Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Birth Control

A friend is expecting and while she submerges herself in the book What to Expect When You are Expecting, she also shared her intent to watch one of the Childbirth DVDs. My face indicates multiple emotions and when she told me, I surely displayed a facial expression reading loudly and clearly: yikes.

Her: You don’t think it will be helpful?

Hmmm, let me contemplate if it might be helpful. If by helpful you mean it will likely cause your tummy to churn and eliminate any interest you have in s-e-x for several days, why yes, it might be helpful.

I am certain all Childbirth DVDs are not created equal. That deserves a hallelujah. Let me share a tidbit of experience I had while watching the birthing DVD I selected. 

First, it arrived via Netflix. When JMac saw it, he exclaimed, “Add this just after America’s Got Talent on the list of programming I shall never watch.”

Point taken. But is childbirth not a beautiful miracle to observe?

I was eight months pregnant, feeling calm and very grateful for my highly positive pregnancy experience. I thought if perhaps I learn some additional points about childbirth, the DVD would be worth the time.

The DVD opens with sound but no picture. It sounds like a great deal of heavy breathing followed by a man with a very high and bizarre voice saying things like, “Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it.” Repeat over and over for several minutes.
Then heavy breathing. And wait, is that mewing? 

I thought, “HOLD IT.” Did I get the wrong DVD? Because this sounds like a DVD in which they show me the steps taken to MAKE a baby. Not a DVD in which two people prepare for said baby to be born.

Then the couple comes into view. Or rather, her ladybits come into view. ALL of her ladybits. Is that a close up? Did this hospital not have a sheet or two? I am stunned at the visual assault. The camera pans out and I immediately scanned the room for the Partridge Family because clearly this was filmed in the mid-70’s. Is that Panchorello? The man was adorned in a peaceful smile, a psychedelic shirt, and giant hair. She was adorned in a facial expression similar to Poltergeist, her birthday suit, as well as giant hair. Everywhere.  Between the free love, the panting and mewing, and the lack of personal grooming, the only things missing in this scene were a tambourine, a magic bus, and some peyote.

More of this audio: Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it.

And then a chance to watch a woman in anguish. OH I get it, birthing a baby au natural is no gentle flitter of angel wings as you exclaim "That feels delightful" but must you show the twists of terror? NOT motivational. How do I quiet my uterus from shouting: Why are you even watching this!?!?!?!? Followed by : I HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW!

First thought: While childbirth is certainly a beautiful miracle to observe, I am not excited to witness ScaryFace McHairy and her man bring a wee one into the world. Even if that wee one comes out playing guitar like Hendrix.

Second thought: Where is the bleach for rinsing my retina???? 

Third thought: Absolutely no invitations will be extended to join us in the birthing room. 

Fourth thought: Remember when involved in next passionate moment with JMac to refrain from panting. Mewing. AND exclaiming Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it for fear of laughter that will not end and will surely ruin mood.

Fifth thought: Oops, I just remember this DVD kills the urge for passionate moments. They should rename this video Free birth control.  

66 comments:

Simone said...

I can't stop laughing....!!

I never even wanted to read magazines or books about the actual labour part when I was pregnant, let alone watch a DVD....it is just not necessary, why put yourself through it?!

I wouldn't have wanted my own flower garden (to use one of my favourite phrases of yours) to be seen on screen - let alone see anyone else's....NEVER!!!!

Great post JennyMac :)

singedwingangel said...

bwahaha umm yeah truth.. that sounds like someone wanted to be in the porn industry and failed miserably so got a job doing educational stuff instead.

Maria said...

OMG! You paint quite a picture. Perhaps this is what they should show hot and heavy teenagers so that they will refrain from getting frisky instead of showing clean and cuddly newborns...

Thank you for the laughs this morning...Although I think I need some bleach to erase the mental picture!

The Savage said...

That sounds like bad porn...

blueviolet said...

The commentary and noises are so wrong!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

thats enough to put anyone off having babies...I never did and never will look at those birthing vids. Scary shite!

MsDarkstar said...

