If you don’t take opportunities to look back and laugh at yourself, you should. Others are so join in the fun.
Bless my heart in grade school:
*That I let my Father talk me into getting the eyeglasses that automatically turned to dark tint when exposed to sun. Those were hideous. Coupled with the fact they were comparable in size to a windshield, I looked like Mr. Magoo. Or a very, very tall fly.
*That I overheard my brother and his friends talking about a girl they knew and later relayed to our Mom, "Tumble said X was giving people Valentines Day." Our Mom was perplexed. Actually he said VD but I thought VD stood for Valentines Day.
*For winning the all-school Spelling Bee the very same week I started a food fight in the cafeteria.
Bless my heart in Junior High:
*That a boy asked me if I knew how to French kiss to which I replied No. He then laughed at me. To which I said, “Don’t be stupid. You know I am not French.”
*That I opted to enter our school talent show doing a lip sync of Madonna’s Holiday with bangles and hair to match. And I had the best dance moves. Oh, what else did I add? The pelvic thrust. In front of the entire school. I think my parents did a prayer that night : Please don’t let our daughter grow up to be a stripper.
*That I, along with a big group of friends, opted to go skinny-dipping in a river in our town only to lose my shoes. When I got home that night my Mom asked me why I came home barefoot. I gave her the baffled look.
Her: Let me be specific, where are your shoes?
Me: I don’t know.
Her: Really? They simply disappeared off your feet?
Me: More or less?
Refusal to budge on my part ended that conversation. Who won in the end? Her. Why? They were my favorite jelly shoes and when I requested more, I was politely declined. How did she win without ever knowing she won? I HATED skinny-dipping and attempted to cover myself with blades of grass and leaves. I also didn't skinny-dip again. (for a very LONG time.)
*That I attempted to sneak a puff off a cigarette left nestled in an ashtray by my Aunt Suzie while she was on the phone. Little did I know, at night time, when the world is dark yet the dining room lights are fully blazing, the dining room windows act like mirrors. So while her back may have been turned, she saw the whole situation in the giant recording device called reflective glass. Double bless it that when she asked me if I tried it, I responded with, “ I am not sure what you mean.” Nevermind smoke was coming out of my mouth and nose like Puff the very NOT SO Magical Dragon.
Bless my heart in High School:
*That I attempted to sneak a puff off a cigarette left nestled in an ashtray by my Aunt Suzie while she was on the phone. Little did I know, at night time, when the world is dark yet the dining room lights are fully blazing, the dining room windows act like mirrors. So while her back may have been turned, she saw the whole situation in the giant recording device called reflective glass. Double bless it that when she asked me if I tried it, I responded with, “ I am not sure what you mean.” Nevermind smoke was coming out of my mouth and nose like Puff the very NOT SO Magical Dragon.
Bless my heart in High School:
*For playing Spin the Bottle at my own house and thinking that somehow my parents would not know what was going on. How did they solve the mystery? By coming into our Family Room and seeing me deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party and a plastic bottle in the middle of the floor. What is awesome? NOT having your parents seeing you deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party. Ever. Double bless it that I clearly figured out French kissing by this time.
*That I elected to wear my boyfriend’s Letterman jacket around. Everywhere. Never mind it was about 32 sizes too big. And I looked like a tiny head stuck in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Float of School Spirit.
*That my girlfriends and I met these super hot college guys one summer. Not to give the impression we were too immature for them, we lie and say we were in college. (Nothing says maturity like a huge lie about your age BTW) and when one of them asks us how many hours we are taking, we say "SEVEN" because that is how many periods are in typical high school students day. NICE WORK. Now they are not merely deterred because you are liars and under-age, they are deterred because you appear lazy and stupid.
