Well, bless my heart

I am now fully recovered and refreshed from my fabulous weekend in New York City where reasons to celebrate abounded. I am also off the delicious and ever so comfortable Cloud 9 after my Fox segment. Well, if not on Cloud 9, at least down to say, Cloud 5.  And I had a really phenomenal birthday, likely one of my top ten of my life. I hope the year ahead is spectacular. In honor of this year’s birthday, let’s me dish some advice in a different way. This is what I like to call Bless My Heart: The Early Years.

If you don’t take opportunities to look back and laugh at yourself, you should. Others are so join in the fun. 

Bless my heart in grade school: 

*That I let my Father talk me into getting the eyeglasses that automatically turned to dark tint when exposed to sun. Those were hideous. Coupled with the fact they were comparable in size to a windshield, I looked like Mr. Magoo. Or a very, very tall fly.

*That I overheard my brother and his friends talking about a girl they knew and later relayed to our Mom, "Tumble said X was giving people Valentines Day." Our Mom was perplexed.  Actually he said VD but I thought VD stood for Valentines Day.  

*For winning the all-school Spelling Bee the very same week I started a food fight in the cafeteria.  

Bless my heart in Junior High:

*That a boy asked me if I knew how to French kiss to which I replied No. He then laughed at me. To which I said, “Don’t be stupid. You know I am not French.” 

*That I opted to enter our school talent show doing a lip sync of Madonna’s Holiday with bangles and hair to match. And I had the best dance moves. Oh, what else did I add? The pelvic thrust. In front of the entire school. I think my parents did a prayer that night : Please don’t let our daughter grow up to be a stripper.

*That I, along with a big group of friends, opted to go skinny-dipping in a river in our town only to lose my shoes. When I got home that night my Mom asked me why I came home barefoot. I gave her the baffled look.

Her: Let me be specific, where are your shoes?

Me: I don’t know.

Her: Really? They simply disappeared off your feet?

Me: More or less?

Refusal to budge on my part ended that conversation. Who won in the end? Her. Why? They were my favorite jelly shoes and when I requested more, I was politely declined. How did she win without ever knowing she won? I HATED skinny-dipping and attempted to cover myself with blades of grass and leaves. I also didn't skinny-dip again.  (for a very LONG time.)

*That I attempted to sneak a puff off a cigarette left nestled in an ashtray by my Aunt Suzie while she was on the phone. Little did I know, at night time, when the world is dark yet the dining room lights are fully blazing, the dining room windows act like mirrors. So while her back may have been turned, she saw the whole situation in the giant recording device called reflective glass. Double bless it that when she asked me if I tried it, I responded with, “ I am not sure what you mean.” Nevermind smoke was coming out of my mouth and nose like Puff the very NOT SO Magical Dragon.  

Bless my heart in High School:

 

*For playing Spin the Bottle at my own house and thinking that somehow my parents would not know what was going on. How did they solve the mystery? By coming into our Family Room  and seeing me deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party and a plastic bottle in the middle of the floor. What is awesome? NOT having your parents seeing you deeply engaged in a teen-age make out party. Ever. Double bless it that I clearly figured out French kissing by this time.

*That I elected to wear my boyfriend’s Letterman jacket around. Everywhere. Never mind it was about 32 sizes too big. And I looked like a tiny head stuck in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Float of School Spirit. 

*That my girlfriends and I met these super hot college guys one summer. Not to give the impression we were too immature for them, we lie and say we were in college. (Nothing says maturity like a huge lie about your age BTW) and when one of them asks us how many hours we are taking, we say "SEVEN" because that is how many periods are in typical high school students day. NICE WORK. Now they are not merely deterred because you are liars and under-age, they are deterred because you appear lazy and stupid. 

*Being in the back of my Dad’s truck and canopy with all of my cheer squad and shrieking so loudly we almost cause my Dad to drive off the road because a man pulled up next to the truck and was clearly stroking  his monkey. Well, not really stroking. More like strangling with committed enthusiasm. Once we were all calmed down, my Father asked what had happened. "What do you mean?" I asked. He wanted to know if the man just pulled up next to us out of the blue. Ummm, well, hmmm. How do I say this. We were actually…umm..mooning people on the freeway? First rule of how to attract perverts: Be a high school cheerleader, in uniform, and pull your pants down while on the freeway and flash your butts like you are auditioning for Porky's. Or American Pie. CLASSY. How to turn your parents' hair gray: Tell them what you did.

Bless. my. heart. And not in the good way.