I didn’t host my first real keg party until my first year of grad school. Having purchased said keg, plenty of ice, and an endless supply of cups, I had a little hiccup. My two male roommates, The Coat, and The Social Chair were not at home and I had one tiny problem.
I didn’t know how to tap the keg.
Who comes to the rescue? My roommates who have years of experience? A burly bartender who lives across the street? Sailors? A fleet of rugby players? No.
My sweet friend, MarciaGarcia, as she gives “step back, sissy” directive and taps the keg in less than one minute. After of course, she admonished me multiple times because she could NOT believe I didn’t know how to execute this simple act. She who grew up in a small town with limited options. Therefore most options for fun shenanigans almost certainly involved kegs. When I asked her where she learned this handy skill, she told me she learned when she was about 12. NICE. I will be sure to tell your parents. And your children one day.
I am not a beer maven. Even further demonstrated when someone at the party asked, “Keg stand?” And I said, “ummm, the keg seems to be standing up on its own just fine.” Keg stand? I had no idea.
I will freely admit here that we didn’t finish the keg that night. I had another party the next night and another of my beer crimes was discovered. The keg was sitting on my porch ready for round II consumption. Was it iced down? The night before, yes. In my busy haste of the day however, I failed to ice it down at all and instead, left it in the hot Indian Summer sun of Kansas.
With people on their way over soon, I suggest simply filling pitchers and adding ice. Not icing them down but actually filling pitchers with beer AND ice. Even ShaNaNa, our good girl, says, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”
MarciaGarcia says, "I don’t think I can be friends with you the only thing worse than HOT beer is hot watered-down beer."
My response, “You know where you can get delicious, cold beer?
She said, "Anywhere but here?"
"Waltz yourself to the liquor store, betch."
Marcia Garcia’s response? Good point.
When people arrived and were told the state affairs, guess what happened? RIGHT. They all drank it. And MarciaGarcia lead the pack. Proving once again, college students will rarely, if ever, turn down free alcohol. Thankfully, it ultimately reached proper consumption temp as the last few drops were poured.
I might now know how to tap a keg, which actually is not that handy but, once and only once I did agree to attempt a keg stand. I was highly successful.
Don’t tell my parents. Or my child one day.