Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Not your average sleepover...

Long before meeting JohnnyMac, I was a girl about town. More Charlotte York than Samantha Jones, mind you, but I fully embraced the freedom, experiences, and sometimes antics and anecdotes singlehood provided.

I would not change my life one bit, because each of these roads led me to to where I am now, which is exactly where I want to be.

But, let's be candid. While all of my experiences have intertwined in different ways to make this caravan of my life a great one, all roads are not created equal. Some roads were the autobahn, some were slick two lane highways, and a few, well, a few were bumpy dirt roads strewn with handfuls of empty beer bottles. And some roads were laden with rather funny stories. And those stories should be shared. This is one of those stories.

And my memory was prompted as my Mom and I were watching something this weekend and during an odd scene involving an odd character, she leaned over to me and whispered, "chicken lady..."

Let's get down to the grit. Oh, it is not exactly brief. Get your coffee.

Back in grad school, and out on the town one night, I met a guy and we began to fraternize fairly frequently. He was already a decade out of college and working downtown. One evening, after watching one of his baseball games, I make the mistake of not going home to read Criminal Procedure, and instead I join him and his team for consumption of cocktails.

We were far from the sleeping over stage but after many o' beverage, I was in no way going to drive home. He asks me to sleep over, you know, really for my safety than to try to mack on me. Mmm hmm. I ride with him, and his friend follows in my car. Such gentlemen. My car safely parked, we bid his friend adieu.

We enter this absolutely stunning house. Even in the pitch black I can tell it is massive. We go upstairs and in the midst of playing all kinds of 7th grade style grab-ass, I hear the following in a weird and whispery tone:

Darren....... would you like some chicken?

It is PITCH BLACK and I literally jump out of my skin. What is that? He flips on a light and look there, a woman is sitting on a kitchen chair. He says, "Hi Mom."

My mind is lightening quick with questions. Things like, why is your Mom at your house, in the middle of the night, sitting in the dark, offering savory snacks like its all perfectly normal.

I could not adequately voice the severity of my discomfort.  He declines the chicken. And she immediately asks Who is your friend? Not quite Joan Crawford-ish but not June Cleaver, either. Giving him a severe pummeling seemed like a fantastic idea at the moment. He grabs my hand, two bottles of water and leads us away from the situation. His first statement is something only Matlock could have deduced: He lives with his parents. He was 32. Really? I figured it out. Sign me up for 21 Jump Street.

Now we are downstairs in his man-den. A man-den which includes the entire basement of his parents house, also known as his living quarters. Fooseball. Pool table. Donkey Kong. Living at home had its perks for this cat. He tries to explain his situation and yet nothing comforts me from the previous scenario involving a creepy person lurking in the dark with a plate of barbeque fowl. So I smile brightly, like, OF COURSE! This is FANTASTIC!!

And then I see behind his pool table what appears to be a collection of Playboys. And by "collection" I mean WOW, there are hundreds and hundreds of Playboys. Playboys from back in the day when Hef wanted to name it Stag Party. He immediately told me they belonged to a friend. A friend with a big affinity for the visuals, I see. The mags were not a deterrent because any naughty intent on his part was washed out with cold water when his Mom appeared.

He then asks if I want to watch a movie. I am still buzzed, can not count the minutes fast enough until I escape, but I need more time before I can drive. So he then tells me we can watch his favorite movie. What might be his favorite movie? Godfather? No. Tommy Boy? Not quite. Good Will Hunting? Oh no. This:

Are you KIDDING ME!?!?!?! I don't even have that movie. Wait, what is that sound? Oh..that? It is your stock falling.

I fall asleep in a big chair before he wakes me up and asks if I want to sleep in his bed to be more comfortable. Sure.

It is a water bed. Because the hits just KEEP ON COMING. Water bed? 1997? Those two words and that date do NOT go hand in hand.

I decide to sleep all bundled up. As he attempts to kiss my forehead goodnight, his shoulder hits the nightstand sending a 32 ounce cup of water onto me and the pillow and sheets.

He says we can change the sheets.
Except he has no more clean sheets.
Because while having your own Donkey Kong machine MIGHT seem like the best value-add of living at home, I would rank it BEHIND another bonus called clean laundry.

But no. He chose Donkey Kong. And the late night chicken platter option. I ask if I can sleep on the couch in his man- den. He only says, "I wouldn't". OH, yum. Free DNA samples.

