Thursday, July 22, 2010

Well, bless my heart

I am now fully recovered and refreshed from my fabulous weekend in New York City where reasons to celebrate abounded. I am also off the delicious and ever so comfortable Cloud 9 after my Fox segment. Well, if not on Cloud 9, at least down to say, Cloud 5.  And I had a really phenomenal birthday, likely one of my top ten of my life. I hope the year ahead is spectacular. In honor of this year’s birthday, let’s me dish some advice in a different way. This is what I like to call Bless My Heart: The Early Years.

If you don’t take opportunities to look back and laugh at yourself, you should. Others are so join in the fun. 

Bless my heart in grade school: 

*That I let my Father talk me into getting the eyeglasses that automatically turned to dark tint when exposed to sun. Those were hideous. Coupled with the fact they were comparable in size to a windshield, I looked like Mr. Magoo. Or a very, very tall fly.

*That I overheard my brother and his friends talking about a girl they knew and later relayed to our Mom, "Tumble said X was giving people Valentines Day." Our Mom was perplexed.  Actually he said VD but I thought VD stood for Valentines Day.  

*For winning the all-school Spelling Bee the very same week I started a food fight in the cafeteria.  

Bless my heart in Junior High:

*That a boy asked me if I knew how to French kiss to which I replied No. He then laughed at me. To which I said, “Don’t be stupid. You know I am not French.” 

*That I opted to enter our school talent show doing a lip sync of Madonna’s Holiday with bangles and hair to match. And I had the best dance moves. Oh, what else did I add? The pelvic thrust. In front of the entire school. I think my parents did a prayer that night : Please don’t let our daughter grow up to be a stripper.

*That I, along with a big group of friends, opted to go skinny-dipping in a river in our town only to lose my shoes. When I got home that night my Mom asked me why I came home barefoot. I gave her the baffled look.
Her: Let me be specific, where are your shoes?
Me: I don’t know.
Her: Really? They simply disappeared off your feet?
Me: More or less?
Refusal to budge on my part ended that conversation. Who won in the end? Her. Why? They were my favorite jelly shoes and when I requested more, I was politely declined. How did she win without ever knowing she won? I HATED skinny-dipping and attempted to cover myself with blades of grass and leaves. I also didn't skinny-dip again.  (for a very LONG time.)

*That I attempted to sneak a puff off a cigarette left nestled in an ashtray by my Aunt Suzie while she was on the phone. Little did I know, at night time, when the world is dark yet the dining room lights are fully blazing, the dining room windows act like mirrors. So while her back may have been turned, she saw the whole situation in the giant recording device called reflective glass. Double bless it that when she asked me if I tried it, I responded with, “ I am not sure what you mean.” Nevermind smoke was coming out of my mouth and nose like Puff the very NOT SO Magical Dragon.  

Bless my heart in High School:
 

*For playing Spin the Bottle at my own house and thinking that somehow my parents would not know what was going on. How did they solve the mystery? By coming into our Family Room  and seeing me deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party and a plastic bottle in the middle of the floor. What is awesome? NOT having your parents seeing you deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party. Ever. Double bless it that I clearly figured out French kissing by this time.

*That I elected to wear my boyfriend’s Letterman jacket around. Everywhere. Never mind it was about 32 sizes too big. And I looked like a tiny head stuck in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Float of School Spirit. 

*That my girlfriends and I met these super hot college guys one summer. Not to give the impression we were too immature for them, we lie and say we were in college. (Nothing says maturity like a huge lie about your age BTW) and when one of them asks us how many hours we are taking, we say "SEVEN" because that is how many periods are in typical high school students day. NICE WORK. Now they are not merely deterred because you are liars and under-age, they are deterred because you appear lazy and stupid. 

*Being in the back of my Dad’s truck and canopy with all of my cheer squad and shrieking so loudly we almost cause my Dad to drive off the road because a man pulled up next to the truck and was clearly stroking  his monkey. Well, not really stroking. More like strangling with committed enthusiasm. Once we were all calmed down, my Father asked what had happened. "What do you mean?" I asked. He wanted to know if the man just pulled up next to us out of the blue. Ummm, well, hmmm. How do I say this. We were actually…umm..mooning people on the freeway? First rule of how to attract perverts: Be a high school cheerleader, in uniform, and pull your pants down while on the freeway and flash your butts like you are auditioning for Porky's. Or American Pie. CLASSY. How to turn your parents' hair gray: Tell them what you did.

