Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Act your age, not your bra size

I remember as a young teen, showing off in front of my older brother and his pals only to have one of them say to me, “Act your age, not your bra size.” I thought, “Oh, you’re dumb. Everyone knows training is not an age!” When we were in high school, we would tell boys, “Act your age, not your shoe size.” And when we became older, we were plied with new mantras like “age is relative” and “age is only a number.”

Can these two philosophies co-exist? Let’s test them by applying them to a night out on the town.

My BFF flew into Atlanta for a weekend of fun. I purchased tickets to an Improv Comedy Club and we thought perhaps we would go out afterward for a cocktail. Or two. 

Acting our age: All dolled up and at the theater awaiting the start of the show, we have a cocktail and chat.

But, finishing those cocktails and being talked into buying a BUCKET of beers? Oh, yes, I know, the bucket was full of ice and we merely wanted to keep our beverages cold. Right.  AND we didn’t want the pesky chore of going back and forth to the bar during the show. RIGHT. Nothing says “Classy lassy” more than two grown women carrying a bucket of beers. I think there is a sliding scale for when age is relative. Sliding scale says: Beer in a bucket? Shave a decade off, ladies. Starting this night out nicely. 

Acting our age: We loved the show and laughed hysterically. The couple next to us, all dewy and in love, were also laughing hysterically. 

But, then the man next to us got BOMBED. And everytime they would kiss, which was about every 10 seconds, he would moan. So it sounded like: MMMMM, nom nom nom, MMMMM kiss, kiss, mmmmmmm, no I love you the most, mmmmm, NO I LOVE YOU THE MOST, mmmm, nom nom nom. And we would simultaneously think OH BROTHER and then giggle uncontrollably. Sliding scales says: You are acting like 12 year old girls. 

Acting our age: Take a brisk walk from the theater to a very cool bar a few blocks away. Arriving at that bar and consuming beverages while listening to the band.

But, en route to that bar, passing an old haunt that has a new Black Eyed Peas song blaring out the front door and it was so enticing we had to saunter in and go to town like it was the Spotlight Dance at the Copacabana. Sliding scale says: Oh, you really liked your late 20s. 

Acting our age: Arriving at a third bar. Grabbing a drink and parking it near the DJ.

But, after awhile when the DJ asks what we want to listen to and I shout over the music “Something I can shake my ass to…” Sliding scale says: WOW, you really like reliving your 21st birthday, don’t you? 

Acting our age: Running into the younger brother of one of my friends and when he offers us shots, we wisely and politely decline.

But, when he asks again, we don't even hesitate and think Oh, WHY NOT? And put them down quicker than a house fire. What kind of shots? Red Headed Sluts. Sliding scale says: Congratulations, now you are 21 year old boys.

And the next morning? When your toddler brays in your ear like a donkey in a microphone and your response is mew mew mew, Daddy just told me he would love to help you with that, mew mew mew, I'm so sleepy, mew mew mew alcohol hurt my feelings...well done, now you are acting your shoe size.

So yes, apparently acting your age and age is relative can co-exist. At least after several cocktails, it seems like a very good theory.

86 comments:

Jules said...

Red headed sluts......harsh. Ah, how I loved college....not the Christian one, mind you, but the state one I transferred to AFTER the Christian one....

Laura Trevey said...

I wish my age was still my bra size!!! Too funny ~~

xoxo Laura

Simone said...

Brilliantly funny JennyMac, this made me laugh so hard!!

Love the ""mmmmm nom nom nom"....and "Spotlight Dance at the Copacabana"....very funny!

Can I share with you that at 2am last Saturday I discovered my inner Britney and sang - word perfect apparently - "Hit Me Baby One More Time" for my husband and all my friends at a friend's party, backing band an' all. I was not the only performer but my husband's face was quite the picture :) Don't know where it came from...fun at the time but on Sunday I was good-for-nothing :)

Thank you so much for my birthday comment - that was the nicest thing to say, I am keeping that one in my mind xo

Brian Miller said...

teehee...i have a faint recollection of next day head aches that make me not want that scale to slide back to 19 or 20...lol.

My name is PJ. said...

Hilarious!

How do you hold all that alcohol? You're tall, but you're slim.....

I'm a big, tall woman and 2 beers make me tipsy.

SmartBear said...

