Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Do not touch that with your bare hands

Back in the day, one of my junior high classes was tasked with the well known “informative speech.”  I wanted to do something more interesting than How to grow a Chia pet or How to do the moonwalk.  I loved athletics  so I looked to that genre. Casting aside our daily sports of tennis, football, volleyball I opted for something more exotic: lacrosse. Lacrosse was not as common in the PNW (Pacific Northwest) so I set out to learn as much as I could. Do you know Lacrosse? I think the Iroquois (from which the sport derived) translation means: have fun getting your ass kicked. Between lacrosse, hockey, and rugby, I am not certain  which crew is tougher. Or crazier.

One of our teachers at school, Mr. G,  played in a league. It occurs to me now that after a day with hundreds of  8th graders, many an adult might need to run with a stick and smash people but I digress.

Mr. G was happy that a student had an interest in the sport and offered to loan me all of his equipment for my speech.

I was first to present so after fetching the equipment from Mr. G’s car, I displayed it on a table next to the podium. I proceeded to deliver in a humorous fashion all the little lacrosse tidbits I had prepared. The history, the field, the players, the lingo. Then I proceeded to show the helmet, the stick , the gloves and pads. Inside the helmet, Mr. G had stored the lacrosse ball in its container. I had placed that on the table so  I lifted it up and showed the ball (or cookie as it is called) in its triangular case and explained this was the ball, and the ball holder.

The girls in the glass have no reaction because they don’t know lacrosse well either, and because they, like me, are innocent doves. Most of the boys in the class giggled quietly that I merely said the words “ball holder.” A few boys in the class, laughed out loud but I had no idea why. Later, two of my male friends in class came to give me the business.

Smirky McJerky: That was a riot about the ball holder. AND you held it up.
Me: I was showing the equipment.
 Smirky McJerky: You showed the BALL HOLDER.
Me: Juveniles ( or more likely: I am SO sure. SHUT UP.)
Smirky McJerky: Wait, you really don’t know what that was?
Me: The plastic ball holder? DUH!
Smirkey McJerky: HHHHHAAAAAAAA. Falls down laughing with our other friend. It is for balls all right. But not the lacrosse ball.

Me: Blank stare and fuming face about to go full tilt. I sense something very embarrassing to me is about to occur. 

Smirky McJerky: HHAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s Mr.G’s CUP. For his balls.
Me: I hate you.  And whaaaaaaaaaaaat? 

So he explains to me what a "cup" is and how it is used. 
I followed this with some OHMYG___ and yikes!!! and SICK!!!!! ! and OHMYG___.
 
Did I really just stand in front of my entire class and our male teacher and show the plastic protective device Mr. G placed on his manly bits? Did I really just display it so proudly and with more flourish than Vanna White? Did I touch it with my bare hands? Was I one degree of separation from Mr. G’s nether region?  


My older brother played sports but I had never seen such a device. I saw a jockstrap once prior to this moment and thought it was an old school sling shot.

I attempted to avoid hyperventilating as I scurred away to wash my hands a dozens times and scrub them with steel wool. And a warning to anyone else interested in giving informative speeches on lacrosse: If you are handling the sweaty equipment worn the night before by a male that you are not married to or raising, the triangular plastic device is NOT what you think it is.  Do not touch that with your bare hands. 

78 comments:

Mommakin said...

Laughed right out loud! I guess I'm still a little innocent - as you were describing it, I thought it was sport related, too. Now this begs the question - why did the teacher INCLUDE that in the gear that he handed over to a jr. high girl? I think there was enough mortification to go around on this one...

Melissa said...

Ha! He really should have left that at home or hid it in his glove box so you didn't have to see/touch it. I blame the teacher.

My name is PJ. said...

That could have been me! I have three brothers and never saw one of those contraptions until I was 20!

It's cool and damp under my rock.

~ Jane ~ said...

Oh man. That is so funny! You can only be grateful that kids couldn't text back then. Think of how fast that would have traveled. Probably could have watched it on Youtube. That is something I would have done. Thanks for the chuckle to start the day.

SmartBear said...

HAHAHAHAH! Seriously girl...I needed that first morning laugh. That's priceless!
First round is on me, btw... :)
Best,
Tina

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh NO, that must have been dreadful....but it's funny to read...he he.
xox

the walking man said...

I think the germane question is why you didn't pick this little tidbit up in your research or why Mr. Teacher Man didn't at the least hold back that piece of equipment?