No buzz in the world could last thing long but now I am exhausted. I hoped that sleep would bring me a better perspective.

I wake up a few hours later. Blanketed up, rather burrito style on the Partridge Family-esque water bed. Gray light creeping through the windows. And daylight has the skill of making this place look even worse. Dim lighting is a sloppy bachelor's friend. Daylight is not.

But perhaps what is most startling is the fact there was a face about 4 inches from my face. And it wasn't his.

His Mother had come down to check on me. And to ask me if I wanted breakfast. And if I slept alright because she noticed the sheets bundled up on the floor. And was there something wrong with those sheets to cause them to be on the floor? And to imply she hoped I was dressed under my burrito blanket. I am sure the next question was going to be whether I preferred my carcass being dumped in the river or in the woods but I had no time for that.

She left and I was gathering my wits and my belongings, he woke up. I told him in a wee bit of a hiss/terse fashion You're mother was just down here asking me a dozen questions.

His answer?
I know. I pretended to be asleep.

WTF!?!?!?!

He got up to walk me out. No thank you. He tried to kiss me goodbye. No thank you. He told me he would call me later. No thank you. He asked if I still wanted to go to the Counting Crows concert. YES. DAMMIT, I really wanted to go to that concert but No, no, no and no thank you.

Because the only thing better than a 32 year old bachelor who conveniently forgets he lives at his parents house, has a Mom who sits up and waits for him to return home in a lurky fashion, has a stash of about 3000 Playboys but of course only for "a friend". The same man to whom it never occurs it might be wise to say the Lord of the Dance DVD also belongs to "a friend" and has not a clean sheet to be found, is all of those same exact qualities in a 32 year old who pretends to be asleep while his overnight guest gets interrogated by his Mommy.

See, I told you some of the roads might have been dirty and bumpy, but they were not without their share of comic value.

52 comments:

Will Burke said...

The Donkey Kong and skin mags are pretty self-explanatory -- he had a LOT of time and very little company. I had similar digs for about a year (though NOT in my parents basement), but I had the good sense to not have any ladies over.

Intense Guy said...

You know... its impossible to make this stuff up...

I wonder what has become of this "specimen" of the human race.

Maria said...

Good GOD! I would have called a cab and gone home at the sign of chicken lady. However, knowledge is power, sister. And thank goodness, as the mother of boys, we can try to change that story for some other young lady who decided to skip studying Criminal Procedure.

Note to self: Make sure the boys move out no later than 22. Make sure their "friend's" collection of visual material is non-existent. Make sure they are exposed to the greats of male themed movies, The Godfather being their first choice. Make sure they have at least 3 sets of clean sheets for a REGULAR bed.

Truly, you could not make this up...It's just too awful!

Herding Cats said...

Classic. That's one for the books - for sure!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'm sorry, I almost pissed myself laughing at "Darren....... would you like some chicken?" so much, that I had to go back and read it again. That is the singlemost creepy and hilarious thing EVER. I imagine her saying it in a breathy whisper from a dark corner. :) Closely followed by, "Darren....would you like to unhook....MY BRA?"

ajm said...

Ooohhh . . . ICK!!!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Wow. That chicken lady was scary. Glad you waited to drive but man the urge must have been great to leave asap.

Kat said...

Wow. Just wow. You've done what my husband said was impossible. You've rendered me speechless :) Kat

Simone said...

"Lord of the Dance"....OMG!!!!

Am ew-ing at so many different parts of this story!!

And the Chicken Mom....OMG!!!!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Run, run, run like the wind.

Sammy K said...

So this story was the inspiration for that movie Failure to Launch, right?? Man, that guy is a winner. I can just imagine how married life is for him... if he ever found someone who could deal with his water bed.

Smita Tewari said...

terrific narrative tecnique- u have a natural story- telling style, keep it up!

Sole Matters said...

wow...the mom is cray cray..and him? well thats just sad.

Melissa B. said...

I never did favor Mama's Boys...if the boy was creepy, just think about the parental!

Ed said...

Guess I missed the point here.

Was it that you used to be a whore?

Or that you had questionable taste in men?

Ha!

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to something something.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh my! That was totally weird! lol

Susan said...

LOVE this insane "date" story!!! I have a few good ones of my own from years past. I should share them soon, too.

Kathleen said...

I know you don't make this stuff up, but seriously. Do you make this stuff up?? So glad you didn't stay on THAT road, huh?!

Pricilla said...

I have no words....

Kristina P. said...