The one they showed in my Lamaze class had this woman screaming bloody murder... and then you see "six hours later"... and she's STILL screaming bloody murder... I think in total it was 20 hours of labor and then OMG the bodily fluids and... Yeah, let's just say I was of the opinion that I wanted to cancel this experience at that point and am ETERNALLY grateful that I ended up having an emergency c-section which means my happy azz was UNCONSCIOUS.

The scariest word in my entire pregnancy was "episiotomy".

Oh boy... I think I need a drink now. Yeah, I know it's only 6:45AM.

And that is why The Girl is an only child. (And I wish they would show the 20 hours of screaming woman in health class in HS. Bet teen pregnancy rates would drop dramatically).

Jenn @ Youknow...that Blog? said...

How absolutely gross... You sure know how to paint a visual, my friend ;)

I find witnessing some peoples' out of control, obnoxious children the best birth control ever, even more than hairy porn/birth videos...

the walking man said...

I just read an article that said requests for permanent male sterilization (vasectomies) were up 48%. That may be a very popular NetFlix rental.

BigSis said...

I was one who watched too many videos and read too many books. By month 8 I didn't want to give birth anymore. Thankfully, my experience was way better than what I saw/read about before.

Michele R said...

Aw come on Jenny Mac....it takes energy to create the baby and it takes that energy to get the baby out too.
Interestingly enough when I was preg with my first I watched 3 videos. One from a hospital with employees telling the woman what to do and others that were more natural. The videos spoke to me about what I wanted.
Back in the day when film was developed I took my birth photos in and warned the tech what she'd see. I will never forget her perspective: she said she develops film for the county coroner and she would rather look at birth any day over what he has to film.

rach said...

mewing? wow. In high school we had a biology teacher who could only be described (in a nice way) as quirky. When we were covering the human body and learning about the reproductive cycle he decided to show us not one, but 8 movies of women giving birth. Some au natural some with medication and even a c-section and to write about the process. Talk about the perfect birth control for teenagers. not a one of us wanted to even think about sex after that!

Simply Suthern said...

We already had 3 kids so the wife shoulda kinda sorta knew what to expect when she was due with the 4th. I would still come home from work and find her on the couch crying while watching "A Baby Story" on the Learning Channel. Jeepers woman havent you seen enuff? As a guy i'm lucky I know the largest thing I'll ever have removed from that region will be my wifes 6 1/2 size shoe.

No, I am not Jim Bob Duggar.

Slamdunk said...

I read the book on that and wasn't so sure how well it would translte on the big screen.

After coaching/cheerleading twice, I am glad that I did not know anything.

Allyson & Jere said...

Two kids and I've still never seen a birthing video of any kind, nor taken any classes. Is that wierd?

It probably helps that my kids just sort of "fall out" of me with minimal effort required to "birth them". But still.

That DVD sounds beyond disturbing, if for nothing else the creepy 70's big haired people. I'd like to forget the 70's in all it's ugliness.

My name is PJ. said...

My favorite part of childbirth is watching a woman in transition. Holy Shmoly! Not my idea of entertainment!!

The Boob Nazi said...

And that's why the miracle of childbirth or whatever we watched in high school completely traumatized me.

Big Fat Gini said...

I'd have to wash my brain out with vodka after that. I'm kind of disturbed that you can just order that up on Netflix too...

Scrappy Girl said...

Yikes! I am so not a fan of birthing videos...its kind of like watching a car accident video right before you are in one.

Caty said...

MsDarkstar is right...they should show that 20 hour labor video in HS. I just helped deliver a baby from a 15 year old the other day...and the sad thing is I do that all too often! On the other hand this post was hilarious!!

f8hasit said...

When I blew my knee out skiing that required surgery to fix, I happened to watch a video on the actual procedure I was about to undergo. NOT a good idea.

Same for birthing videos...
Had I watched one, Boo would not be in existence today. Trust me.

:-)

McKenzie said...

Haha I will make sure to never netflix that! I watched a couple birthing videos online, and it definitely scared me out of wanting to be "intimate" with my guy for a long long time and I definitely was not wanting to give birth anymore!

