Wednesday, July 14, 2010

If Jennifer Lopez can wear white pants, why can't I ?

Contrary to previous fashion mantras, you can wear white all year round. That said, I still don it more frequently in the May to September time frame. White, in all of its crisp freshness, makes me think of classics, and summer, and lounging on the boat.  But one component of the summer whites season always confounds me. The white pants.

I love white pants in the summer time but there should be some guidelines.
1.       Buy the right size. What one might be able to pull off in an extra snug black pant does NOT work the same with white.  What black pants camouflage, white pants highlight. 
2.      Wear appropriate undergarments. Hot pink a la polka dots are not a wise choice. Oh, yes, I know, the polka dots are white. Guess what isn’t white? The hot PINK part.
3.      Scotchguard those babies before you ever wear them. You will have a less tricky time getting out spills if you spritz them with some Scotchguard first. And once you have christened them with red wine, strawberry daiquiri, or ketchup, get the bleach on them or kiss them goodbye.
4.      Wash them after every or every other wear. Long term wearing makes them look gray.

But even keeping all of this in mind, I go through the white pants obstacle course every year to find the perfect pair. I fuss and fight with them because they all fit differently. Some you handwash, some you dryclean, some you machine dry, some you hang dry. Why so complicated?

White shorts: Why are you a magnet for everything that is not white? Why, when I wear you for a few hours do I, like Peter Cottontail, appear as if I bounced through the briars on my way through Mr. McGregor's garden? Apparently,  when I wear you I can only drink milk and handle powdered sugar.

White linen pants: I love you. You are perfect for the boat, brunch, cocktails, or a stroll down the boardwalk. Why don't I wear you? Oh, that is right. Now I remember. I hate you. Even the best linen pants fail me for two reasons. 1: No matter the care taken to treat you gently, you look like something Rip Van Winkle slept in. For a decade. 2: Even when you are the perfect size, after sitting in you for more than an hour, you look like a diaper. With legs. 

White cotton pants: Oh you are tricky. You appear so smooth and crisp at first. You also attract dirt. What am I, a chimney sweep? And the only way to keep you precise is to iron you. And I live in Atlanta where there is simply no need to turn on appliances or gadgets that produce heat when it is 102 outside. 

White denim: I like you. Until I buy you. And then you gather cobwebs in my closet because I knew when I slid that AmEx card across that counter, I don't like white denim. It's like eating fat-free ice cream, I want to like you, but I don't have it in me. 

White spandex /cotton blend: Hmmm. You really had me for a second. I loved you at first sighting. I tried you on and you fit perfectly. And then I turned to catch the backside glimpse.
You are a destroyer of the good mood. Why do I say this? Because that glimpse made it look like I slipped a giant inflated white life raft in my skivs. WTH? If I wanted to highlight my arse like a spotlight was shining on it, I would not wear pants.

I am fussy about the white pants and how they fit. Everyone else seems to look smashing in them. Except the hot pink underwear girl. And then I saw this photo of Jennifer Lopez. Leading back to my original question. If Jennifer Lopez can wear white pants, why can't I?  She doesn't mind a little junk in the all white trunk. She says, I will rock these tight whites. I will let my booty in white pants freak flag fly. Why don't you? I need that gene code.

I don't even have half that situation going on but white pants make it look like it. Let's hope the two pairs I just purchased from Banana Republic can do it for me. I will be prancing around in them as I meet my BFF Marcia Garcia at the airport tomorrow and we fly to my favorite city NYC for the next four days.  I will surely be having a cocktail as next Monday is a big day for me. More to come on that. Have a fabulous weekend.


72 comments:

mbkatc230 said...

This was hysterical. I have such a love/hate relationship with white pants, for all of the reasons you gave. Of course, the underpants rule applies to white dresses/skirts also. Just ask the lady I saw at Target the other day. Her rainbow striped undies looked smashing under her white cotton dress. NOT. Have a fabulous time in NY! Can't wait to hear your big new. Kat

Julia said...

white linen is the best - so comfy, and elegant. if you stand still and dont walk/sit/lean/touch anything. the minute you move around in them, they look like pajamas. so sad. but so comfy!

Jen said...

You are very brave to wear white pants in NYC :)

I love the look - just can't pull it off. And I think my trunk would look much like J Lo's in them (although I do think SHE rocks them!) I really WANT to like white pants and jeans, but they always end up just sitting in a drawer until I donate them. 'Cause I feel like a big tampon in them - or dressed for a sorority ritual. And I don't wear my white shorts b/c I have a small boy who likes to be carried and then gets his feet all over me. I should wear dirt brown :)

Enjoy your trip!!!

