Friday, March 23, 2012

Why it is not a good idea to get wasted at the wedding....

A girlfriend recently went to a wedding. A lovely, traditional, expensive wedding. At the wedding, the brides grandparents stumbled across the groomsmen getting high on a secluded balcony. First, I love that the grandparents were perhaps seeking out a secluded balcony but better yet, hey groomsmen, you are idiots. NOT a good idea to light it up at your friends wedding when instead of wearing camouflage and blending in you are wearing TUXEDOS so everyone knows you have a special role. And have you smelled pot? It doesn't smell like wedding cake or floral arrangements. Why not burn popcorn in the microwave while you are at it which is another smell everyone can identify immediately. 

But it also reminded me of one of my favorite wedding stories:

While in grad school, a friend of mine, S., invited me to a wedding. I love weddings but primarily the weddings of people I know so I proffered up many excuses why I could not go. He promised it would be fun. And he didn’t want to go alone. Need I be the one to remind him that when you are in the wedding party you barely get to talk to anyone because you are busy. But he was a good friend so I agreed to go. Then he told me who the groom was. A friend of his from childhood I had met once during a basketball game. This man was crazy. And not Dukes of Hazzard crazy either. More like Deliverance crazy. Too late to say no, I asked myself how bad could it be.

Here is a tip: Never, ever ask yourself this question if unprepared for the answer.

At the wedding, the wedding party looked wonderful. I was a bit surprised that the entire ceremony lasted 8 minutes. And that included flower girls walking down the aisle. 

At the reception, I am invited to sit at one of the head tables since my friend is in the wedding party. No thank you. I mean, of course. At the large round ten top, I am directly across from the groom. He seems dipped in gin. He tells a highly off color joke. I had also seen him slap his wife right on the arse earlier. I begin referring to him as not as The Groom and instead as The Doom. 

S. goes to the bar and out of the blue, The Doom he asks me why I won’t date S. I don't believe he is really directing that question towards me but sure enough. I reply that we are just friends. He, with a pretty heavy scowl, continues to probe. He says S. is like a brother to him.  Do I think I am too good for S.? He only wants S. to be happy. I think to myself, do you? Start with shutting the ____ up. That will make S. happy, or since S. is not here, it will make me very, very happy. I seek out S. but, curses, S. is still at the bar. Now The Doom has the attention of all at the table. His scary bride nods in agreement.

The Doom is like a backwoods version of Johnny Cochran peppering me with questions.         S. and I had been friends for years. We did not date or want to date. But I don’t share my responses with The Doom or the entire table. Instead, I save my responses in my inner monologue. S. finally returns and listens to The Doom for one minute before redirecting the conversation. 

For about 20 reasons, I want to leave and The Doom is just one of them. We have a few cocktails and soon it is time for toasts. The best man rises to give his toast of run for your life lady to the bride of good luck and future blessings to the happy couple. Since I am also sitting in front, I can see all of the family members including elderly grandparents and aunts and uncles. As the best man takes the microphone, The Doom hops up and grabs it out of his hand. And by 'grabs" I mean kind of wrestles it away while teetering and kind of bumping into him. I am pretty sure I saw a dry hump in there too. I believe The Doom should not be near the candles as his amount of consumption has made him both toxic and flammable.

Into the microphone he says this in a slurry, spitty, bellowy fashion: It's my weddin’ day and I am going to get DRUNK and I am going to get LAID. 

He is on a MICROPHONE in front a very captive audience.  

What did I wish for? A video to capture this priceless moment and the bride’s face? No. I wished for paramedics to keep the bride’s grandmother from having a heart attack on the spot.

Once again a reminder, the grandparents do not like shenanigans!

S. turned to me and said, “You can leave anytime you want.”
Except I couldn’t hear him over the firing up of my ignition and gravel spinning under my tires. 

I have yet to attend such a "colorful" wedding as this. I am so lucky.  Why is it not a good idea to get wasted at the wedding? Because someone there is NOT wasted and will remember your every foolish endeavor. And since most people have technological wizardry at their fingertips, your foolish endeavors can be permanently memorialized. Had there been video capability on phones back at the wedding of The Doom, I am sure it would be on YouTube under "Dbag gives worst wedding toast. EVER."

Oh behave!


vanilla said...

It takes all kinds. Well, perhaps. But we have to wonder why.

brokenteepee said...

For some reason weddings do bring out the worst in some people although it is usually NOT the groom.

Chain Stitch Crochet said...

It all boils down to respect and couth, neither of which Doom possessed. Those poor grandparents.

Kristina P. said...

Wow, I really wish I could experience weddings like this. The ones I always have gone to are classy and boring. Boo.

Mom in High Heels said...

Yikes! So you know the current status of that marriage?
I've been to quite a few interesting weddings in my time. The "best" was Mardi Gras themed. Yes, THEME. Each bridesmaid tried to outdo the others by wearing the gaudiest Mardi Gras gown. Yes, each one wore a full length, overly beaded gown as their bridesmaid dress. The bride wore a white, beaded Mardi Gras gown. If you're not familiar, some many of the ball gowns are the most hideous crimes of fashion you could ever imagine. The bouquets (including the bride's) were feathered Mardi Gras masks. At the reception, the toasting glasses were PLASTIC "yard of alcohol" cups with lids. Champagne and a straw. Is there a faster (and classier) way to get drunk? Nope. I love them both dearly, but the wedding was

Unknown said...

Definitely not a cool move on the groom's part. I hope the bride is still alive today.

The Constant Complainer said...

That is a great story. And like someone said above, weddings these days seem to bring out the crazy in some people.

I once saw a guy get literally knocked out rushing in to a scramble for the garter toss. Yikes!

Anymore, I can't stand being around silly drunk people. That's just not how I roll.

K A B L O O E Y said...

I was once at a wedding during which the best man made a toast about the many, many conquests the groom had under his belt before being "roped" into marriage by the bride. He went into painful detail. It was excruciating, but I couldn't leave, because I was the videographer shooting the wedding of my boss. I bet that tape has never been watched.

the walking man said...

Nope, if there is no connection there is no reason to be at someones wedding other than free food and free booze, the first of which is usually bland and the second ...well lets just say grandparents don't like shenanigans.

Nico said...

"Instead, I save my responses in my inner monologue." (LOVE this.)

Liz Aguerre said...

Frickin hilarious!

Slamdunk said...

Priceless... I am sure they became regular guests on daytime television soon thereafter... Congrats to your team as well! I am cheering for them.