Bless. my. heart. And not in the good way.

58 comments:

A Daft Scots Lass said...

You were a cheerleader? wicked cool!

My name is PJ. said...

So incredibly funny, JennyMac! You were a character from a very early age.


Happy Belated Birthday!!

Simply Suthern said...

Well Bless your parents hearts for letting you grow up.

The fad on the team bus at school when I was there was the Flop Hooter. I'll let you guess on that one.

Slamdunk said...

Your life adventures sound more and more like a great movie. Now about the rating that would be assigned...

Slamdunk said...

Your life adventures sound more and more like a great movie. Now about the rating that would be assigned...

AmyLK said...

What a colorful childhood you had! Thanks for sharing! So glad you enjoyed your B-day!

Dumbwit Tellher said...

How we lived in the same small town & I never saw photos or read stories about your shinnanigans in the Snoh.Tribune or Evt Herald? Hilarious Jenny, I'm sure SHS or perhaps the Pilchuck River will never be the same. A happy belated birthday to you my dear. So happy it was in the top 10!! xx

Liza said...

You always leave me laughing. Happy Birthday. I didn't get a trip to NY, but I did get breakfast in bed from my 16-year-old on my b-day today. Wait until MiniMac does this for you. It's a life highlight!

Intense Guy said...

I want to hear more about the skinny-dipping (and about when you did it again).

I don't remember the last time I went chunky dunking.

Maria said...

Damn, JennyMac...Did you have to go there with the glasses? I owned a pair with eternally GREEN tints that obviously had some reason why I was a social pariah.
However, I would like to think that U2's Bono completely stole the look in the early '90's when he was the Fly. Avant-garde, no?

Will Burke said...

I had those tinting glasses too, and hated them! In several HS pics, I look like I'm in ELO, 15 years too late!

SmartBear said...

LOL! Oh, wow! Happy Birthday to you. I would have liked you in high school! :)
Best,
Tina

Shop Girl* said...

Hahahah oh my... I wish I could have known you in high school...

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

laughing so hard. Oh my word. Your parents must have had many heart attacks.

Caty said...

"strangling with committed enthusiasm" made me bust out laughing at work...Not a very good way to be reading blogs incognito :) These are hilarious memories...glad you shared!

TKW said...

Let me guess--your parents have snow-white hair!! I'm laughing! Especially love the seven hours! SO busted!

Kimi said...

Ohhh I wore my boyfriends letter jacket, which was a horrible idea for many reasons including that we did not attend the same school...and his school colors were YELLOW and BLUE. ICK

Aging Mommy said...

Happy Birthday. So if mini-Mac takes after Mommy looks like you have plenty of interesting years and revelations ahead of you :-)

DaisyGal said...

OMG, I may NEVER STOP LAUGHING..seriously..Little Jacob (who is home sick today..) just came in and said "Mommy , you ok? ) I couldn't even answer.

are you SURE we weren't twins in a former life..seriously???? :)

Babes Mami said...

Jenny Mac! My post today was about the true meaning of bless your heart...hilarious!

Marcy said...

I seriously envy people with memories like yours. What a gift!

The Boob Nazi said...

OH MY GOSH. I totally had those glasses that turned dark, too. What were our parents thinking?!?

Kristina P. said...

I totally had those glasses too!

Sadly, it took me longer than you to learn how to French Kiss.

Ed said...

How refreshing to know that your expert lying ability started before law school.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

LOL. I can always count on your wonderfully humorous posts to lift my spirits!

Your poor parents! Bless them..they had their hands full. But I'm sure they wouldn't have had it any other way. :o)

Allyson & Jere said...

Those glasses should be outlawed! I'm sorry you had to suffer the grossatude (totally just made THAT word up) of wearing them.

Your adventures were a hoot. Once I had the misfortune of looking over from the tall truck I was driving to witness a "lady" giving her man a BJ while she was nearly naked herself. AS THEY WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. It was disturbing to say the least.

Love how you can tell so many in such a concise way. Apparently I need to figur it out.

Eva Gallant said...

Mooning people, skinny dipping! you were a devil! lol

Eva Gallant said...

Mooning people, skinny dipping! you were a devil! lol

Kristen said...

Thanks for the laughs! I had many similar experiences growing up!

M-Cat said...

And today, I am thankful that I did NOT have to raise any girls. The boys were enough. If I had to deal with a gaggle of cheerleaders - I might have slit my wrists!

Dumblond said...

