Friday, January 21, 2011

Chicken Lady strikes again ( & How to avoid acting crazy when your son brings home a girlfriend)

Ok, so now that I have shared an amusing anecdote of dating, I did receive some hilarious emails and comments. Several of which asked me if I ever heard or saw Darren again. I shared with some of you that when I met him he was very attractive, seemingly put together, and quite successful. Primarily because his boss clearly never had late night Donkey Kong tournament over at Darren's parents' house. How he hid this secret side from me for so long, I shall never know. So no, I never saw him again. Ironically, I DID hear from his mother again. So let me share some more dirt. Several months after the chickenpalooza, I receive a call very early one Sunday morning. This is how it goes down:

Ring ring.
Me: Hello
Unknown caller: Is Jennifer there?
Me: This is.
Unknown caller: Is Darren there?
Me: Is this a prank call? (Mind you, it is EARLY. As in, the sun nor roosters are up yet. Nor am I.)
Unknown caller: No, I am looking for Jennifer. And Darren.
Me: Who is this?
Unknown caller: Mrs. S______
Me: Silence because who is Mrs. S?
Mrs S: This is Darren's Mom. Do you remember him? You slept over at our house one night?
Me: (inner monologue: Are you *&#%#) kidding me? Because I did not know the acronym WTF yet.) and then: WOW, nice to meet you Norman Bates.
Mrs. S: Darren did not come home last night and I wanted to know if he is at your house.
Me: I have not seen your son in several months ma'am so no, he is not here.
Mrs. S: Well, he spent the night somewhere.
Me: I am sure he has a lot of options. Out of curiousity, how did you get my number?
Mrs. S: I went through his phone.
AWESOME. Because I wasn't quite thoroughly afraid of you when you crept around in the dark waiting for your grown man-child to come home and then subsequently watched me through some hole you likely drilled in the floorboards before coming down and offering me breakfast and implying I better be clothed under my blanket. Make SURE I know you have my number too and clearly, are not afraid to use it.
Me: I need to go, Mrs. S. Good luck finding your son.
Mrs. S: I guess it bothers you to know he moved on.
Me: YES. It bothers me SO very much. Or the opposite. PS: You are C-R-A-Z-Y.

This story is hilarious to me. Now. But since I have a son, and many of our friends do too, it caused me to think about how we might behave or NOT behave the first time our son's bring a young lady home. And it caused me to reflect on some interesting scenarios shared by friends or friends of friends over a decade or more of situations I would never want to be in. Come on, I met Chicken Lady. I had my turn. But these scenarios compelled me to make this list.

How to avoid acting crazy when your son brings home a girlfriend:


1. Try not to let them live at your house past age 30 unless dire financial or medical situations exist. If they MUST live at home, try not to do their laundry. And also try not to tell your son's girlfriend how he likes his laundry done. She just met you.

2. Try not to call your son's girlfriend his previous girlfriend's name. Repeatedly. When he asks you to stop, do not laugh and tell him his new girlfriend needs to "lighten up."

3. Try not to tell your son's girlfriend his previous girlfriend was so beautiful she could be on the cover of Vogue and that "clearly, not every girl can make that claim."

4. Try not to ask your son's girlfriend what method of birth control she is using. At the dinner table. In front of multiple people.

5. Try not to talk about your child's previous wedding and how amazing it was.And how much you LOVED your previous daughter-in-law. Especially when you think it possible your son has not told your new girlfriend any of the above.

6. Dad, try not to hand your son condoms in front of his new girlfriend and give a sly wink. And by all means Junior, do NOT take them from him. Buy your own condoms or if you must, discretely fetch them later.

7. Do not ask your son and his girlfriend to sleep in your bed while they are home visiting for the weekend. Do not ask this question especially if you are going to follow with the statement: Please do not have sex in there if you do.  

8. Do not fly your son and his new girlfriend home to meet you and stand AT THE AIRPORT with a clipboard in your hand which you refer to within minutes of meeting her and systematically make check marks or write notes based on her answers to your first 50 questions.

9. Do not tell your son's new girlfriend she has "great child-birthing hips." You are not the Walton Family and this is not your home on the range.

10. Try not to walk in on your son and his girlfriend having sex and then later try to discuss this situation with the girlfriend. And by the way, RW, you KNOW you should not be trying to have sex in the middle of the day in your parent's house while your parents are home especially when you lied to your girlfriend and told her there was NO WAY either of your parents would hear you. Wrong. But all of your friends found it hilarious. Sorry she broke up with you after that weekend.

31 comments:

Me said...

I love your crazy dating stories! x

SmartBear said...

I needed this list. I am so afraid of the kind of mom I will be when he is grown and dating. Ugh!
Best,
Tina

the walking man said...