*Being in the back of my Dad’s truck and canopy with all of my cheer squad and shrieking so loudly we almost cause my Dad to drive off the road because a man pulled up next to the truck and was clearly stroking his monkey. Well, not really stroking. More like strangling with committed enthusiasm. Once we were all calmed down, my Father asked what had happened. "What do you mean?" I asked. He wanted to know if the man just pulled up next to us out of the blue. Ummm, well, hmmm. How do I say this. We were actually…umm..mooning people on the freeway? First rule of how to attract perverts: Be a high school cheerleader, in uniform, and pull your pants down while on the freeway and flash your butts like you are auditioning for Porky's. Or American Pie. CLASSY. How to turn your parents' hair gray: Tell them what you did.
Bless. my. heart. And not in the good way.
Bless. my. heart. And not in the good way.
57 comments:
You were a cheerleader? wicked cool!
So incredibly funny, JennyMac! You were a character from a very early age.
Happy Belated Birthday!!
Well Bless your parents hearts for letting you grow up.
The fad on the team bus at school when I was there was the Flop Hooter. I'll let you guess on that one.
Your life adventures sound more and more like a great movie. Now about the rating that would be assigned...
Your life adventures sound more and more like a great movie. Now about the rating that would be assigned...
What a colorful childhood you had! Thanks for sharing! So glad you enjoyed your B-day!
How we lived in the same small town & I never saw photos or read stories about your shinnanigans in the Snoh.Tribune or Evt Herald? Hilarious Jenny, I'm sure SHS or perhaps the Pilchuck River will never be the same. A happy belated birthday to you my dear. So happy it was in the top 10!! xx
You always leave me laughing. Happy Birthday. I didn't get a trip to NY, but I did get breakfast in bed from my 16-year-old on my b-day today. Wait until MiniMac does this for you. It's a life highlight!
I want to hear more about the skinny-dipping (and about when you did it again).
I don't remember the last time I went chunky dunking.
Damn, JennyMac...Did you have to go there with the glasses? I owned a pair with eternally GREEN tints that obviously had some reason why I was a social pariah.
However, I would like to think that U2's Bono completely stole the look in the early '90's when he was the Fly. Avant-garde, no?
I had those tinting glasses too, and hated them! In several HS pics, I look like I'm in ELO, 15 years too late!
LOL! Oh, wow! Happy Birthday to you. I would have liked you in high school! :)
Best,
Tina
Hahahah oh my... I wish I could have known you in high school...
laughing so hard. Oh my word. Your parents must have had many heart attacks.
"strangling with committed enthusiasm" made me bust out laughing at work...Not a very good way to be reading blogs incognito :) These are hilarious memories...glad you shared!
Let me guess--your parents have snow-white hair!! I'm laughing! Especially love the seven hours! SO busted!
Ohhh I wore my boyfriends letter jacket, which was a horrible idea for many reasons including that we did not attend the same school...and his school colors were YELLOW and BLUE. ICK
Happy Birthday. So if mini-Mac takes after Mommy looks like you have plenty of interesting years and revelations ahead of you :-)
OMG, I may NEVER STOP LAUGHING..seriously..Little Jacob (who is home sick today..) just came in and said "Mommy , you ok? ) I couldn't even answer.
are you SURE we weren't twins in a former life..seriously???? :)
Jenny Mac! My post today was about the true meaning of bless your heart...hilarious!
I seriously envy people with memories like yours. What a gift!
OH MY GOSH. I totally had those glasses that turned dark, too. What were our parents thinking?!?
I totally had those glasses too!
Sadly, it took me longer than you to learn how to French Kiss.
How refreshing to know that your expert lying ability started before law school.
LOL. I can always count on your wonderfully humorous posts to lift my spirits!
Your poor parents! Bless them..they had their hands full. But I'm sure they wouldn't have had it any other way. :o)
Those glasses should be outlawed! I'm sorry you had to suffer the grossatude (totally just made THAT word up) of wearing them.
Your adventures were a hoot. Once I had the misfortune of looking over from the tall truck I was driving to witness a "lady" giving her man a BJ while she was nearly naked herself. AS THEY WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. It was disturbing to say the least.
Love how you can tell so many in such a concise way. Apparently I need to figur it out.
Mooning people, skinny dipping! you were a devil! lol
Mooning people, skinny dipping! you were a devil! lol
Thanks for the laughs! I had many similar experiences growing up!
