Don't give our dog a bone....

Growing up, my family lived at the end of fairly secluded road. By design, my parents bought the land and built the house to have few neighbors. The benefit of this to them was privacy. The drawback for me was no “real” neighborhood. We did have a large turnaround at the end of the road past our house so every so often, a wayward car would end on the wrong destination and traverse by our home.

One Sunday afternoon when I was a youngster, an unknown car drove down our road. Unlike normal occasions, this car didn’t leave. After about thirty minutes, my Father, the constant policeman, decided to investigate. As he exited our front door, one of our smaller dogs ran out. Ironically, the trajectory of this small dog, was in direct route to the car that had begin to move from its parked location. The car ran over our dog. The yelp alerted my Mom, who also ran out of the front door with our two Airedale Terriers in tow.

Upon hitting the dog, the car stopped and the driver got out of the car. As he went to pick up our small dog, Chewie, our older Airedale bit him right in his arse. As he dropped our small dog, his hands flew behind him to protect his wound. At which point, our Airedale bit him again. In the crotch. All of this being witnessed by my parents. As they mentally assessed the potential life-altering damage to the driver’s manly parts; they also realized that not only would our dog be put down for this but the man would likely sue us and win.

So in the middle of the wild racket of barking, attacking, and loud yelping by both dog and man, my Father said he would call 911. All surprise on my parents when the man, holding both front and back parts, declines. My Father stresses to him the potential risk of this type of injury and the need for medical care. They offer to drive him to the hospital. The man again declines. My parents at least get his information, which he was reluctant to share, before he gets back in the car with his wife and drives away.

Days later do my parents discover the reason for the man’s refusal of transportation and/or medical care. He and his wife sought follow up treatment after the incident. His wife: not the same woman in the car with him.

What kind of sign is that when you are parked for a thirty minute interval on a lonely, secluded street with a female companion someone NOT your wife and through a small turn of events, a large Airedale with a scissor bite gives you a chomp in your biscuit AND your ding dong?

I believe it was a warning he took very, very seriously. Karma…she’s always on her toes.

This does not go with the theme

One of the themes of Disney World is "Come and enjoy the Magic". And primarily, it a great place to take little people because you will fully see them observe and embrace the magic. And November is a fantastic time to visit. Weather? Excellent. Lines? Totally manageable. Parking? Praise to the Triple AAA Diamond Lot parking pass you can buy off eBay. Fast Pass? Can you say Hallelujah? I can. And did.

And it is interesting to know that our son, due to age, is as fascinated with a bubble machine as he is with Donald Duck. As a matter of point, he is actually more interested in a bubble machine and not as interested in the characters. Perfect.

However, we did see some highly interesting things in Disney. I will refrain from any further comment on all but two. I mean three since I already shared the tidbit about Grumplestiltskin.

1. As we were in line to enter Epcot one morning, a Mom and Dad were in a terse debate about a family photo. The Mom indicating that Dad needed to fetch the kids so they could have their picture taken. Dad told her the kids didn't want a photograph right then. The Mom insisted. The Dad asked why it was critical at that moment. The Mom in very tense and raised voice, " SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD IN DISNEY." If by fun you mean causes to drink, strike people, or use foul language, perfect.

2. And one afternoon, we strolled through Magic Kingdom we ended up walking shortly behind a darling family of young Mom and young Dad with two beautiful kids. And then I noticed his t-shirt. I have seen some c-r-a-z-y tees before but none have seemed more out of context than this:

This is not the guy but this is the EXACT t-shirt. Why do I not have the exact photo? Because I actually attempted to take a photo of it on my Blackberry but then realized the only thing potentially creepier than this shirt spied in the ever jubilant grounds of DisneyWorld was being the girl stalking the guy wearing the t-shirt to take his photo and then potentially write a blog about it.

In case you can't read warbly tshirt fine print it reads: York Erection Specialist.

I don't think that is the kind of "magic" Walt had in mind.

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Caffeinated

Yesterday began in the normal fashion. Up early, helping MiniMac start his day. As we make his breakfast, I make my tea. I drink scads of herbal tea. All day, always caffeine-free, with a few varieties from The Republic of Tea amongst my usual lineup. And I usually have two giant mugs prior to departing for the office.

After my second cup yesterday morning, things were getting a bit rowdy with MiniMac and me singing rock and roll versions of Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. JohnnyMac would welcome complete silence in the house but we can't be contained.

I am innately a morning person as in I LOVE it. But I felt especially motivated yesterday so after MiniMac and JohnnyMac departed, I opted for an early workout. 41 minutes in, I am totally en fuego. As if suddenly, cardio machines have no ability to bring me down.

Getting home, I turn on satellite radio and an old-school Ying Yang Twins song comes on and I am dancing around like it is audition day for the LA Laker Girls. Want some high-kicks? Here they come.

Appreciative of the new found vigor, I only contemplated said vigor when it never seemed to diminish. Post "Dance-Off" session and making more tea, I happen to look at the new canister purchased days ago from World Market.

