Monday, June 21, 2010

Tappa Kegga Brew

I didn’t host my first real keg party until my first year of grad school. Having purchased said keg, plenty of ice, and an endless supply of cups, I had a little hiccup. My two male roommates, The Coat, and The Social Chair were not at home and I had one tiny problem.

I didn’t know how to tap the keg.

Who comes to the rescue? My roommates who have years of experience? A burly bartender who lives across the street? Sailors? A fleet of rugby players? No. 

My sweet friend, MarciaGarcia, as she gives “step back, sissy” directive and taps the keg in less than one minute. After of course, she admonished me multiple times because she could NOT believe I didn’t know how to execute this simple act. She who grew up in a small town with limited options. Therefore most options for fun shenanigans almost certainly involved kegs. When I asked her where she learned this handy skill, she told me she learned when she was about 12. NICE. I will be sure to tell your parents. And your children one day.


I am not a beer maven. Even further demonstrated when someone at the party asked, “Keg stand?” And I said, “ummm, the keg seems to be standing up on its own just fine.” Keg stand? I had no idea.

I will freely admit here that we didn’t finish the keg that night. I had another party the next night and another of my beer crimes was discovered. The keg was sitting on my porch ready for round II consumption. Was it iced down? The night before, yes. In my busy haste of the day however, I failed to ice it down at all and instead, left it in the hot Indian Summer sun of Kansas.

With people on their way over soon, I suggest simply filling pitchers and adding ice. Not icing them down but actually filling pitchers with beer AND ice. Even ShaNaNa, our good girl, says, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

MarciaGarcia says, "I don’t think I can be friends with you the only thing worse than HOT beer is hot watered-down beer."
My response, “You know where you can get delicious, cold beer?
She said, "Anywhere but here?"
"Waltz yourself to the liquor store, betch."
Marcia Garcia’s response? Good point.

When people arrived and were told the state affairs, guess what happened? RIGHT. They all drank it. And MarciaGarcia lead the pack. Proving once again, college students will rarely, if ever, turn down free alcohol. Thankfully, it ultimately reached proper consumption temp as the last few drops were poured.

I might now know how to tap a keg, which actually is not that handy but, once and only once I did agree to attempt a keg stand. I was highly successful.

Don’t tell my parents. Or my child one day.

62 comments:

Mommy Lisa said...

I never ever tried a keg stand...
bravo on your success at it.

I have not purchased a keg in eight years...hubby's 40th I got one for his old friends.

blueviolet said...

I can't believe they drank down that hot beer. Foulness of the most immature variety.

Buckeroomama said...

Okay, laugh at me, but I am a total virgin when it comes to kegs!

Will Burke said...

I'm sure they were quite upset -- "It was so awful I alsost left a drizzle in the cup..."

mbkatc230 said...

I don't do beer. Warm beer? Never in a million years! But the title of this post alone was worth the price of admission :) Kat

Kitchen Rat said...

I'm stupid. What's a keg stand?

Brian Miller said...

and then someone says can you do it inverted...terrible flashbacks...smiles.

Scraps said...

Not much of a beer drinker, either, and certainly not from a keg! Thankfully these days I'm sure any holes in the knowledge bank could be solved by a quick Internet search.

The Robin's Nest said...

I remember doing keg stands on the beach in a bikini in Padre Island while on Spring Break in high school.

That thought now horrifies me - other than the obvious (what the heck was a doing that for with a bunch of fraternity guys I don't know) - but the though of my now 36 year old, 2 children birthed, body hanging in mid air upside down in a bikini. It would probably officially shut down Spring Break. Aaahhhh the glory days :)

AmyLK said...

I am even more clueless than you cause I don't know what a keg stand is! lol Sounds like it was a killer party, even with the hot beer.

leigh said...

A keg is a mysterious thing to us girls that were actually "good" in high school. Who am I kidding? I just smoked weed instead.

Jules said...

I DID keg stands but I'm not really sure the point of them....... Are you SUPPOSED to get drunk more quickly if you're upside down???