And today, I am thankful that I did NOT have to raise any girls. The boys were enough. If I had to deal with a gaggle of cheerleaders - I might have slit my wrists!
This post should be retitled "How I Almost Drove My Parents Into An Early Grave". Maybe not though...I think I'll have that as a title for an upcoming post...
At least the letterman jacket belonged to your boyfriend. When I got mine, I intentionally got it five sizes too big. It is the one thing I can wear today that I wore in high school...and now I'm depressed.
I love how you seemed to think that you could outwit your parents during the "deny everything" conversations. LOL
Your stories always seem to demonstrate how wise your parents were. God bless your children ever trying to get away with something around you. You'll be onto all their "angles".
Reflections on the past can only enhance the present, eh?
Too funny! Bless MY little heart for asking my first boyfriend: "So are we gonna like..kiss now?" It was my first smooch (and I was 17!!!) and I just wanted to get it OVA with! Lame.
How on earth did your parents survive?! The same way mine did Im sure
I kept my miniature giant lens glasses that auto darkened in sunlight. They are in a Hello Kitty suitcase in my closet. My father also convinced me that those would be awesome.
Of special note: I didn't actually end up needing glasses in the first place. Bless my heart for getting an eye exam at Walmart.
I only go skinny-dipping when I know everyone is going to be out of town. And finding that out is a MAJOR chore when you have a family as big as mine, who likes to show up without notice. I usually spend an hour on the phone, asking where everyone is going to be on such-and-such day.
My brothers mooned a car full of girls after a h.s. event, only to find out later that a female cousin was part of the group (and who was the one who told our mom).
I am LMAO at the VD one...HAHAHAHA!
So you didn't develop the shiny silver cojones over time, then. Apparently must be in the genes. :)
OK, Jenny, this was one of my favorites. So cute! I especially loved the "No, I'm not smoking" fib and the "mooning the pervs" fiasco. You absolutely kill me.
(BTW, I tried to find your interview on Fox's web site, but I think I'm looking in the wrong place. Suggestions?)
I REMEMBER THOSE GLASSES!
I never owned any (THANK YOU BABY JESUS), but I remember those and damns were they awesome. And by awesome, I mean awful.
Mooning people on the freeway...oh, JennyMac, JennyMac! shame shame! ;)
And VD? Bwhahahahahaha!
Happy Birthday girl!
Bless your heart! I love that phrase... especially after spending so much time in the South!
I laughed out loud at the smoke coming out of your nose... nice form!
I got stuck in Hotlanta last Monday... I'm just now realizing we should have gotten coffee! Not that you probably live ANYWHERE near the airport!
I love your description of the letterman jacket. Awesome.
Ahhhhh you took me back... those days were SO MUCH FUN!
Of course I hope my girls are not even an ounce as michievious as my husband or I was!!!
Poor parents. Did you really put them through all that?
Great post. Have a great weekend.
Mary
you are so freaking funny. This is awesome.
oh gosh, i just stumbled on your blog and it made me smile. I can relate to so many of the junior high and high school anecdotes! what were we thinking!?!?!
So funny and very relatable!
Oh, and I watched your segment on the Fox website and it was really great! You were so well-spoken and really made your point in a clear and intelligent way (and I totally agreed with you, too btw). What an honor to get to do something like that!
She was giving everyone Valentines Day--classic!
Thanks for the laugh today.
Can't believe I missed you on tv--I ususally watch that show. Congratulations!! Glad you had a great trip. For clarification: The college boys were not deterred BECAUSE they were college boys and a small thing like being a minor would not deter them--bless their little hearts!
DUDE. Very bad mental picture. Ah ha ha
I had tinted glasses too. I'm still scarred.
I also won my schools's spelling bee. It's one of my proudest moments.
Happy happy birthday!!!! Mine was yesterday, so I have it on good authority that July babies are awesome.
Thanks for the laugh and the walk down memory lane!
Cheers,
J
I think the cheerleader part at the end is the best...loved this post. Happy Birthday!
Awesome. Just awesome. The last one was my favorite!
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