When I purchased this new can along with two others, the safety seal was broken. The cashier offered to fetch a new one which I declined. She assured me it was her pleasure. I would assume that someone holding the canister in hand and going to retrieve a second canister would do a quick compare and confirm. At least I would hope, or in the alternative that I would eyeball it myself before buying but alas neither of these scenarios happened.

Why does it matter?
Because this canister I am now holding has 200 mg of caffeine per cup.
Uh oh.

JennyMac on caffeine crack.

I don't do caffeine. Friedrich Runge, one man's hero, but he will never get the street props from me. I have never sipped a luscious latte or a skinny frothy frappucino. Nary a drop of Starbucks or even Folgers has crossed my lips. One of the few people in my family not tapping a vein with the black elixir. I don't drink soda either. Because the last time I had a can of Coke during finals week in law school, it literally kept me up all night. When someone like me, who consumes no caffeine, ever, gets a little taste, its like speed.

Or so I have been told. And not told like "oh a friend told me about speed". I assure you I have never taken speed because I would likely go absolute ape-shiznit. My DNA is all the speed I need.

So I opt to work from home. Mmm hmmm. It was like Kuan-Yin with a thousand arms. And in addition to working on my actual "work" like a pack of 20 mules, I also did about 90 other things. The mere consumption of 600 mg of caffeine acting as the warp speed button. And believe me, my little project is already energized. Caffeinated version = not necessary.

When did the buzz wear off? I am still waiting. With the half-life of caffeine, hopefully it will be any minute.

The economics of kissing

Years and years ago, in my PreJennyMac life, I went out one evening with a medley of friends. During that evening, while socializing at a local nosh spot, I was introduced to the Big LeBaw. Big LeBaw was piece of work in that he was the constant salesman and oh so very confident in his skills. At one point in the night, he looks at me and initiates this conversation:

Him: So, what do you think ?
Me: Of what?
Him: The Kid?
Me: What kid?
In which he responds by pointing both of his thumbs toward himself and says: This kid.
Me: I don't.
Him: You don't what?
Me: I don't think of the kid.
Our mutual friends to BigLeBaw: HAHAHAHAHA...YOUR A _______ DUMBARSE.

Later, we all had a conversation about FatBoySlim, the DJ who was coming to concert the following month. People expressed their interest in going, including me.

BigLeBaw has had many, many, many sips of scotch. He says slurs: I will take you to the concert if you make out with me.

Me: HAHAHAHA.

Him: AND I will buy your drinks all night (which sounded more like anniwullbuyyerdrinkzshallnight)

Great. So the current market value of my kisses was basically a $36.00 concert ticket and several MillerLites at the non-liquor-serving-Concert Hall. Beats the 25 cent kissing booth but I passed on such a golden opportunity.

Maybe my kisses are worth more. Maybe less. But I wasn't about to determine the actual exchange rate over scotch breath in my face.

And since there was a crowd of witnesses, he was hazed mercilessly for this little anecdote. PS: I ended up running into him at the concert after all and he told me "You don't know what you're missing."

Oh, I believe I do.




PS Sidenote: Blogger is only displaying certain comments even though I published them. Hopefully it will shape up fix itself soon.

31 days of goodness

I spend at least a few minutes of every day being thankful. When 1 in 8 people in the world do not have access to clean or safe drinking water, that I sit and clack away on my laptop is not lost on me.

Our family adopted a family this year for the holidays. A family in which the children are asking for bare necessities as gifts instead the usual barrage one might expect; it is as telling as it is affecting. But it is a reminder that hard luck can hit any family, and that kindness and generosity can be easily shared. It is not the amount that is given, it is the act of giving itself. So many people donate, contribute, and volunteer to causes throughout the year; I think it is outstanding to see human kindness in action.

And now with the turn of December, there are an abundance of opportunities for every person to contribute. It’s the 31 days of goodness, and easy exercises (and many of them free) to put a smile on someone else’s face as well as your own. And to lean over that blade of grass and whisper: grow, grow.

FREE GOODNESS:

1. Get involved. A super easy website: http://www.dosomething.org can help you find service projects in your zip code. They also encourage you to engage your teenage family members to get involved in philanthropy. Their aim is to inspire the next generation of “doers”. You can also find local events/charities/nonprofits to support at www.dogoodchannel.com

2. Mentor/coach/tutor a future John Grisham, Louisa May Alcott, or Stephenie Meyer at http://826national.org/ which is 7 nonprofits working to celebrate and advance creative writing in students age 16-18.

3. Go to your book case and clean it out. Instead of donating to the library, take those books to a local literacy program.

4. You can also join http://www.booksforsoldiers.com for free and send them to troops.

5. Give blood. To find a local blood bank: www.givelife.org

6. Send a holiday card for FREE to a soldier abroad through a Xerox sponsored program www.letssaythanks.com

7. Save all of your magazines from the month and donate them to a local women’s shelter.

8. Call a local retirement community and schedule a visit. You can spend an hour or two calling bingo. We have done it and it is a total hoot. One of the elderly ladies won and yelled “OH SWEET JESUS”. I crack up now thinking about it. (You can also take your sassy OPI or MAC nail polish instead and do some fun manicures. )

9. You can donate baby blankets, stuffed animals, and children’s books to http://projectnightnight.com/ which helps homeless children.