Eva Gallant said...

warm beer.....yuck!

Marc, Sarah, and Luke said...

I live in Kansas, and even though I really don't care for beer, I can imagine that hot beer during a Kansas summer would NOT be very good....I love how you tell stories....They keep my attention :)

MommaAmma said...

I've never done a keg stand or beer bong or any of those things. Yet somehow I was more like your MaricaGarica with the "I learned it at 12" thing. I must have been putting on a front that I was a bad girl.

Gigi said...

Ah yes, the absolute alcoholic desperation of college kids drinking anything...I remember it well.

Although I could never do a keg stand.

darsden said...

Halarious!!! I bet that friend that learned at 12 is From the South Babe'...LOL

Tracy said...

I just drink it and leave the physics of getting it to me to somebody else. :-)

The Boob Nazi said...

Also, I had that damn keg in my house for like three months. I COULDN'T PUT ANYTHING IN MY FRIDGE. oai jdfjas okj owjiokw j

The Boob Nazi said...

My roommate last year bought a keg in Wyoming and brought it to Utah, where it's illegal. I was unbelievably pissed. And then people peed on my damn couch because they were so drunk. And the hookah coals that burned holes in the carpet. Sigh. I hate things like that.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

HAHA! Great post. I went to a large football school, keg stands were required to graduate ( :

McVal said...

I learned how on a root beer keg when I was 30... My 18 year old nephew showed me.

Aunt Becky said...

I can totally tap a keg, yo. But I was a bartender. Yeah, that's right, you want to make out with me now.

Kristina P. said...

I am so impressed.

Ms Bibi said...

I've been to a keg party, but never did the "keg stand". Now you have one skill that I don't,lol.

DaisyGal said...

I have been to MANY A keg party and never tapped a keg..and I really feel like ..."nah, not missing a thing" ...plus I always had good looking boys around me, who would do it. LOL

keg stands....ahhhhh, the good ole days, right there next to funnels...and beer pong. To be 22 again...aye?

hugs

Writing Without Periods! said...

Beer is such a romantic drink. It's how I met Hubby. We were fighting over the last draw on a keg at a fighter pilot party. I've never met a beer that didn't like me.
Mary

Pricilla said...

Being a goat I don't do beer so I don't need this apparently necessary human skill.

I take my grain straight.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OK, you're my hero. I've never successfully managed a keg stand. Nor do I know how to tap a keg.

But I can open wine bottles like nobody's business! ;)

ModernMom said...

I can not tap a keg...but I can admit to drinking warmish beer in college. Hey. Free beer was good beer:)

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I've done a keg stand back in the day. The good old days...

Christiejolu said...

You did a keg stand??? You rule!

Emily said...

Haha! Yep, no college student will turn down free beer.
And for the record, I haven't the faintest idea how to tap a keg.

TKW said...

I can't tap a keg, either. Send MariaGarcia my way.

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

I once met a girl who did a keg stand at her wedding. Classy eh? I was mortified for her but she was quite proud!

Erin said...

I don't know how to tap a keg.
I don't know how to do a keg stand, either.

I do, however, know how to open a nice bottle of chardonnay.

;-)

Midday Escapades said...

I have yet to tap a keg but sounds like fun times. I guess there are certain life experiences yet to be, well, experienced.

Ellen said...

I'm not the cool "step back missy and let me tap this keg" girl either. What can I say, I'm just good at DRINKING it. Don't challenge me to a funneling contest. You will lose.

www.firednfabulous.com

Dumblond said...

Oh you are taking me back...Pretty sure I don't want to go there. The night I did my first keg stand was the night I threw up all over the INSIDE of my best friend's car. Over a decade later, she still brings that up...

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

"Proving once again, college students will rarely, if ever, turn down free alcohol. " ; -)

Jennifer said...