Oh girl...sounds perfect to me! THanks for the first morning laugh. Last weekend was girl's night out and I was "forced" to do Dragon Whore shots. So nice to feel like 21 again...as long as you have a hotel room to stay in!
Best,
Tina

Joann Mannix said...

It's all fine and good until someone gets hurt, as my mother used to say. I hate those mornings after I was certain I was 25 again!

I might have one recently that involved several different kinds of alcohol and my first strip club visit, (believe it or not, accidentally) somewhere in the night. But, that's a story for another day, perhaps a post if I'm brave enough.

Sounds like good times.

Leiah said...

You are my party-like-a-rock-star-hero Miss Jenny Mac! I went through the Frosty Factory (gotta love Louisiana) Saturday p.m. on my way home from That Man's house and had a large frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Sunday I woke up at 8:30 to promptly head straight to the sofa where I then slept off and on until 2:30. I was just worn out from the work week, right?

Will Burke said...

It's never too late to have a happy childhood, eh? I'll stick to beer, so in the morning, my mouth tastes like a battery!

the walking man said...

Trust me if you are acting your age relative to your actions then maybe a bit of intellectual pursuits is what is called for. Then you could act like an old poop. Then though there would be nothing interesting for us old poops who have outgrown our shoe size to read.

mo.stoneskin said...

I think I may have to go bray in someone's ear now. It is a fabulous idea.

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

Being - shall we say "well endowed"? - means I still have a year to go before I reach my bra size...age (???) - yay me! ;)

I feel your pain, and still find it hilarious!

jules said...

HA! You totally made me smile this morning. I loved your true attempt in trying to turn down those shots from the bro. And red headed sluts at that! Those shots are the devil and left me hurting a morning or two in my life.

Sounds like and AWESOME like, Classy Lassy!

AmyLK said...

Sounds like you had a fun time with BFF. Who says you have to act your age or shoe size anyway?

Mighty M said...

The only advantage I have going for me is that I don't like beer so a bucket of beer would never find it's way to my table, unless my husband was holding it.

Now a bucket of margarita's or cosmo's on the other hand.... :)

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I think it is ok to act like your 21 year self. The next day taking care of the kids sucks though. You don't quite rebound like you used to.

f8hasit said...

Love the sliding scale...hysterically funny!

The other night when out with the gals I noticed that I was downing my drink about 2 to my friends 1. And as I sauntered back to the bar to retrieve another I thought, "Don't be that girl." You know, the one who is out with the gals, drinks a little too much and flirts with the bartender? Yeah that one. Ugh.

Sounds like a grand time until the braying!
:-)

Johana Hill said...

You sound like fun! Your theory is so right. After all, the important thing is you're having fun! ;p

Intense Guy said...

So like, you were what? 87 years old the following morning?

Probably a good thing I gave up drinking, I'd be about 163 years old the next morning.

Tiffany said...

Sounds fun to me!

Mommy Lisa said...

Ha! Going to Orlando this weekend to just the same!!! Except with Karaoke!~

;)

BigSis said...

You are hard core! I am so impressed.

Dual Mom said...

Brilliant! I'm hoping to "act my age" this weekend with a bunch of girlfriends too!

*uncorked said...

I love this! Just in my late 20s now, but I so miss my 21-24 year old tolerance. And the fact that I didn't really get hangovers before - you'd think you'd get BETTER at drinking and not being hungover as you age, not worse. It all makes me very sad. Though your bucket of beers section reminded me of a straw and pitcher situation I found myself in last weekend. Oy.

McVal said...

Shoot - I just passed up my bra size a few years ago... Is it ok to keep acting like THAT age?
mew mew mew - lol!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Ewwww, I would have barfed at the PDA couple. "Boys-are-yucky"-style.

Writing Without Periods! said...

Jenny, you weren't hung over, you had the vodka (or gin or beer or champagne) flu. I've used that for work, too. Children understand this.
Mary

Amy said...

Really good post!!

Made me want to go out on the town and (not) act my age.

Slamdunk said...

Funny adventure JM. I am sure I was told the thing about acting my age not my shoe size recently.

Eva Gallant said...

Seeing my bra size on the horizon for the second time, I decided to stay clear of bars! lol

A Year on the Grill said...

all true, all too often... but someone with experience has to show those whippersnappers how to down a shot properly... if not us, who will pass our well earned skill sets down?

TKW said...

And now I must know! What is in a Red-Headed Slut?

Jen said...

