Monday, July 12, 2010

I am neither Thelma nor Louise

One night during undergrad, the shrill unwelcome telephone ringing disturbs our sleep. My then-boyfriend, CCB, fumbles for the phone. It is his Mom. She is hysterical and needs us to drive over to his little sister’s house. Through her staccato speech, we are able to glean the following:

CCB's parents, who lived in KC, received a phone call from a stranger claiming to have their daughter, K. They had tried calling K multiple times but the line was busy. They attempted to have the Operator break through the line (remember when that was an option?) with no success. After calling the local police, they called us. K and her husband, B., lived three miles away from us so we dress immediately and depart. As I am leaving, I also put my handgun into my bag.

As the child of a police officer, I have been shooting on a police range since age 12. I have logged countless hours of target practice. At age 16, my Father presented me with my first handgun and the 100 rules associated with owning one. My Mom would not allow me to have it in the house. Period. When I left for college, I clearly could not have it and live in a sorority but when I moved into my own apartment, it came too.

And in a moment of potential danger, my natural instinct was to take the gun with me. Would my Father endorse this plan? Hard to say. When is a good time to ask? Not in the middle of the night when you are shacked up with your boyfriend. 

We took a short cut and pulled in the street behind their house. We approached the house like Stacy Sheridan and TJ Hooker. I slid the backdoor open seeing no one and crept into the house, gun in hand. Coming around the stairs to the main living room we saw no one but heard voices in the bedroom. He opens the door and I go in with gun in hand. Staring back at us are K. and B. and two uniformed police officers. They don’t even have time to shout “drop the weapon” before I moved out of the way. K. asks what in the world we are doing there.

We catch our breath and relay the story of the phone call and for some reason, this produces laughter from them as well as the officers. We are churned up by the circumstances and cannot make the connection between kidnapping, guns, and laughter.

Luckily, this was a college town with very little hard crime. It was also a less violent time period than now. And police officers in the Midwest likely exposed their children to hand guns at a young age too. Otherwise, I very well could have been shot.  Deep breath, Annie Oakley.

K. explains. The phone call to the parents? Purely random prank call. The reason the phone was busy? They were on the internet. We all had dial up at that time. The reason they were laughing? Because when the police arrived, they didn’t answer the doorbell. So the police kicked in the front door. We didn’t see police cars or kicked in doors because we came in the back. When the police heard no response, they searched rooms. To discover K and B mid-coitus. What was on the internet? Porn.

The only thing worse than being hopped up on adrenaline, playing out a live scene from Hill Street Blues, toting a firearm into a room with two police officers is being a man and wife getting down to your frisky business during a porn bonanza and having two police officers kick your door down and point guns at you. 

PS: How awful must it have been to watch porn on DIAL UP? 

And then we knew why it was so funny. At least funny to all of us present yet not a bit funny to the parents.

Luckily this story had a good if slightly saucy ending. And I can confirm  nothing like this has happened since. I am neither Thelma nor Louise.

68 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Roflmbo that was priceless although I am sure her parents made her wish she had really been kidnapped. At least for a few hours that night

Simone said...

Great story JennyMac!!

The whole gun issue is very different here in the UK....but I can totally imagine you with one and....imagine you sneaking into someone's house in the middle of the night.....I can almost picture it..and there's not a lot of people I can say that about!! You seem like the type of girl who could kick a door down and arrest someone single-handed if necessary. I - clearly - could not!! LOL!

Thanks for the book recommendations - I have ordered one and already have the other. I have added them to my list :)

Have a great week! xo

Inge' said...

At least the parents called the police. i on the other hand, have been know to just go busting in my self with no thought of calling anyone.

Since i don't own a gun, I carry by handy baseball bat. I am not as fast as a bullet but I am definitely as accurate!

No, I cannot imagine watching porn on dial up!! The thought of waiting for it to load just cracks me up!

JadeLD said...

Haha that is so funny - why do these hilarious things happen to you? You make me feel very normal. Still can't imagine what it would be like to live in a country where you can have a handgun though - that's like something out of a movie to me - a scary movie!

Glad you weren't shot too!
Jade

Matty said...

I would imagine that any boyfriend you had who knew you carried a gun, was on his best behavior. I would imagine.

And I cannot imagine having the police suddenly storming their way into my "interlude". But I can imagine the instant loss of interest in sex.

This sounds like a perfect storyline for a B movie.

Shrinky said...

I hope the parents shot the prankster (I would have)? Ye Gods, what a thing to do to the poor folk! But yeah, it sure made for a funny tale, thanks for making me laugh.

Slamdunk said...

Now that is impressive.

I mean you armed confronting danger not the dial-up Internet porn viewing thing.

Chez Zizi said...

I can only imagine...Buffering... isn't that what it used to say when loading? Not a good thing,but funny. I can't imagine being the one to relay the story to said parents. Very funny as usual.
Zizette

Simply Suthern said...