Wow, is he still single? I have a couple of girlfriends I could set him up with!!

Barbaloot said...

Did you sell this story to Matthew M.(no idea how to spell his last name) and Sarah Jessica Parker? I swear they made a movie out of it:)

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

Holy cow...that could have ended up sooooo bad. That's some scary stuff there now.

ladytruth said...

My husband had to give me a slap on the back to get me breathing again since I just couldn't stop laughing. Just when you think it can't get any funnier ... eh ... sorry, WORSE ... it does! Thanks for sharing this; I've had my share of bumpy dirt road dates, but this one is right up there. I loved it! :)

ModernMom said...

Bwhahaha. She would have been the MIL from Hell! hmmm Wonder if he still lives in her basement?

Vodka Logic said...

What a nightmare. Hollywood has never written a story so creepy.

PS both my children were conceived on a water bed... lol

Kristy said...

Oh, man, hopefully that's the last you ever saw of that house!

Nyx said...

ick. ickie ick ick. there's really no other words for that experience.

ICK.

Sara said...

What The Vegetable Assassin said? TIMES A BILLIONTY.

Marcy said...

Tee hee. I forgot about this one. I love the 32 oz of water accidentally dumped into the bed/onto you. Oops. You do tell a great (real!) story.

webb said...

OMG! Even clever you could not have made that up! Kissing a few frogs is one thing, but Darren is beyond help!

I'm Jane said...

Do you still have his number? I'm not particularly picky these days and I like chicken.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I would've called a friend to come get me, if at ALL possible. Creepy dudes with even creepier moms creep me out. And I wouldn't have gone to the Counting Crows concert either, as much as I love them.

M-Cat said...

I am shaking my head and acknowledging that no one can make this shit up. You just can't. And I keep picturing the douche bag in The Wedding Singer.

GAH!

Traci @ www.herdingsquirrels.com said...

Horrifying. And hilarious.

Myya said...

Ohhhhh no! That is just sad soooooo very VERY sad! Errrrr I mean totally pathetic! Good for you fir getting out if dodge!

Chelsea said...

OH MY GOODNESS this is funny! Mostly because it didn't happen to me! Thanks for sharing!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

So is he one of your Facebook friends now? LOL. ;-)

Have you heard of this children's book called Love You Forever? Go to Amazon and read the 1-star reviews and you'll know why your hilarious story and the STALKER mom reminds me of this gem of a book...

Michele R said...

Unbelievable! The mom probably watched you all night. From a secret closet with a secret hole in the wall. I may have nightmares tonight.

Dumblond said...

ickyickyICKYICKY!!! Seriously, that story really skeeves me out...mainly because it is a hauntingly familiar one. I dated a guy like that right out of high school (I was just out of high school, he was 26). ewwewwEWW!!

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

hahaha!! On the positive side (if there is one) his mom may have saved you from a whole lotta "Ick, can't believe I..." memories.

The Constant Complainer said...

I think this is now my favorite all-time post of yours. I loved it and was laughing out loud along the way. What a bozo - and some young unknowing girl will probably meet him today and think to herself, "Wow, what a catch, I wonder why he's still single." LOL!!!

P.S. Donkey Kong game - classic!

The Constant Complainer said...

P.S. I still can't get over that movie. LOL. But then again, I'm the guy that asked a girl to watch "Night at the Roxbury" once on a first date. Oh, and on another, I asked a girl to watch "Fear." I guess my track record isn't the best either! LOL.

the southern hostess said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. It's just too much.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

Oh, honey, not a BAD date. More like worst date ever. Unless you've got more . . .

I'm sure we are happy to hear them.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I think I might have taken my chances with a DUI. But I have been similar situations, minus the chicken lady.

She Writes said...

So worth the read!!!

Vivienne said...

I have no words. None.

Caty said...

Wow! what a nightmare. I'm so glad you can laugh at it now!! 32???

Chez Zizi said...

So funny and yes by the way I did get a cup of coffee before proceeding to read. How did you get yourself into these situations?
Zizette

Janet said...

Oh my goodness, that is absolutely hilarious and terrifying! Have to wonder where Darren is today.

Shop Girl* said...

...I'm still confused about why you let this one slip away? hahahaha

I bet Darren married someone exactly like this mother.

...and that they still live with his mother. :)

hotpants™ said...

My hubby totally had a water bed when we met in 1997 and he was living with his parents, BUT he was 22. There's a difference. Man, this was a great story.