Love this post, JennyMac! LOL... age is relative depending on where you are, who you're with and what you are drinking!

Bossy Betty said...

What if my age and bra size are the same? Oh, waiting a minute. I guess I would need a crane around my neck if that were the case....

Capricorn Soap Company said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!!

Love love love the cocktails!

-C

http://www.capricornsoapco.blogspot.com

Stephanie Faris said...

In my opinion, acting your age is highly overrated. I say have FUN! Life's too short to care what other people think anyway. Sounds like you're having a good time...and the older you get, the harder it is to resist becoming boring, I think!

Jenn said...

Heehee!! I'm still younger than my bra size, so I have an excuse for acting like that once in awhile!!! :)

K A B L O O E Y said...

Party, on, Jennie Mac. That night would have killed me. And now I actually have to Google Redheaded Whores, which may challenge my kid-protection settings. (It had better... ) And as for the bra size/age graph, both lines have a positive slope, but the age is steeper and the intersection was like a decade ago. (Hi, geeks. I'm your peep.)

Mo said...

Don't know how to act my age. Where is the rule book? Great post.

Uptown Girl said...

I plan on doing spotlight dances every weekend until forever. I just can't imagine the toddler waking me up in the morning part. That sounds ROUGH!

foolish heart said...

I'm still younger than my bra size too! ...and sometimes it's just too much fun to not act your age ...until, of course, the morning after...Keep on having fun...Great post!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I've been out lowering my relative age more times than I'd like to admit lately. A big difference is that we end up taking a cab home now. Smart!! Until last weekend, when cabs were scarce and we thought hitchhiking would be fun at 3am. Not smart. Luckily we got picked up by two twenty something gangstah chicks that couldn't believe two "crackers" were thumbing for a ride. We had them drop us off a few blocks from home and celebrated our stupidity.

M-Cat said...

Classy lassy - love it!

What is sad, is I am starting to look wicked old, but don't feel any older than the day I got married - which is 18.

Such a pathetic mess

Erin I'm Gonna Kill him said...

I miss not acting my age in that regard! Now I constantly act younger than I am, but in an eating mac n' cheese and coloring outside the lines kind of way. Not as fun! And it's my toddler, not alcohol, who hurts my feelings. That leaves a worse hangover, I'd say...

The Random Blogette said...

Oh that sounds like so much fun. I miss bar hopping with friends. You are never too old to do that!

Helena Halme said...

This seems too familiar - very funny! My mother used to ask me when full of regret after a late night, 'Did anyone die? No? Everything's fine then.'xx

Marcy said...

Oh, what a night! Love the reminiscent post, JennyMac. I was so embarrassed when i had to go back to bed and actually threw up. It had been years since that last happened. Last summer for you--pre-Jimmy Fallon. :) Why do we do this to ourselves???

Love ya!

Midday Escapades said...

I have a hard time acting my age and my wage. LOL.

shortmama said...

Its all fun and games until you drink a red headed slut

Kristy said...

Honestly, I used to be a pretty good party-er before motherhood, but ever since I've been too scared of the hangover! Toddler plus hangover scares the shit out of me! :) How did you do it?!

Legallyblondemel said...

Hey, so sorry I haven't been by here in a while!

I only wish I could have partaken in this night. Well played, particularly the demure denial of the initial shot offer followed by the red headed you-know-whats.

And - I've not heard that age/bra size maxim before, but given that my actual age is now exactly my bra size, by the powers of Greyskull (or pregnancy hormones, whatever works) I figure I can do whatever the Hell I desire for the next 8 months. Thanks for the tip!

Denise said...

Braying like a donkey in my ear. Exactly. I hazily remember one laaaaaate night out with old friends (I think it ended 4 hours before my youngest woke up). Ouch. But so fun to relive the stories. Thanks for a great laugh.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Oh this sounds so familiar!
<><

Jessica said...

I had a similar night a few weeks ago only add a midget and buttery nipples.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Oh that was funny! A bucket of Beer!

I hope I always act my age. My Bra Size is a 32A!!!!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Oh that was funny! A bucket of Beer!

I hope I always act my age. My Bra Size is a 32A!!!!

carma said...

I has something all composed in my mind but then I saw "buttery nipples"

Whimsical Creations said...

LMAO!

JenJen said...

hahah Well done.

citymouse said...