I remember that day. Damned if she didn't convince him to turn vegetarian. House never smelled right until he moved out. and no I did not give him the condoms in front of her or even when she was in the house but I did ask him if he knew how to use them which kind of sent him into a dither like I was going to show him. When he said he did it confirmed for me that he was having sex. But all I said to him was good then he won't have to ask his mother how to put one onn.

Maria said...

That is hysterical! Many good pointers there. However, I am bracing myself. There some some Darren-ettes that walk amongst us, my dear...Or worse, high maintenence chicks...God help our boys!

Pharmacist Erin said...

I once had a boy tell me that I had child-birthing hips. In 8th grade. Not a smart move creep-o.

My brother made the major mistake of buying a house next door to my parents. Now my mom's face is stuck to the window that faces his house.

Sara said...

Great list! Loved the story. I should print the list out and give to my MIL. My BIL is a 25 year old, who still lives at home and pretty sure my MIL would do every one of those things on that list. ha!

Bouncin' Barb said...

Very, very funny! Love it.

Sole Matters said...

wow. what a nut job!! did you tell her she was crazy?

Jules said...

Girlie, you had quite a strange dating life!!! Love it!

Simply Suthern said...

My mom called my wife(new girlfriend at the time) Julie. It didnt go over well at all. I had never even dated a Julie.

I have 3 daughters. I am worried about y'alls son coming over.

I got rid of one when I told him if anything happened to my daughter his life wouldnt be worth much. That worked pretty good.

Ed said...

Just wait till the day he bring one home, mom.

You'll act just as crazy as the rest.

Because, "HE'S MY BAAABBBYYY!"

Vivienne said...

I have 4 boys. Taking notes.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Wow. Is that list based on real life experiences? Scary.

Kristina P. said...

I really wish I had dated more. I should have whored it up.

Nitmos said...

Of course, if you hate you son's girlfriend, you could do the opposite of all of these things on your list right?

Eva Gallant said...

I came home one afternoon in time to see a 16-year-old girlfriend run across the hall from my 15 year-old son's room to the bathroom! I was not pleased.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Chicken lady would scare the CRAP out of me too! Fortunately, my man's mom has only used my phone number to wish me well after finding out (from her son) that I had been in the hospital.

And my mom is cool in that she vacates the premises when he's here. An ex actually wanted her to walk in on us because "wouldn't that be exciting?"

Umm, no.

My man makes sure everything is locked, even though no one's here. Because, with my luck, someone WILL come over the minute we leave it unlocked.

Thank you for this: "past age 30 unless dire financial or medical situations exist". lol!

And 1500 followers? Damn girl! ; )

The Constant Complainer said...

That is a great list. And I enjoyed the phone call from the mother too. WTF.

KittyCat said...

WOW
I think I might be a crazy protective mom of my 16 year old boy, but I would never do those things.

But I have warned my son of those certain types of girls he should avoid. : )

Mrs. Tuna said...

I am now scared the Sheldon is bringing her new boyfriend to dinner tomorrow. Maybe we'll go out.

Pricilla said...

I think I'm glad I had a relatively short dating life....

K A B L O O E Y said...

Your Norman Bates comment may have invalidated the warranty on my computer, what with the soda spit-take I did after reading it. And yes, that mom sounded creeeeepy. But still, bet you're sad he moved on. Bet he's still living at home, too.

Caty said...

you have the best stories...some of these had my mouth dropping!

Natasha said...

Hilarious! But wow, Darren's mum is a bit crazy isn't she!? He needs to move out of home and grow up.

lori said...

I stumbled on your blog and this cracked me up!
One more to add:
If your son does have a girlfriend, don't shout to him from the hallway that his room smells and he needs to clean it, unless you first check to see if his girlfriend is in there.
Awkward.

secret agent woman said...

My 17 year old has had two serious girlfriends and I've liked them both. I try to just be welcoming and unobtrusive!

M-Cat said...

So funny! The condom one reminded me of a story I just heard from a bestie. She was telling about the time she lost her virginity when she was 14 and her boyfriend was 15 (his too). They didn't have any condoms so they used a sandwich bag! You know, those old ones that had the flip over top? LMAO - I buy an extra box of sandwich bags for her every time now!

Myya said...

Hmmm I wonder what happend to him... ha ha ha.
I bet him & his (equally crazy) wife (because she would HAVE to be) live nice & cozy in his mother's basement still. She probably watches thier kids while the mom works at Wal-Mart in the evenings. LOL.

Dumblond said...

You're going to scare all the single people out there with these stories...

The Absence of Alternatives said...

WOW. Whoa. Srly WTF and LOL! I thank you for writing this post, you know why? I have two boys and knowing how possessive and passive aggressive I am, I have been worried that I am going to be MIL from Hell on day. BUT it is nice to know I will NEVER sink to that level. CREEPY!

hotpants™ said...

It's because of people like her and her son that WTF was created. Just sayin'.