LifestyleBohemia said...

I agree with all of the above! I've seen way to many white pant offenders recently who do not follow these rules!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I don't get the rah-rah-hoopla on J.Lo's arse. I would not wear white pants with that big butt but give her kudo's for the cogliones to wear them. That is one good gene code as you say.

I do like white linen but now you are making me doubt myself. I may have to change my plans on what I am wearing at the lake because now I may see myself only as a woman in a diaper.

BigSis said...

I agree with your rules which is why I pretty much stay away from white - pants and shoes alike.

Michele R said...

Why is it that if I find a perfect pair of white capris, then the next year they have shrunk too sizes too small? I have given up on white.
Have fun in NY!

Simply Suthern said...

I am all for white pants.

Just don't ask me if they make your _____look big.

That aint the point.

f8hasit said...

I just went through my closet yesterday and rid it off all things white with legs.

For all the reasons you mentioned!

The white linen were the worst offenders. Driving from point a to point b in a matter of 5 minutes and the butt had stretched out threefold! You don't even want to know how many creases there were...
Bah.

Have a great time in NYC!

nmaha said...

Hahaha....white pants, we all want to look good in them.

I have a pair of white cotton/span peddle pushers which I love. However, post baby I wear them with bright coloured tunics that cover my bum. No sexy sports bra top for me.

secret agent woman said...

I don't know why exactly, but I have never liked the look of white pants. To sailor-like. And I sure as I wear them, I spill something or brush up against something. So none in my closet.

Shana said...

You are funny!
I have way too much junk in my trunk, and front, and sides to wear white pants... but I am with you in spirit.

Maria said...

White pants from Banana Republic? I think you will be okay. White pants in NYC? Hope you Scotchguard the hell out of them! Wise choice to purchase two!

Have a wonderful time in the Big Apple!

Vodka Logic said...

White pants suck... but when I get thin-ner maybe I'll splurge on a pair.

NYC?? I want to go .. have a blast and post pictures

ellen abbott said...

I just don't wear white at all, or black for that matter. white gets dirty far too easily and quickly.

Amommymous Blogger said...

Well-ruled. And I always make myself feel better about how great celebrities look in ANYTHING by asserting that (insert trendy item here, i.e. white pants) could look good on anyone if you spent $3,000 on them and had them form fitted to you by little worshipful hands like most starlets do. :)

AmyLK said...

I can't wear white pants. I am just to omuch of a clutz and would have everything and anything on them immediately! Enjoy your trip to NYC!

Intense Guy said...

Show of hands... all those in favor of just going pantsless?

Hmm... just me huh....

Big Boops said...

I'm cracking up about the diaper with legs comment in regards to white linen. So so true and so so funny. Thanks Jennymac!

Eva Gallant said...

Way too much junk in this trunk for white pants! More power to you if you can wear them! I'm envious, because they can look really sharp!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I wear white pants and shorts all summer. My love affair with them began when I was 10 and my Barbie doll came dressed in white shorts with a blue and white stripped top. I'm still trying to be like Ms. B...Ha! Now I only rock them in ... My Mind!"
Mary

Scraps said...

Like many things, you have to have the right body to wear something like white pants. I do not, thus a pair of white pants has not graced my closet in, oh, um.... 15 years?

And white shoes--unless your a bride, being confirmed or it's Easter and your under the age of 12 just aren't right. No one's feet look good amplified in white leather or, worse, plastic trying to look like leather. Just say no, folks, color is good! Or go for ivory.

Salt said...

Hahaha I'm wearing white pants today. :)

Sara said...

I've not pondered this conundrum. Thank you for the insight. Have fun in NYC!!!

Herding Cats said...

I don't even attempt white paints. I feel like I'm blinding people.

Candice said...

My pair of white pants are just like jean, only they're regular cotton. They're perfect. BTW, you should post a pic of you in your and let us be the judge!

MommaKiss said...

Enjoy NYC!! WOOT!

I like the white linen. That's about all my stumpy lower half can handle.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I had a pair of white pants once. Before I had kids. When my butt was more J-Lo than Jell-O.

Those days, I'm sorry to say, are gone.

carma said...

I've always thought white denim should be illegal. You'll never see it on my hiney :D

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

I'm wearing white jeans today! haha. I feel ya about the linen pants though- I want to like them SO badly...seem so comfy, but the fact that linen wrinkles legit on contact, drives me BONKERS! lol

Yankee Girl said...

I gave up on white pants a long time ago. I love wearing white skirts and have several of them. They are much more forgiving!