So... My husband is now a regular reader of your blog. He is sitting across the room from me howling with laughter and saying "this sounds just like you and your sister". Since I haven't read this post yet, I quickly pull it up and now I am not sure whether to join his laughter or be miffed! (The truth is, it does sound just like me and my sister... and I can certainly down some red headed sluts when the mood strikes. I think I lost a brand new leather coat one night after doing just that.)

Vivienne said...

Oh my, I have so been there at 21. And 17. And 42. And 36. And 28. And... Wait. I need to stop doing this. (You think I would've learned my lesson(s) after my own toddler(s) have brayed in my hurty eardrums too. But no.)

Mr. Charleston said...

LOL JennyMac. Good one.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

You had me at, "Nothing says classy lassy than two grown women carrying a bucket of beers." I so totally love you.

Jaime said...

my boss is obsessed with red headed sluts... i think he just likes ordering them. any excuse to say the word slut... or something like that

Kat said...

oh man we need to hang out!=D

Herding Cats said...

Haha...I think everyone needs to regress sometimes. You could blame your son? I blame my middle schoolers when I suddenly develop awful middle school habits and traits! ;)

Postman said...

Hey, red-headed sluts are fun no matter how old y'are. Or how old you think you might be.

Ms. Wanda said...

LMBO!!! Hey there Ms. Mac, well now I know that it's gonna be OK for me to regress and have some much needed fun:) I'm headed to NY in July and have plans with my girlfriend to hit some clubs and leave the kiddies with their Aunt. I'm gonna let that scale slide all over the place!!! Love this post:)

Ms. Wanda said...

I'm headed to NY in July and I can't wait to let that scale slide:)

Love this post Ms. Mac!!!

Live.Love.Eat said...

Oy, some of this brings back memories of my own. And I loved the last part about your son braying in your ear like a donkey in a microphone. Nice.

Candice said...

I think the bucket of beer shows your commitment to not having to get out of your seat during the show.

I think... ;)

Pollyanna said...

Been there, done that. We have finally trained the children to move their butts downstairs and do ANYTHING that doesn't involve waking us up. It's awesome!

Aunt Becky said...

I need a blow job now.

SHOT, I mean. A blow job SHOT.

WhisperingWriter said...

Sounds like a fun night.

When I'm with my best friend we rarely act our ages. Everything is funny to us.

blueviolet said...

That post made me feel so damn old.

Amy in Atlanta said...

About a month ago my friends and I were asked to sing along with Guitar Hero as we sat down at a bar (something we NEVER do since we are supposedly 40+ grownups and don't sit at bars...normally we stop at the local QT and drink our wine on the way home). We refused.

Later......20 glasses of wine and numerous shots between us were the QUEENS OF GUITAR HERO!!!! Never mind some guy from my church was watching and laughing.

Baloney said...

I'm too old to keep up with you on the drinks. Wow!
That being said, I leave for trip to Vegas with my BFF tomorrow and chances are we might act more like our shoe size. :)

Kristin said...

Daddy knows he's always on morning duty if we have cocktails. Mama doesn't do so well the next day. HA!

Tropical Mum said...

But how much fun does anyone really have when they act their age?

I fully intend to act half my age when I celebrate my 40th in June with my BFF in Sydney--my old stomping grounds.

Erin said...

So you and Marcia Garcia tore up Hotlanta, did you? Sounds like a BLAST! But I wanna know all these songs you wanted to shake your ass to...I happen to love Black Eyed Peas.

As for my bra size, I'm not quite there yet....LOL!

kathryn said...

Yowsa...so, now you've decided to act your age all the time? 'Cause there's no fun in that, ya know. Trick is to act your age 82% of the time and take the occasional walk on the wild side the other (carry the two, divide by 4) 18%. It's uber-important that we remember how stupid we were when we were young.

HalfAsstic.com said...

That whole "sliding scale" thing has shored up many an argument. Not to mention got many a college student successfully through a semester.
Good job! You shoulda been a lawyer. ;-)

Tiaras said...

aww - and this is why I do not drink!

Working Mommy said...

At least you were able to have some semblance of a good time, though!! That is the point...having a good time...minus having a toddler yelling in your ear the next morning!1

Dustjacket Attic said...

Lets just say that time dims the pain and we are back out there....lots of time mind you as we get older...ouch!
xxx

injaynesworld said...

I like the age I am now: "Old enough to know better."

Sounds like a damn good time though. So glad you lived to tell about it.