Monday, January 3, 2011

That's unfortunate

Jules at Mean Girl Garage did a hilarious post a long time ago on reform suggestions for the profanity addict. One of the suggestions is to select new verbiage in lieu of saying WTF or Are you f'ing kidding me which I have already admitted I have said a time or two. Instead of using these phrases, and in the interest of cleaning up your sassy and salty mouth, you should instead opt to say That's interesting. 

That's interesting is one of my favorite responses. And sometimes it actually means "that's interesting" and sometimes it means one (or both) of the other two above. Another one of my favorite expressions is "That's unfortunate." 

While I may not have a Poker Face, I do have some Poker Phrases.

My college (and grad school) boyfriend(s) despised these expressions. You would think they all would have rejoiced in the occasions in which I elected to use as few words as possible. But I think they knew what I was implying. No decoder ring needed.  

That's unfortunate is as descriptive as it is ambiguous. Most often for me, it indicates I am going to need this situation to end. Immediately.   Examples from 2010:


1. When I was using the auto hand dryer in the women's room of a hotel, another woman, standing next to me said, "You aren't doing it right." I didn't respond because I could certainly attest I did not have my dial set to NUTSO and no stranger would be schooling me on how to use a hand dryer. But, I was wrong. And that's unfortunate.

She went on further to step right next to me and show me how I was to rub my hands vigorously while telling me I needed to rub said hands vigorously instead of the apparently super lazy ass method I had chosen. How about you get off my _____ing hipbone and skedaddle along? Busybodies abound. And that's unfortunate.

2. When I was was working from home one day last week, it was a perfect enough morning to actually open windows and have fresh, cool air. It was also a great time to blast my stereo at high decibels. While belting out Erotic City quite loudly, I also opted at one point to do some kind of horrible cabaret-Liza Minelli style version, and I failed to see the landscapers in the yard below. They enjoyed it a great deal. That's unfortunate.

3. I was speaking to my Mom on the phone one day and had to use the restroom. I do not want to be rude and flush so I delay flushing until I am off the phone. I forget. My Hub comes home and discovers my momentary forgetfulness. He teases me and asks if I forgot something in the bathroom. The adults in this house aren't really down with O.P.P (in this case, Other People's Production) so I am not excited about this discovery. I say, " I will talk to our son about that...." to which my Hub bursts out laughing because our son flushes the toilet 500 times if he goes peepee in it once. While not a catastrophe, this is still unfortunate.

4. While at the Doctor's office recently, I had to get blood work done. When poked with the needle, I chose to shout JESUS. The nurse gave me a serious scowl. So I quickly added, "LOVES ME!" She, not amused, asks, "Didn't you have a baby?" I say, "Not out of my arm with a needle!" And then she said, "You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain." She has the needle so I give no rebuttal. I am now needle-holed, and reprimanded. That's unfortunate.

All of these circumstances merited much stronger responses, but I had the opportunity for reform. And only hope these circumstances don't repeat themselves in 2011 or I will likely choose alternative and certainly more sassy and salty expressions to use, which indeed will be unfortunate.

50 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

This provides yet another confirmation that I can never actually live in the south. I'd have some sort of burning cross on my lawn by the end of the first week for yelling things like, "Jesus Christ on a pogo stick!" and other much less savoury phrases combining his name with various animals, actions and people's moms. :) Happy new year, Jenny!

the walking man said...

C'mon up here where language is unambiguous clear and direct to the point punctuated with at least a mandatory profanity in every sentence spoken.

Intense Guy said...

LOL!

I like to say, "It's ....different" when someone (usually female) asks me what I think of 1) Clothes 2) Shoes 3) Hair fresh from the salon 4) New recipe that I'm guinea pigging.

I usually get the stinkeye and a WTF?

Simone said...

Great post....love the needle story. And who on earth even watches other people as they wash their hands in the restroom. Give me a break!!!?

Very funny JennyMac. Happy New Year!!!

Kat said...

I work with a girl who drops the f-bomb with regularity. Noun, verb, adjective - she uses them all. We are trying to get her to substitute another word. So far, no luck. Kat

A Daft Scots Lass said...

What an opinionated nurse. I would've told her to mind her own business!!!

I've had somewhat of an unfortunately 2010 and I'm hoping that 2011 will be a wee bit better.

Melissa said...

Hilarious! I have so many unfortunate moments in my life that it is, truly, unfortunate.

