Birth Control

A friend is expecting and while she submerges herself in the book What to Expect When You are Expecting, she also shared her intent to watch one of the Childbirth DVDs. My face indicates multiple emotions and when she told me, I surely displayed a facial expression reading loudly and clearly: yikes.

Her: You don’t think it will be helpful?

Hmmm, let me contemplate if it might be helpful. If by helpful you mean it will likely cause your tummy to churn and eliminate any interest you have in s-e-x for several days, why yes, it might be helpful.

I am certain all Childbirth DVDs are not created equal. That deserves a hallelujah. Let me share a tidbit of experience I had while watching the birthing DVD I selected. 

First, it arrived via Netflix. When JMac saw it, he exclaimed, “Add this just after America’s Got Talent on the list of programming I shall never watch.”

Point taken. But is childbirth not a beautiful miracle to observe?

I was eight months pregnant, feeling calm and very grateful for my highly positive pregnancy experience. I thought if perhaps I learn some additional points about childbirth, the DVD would be worth the time.

The DVD opens with sound but no picture. It sounds like a great deal of heavy breathing followed by a man with a very high and bizarre voice saying things like, “Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it.” Repeat over and over for several minutes.

Then heavy breathing. And wait, is that mewing? 

I thought, “HOLD IT.” Did I get the wrong DVD? Because this sounds like a DVD in which they show me the steps taken to MAKE a baby. Not a DVD in which two people prepare for said baby to be born.

Then the couple comes into view. Or rather, her ladybits come into view. ALL of her ladybits. Is that a close up? Did this hospital not have a sheet or two? I am stunned at the visual assault. The camera pans out and I immediately scanned the room for the Partridge Family because clearly this was filmed in the mid-70’s. Is that Panchorello? The man was adorned in a peaceful smile, a psychedelic shirt, and giant hair. She was adorned in a facial expression similar to Poltergeist, her birthday suit, as well as giant hair. Everywhere.  Between the free love, the panting and mewing, and the lack of personal grooming, the only things missing in this scene were a tambourine, a magic bus, and some peyote.

More of this audio: Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it.

And then a chance to watch a woman in anguish. OH I get it, birthing a baby au natural is no gentle flitter of angel wings as you exclaim "That feels delightful" but must you show the twists of terror? NOT motivational. How do I quiet my uterus from shouting: Why are you even watching this!?!?!?!? Followed by : I HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW!

First thought: While childbirth is certainly a beautiful miracle to observe, I am not excited to witness ScaryFace McHairy and her man bring a wee one into the world. Even if that wee one comes out playing guitar like Hendrix.

Second thought: Where is the bleach for rinsing my retina???? 

Third thought: Absolutely no invitations will be extended to join us in the birthing room. 

Fourth thought: Remember when involved in next passionate moment with JMac to refrain from panting. Mewing. AND exclaiming Oh yes. OHHHHHH yes. That’s it, baby. That’s it for fear of laughter that will not end and will surely ruin mood.

Fifth thought: Oops, I just remember this DVD kills the urge for passionate moments. They should rename this video Free birth control.