"That's right boys. I'm Pack'in." Lmao, Well everyone knows who to call when the going gets rough.

I've had a couple, "Scuze me while I whoop this out" episodes as well. While I am still around to tell about it they never turned out quite as well as yours.

I bet your friends are happy to have broadband internet now. LOL.

Jeanne said...

I was just reading, in a Malcolm Gladwell book, about how having a high pulse rate and an adrenaline rush makes it really difficult to accurately process what you're seeing. Your experience aligns very nicely with what he described.

Except in his example an innocent man got drilled into swiss cheese, and the only drilling in your story was between K and her husband.

Babes Mami said...

Ahhh dial up...that would have been awful!

MommaAmma said...

What an exciting night! Nothing like this ever happens to me!

Yep, definitely something up with Midwesterners and guns. I keep one at my side while I work all day. You know, in case the mailman or meter reader end up being serial killers. I blame shows like Criminal Minds.

vanilla said...

So nowadays you wear an itty-bitty derringer strapped to your thigh?

I love that you make me laugh on Monday morning.

Maria said...

Good God! Dial up internet, operator break throughs, TJ Hooker! Talk about a blast from the past.

I can only imagine the look of horror/disgust in K's parents as they heard the story. I think sticking to the kidnapping story might have been better for all involved....

TKW said...

Now THAT is a story. What did she tell her mom?

Intense Guy said...

I *could* tell you about how awful it was to watch dial-up porn...

Linda @ A La Carte said...

What a visual you have painted for us! So glad the cops were cool! Her Mom must have been relieved and VERY PISSED OFF!

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG JM, I adore you. Your dad rocks, too. I introduced The Teen (now almost 16) to that world at 12 years old (in the proper training setting of course) and we both own firearms. Mine fits nicely in my hand but the one I really want packs a lot more firepower. It will wait until both of my kids are old enough to be responsible.

I can totally see you taking care of business... and what a great story. I'm with the rest of your commenters - why do these things never happen to US?? :)

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

oh now that was a good Monday morning giggle.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my...what a series of events!!!
internet porn? busted.

Herding Cats said...

That's the kind of story you'll just never forget....

Allyson & Jere said...

Who does that? Prank calls their parents with kidnapping claims. WHO DOES THAT? WOW! Certainly glad you didn't have to pop a cap in anyones ass. That could have proved even MORE embarassing than looking at porn on dial up internet, doing the mambo AND having the police show up in the middle. Yeah, that definitely would have been more embarassing.

Really? Who DOES that?

DaisyGal said...

I LOVE a story like that...
you can't make that stuff up!!!! CLASSIC!!!

thanks for the monday giggle!!!!!
<3

Kristina P. said...

Holy cow! If I were her parents, I would have disowned her for life.

Jen said...

Porn on dial up!?! You have got to be kidding me. You should at least up a movie in. ;)

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I have been reading you in my reader (typically on my phone) for awhile, ever since Theta Mom introduced me to your blog. I look forward to your posts and usually read them in the morning over a cup of coffee before I get my son off to preschool and my daughter wakes up. I love your blog, but am terrible with commenting, but I had to get on here so I could retweet this today. Your way of telling stories are always insightful, amusing, and perfectly written. And this one is simply hysterical!

Thank you for your writing.

M-Cat said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever heard!

Brian Miller said...

oh my...i think by the end of the night...if i was them...i might have had intimacy issues the rest of my life...hilarious!

The Boob Nazi said...

hahaha I would DIE if that happened to me.

Writing Without Periods! said...

Love this post. I'm thinking about getting a gun...maybe not!! Oh, and thanks for making me think of a young Brad Pitt on this boring Monday morning.
Mary

Helene said...

Oh Lordy...what were the chances of her parents getting a random prank call the same exact night she and her hubby decided to watch some porn and do the nasty??

Pricilla said...

That sure was some interuptus

Mary said...

What a delightful recounting of a funny story. I'm glad no one was hurt. Have a great day. Blessings...MAry

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Seriously, you've got to be making some of this stuff up. How can one girl have such an exciting colorful life? You are too lucky!

HalfAsstic.com said...

And I bet K never lived that down. I mean, how could anyone let her? Too good!

Erin said...

I am cracking up at Pricilla's comment above---

What a fun read, especially with your commentary. You are quite the storyteller, JM.

You also appear to have lots of KC connections, not limited to MarciaGarcia!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, and on some list somewhere, this is probably the number one reason porn is bad for you! ;-)

Melissa said...

Wow! You are very brave. Thanks for the laugh!

Eva Gallant said...

Now there's a tale for posterity! lol

AmyLK said...

You go girl! Sounds like a fun evening, even with porn on Dial up.

Joann Mannix said...

That is one of the most amazing tales I've ever read. It just kept getting better with each line.

That is definitely one for the memory books all right. Wow.