Eva Gallant said...

Great post. I feel like I just saw the video! You do have a way with words!

foxy said...

I'll keep your experience in the vault, should i need it for the future! ;)

Little Ms Blogger said...

My thoughts:

#1: Didn't you have to see this film in health class in high school? I did. Once is enough and it is not like the movie When Harry Met Sally and you can watch again.

#2: When I had various surgeries, surgeons would ask if I wanted to know what was going to happen...did I want details and my response: Will I be knocked out for this? Surgeon's answer: "Yes". Me: "Okay, that's all I needed to know."

Marcy said...

Scary Face McHairy.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) said...

HILARIOUS!! I advise anyone who will listen NOT to watch any birthing video...really it's usually not helpful and like you said a "visual assault" on your eyes. Your description was just too funny, love it! Hope your friend decides to forego the video...reading about it is enough...really. :)

Kristina P. said...

This is hilarious!! I guess I'll just have to wing it when the time comes. Unless Gerard Butler was in that movie. If he's in a birthing movie, I will watch it.

Intense Guy said...

*Scratches this film from his list of movies to watch this weekend and thinks, "There goes my weekend..."*

Writing Without Periods! said...

HaaaaaHaaaaa...ugh! I haven't eaten breakfast yet.
Mary

M-Cat said...

Hysterical! I remember the birthing classes we went to with our first (back in the mid 80's).

I was sure I was never gonna push a baby out my vajayjay. I was demanding a c-sections!

Life of a Stepmama said...

I believe I saw that very same video!! IT WAS HORRIBLE! And yes it sounded like bad ugly people porn. HORRIBLE! Did they not have razors back then?? Seriously. I agree with you, no one should watch those video's, sometimes the less you know or see the better. :)

Babes Mami said...

I'm fairly certain that we watched the same video...it was equally scary for me!

Dumblond said...

Haha. I've think I've seen that one...Kudos on the Panch reference!
You should have watched all the TLC shows they have on birth stories/baby stories. They are not as graphic and there is no lovemaking soundtrack.

MommaAmma said...

This reminds me of:
1. The maternity yoga video with the hippie saying "let the women of your village surround you as you drop your baby from your loins"

2. The home ec style mirror they provided for my viewing pleasure at B's birth.

3. The doc saying "reach down and pull her out" with Bitty and me replying "nu-uh, that's your job lady!"

(And I still can't figure out that email thing! Sorry!)

MommaAmma said...

This reminds me of:
1. The maternity yoga video with the hippie saying "let the women of your village surround you as you drop your baby from your loins"

2. The home ec style mirror they provided for my viewing pleasure at B's birth.

3. The doc saying "reach down and pull her out" with Bitty and me replying "nu-uh, that's your job lady!"

(And I still can't figure out that email thing! Sorry!)

jules said...

Ugh. Why are those things always from the 70's! We don't have hair anymore!!!!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I can't think of anything I'd rather watch less than a giving birth movie. No thank you. I'd have visions of that scene every time I ate a messy pasta dish and no one wants messy vaginas when they should be enjoying spaghetti.

Plus I think there was a special 1970s constitution written where it stated clearly that all ladies must sport a bush that claims territory over at least a third of her lower body. A giant, all encompassing bush you could lose a family of orangatans in. I don't think they had invented scissors or beard trimmers in those days, it was all about having a bush that, while horizontal, reached about a foot high. I'd ask my mom about this, but giant hairy bushes are not something we generally discuss...

The Blue Zoo said...

Definitely sounds like it should be called Free Birth Control! EW!

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! Wow. I SO want to give birth now. LOL

SoccerMom said...

I agree they need to come out with an more modern version of how women are today.

PS I would have never watched a video like that before child birth.

I did however have a video taken of when my son was born. It however took me a full year to finally watch it.

didnt really have the desire to witness what horrible pain I went thru.

Young at Heart said...

personally I have never seen it as a spectator sport!!

Aging Mommy said...