And wtf with the whackjob at the hand dryer?

Happy 2011,
Melissa

singedwingangel said...

Ummm ok you weren't taking the Lord's name in vain. You were calling on him to come help you, preferably by slapping the judgmental phlebotomist upside her self righteous head..

Dumblond said...

That's interesting...
I should try to do something like this. Thanks to my grandfather (May he rest in peace) I have a really dirty mouth. And I get funny looks from adults when I try to substitute swear words with words and phrases from SpongeBob. Barnacles, dirty barnacles...

Pricilla said...

I have had to learn to curb my expressions around children but there are times that things will pop out that are very unfortunate.

Very unfortunate.

DeNae said...

The women in our family use "unfortunate" when describing things like noses, rear ends, 80's bangs, and so forth.

My grandmother would always say, "Well, that's just poor." Being from the country, she said it with the heavey 'o' of "pore", and we totally got it every time.

Ed said...

Just like foreplay, this is a great idea in theory.

The best I could manage with these two phrases are "That's fucking interesting!" and "That's fucking unfortunate!"

Also, I'm reminded of a card I saw once that on the front read, "Jesus Loves You" and on the inside read, "But the rest of us think you're an asshole."

Brian Miller said...

yikes...i hate needles...shivers....smiles.

Kristina P. said...

I saw my OBGYN's nurse practitioner once, who proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about why we hadn't had a baby yet, was it because we were wanting to be selfish and buy a boat, etc. I was in the stirrups. I don't know why I didn't complain after. She was the same religion as me, and was judgey as hell.

Kristina P. said...

I saw my OBGYN's nurse practitioner once, who proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about why we hadn't had a baby yet, was it because we were wanting to be selfish and buy a boat, etc. I was in the stirrups. I don't know why I didn't complain after. She was the same religion as me, and was judgey as hell.

KittyCat said...

LOve it!
I do have a little bit of a potty mouth and have recently tried to clean it up.

Thanks for the suggestion of alternates.

MealPlanningMama said...

Mama Pottymouth (that's me) is going to try your suggestion in an effort to clean up my mouth. Another fabulous post Jenny Mac!

Bouncin' Barb said...

What a great post.

Herding Cats said...

I laughed at this post. It's so true. As a teacher, I can't ever swear (obviously). I must say "That's interesting," ten times a day.

Marcy said...

I love all of these examples!!! I too have been known to go potty while on the phone (rarely) but always cover the mouthpiece. Unfortunately, most people can tell something's been muffled and then they start worrying "are you still there???" to which i must offer some explanation... Have something to say in that situation????

Love the Jesus...Loves Me declaration! Will have to remember that.

Grand Pooba said...

I love "That's unfortunate"! Good idea!

But my favorite of all time has got to be "Cluster F***"

It just makes me giggle. Now why would anyone want to say unfortunate when they could say CF??

Mrs. Tuna said...

My phrase? Imagine that.

Two Southern ladies are sitting on the porch sipping mint juleps.

Mary: “My Harry bought me these fine diamond rings”

Susanna: “Imagine that”

Mary: “My Harry took me on a Caribbean cruise”

Susanna: “Imagine that”

Mary: “My Harry bought me this fur jacket, what does your George do for you?”

Susanna: “My George taught me to say imagine that rather then F*** you. “

Welcome to the cool girls table.

Eva Gallant said...

I love it. Those two phrases just became part of my vocabulary! Which my husband will think is unfortunate, if not interesting.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I remember a joke i heard about southern women and the phrase, "isn't that nice" Same point.

I prefer What the Fuck myself.
no guess work there.

Jules said...

That's interesting.

Although, I might have said, "Get the f*ck off me," to the lady by the hand dryer. Uh no......move on Crazy Lady.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I say "Damn it!" on a regular basis. Fortunately, I whisper the 'G' word that goes in front of it. When questioned about it, I reply, "I said Gosh."

Yeah, right.

Allyson & Jere said...

Ok, first of all, your top commentor there is called vegetable assasin. That is just brilliant.

But, I digress.

I love this post. L-O-V-E it! Laughed right out loud at the whole "unfortunate" potty situation and the landscapers, and the busy body and the hand dryer. Loved it all.

And I shall work on my "unfortunate" usage of salty language. Tell me this...is douche on that list? 'Cause I'm just not sure I can give up THAT word.

Little Ms J said...

I use "That's unfortunate" a lot. But, the F bomb just FEELS better.

ladytruth said...

