you know!

Gregorio Martino said...

I remember one time that I had to prop my girlfriend up so she could go outside. Afterward she insisted on helping me go, LOL I couldn't with her holding it.

The Peach Tart said...

I have way too many embarrassing peeing outside stories. Way too many.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

OMGosh I so remember days like that! yup days back in the days when my young self and others thought it would be fun to party at the river each weekend! What the heck were we thinking? Let's just say thank God it was dark or you might have seen some unpleasant explaining of wet spots on jeans!

I bet your girlfriend loved that she is now famous with this story :)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

If I could turn back time, I really would like to go cruising with you and your girlfriends... Again, this is better than a movie!