Kristina P. said...

I'm sure these would give me camel toe. I do love white skirts.

Grand Pooba said...

Dang! JL is lucky she has a waist to go with 'all that'!

I have one pair of white pants, it's so fricken hard to find white pants that aren't see through! And I have special fleshy colored underwear that I reserve just for the white pant occuassion ;o)

MommaAmma said...

Linen-diaper-nail on the flippin head!

Spandexy tighties-only when pregnant with a tunic and I couldn't care less what people think of my arse.

Denim-I have a pair in my closet with sparkley jewels on the back pocket. I must have bought them in high school. Let em go!

I do have the perfect pair of cotton pants that are work and play appropriate. Yesterday I sat on a little chunk of eyeliner and ruined them. That's what I get for doing make up in the car.

foxy said...

Man, that JLo's got a booty that WON'T QUIT. That's some serious junk right there!

SamiJoe said...

This was a seriously great post!! I especially like the allusion to Rip Van Winkle (crazy canuck--one of my favourite american tales!)

ps--jLo's booty rocks! Look how great it looks in that picture!

The Boob Nazi said...

I just don't even try.

SPLENDEROSA said...

Every single thing you said is exactly what I think. But I love love love the look of white in summer. This gave me a giggle, especially when I saw J Lo's pic...which is kinda sad...I look like this, but I'm waaaaaay older than she is.
xx's

Jen said...

I have never worn white pants. I fear them too much.

KMB said...

i love crisp, clean white. i love winter white. i wear white all year round as long as its seasonally appropriate. i don't own any spandex blend, though. no one needs to see my thighs. my booty is non-existent. i wish i had a booty. take care.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Good freaking God, thank you! If I had a cent for every lady in white ill-fitting pantaloons that I see daily I could retire now. Big, billowy ones, ones that make your bum look like a continent, ones that give gigantic muffin top, ones with pockets, ones with no pockets, ones you can see a red thong through (really, ew!) ones you can see granny panties through...it's horrible. Stop it.

Having just said that I do have some white (well off white really) cargo fatigue low rise type pants that are soft, heavy fabric and quite delicious. And of course I look just STUNNINGLY PERFECT in them.

Sniff.

Nyx said...

I wore white shorts once, when I was in high-school.

The experience was so traumatizing that I haven't bought any white bottoms since (excluding skirts. I can deal with skirts).

Christiejolu said...

You know...I don't think I ever wore white pants...I never thought of that until now...

Aging Mommy said...

Being around a three year old all day who loves play doh and painting means white is not a color I usually wear :-) But if I had the rear end JLo has I would wear anything and everything to show it off to best advantage, no question. Sadly I have little to be proud of in that department.

Bex said...

So what you're saying is no pink underpants with white pants? Good grief! If only I knew sooner! ;-)

M-Cat said...

I am a HUGE fan of the white capri denims, but DANG if I don't spill on them every blasted time! It' like a tractor beams sucking every colored crap towards me. The latest? CAR GREASE! crap

Mighty M said...

Most of my whites tend to stick in the closet too....I just can't quite get it right with white.

Enjoy your time in the Big Apple with your bestie - seeing any shows??

Kate said...

Lest we forget--if aforementioned white pants are not properly lined, it's Thong All the Way. And as diligently as I might try to get on the thong wagon, I can't. I do experiment, maybe once a month, but...nope.

Susan said...

I LOVE white pants/shorts but I will never wear them until I'm well passed menopause...just the "fear" of "it" happening terrifies me!!! Wow, does JLO look fab in hers though!!!

Ellen@FirednFabulous said...

Oh my gosh, you're coming to NYC?! And yeah...I don't remember the last time I tried to rock white..anything. I love white denim, but I stress about putting together outfits as it is (fashionable NYC will do that to ya!), so worrying about spilling a glass of red wine is that LAST thing I need. 'Cause you know it would happen...just like in the movie Can't Buy Me Love! lol...ok, random!

J.J. said...

And I thought I had a big, fat, white @$$! ; )

I don't wear black (I look dead) or white (it doesn't stay white for long). Thank you for reminding me why.

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

I always have to get at least one pair every summer because they're just the perfect thing for warm weather. Then I catch a glimpse in the mirror at the wrong angle and realize that perhaps they were a mistake. Or that I really need to go to the gym more. Or both.

Anyway, I hope you have a great trip to NYC! Love it there!

jules said...

That pic of J-Lo is amazing!

Oh Why must linen lose its shape.

Have a blast in NYC and rock your new pants! I adore that city!