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

I just scared my dog as I suddenly started laughing out loud!

You're good for my health, JM. ♥

TKW said...

Snickering here! Ah, the innocence of youth!

Tiffany said...

That's kind of twisted that he gave it to you...don't you think? Gross!!!

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahaha ewwwww

TheRixonFive said...

Oh that is SO something I would have done. Thanks for making my day!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

LMAO. Wow that teacher really should have hidden that.

Dorkys Ramos said...

Aaack how awful! You poor thing, I would've been just as innocent and mortified!

Vodka Logic said...

I have tears as I read it aloud to my daughter [she is 21 yikes],, did Mr G ever say anything to you. I am guessing he forgot it was there.

too funny thanks

Simply Suthern said...

LOL, Quite the show and tell you gave. Sounds like you should have looked a bit deeper into the required equipment.

You look him up on the predator list yet? LOL

Jennifer said...

Oh you poor thing. I can't even imagine how horrified you felt. I can't believe he left that in his gear for you to get. What a schmuck! But for a second, I just have to laugh about the "ball holder" part of your presentation, that is just too freakin funny.

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo.. that is stuff adult nightmares are made of.. but hilarious blogs too..

Dumblond said...

AHAHAHAHA! Holy crap!I bet that teacher was mortified! I guess he took it for granted that you would know what a "cup" looks like?

That One Mom said...

Bwahahahaha! Shut the front door! That is hilarious/traumatizing! Wow!

Johana Hill said...

LMAO! That was indeed an 'informative' speech!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Too funny! That will be hard one to live down for sure.
Rosemary

Will Burke said...

I'll bet Mr G got a boat-load of grief from his collegues as well! "What's a 13 year old girl doing with your cup?"

Myya said...

Gross! Ummm you would have thought he would maybe take that our of the equipment he loaned you. HA!

CountessLaurie said...

I confess, it took me a while to catch on. But um, Mr. G... ewww! Seriously hoping he just forgot it was in there, because otherwise... blech!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I just blew my mocha, mocha extra hot, decaf, two splenda latte all over my laptop. Can I hold you reponsible for damages?
I needed a Tuesday laugh.
Mary

Cara Smith said...

How absolutely mortifying.

I cannot believe he did not have the foresight to remove that from his bag or at least stop you in your presentation.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well at least you didn't think it was some kind of MASK and demonstrate that. Dude... :)

Kris said...

"old school sling shot"

HAHAHAHA

DeNae said...

Well, hello?? What was up with Mr. G not checking his "equipment" before placing it in the trusting hands of a middle-school aged girl? (Yes I know how that sounded. I'm leaving it said.) And I think your calling it the "ball holder" is pretty much the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!

(Incidentally, I lived on Mercer Island, WA for seven years, 1990-97. What part of the PNW were you from?)

Martha H. said...

That is hysterical! Oh the mortification and humiliation. Yikes!

Jen said...

Bahahahaha! Now I think the big question is why your teacher left his "equipment" for you to present to the class? That's twisted, JennyMac!

I'm Jane said...

Could have been worse...you could have mistaken it for a face protector.

Aging Mommy said...

Absolutely hilarious. Enough said.

Eva Gallant said...

How mortifying and hysterical all at once! That totally would have been me at that age! I wouldn't have had a clue, either!

MommaAmma said...

I think you were set up by Mr. G and Smirky McJerky!

Thanks for the laugh. I'm sure a highly sucessful gal like yourself has long gotten over the embarassment.

M-Cat said...

I am laughing like a 12 year old boy.

Erin said...

I have never seen one up close myself. LOL. I am naive. Wish you'd have included a photo to educate naive peeps like myself. Oh well, off to Google.

Babes Mami said...

hahhahaha! Loved it! Luckily (I suppose) my dad and brothers played sports so I have known about such things for awhile. I loved Smerky McJerky! The name, not that he traumatized you!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

I laughed so hard I almost lacrossed my pants!
<><

anaïs said...

hilarious! i don't know much about lacrosse myself, though i have been to one lacrosse game. thanks for the heads up. i will be sure to be cautious when encountering any lacrosse equipment...LOL

foxy said...

Oh girl. THAT IS HILARIOUS. I can imagine your embarrassment. :)

BigSis said...

HILARIOUS! As the single mom of a boy, I made his grandpa go with him to get his first cup. Then, it pinched him in the middle of a game while my parents were out of town. Imagine a grown woman staring at the jock straps trying to decide if her son's junk is a S/M or L/XL. EEK!

