Ok, so now that I have shared an amusing anecdote of dating, I did receive some hilarious emails and comments. Several of which asked me if I ever heard or saw Darren again. I shared with some of you that when I met him he was very attractive, seemingly put together, and quite successful. Primarily because his boss clearly never had late night Donkey Kong tournament over at Darren's parents' house. How he hid this secret side from me for so long, I shall never know. So no, I never saw him again. Ironically, I DID hear from his mother again. So let me share some more dirt. Several months after the chickenpalooza, I receive a call very early one Sunday morning. This is how it goes down:
Unknown caller: Is Jennifer there?
Me: This is.
Unknown caller: Is Darren there?
Me: Is this a prank call? (Mind you, it is EARLY. As in, the sun nor roosters are up yet. Nor am I.)
Unknown caller: No, I am looking for Jennifer. And Darren.
Me: Who is this?
Unknown caller: Mrs. S______
Me: Silence because who is Mrs. S?
Mrs S: This is Darren's Mom. Do you remember him? You slept over at our house one night?
Me: (inner monologue: Are you *&#%#) kidding me? Because I did not know the acronym WTF yet.) and then: WOW, nice to meet you Norman Bates.
Mrs. S: Darren did not come home last night and I wanted to know if he is at your house.
Me: I have not seen your son in several months ma'am so no, he is not here.
Mrs. S: Well, he spent the night somewhere.
Me: I am sure he has a lot of options. Out of curiousity, how did you get my number?
Mrs. S: I went through his phone.
AWESOME. Because I wasn't quite thoroughly afraid of you when you crept around in the dark waiting for your grown man-child to come home and then subsequently watched me through some hole you likely drilled in the floorboards before coming down and offering me breakfast and implying I better be clothed under my blanket. Make SURE I know you have my number too and clearly, are not afraid to use it.
Me: I need to go, Mrs. S. Good luck finding your son.
Mrs. S: I guess it bothers you to know he moved on.
Me: YES. It bothers me SO very much. Or the opposite. PS: You are C-R-A-Z-Y.
This story is hilarious to me. Now. But since I have a son, and many of our friends do too, it caused me to think about how we might behave or NOT behave the first time our son's bring a young lady home. And it caused me to reflect on some interesting scenarios shared by friends or friends of friends over a decade or more of situations I would never want to be in. Come on, I met Chicken Lady. I had my turn. But these scenarios compelled me to make this list.
How to avoid acting crazy when your son brings home a girlfriend:
1. Try not to let them live at your house past age 30 unless dire financial or medical situations exist. If they MUST live at home, try not to do their laundry. And also try not to tell your son's girlfriend how he likes his laundry done. She just met you.
2. Try not to call your son's girlfriend his previous girlfriend's name. Repeatedly. When he asks you to stop, do not laugh and tell him his new girlfriend needs to "lighten up."
3. Try not to tell your son's girlfriend his previous girlfriend was so beautiful she could be on the cover of Vogue and that "clearly, not every girl can make that claim."
4. Try not to ask your son's girlfriend what method of birth control she is using. At the dinner table. In front of multiple people.
5. Try not to talk about your child's previous wedding and how amazing it was.And how much you LOVED your previous daughter-in-law. Especially when you think it possible your son has not told your new girlfriend any of the above.
6. Dad, try not to hand your son condoms in front of his new girlfriend and give a sly wink. And by all means Junior, do NOT take them from him. Buy your own condoms or if you must, discretely fetch them later.
7. Do not ask your son and his girlfriend to sleep in your bed while they are home visiting for the weekend. Do not ask this question especially if you are going to follow with the statement: Please do not have sex in there if you do.
8. Do not fly your son and his new girlfriend home to meet you and stand AT THE AIRPORT with a clipboard in your hand which you refer to within minutes of meeting her and systematically make check marks or write notes based on her answers to your first 50 questions.
9. Do not tell your son's new girlfriend she has "great child-birthing hips." You are not the Walton Family and this is not your home on the range.
10. Try not to walk in on your son and his girlfriend having sex and then later try to discuss this situation with the girlfriend. And by the way, RW, you KNOW you should not be trying to have sex in the middle of the day in your parent's house while your parents are home especially when you lied to your girlfriend and told her there was NO WAY either of your parents would hear you. Wrong. But all of your friends found it hilarious. Sorry she broke up with you after that weekend.