10. Donate your old cell phones to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Go to www.ncadv.org and look under Take Action and then Donate.

11. Donate shoes (you know you have more than you can ever wear!) to www.shareyoursoles.org

12. Mentor an at-risk teen online at http://icouldbe.org

13. Become an online reading mentor and penpal for kids in 3rd – 5th grade at www.in2books.com (They do a background check: Use promo code: SAV2449 so it won't cost you a cent.)

14. Volunteer at a National Park. www.nps.gov

15. Donate your unused airline rewards miles to Salvation Army, Make A Wish, or others.

16. Play www.freerice.com and every correct vocab word you identify, 10 grains of rice are donated to the UN World Food Program

17. You can also go to www.freekibble.com and for every answer, you send 10 pieces of dog food to an animal shelter in need

18. Donate gift cards you won’t use to www.plasticjungle.com

19. If you knit, you can send squares to www.warmupamerica.org. The squares will be knit into afghans and donated to battered women’s shelters.

20. Sign up to volunteer at www.keenusa.org and become a one on one volunteer to teach kids with disabilities about noncompetitive sports.


SMALL DONATION RELATED GOODNESS

21. Every dollar donated to www.roomtoread.org promotes children’s literacy.

22. Donate a minimum of $10.00 to www.pajamaprogram.org which provides jammies and books for kids in orphanages, group homes, and shelters.

23. Buy some gourmet bean dips, salsa mixes, or spice rubs (among other things) from www.womensbeanproject.com which provides jobs and job training to homeless women. And they just celebrated their 20th anniversary.

24. Lend $25.00 to www.kiva.org which takes your loan and helps woman all over the world start businesses. You can choose your cause and the money will be paid back.

25. Give $25 to Puppies Behind Bars: a program teaching inmates how to train puppies to be service animals.

26. Buy beautiful handmade jewelry from http://www.madebysurvivors.com/ which is combating human slavery and trafficking by providing training, job skills, and life skills to women freed from sex slavery.

27. A $35 donation to Sleeping Children Around the World www.scaw.org provides a BedKit that consists of a mat or mattress, pillow, sheet, blanket, mosquito net (if applicable), clothes outfit, towel and school supplies for a needy child.

28. Give a $35 Gift of Hope to women and children rescued from Sex Slavery and Sex Trafficking at www.sharedhope.org.

29. $35 dollar will also feed a needy child for one month with Share Our Strength at www.strength.org

30. Make an online donation to www.doctorswithoutborders.org which provides aid in almost 60 countries to people suffering from abuse, neglect, famine, malnutrition, lack of health care and natural disasters. $35 will provide 35 vaccines.

31. And finally, because there are so many people on this Earth without clean and safe drinking water, you can donate $20 to http://www.charitywater.org/ and give one person drinking water for 20 years.


Have a beautiful December!

Chasing tail

Oh....not exactly the chasing tail you might have in mind.

A staff member from Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife used a dog to assist in the chase and attempted capture of a male cougar. The cougar apparently lived in Seattle for more than two weeks, forcing the city's largest park to close, before it was finally captured and returned to the wild. This is a very rare occurrence in Washington but someone had to lead the capture.

Note to Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife: Did you discuss this in the interview process?

In addition to the every day job duties, what about chasing cougars?
Why, yes!

But I am certain he thought you meant the other kind of vodka- swilling, tight-shirted cougar and NOT the 8 foot long stalk-and-ambush predator. I don't think fatigues, even if woven from a magical thread meant to make your employee invisible, would protect him from a carnivore that loves to eat what it can catch. What can it catch? Anything that runs less than 40 m.p.h. While attacks on humans are rare, they typically occur when the animal feels cornered or their instinct to chase is triggered.

I am sure chasing a cougar on foot with a dog at your side will only give the impression you come to offer a tummy rub. Better watch yourself. And make sure you have life insurance.

PS: Cougars think dogs are delicious too.

Take A Sip Of: Cranberry Ornament

As if you have not had enough cranberry yet? Even so, perhaps you have not quite had cranberry like this. A delicious elixir with just a hint of warm nutmeg…this might entice you to extend your Thanksgiving holiday.

Cranberry Ornament (martini)

Fill martini glasses with ice and water to chill.

Ingredients:

10 oz (1 ¼ c) cranberry juice ( I use light)

2 ½ c vodka

7.5 oz lemon juice

5 oz honey mixed with 1 ¼ c. hot water

5 oz simple syrup*

Cranberries

Nutmeg

Mix the liquid in a pitcher. Pour into chilled martini glasses. Add cranberries and a sprinkle of nutmeg.

Mmmmmmm. Try not to have seven more.

Being thankful

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that
the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy

A little pic from the sandy beach of Cabo. To everyone celebrating Thanksgiving, where ever it finds you, and with old traditions or something that will begin as a tradition today, I hope you have an amazing holiday. There is much to be thankful for...