Mommy Lisa said...

Ummm. He should have been more careful with his ball holder.

Seriously.

shortmama said...

Hysterically embarrassing!

J.J. said...

Reminds me of the time a girl drew a map of the U.S. on the chalkboard and I burst out laughing at her depiction of Florida.

The (male) teacher said, "JJ, get your mind out of the gutter" then he burst out laughing too.

Janelle said...

Oh boy! I couldn't stop laughing...took me a minute to get it as you were explaining the apparatus! Did he tell you it was a ball holder?!!

Mighty M said...

Oh, I would just be mortified! But I bet you never made that mistake - ever again! :)

hotpants™ said...

Why would your teacher even give you that? He totally wanted you to cup it and say ball holder. LMAO!

janis said...

OMGosh!

Lee said...

Looks like the day I came back to read was a good one!! I am cracking up over that. Innocence is such a nice thing!!

Caty said...

How funny! I honestly thought you were actually holding a "ball" holder and the boys were giggling at the word "ball". LOL.

Matty said...

LMAO!

I love this story. Scrubbing your hands with steel wool. Priceless.

HalfAsstic.com said...

I can't believe he didn't fall down dead of embarrassment as well! He should have! Men are nuts.
Oops... I just said "nuts". BWAHAHAHAHA!

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, Jenny! Poor you! I'm so sorry, but your mortification is just the absolute best fun I've heard all day.

And I'm with your other commenter, why would your teacher give you that? Kind of pervy, me thinks.
And by the way, Lacrosse is becoming the new soccer down here in Florida.

I'm still dying.

Herding Cats said...

That is SO your teacher's fault! I hope he was embarrassed!

Michael Rivers said...

LOL. This is great!! I'd love to see one of your entertaining speeches.

Baloney said...

Classic! I was just about to say the same thing as the others. Why in the world would your teacher hand over his ball holder. He was pervy.

Bossy Betty said...

Do not drink out of it either!

The Lady of the House said...

Oh no. I fell over laughing so hard.

Lauren said...

I hate teenage boys. You should have whacked them with the lacrosse stick.

Jules said...

I think it would make a GREAT slingshot! I may buy one and use it on the annoying barking dog out back....

Kelly and Sara said...

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HOpe you have a great week! Loving the ipad! I really want an iphone!

The Random Blogette said...

That is hilarious! I can't believe that your teacher didn't even pay attention to you holding his "ball holder"!

Together We Save said...

Oh my!! That is so funny!! Thanks for the laugh.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

LMAO!

You missed your calling. You would be a big hit as a stand up comedian.

Love your posts - I always look forward to reading them and you never fail to put a huge smile on my face if not make me laugh out loud.

Tracie said...

Bwahahahaha!!

Did you read my post about wearing my brother's jock strap on my head? It was freshly washed though.

The Empress said...

Oh,yeah...I've done the same thing...I grew up in a home with no males, so you can see how easily happened.

Brilliantly told on your part.

Aunt Juicebox said...

This is probably why I would stay home sick anytime we had to do a speech. Which luckily wasn't often.

Maria said...

I think you handled it quite gracefully...and as a teacher, that was more than a little messed up that he did not check his bag for his ball holder...Yuck!

secret agent woman said...

Oh, the horror! I hope you don't mind that I'm laughing hysterically at your expense. Because i can't help myself. Usually I'm a much nicer person.

Elle said...

I was sitting here trying to picture the triangular case, and then I got down further. OMG. How mortifying! I hope that teacher was appropriately embarrassed and apologetic.

I also have to admit that I laughed out loud. I totally wasn't expecting your story to take the turn that it did!

wendy said...

Oh my gosh, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that.
Hysterical!!!

I have raised 4 sons, I think, I hope, I am aware of the equipment
ha ha ha -----EQUIPMENT,
get it

carissa said...

Oh my gosh! I'm laughing so hard right now.. such an amazing story. And I hope you're still washing your hands!

Slamdunk said...

Why did AC/DC's song "Big Balls" immediately start playing in my mind as I read this?

Thanks for the laugh.

Vivienne said...

Can. Not. Breathe.

laughing too hard....

Intense Guy said...

*giggles in a juvenile way*
=)

Cranky Mommy said...

So funny! But to connect it with one of your concerns in the post about the motorcycle accident - can you imagine the shit storm of law suits that would rain down should something like that happen today?