I so despise the flavor of beer, ANY beer, that I've never had a keg or done any form of keg stand. I tried really hard to play Anchorman once in college, but failed miserably as I started to retch the instant I started chugging. Along with coffee and cigarettes, beer is just one of those vices I do not partake of. Hard liquor, though? No problem. Doh! Oh well. Now that I'm "old" and have kids, I hardly ever get to drink anything anyway. If I did, I'd probably just fall asleep at the bar or table, or wherever I am at the time. S'all good. I just dance instead. :)

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

NIIIICCCEE.

You have the funniest stories!

Simply Suthern said...

I've never tapped a keg but I have cut one in half and made a nice little grill out of it.

Hot beer, ACK!!

Caleb said...

Wow, sadness.

1. No knowledge of Keg-tapping (ha, tapping)
2. No finishing of Keg
3. Watering down beer.

On the plus side, you used the term Maven, which rocks.

A trick I learned from Hooters girls: put ice in a bag, then put that ice in the pitcher. Same cooling effect, no watering down of beer.

I'm going to drink extra this week as beer-God penance for your shenanigans.

You live and you learn though, right?

Stay thirsty.

shortmama said...

I dont know how to tap a keg and Ive never done a keg stand....and I live in a small town with nothing better to do. Except play with boys and that MAY have been exactly what I was doing instead of learning the fine art of keg tapping or standing

ellen abbott said...

When my husband and I got married we had a big party and got two kegs. We floated the bride's keg but not the groom's. We closed up the garage (wherein the kegs sat) and took off for a week on our honeymoon figuring we'd deal with the kegs when we got back. Oh, and did I mention we got married in the middle of August in south Texas? Let me just say the garage was highly fragrant when we got back.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Looks like I'm not alone in the "not much keg experience". I could probably count on my hands how many times I've drank from a keg at a party!

Susan Erickson said...

I'm an old bartender and tapping kegs is not that easy. It takes a little knowledge and finesse to pour a nice head of brew. I would probably have drank it too and lost it later....

Seattle said...

I can tap the keg still but keg stand? Never again. Too many ugly 'next morning' scenes.

Siesta en Espana said...

there is nothing wrong with not knowing how to tap a keg...let the burly men handle that! lol

sharonheg said...

If it makes ou feel any better, I'm 44 years old and never went to a keg party. Don't think I ever will, by this point...So you may have been lame there, but you still have one up on me, LOL!

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I freely admit that I am a beer virgin, and will be forever more. Not a clue how to tap a keg, either. I just asked my hubby, and he looked at me like I had 3 heads, since apparently it is, in fact, taught in elementary school. Whatever.

Myya said...

When you said keg stand I assumed it was something you set the keg on. I'm lame huh! You sound like so much fun, you have the best stories! I wish I went to college with you!

Theta Mom said...

I cannot drink hot beer - but you're right, what college kids will do for some free beer. :)

Ed said...

Nothing says P-A-R-T-A-Y like a keg.

Well, unless its some hot girl on girl action.

But a keg definitely helps.

Marcy said...

It wasn't exactly at age 12...more like age 16 probably. :)

And i once went to work in college with major bruises all down my arms from my elbows to wrists. My boss is all concerned and asks "what happened?"

I had slid down a keg during a keg stand...

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Yep I've had my share of keg beer!
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Mighty M said...

I have a strong dislike for all things beer (except warm, cheesy beer bread) and what's this about tapping on a keg? Does that help with the carbonation or something??? :) Ha ha.. I KNOW that you tap a keg, I just wouldn't possibly know how to do it either!!

Vodka Logic said...

Since I am reading your blog posts backwards can I say, I bet Dina Lohan knows how to tap a keg and do a beer stand. In my 51 years I have done neither and don' t know what beer pong is either.

there are other things I however that might put me on Dinas list...

Great story xx

Intense Guy said...

Goes to show - beer is beer... just as long as it flows it fine for those thirsty college dudes (and some grown men).

HalfAsstic.com said...

OK, I have attended more than a few keg parties, but I admit to not knowing how to tap one or anything at all about a keg stand.
Just one more reason to be impressed by you! ;-)

Anonymous said...

T.K.B. (TappaKeggaBrew)
Was the name of my College Fraternity..
The Kernster
U.C.L.A. Class of 1980