This post should be retitled "How I Almost Drove My Parents Into An Early Grave". Maybe not though...I think I'll have that as a title for an upcoming post...
At least the letterman jacket belonged to your boyfriend. When I got mine, I intentionally got it five sizes too big. It is the one thing I can wear today that I wore in high school...and now I'm depressed.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

All your replies are so diplomatic..."I am not sure what you mean..."

Love it. Hilarious. Best post I've read today.

Matty said...

I love how you seemed to think that you could outwit your parents during the "deny everything" conversations. LOL

Your stories always seem to demonstrate how wise your parents were. God bless your children ever trying to get away with something around you. You'll be onto all their "angles".

Pricilla said...

Reflections on the past can only enhance the present, eh?

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

Too funny! Bless MY little heart for asking my first boyfriend: "So are we gonna like..kiss now?" It was my first smooch (and I was 17!!!) and I just wanted to get it OVA with! Lame.

shortmama said...

How on earth did your parents survive?! The same way mine did Im sure

MammaDucky said...

I kept my miniature giant lens glasses that auto darkened in sunlight. They are in a Hello Kitty suitcase in my closet. My father also convinced me that those would be awesome.
Of special note: I didn't actually end up needing glasses in the first place. Bless my heart for getting an eye exam at Walmart.

J.J. said...

I only go skinny-dipping when I know everyone is going to be out of town. And finding that out is a MAJOR chore when you have a family as big as mine, who likes to show up without notice. I usually spend an hour on the phone, asking where everyone is going to be on such-and-such day.

My brothers mooned a car full of girls after a h.s. event, only to find out later that a female cousin was part of the group (and who was the one who told our mom).

Christiejolu said...

I am LMAO at the VD one...HAHAHAHA!

Jennifer said...

So you didn't develop the shiny silver cojones over time, then. Apparently must be in the genes. :)

DeNae said...

OK, Jenny, this was one of my favorites. So cute! I especially loved the "No, I'm not smoking" fib and the "mooning the pervs" fiasco. You absolutely kill me.

(BTW, I tried to find your interview on Fox's web site, but I think I'm looking in the wrong place. Suggestions?)

Aunt Becky said...

I REMEMBER THOSE GLASSES!

I never owned any (THANK YOU BABY JESUS), but I remember those and damns were they awesome. And by awesome, I mean awful.

Emily said...

Mooning people on the freeway...oh, JennyMac, JennyMac! shame shame! ;)

And VD? Bwhahahahahaha!

Ms. Salti said...

Happy Birthday girl!

Bless your heart! I love that phrase... especially after spending so much time in the South!

I laughed out loud at the smoke coming out of your nose... nice form!

I got stuck in Hotlanta last Monday... I'm just now realizing we should have gotten coffee! Not that you probably live ANYWHERE near the airport!

Elz said...

I love your description of the letterman jacket. Awesome.

Myya said...

Ahhhhh you took me back... those days were SO MUCH FUN!
Of course I hope my girls are not even an ounce as michievious as my husband or I was!!!

nmaha said...

Poor parents. Did you really put them through all that?

Writing Without Periods! said...

Great post. Have a great weekend.
Mary

Shanna said...

you are so freaking funny. This is awesome.

kate @sweet cricket stationery said...

oh gosh, i just stumbled on your blog and it made me smile. I can relate to so many of the junior high and high school anecdotes! what were we thinking!?!?!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

So funny and very relatable!

Oh, and I watched your segment on the Fox website and it was really great! You were so well-spoken and really made your point in a clear and intelligent way (and I totally agreed with you, too btw). What an honor to get to do something like that!

Tropical Mum said...

She was giving everyone Valentines Day--classic!

Thanks for the laugh today.

susan said...

Can't believe I missed you on tv--I ususally watch that show. Congratulations!! Glad you had a great trip. For clarification: The college boys were not deterred BECAUSE they were college boys and a small thing like being a minor would not deter them--bless their little hearts!

Kristin said...

DUDE. Very bad mental picture. Ah ha ha

hotpants™ said...

I had tinted glasses too. I'm still scarred.

I also won my schools's spelling bee. It's one of my proudest moments.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Happy happy birthday!!!! Mine was yesterday, so I have it on good authority that July babies are awesome.

Thanks for the laugh and the walk down memory lane!

Cheers,
J

Erin said...

I think the cheerleader part at the end is the best...loved this post. Happy Birthday!

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

Awesome. Just awesome. The last one was my favorite!