We did a one day pre-natal class when I was 7 months pregnant and they showed two videos, one of which was of a totally natural i.e. zero drugs involved delivery. Horrendous. Every face in the room, moms to be and spouses, was grimacing.

I agree, watching those things is not helpful, some things are best not known about in advance :-)

shortmama said...

I stopped watching the show A Baby Story when I was pregnant the first time...suddenly the idea that I would be the one screaming as a watermelon came out my lemon made it less appealing

Erin said...

I knew from the start I was having an elective c-section, so I breezed right by all those videos and am so glad I did! LMAO!

vanilla said...

Fortunately, my kids were born in an era such that when I asked the Dr. if I could be in the delivery room (how avant garde!) he replied, The last thing I need in the delivery room is a dad. I never even asked on the next three.

But thanks for the "visual".

Nezzy said...

Probably not the best idea watchin' a birthin' video before you have fancied the experience yourself 'cause we know all rules go out the window durin' the process of labor and delivery. Kinda like Jekyll and Hyde. Heeehehehehe! Laughed my head of here. Thanks!!! :o)

God bless ya and have yourself the most beautiful day!!!

HalfAsstic.com said...

BWAHAHAHA! I hope you never let JohnnyMac see that thing!... Or is that why MiniMac has no younger siblings? ;-)

J.J. in L.A. said...

"ScaryFace McHairy"

Hahaha!!! Loved the description!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

You had some funny thoughts! Did you ever figure out where the mewing was coming from?

I watched every episode of TLC's birth story show that I could when I was pregnant. It was part of my intense preparation. I'm a weirdo though.

In my defense there was no "that's it baby" soundtrack.

Herding Cats said...

Pretty sure they should show that to every high schooler in the nation....just a thought.

Natalie said...

LOL!! I saw a very similar movie...very stupid thing to do before having a baby!

Yep, excellent form of birth control for sure!

Kristi Faith said...

AAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Absolutely HILARIOUS!

I'm Jamie said...

This would EASILY make my Top 10 Fav Posts list... if I had one ;)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I now understand why birthing was a private affair while the dads sat in the waiting room for the doctor to bring out the little crunyon. Then, the proud dad would pass out cigars while the mom is sitting there looking refreshed as if she gave birth to a lemon. Not!!! Thanks for the visual.

Mrs.Mayhem said...

You have such a way with words. Your descriptions are awesome! Love it!

Pres. Kathy said...

Too funny!

carma said...

GAH!!! How do they find the "actors" for the videos. I don't need my lady parts preserved for eternity on DVD.

DaisyGal said...

OMG, OMG, I'm sorry you have to watch it and then shared it with it. I didn't have to see it, but your very nice and articulate, wordful descriptions mean that I really HAVE....pass me that retina cream.

LOL...thank GAWD for my csection seriously.

Shanna said...

you are hysterical. Seriously, I almost died laughing reading this...

GREAT post as USUAL!!!!!

AmyLK said...

This was hilarious! I never saw a birthing vid before going into labor with Son. I had NO idea what to expect! But 3 hours and 2 exorcisms later, I had a beautiful baby boy! but I will never watch a birthing DVD.

What category is that under at Netflix? Never mind! I REALLy don't want to know!

Mighty M said...

Pregnant porn, huh? Didn't know there was such a market. :) I took a class and saw a similar video but ended up having a c-section, another one you definitely don't want on tape.

Jen said...

Wow :) You know, it never occurred to me to watch a video like that! I watched enough of a baby story on TLC to give me the general idea, and that was PLENTY. Some of those people are scary too (but I guess, anyone allowing a camera crew in there would have to be a little crazy...)

Emily said...

First-timers always make crazy mistakes like that! :) Did you end up watching all of it?

Jennifer said...

I couldn't stop watching Baby Story when I was pregnant either. But thankfully, they don't show that much gore/porn on that show. he he he. Yes, I agree this should be part of the high school health curriculum!!!

Holly said...

I think child birth is only magical and miraculous if you love the people involved. Hairy strangers from the 70's, not so much.