Jessica-Lauren said...

ohhh man white pants... I might as well stand under lights that seem to capture all my cellulite! lolol funny post1!!

Ms. Wanda said...

Listen White is not for everyone, unfortunately. I remember those white pants ole' Jen has on and she rocked them. I would rock it them too, right after I spent 30 grand getting all my lose fat tucked, sucked and cut away:)

xoxox

My name is PJ. said...

I have shared those sentiments over the years!

Enjoy your trip to NYC!

male escort said...

This is what I'm asking too?
You girls aren't less sexy than any star moving her ass in Hollywood.
You just need to know your power, be bravest, scream what you want and have the courage to get it. Want white pants - wear it, just do it.
This is what I wanted to say.
Kisses to all of you.
:)

shortmama said...

Im pretty sure the last white thing I wore on my ass was a diaper

Laoch of Chicago said...

I have no comment about thew white pants issue but I can say the NYC is wonderful in the summer.

Mommy Lisa said...

I feel the pain of the linen. So tragic....I want to love them too.

I cannot wait to hear about Monday.

Erin said...

this post is awesome.

i love wearing linen, but only if i don't have to sit or wear a seatbelt. lol!

i have one pair of white pants. i have worn them twice, i think. lol.

however, banana is about my favorite store, so perhaps i should head there and get the aid of a personal shopper.

happy birthday weekend and have fun w/ marcia garcia!

Jennifer said...

Oh Jenny, here we are soul sisters. I am obsessed with white pants. And alas, have only found the perfect pair once, and they are a pair of brazilian jeans... I guess they would fall under the cotton-spandex category? My favorite thing in the world is the white pants booty spotlight. I actually like my J-Lo-esque even though I'm a white girl booty. And I dream of the perfect white pants again. I did buy a pair of inspirational white shorts. As in, they're a tad bit too tight to look great right now but I hope to wear them in a few weeks after I am motivated to stop eating those damn peanut butter M&Ms and exercise my gut a bit. BTW, the brazilian jeans only don't work right now because of the post-2nd-baby belly flab. Ugh!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

LOL @ this post, esp. @ the part about the linen. Oh love and hate indeed. In reality though, I can't wear anything white any more now that I am mother of two boys.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, honey... I hear you!
First of all linen is just evil. I hate it and will not buy anything that is. Linen, that is.
And the cotton/spandex blend is great until it stretches out beyond all recognition. It seems like the knees and butt get looking... worn very shortly after donning them.
But I will tell you and anyone else that is interested:
My Clorox Bleach Pen is my favorite save for laundry. Especially in the summer time. ;-)
And anything that has to be ironed, gets washed, dried and sent to the cleaners along with Johns dress shirts and instructions to "just press".

Sarah from 20somethingcupcakes said...

OOOO! Sample sale weekend is here!

Good tip on the Scotchguard. Never heard of that. If only we could come up with a solution for dry clean only white items eventually turning gray...

Have a great time in NYC! xxSAS

Shop Girl* said...

I am afraid of white pants, with the exception of the white linen pant suit. I LOVE a white suit with a colored top underneath.

Everything else scares me. My junk just doesn't look good in white. haha

FortyNotOut said...

Ooh are you off to Blogher? OK...I have a dilemma here. Love JLo... a lot. she has a great tooshie (for you in the U.S.) Arse (for me in the UK). But (and not butt)... she should not be wearing those trousers. SO bad! And when you said "that situation".. is that a line from the first SATC movie with Miranda's wax much honey moment? A great line to be applied to all manner of faux pas's! xxx

Sadako said...

I don't care what time of year it is, I love me some white!

citymouse said...

I am definitely a black pants kinda gal but I did buy a pair of white pants this summer. Alas, they are still sitting in my closet. They terrify me. I keep thinking I can wear them with a longer top to help camouflage my booty... summer isn't over yet. We'll see.

Kat @ www.TodaysCliche.com said...

Might be one of my favorite lines, Jenny:

I knew when I slid that AmEx card across that counter, I don't like white denim. It's like eating fat-free ice cream, I want to like you, but I don't have it in me.

I feel like that IN SO MANY ASPECTS of my life. You go girl.
Pumped to come across you again... it's been a while. I'll be back for sure, girl.

Kristy said...

You could buy some of those panties with built in extra cheekies if you want to look more like J Lo! You go with your bad self. Me, I do not wear anything white below the waist ever. I just don't think it would be a good idea for me.

Slamdunk said...

I am late on this one, but I hope you had a super time in the Big Apple. Hopefully, you were shopping or otherwise inside during the passing thunderstorms.