And on a more serious note, my husband is a gun enthusiast and experienced marksman. He has every license known to man and has taught each and every one of our daughters the rigid rules of gun safety and how to shoot a weapon with extreme efficiency. Our oldest girl is in college and yes, cannot have a gun on campus. But she will be toting, as a certified law abiding citizen when she is out on her own. It's just the way we roll.

Myya said...

ha ha ha HA!!! How do you really live all these things, you've got a story about everything! I love it! So did they tell parents what really was going on???

Dumblond said...

Whoa. How mortifying. I think I would have wanted them to just shoot...yup. Just shoot me.

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

Oh my gosh, this is crazy! Bet you looked hottt with a handgun though ;)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'm not sure what's more horrifying here, a possible actual house jacking or the fact the cops break down your door and find you pounding your boyfriend to porn, then your brother and his girlfriend fly in with guns. That's just too awesome to contemplate! :)

Caty said...

that is the funniest thing I've heard all week! You have got some great stories to tell...and I am never disappointed!

mbkatc230 said...

Leave it to prank calls, internet porn and busted doors to make for a lively story! I bet she was glad her mother didn't have a gun! And I can just picture you slipping in that back door with your gun drawn. Farrah Fawcett, watch out lol. Loved this story, thanks for the laugh today. Kat

wendy said...

A heat packin', cocktail drinking mama. I like that.
I can visualize that whole scene. Pretty dang funny!!!

Fragrant Liar said...

And still, everybody wants to get into the act. Porn, pistols, and police just don't go together.

blueviolet said...

I love the visual of you and in my mind, I might have embellished it a little bit. ;)

leigh said...

That is beyond funny.

Michael Rivers said...

Endings are always better if porn is involved. Happy Monday!

shortmama said...

Seriously one of the funniest stories ever.....evah!!

kathryn said...

Oh, honey...this is a FABULOUS story.

The only thing worse than being hopped up on adrenaline, playing out a live scene from Hill Street Blues, toting a firearm into a room with two police officers is being a man and wife getting down to your frisky business during a porn bonanza and having two police officers kick your door down and point guns at you....unless it's also having your brother and his GF barrel into the room with yet another gun trained a little to close to their....busy parts.
I gotta say, the only thing worse than watching porn on dial-up must've been the heart attack those parents felt from that prank call.
I'm sorry...that is NEVER COOL.

Little Ms J said...

I can imagine you skulking through the house, gun ready. Aren't you kinda glad the cops got their first? Maybe not an image you guys wanted to have with you...?

Mom in High Heels said...

We approached the house like Stacy Sheridan and TJ Hooker

OMG! ^^^^ This. Is. Hilarious. What a story. I cannot imagine what I would do if the MP's came bursting into our house while we were mid-coitus.

My name is PJ. said...

There's an HBO movie in there somewhere......it's a bit too racy for network TV!

Mr. Stupid said...

This was hilarious. Great story. BTW, did they tell the parents?

Jules said...

THANK GOD we can all watch porn without tying up the phone lines these days!! ;)

Young at Heart said...

hilarious......glad to have found you!!

onoire said...

that was hilarious - definitely a LOL moment. my father owns a gun, a few actually, but has never had the opportunity to really show me how to use one (i guess that's the most appropriate way to put it). my mother on the other hand is definitely not a fan of guns, or bmx boys bikes for her daughter, but i digress.

believe it or not, i could very well have seen something like your hill street blues situation happening to me and some of my friends (i'm surprised that nothing like that ever did happen given all of the things that they have done), as some of them might have easily found themselves in the same predicament that your ex-boyfriend's sister and husband found themselves in; however, their parents would have probably called me, as they have always considered me to be the level-headed, common sense-utilizing and thoroughly persuasive one of the bunch...LOL.

at least you all were able to get a laugh or two out of it, though i can imagine that you all experienced quite a few different emotions that evening.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Oh my goodness, you've lived a few more lives than I, and I've got so many years on you, too. This was some story. And the cops were all hanging out with them after busting down their door, two presumably wrapped up in a sheet. What an image. And then you go rolling over the hood of your parked car and round the corner like Adrian Zmed.

SmartBear said...

LMAO...because I am picturing this college town and figuring those cops were a real hoot. Porn on dial up? Did they not have a VCR? There was a Pricilla's right on the main drag, for Pete's sake?
Also, picturing you with a gun is a bit spooky. I may be a bit afraid of you now. I'm just sayin'.
Best,
Tina

Mighty M said...

The only thing worse might be if your KID catches you in the act, but you wouldn't know anything about that would you? :)

Glad to know Super Jenny is out there when we need her.

carma said...

that is a trip!!!! I like how you were ready to kick ass an take names--

BTW, if you get a chance I have a FB question for you about privacy with networked blogs

Jennifer said...

Wow, that's the most amazingly funny story. You've got some brass cojones sweetie. I love it!!! I knew I liked you for a reason!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Gun in one hand and cocktail in the other. Oooo child. ;-)

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

I think this is the best story I've read on your blog to date. Thanks, I needed that laugh today!