The last incident about the hole-poking really made me feel encouraged. If I can handle a needle, well then, what minor thing giving birth to a whole baby would be, right? :)

Possum said...

"Not out of my arm with a needle!"...CLASSIC!!!!
...still laughing as I type this!!

Maria said...

Oh Lordy...Judgement about hand drying in the ladies room? I bet she was wearing a scrunchie...

Being a teacher, you can very well imagine the copious opportunities to use salty language...rather than dilute my vocabulary with these interesting substitutes, I have taken to biting the insides of my mouth. And that is mighty unfortunate...

Thanks for the laugh!

Inge' said...

Down here in Elvisland, we say "My goodness" or "Bless your heart". I must admit I do like the latter better than the forms since I can add so much more sarcasm to it. But, alas I do have a mouth like a long shoreman so I am forever looking for replacement words. Now that's unfortunate.

B.o.B. said...

Um, I am pretty sure I would have cursed out the lady in the bathroom. The nurse I probably could have endured. Not sure this trick will work for me since I may actually have been a sailor in a past life. ;)

chasity said...

my favorite ambiguous response when i don't want to be truthful is
doya think?

or

yathinkso?

ie

my daughter says

oh that baby is soooo cute.


how can i say otherwise?

so i say

yeah...ya think so?

and hope it doesn't get noticed.

:)

MommaAmma said...

Oh I have a potty mouth. But my need to be a smart arse condescending hag outweighs so I will most definitely be using these new nicer terms with the same bitter tone which includes a head cocked to the side tooth sucking "awww". I love it.

The Random Blogette said...

That is hilarious that someone scolded your for saying Jesus when you got pricked with a needle!

My favorite is saying "balls!" No matter what the situation. "Balls!" just sounds right!

secret agent woman said...

I think in #1, "Fuck off" would have been entirely appropriate.

But #4 made me laugh out loud. You should read my post from Sunday - I hit on this very thing about being careful with the person holding the needle.

Scraps said...

Hah! When I use the phrase "that's unfortunate" it's because someone's just told me something horrible (or stupid/ridiculous) and is waiting for an answer. Sometimes you just can't say "I couldn't care less," so "that's unfortunate" has to do.

We do have "interesting" in common, though... I think that one makes the rounds in public quite a bit.

One other phrase I've adopted is "charming." Used regarding other people's actions that are, generally, anything but (regardless of the humor/charm they find in themselves at that moment). It's my ultimate Southern Lady insult these days.

Baloney said...

I'm going to try that phrase on my family tonight. They have a lot of whining to do and that's unfortunate.

Anita said...

We have those two words in common - not the ones beginning with F...but, interesting and unfortunate. I use'em ALL the time, and I've got the tone down!

Number 4 is my favorite. I wouldn't cross someone who has a needle in my body either. :)

Anonymous said...

omg this is hysterical. I do love the song Erotic City but can't imagine a Liza version. LOL.

Deep in the Heart of Happy said...

I am forever friggin changed by the post.

Dude...I was laughing so hard I woke everyone up.

That's unfortunate.

Vivienne said...

I'm a control freak, so the hand dryer lady might have been me.

(kidding. i only would have said something had you failed to wash your hands in the first place!)

Happy New Year!

Slamdunk said...

Funny stuff JM.

Anyone instructing me at the hand dryer in a public restroom will get little more than a laugh--with guys it is surprising enough to see them wash their hands anyway after doing the business.

AmyLK said...

I work with a catholic nun who frequently says "You're precious in God's eyes" Those of us who KNOW her understand she's really saying go F yourself! lol She's really a sweetheart!

Myya said...

JESUS.... Loves Me. I am still laughing. That is HILARIOUS!!! Ms Jenny Mac you crack me up, I loved all of your "unfortunate" tales.

Dalton said...

I think 'unfortunate' is truly a southern expression. We mean a LOT of things when we say that - yet it still sounds polite to the untrained ear. It's hands down one of my favorite expressions, and I'm pretty sure my British hubby or half the people in Singapore don't get it, yay!

Oh, and I'm totally stealing 'that's interesting' - love it!

Anna said...

Ha! I usually add something nonsense when I accidentally say God! or Jesus! Love yours. I'll have to remember that one.

Caty said...

"not out of a needle in my arm" That cracked me up! it's almost 4am and I am barely staying awake at work, so thanks for the laugh!

Bailey said...

i.love.this!